To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

[Norma27]

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

How old are the cousins?

If you're talking about a blanket rule, yabu. I can't be doing with this notion that if one child does something, the other(s) have to automatically be included. It's silly and unfair.
It's about overall balance. If granny takes some kids to things all the time but never others, that is unfair, they should all get equal opportunity.

But what you are saying is basically granny can't take anyone out unless she takes them all, and that will end up with noone going anywhere. Why not just explain to your child that not everyone gets to do everything, and that's fine and normal?

How do you know she won't invite the younger one too when she's old enough? To me it's obviously an age thing.

What are they doing - would it be suitable? Does your MIL feel she can look after a 4 year old?

I would say it’s not U if she evens it out. So for example my DG took me for a week’s holiday by myself when I was about 10 - but she did the same for my DB a year later. However if she’s just favouring one over the other then that’s not nice and YANBU.

I can see why it could be hurtful for a 4 year old. On the other hand, I can see why she might want to take the easier child or one closer in age to SIL children. Can you not use this as an opportunity to spend one on one time with 4 year old? Sell it as a special treat.

I think that sounds very unfair. I've had similar issues in the past and it it very hurtful to the left out child. In my case, I told grandparents that they either take both equally or take none.

How old is the oldest? And the cousins?

I think it’s nice to get 1-1 time sometimes.

Ds (8) and my youngest nephew (4) both have additional needs, my nephews brothers (6 and 9) often end up inadvertently with the ‘thin edge of the wedge’ so my parents are purposely taking just the two of them out over summer just to give them some time where the focus is in them 100%

Some places are also more suitable for older children!

Mine are 4 and 12.
The cousins are 8 and 13.
I know it is harder with the younger one, and I wouldn’t mind so much if it was even acknowledged. Or if the little one got treated another time maybe.

That’s a pretty big age gap and I can see why the 4 year old wouldn’t be invited.

It depends what they are doing and whether it evens out over time. It also depends on what you mean by the 4 year old being harder. If granny is trying to a treat appropriate for 7-12 year olds then dealing with a difficult 4 year old repeatedly risks ruining the treat for everyone, in which case it is understandable.

If you are pushing for a blanket 'what one child gets/does the other must have, take both or none' then YABU.

I actually get far more one on one time with the 4 yr old. If anything I need to have more with the older one.
The 4 yr old never gets invited either one on one or with the others.

If this was a one off.. Dear op.. We would really like to take the older gc sky diving.. 4 year old can't do this, would you mind if she didn't come and we will take her to soft play in a few weeks.. Fine.

Consistently doing stuff 4 year old can't do, consistently leaving her out. Not fair!!

The 4 year old is harder purely because she is 4 so more chatty and tiring probably. Which is exactly why I don’t ever ask for childcare.
We have days out constantly together with friends. She is very easy in theme parks/ historical places/ parks etc and has great fun when we holiday with all of older daughters friends.
I don’t expect have both and do as I say or nothing at all. However, I would like some more inclusion.

4 yr old is never invited to do anything. Only if we go out for a family meal.

This is really tricky OP. I can see that from MIL's point of view it is much easier just to have the older three, and to add the 4yo to the mix would make it much harder for her.

Can you use it to have a nice time with your 4yo doing something that your 12yo would find boring? And maybe mention that your 4yo is disappointed not to come this time, maybe next time it would be nice to do something with the 4yo and 8yo?

MIL may genuinely not have thought this is a problem, so it's definitely worth saying something just so she is aware of the issue.

Have you spoken to them about it or asked if your younger one can go as well ?

Given the age gap I do think YABU

With the age gap you have, I think it is perfectly reasonable to take out the 12 year old and not the 4 year old. The 4 year old will need LOTS more supervision and attention than the others, and generally an activity that is suitable for an 8, 12 and 13 year old is quite unlikely to be suitable for a 4 year old. I think its quite reasonable for a grandparent to not feel comfortable looking after a 4 year old without their parent their, but being quite happy to supervise a 12 year old.

Perhaps you could consider arranging an (age appropriate) activity for you, your 4 year old and MIL to even it up - something that the 12 year old will be too old for - like a farm trip or petting zoo etc. That's a good way to even it up.

But your MIL obviously just doesn't feel comfortable being responsible for a 4 year old, and that's her call.

Where the others taken out when they were 4?

Yeah, with those age gaps YABU.

But granny should take the 4 yr old for 1-on-1 time occasionally to spare her feelings. It’s fine to honestly tell the 4 yr old that when she’s bigger she’ll get to do things like that but that for now it’s just the big girls. Then maybe do your own thing with the little one.

Everything doesn’t have to be equal to be fair and this is an important lesson for kids to learn.

She is just too young

She has always looked after the cousins from a young age.
She used to have my oldest one morning a week but I used to finish work way before midday and collect her so she didn’t really need to take her out.

How old is granny?

Four year olds are quite a handful and remember, she's four years older than she was when the 8 year old was four, and eight/nine years older for the older two respectively.

Maybe she feels she can handle older children, but not a four year old on top? Four children including a 4yo is probably quite a bit for her to manage on her own.

I agree with *Martha"; the age gap is a material consideration here. It's often hard on older ones as the locus of the family tends to shift a bit and so any family outings are always suitable for the youngest child. If your kids are 12 and 10, that's far more manageable than if they're 12 and 4. Your MIL maybe thinks it's nice for the older one to do some different activities with the older kids where they aren't having to cater for a small child. I agree it would be nice if sometimes the 4 year old had "her" treat, though.

Please do not be that parent what 8 to 13 year olds find fun is most of the time not suitable for a 4 year old unless you expect the activity be based upon the 4 year old?