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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 19:46

And to the person who said I chose to have a big age gap. Wouldn’t have been so big if I didn’t have a late missed miscarriage in between. Where I almost died too. Sorry about that.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 20:07

mrsm43

they have no idea that you or your younger DD might be upset by this at all.

Your MIL and SIL have no idea that they are upsetting you.

You really don't know this mrsm. I'm always amazed by posters who think they know an OP's relatives than they do.

What you shouldn't do, is refuse to communicate and sit there secretly fuming, and then start plotting how you can "make the shit hit the fan" and withdraw from family meet ups.

That's not what OP said, mrsm. I said to OP it would be interesting to see what would happen if she excluded one of SIL's DC and OP said the shit would really hit the fan. You are misrepresenting what OP said and that's really unfair and misleading.

Butteredparsn1ps · 31/07/2018 20:09

OP you obviously feel quite upset about this. It's clear that you see it as unfair to your youngest.

Can you take any reassurance that MIL & SIL aren't necessarily doing it to spite you or your DD and that they probably believe they are helping?

Of course, you don't have to agree to any outings, but I'm not clear from your posts what your eldest would actually want.

ThanksWineyou probably deserve these!

ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 20:22

mrsm43

To deliberately exclude a child in order to upset someone and make "the shit hit the fan" is spiteful.

But SIL invites all her sibling's DC, regardless of age, yet excludes OP's youngest. Isn't this spiteful?

To not include a 4 year old in age inappropriate activities, because that's just how it is due to her age, and to organise activities that suit the age of your child (or the children you've agreed to mind) - not spiteful.

OP is expected to invite all of SIL's dc, even though they are not similar in age to OP's 4yo.

Isn't it spiteful for SIL not to extend OP the same courtesy of inviting both of OP's DC?

Ihuntmonsters · 31/07/2018 21:08

My parents regularly invited my same age cousin over and not her four younger siblings, her parents regularly had me over and not my three older siblings. No ill will caused or taken. Seems common sense to me that children who are of a similar age have more in common and are more likely to become friends. My big sister babysat for my younger cousins but I doubt she would have wanted them on a playdate!

Weepingangels · 31/07/2018 21:10

I am sorry for your loss Norma27.

Its very sad if your dhs family never want to see your dd2 as they do dd1.

CheshireChat · 31/07/2018 22:23

So the youngest is always second best right until the favourites don't want to hang out with granma anymore and then she's expected to come running?

Why should she?

BackforGood · 31/07/2018 23:19

I bet when her older sibling was 4 he/she didn’t have to wait for their time Possibly, possibly not funinthesun - we don't know that. However, the Grandparent is now 8 years older, and also now trying to pay attention to more than just the one dgc.
When my Mum had her first dgc, she was able to look after her for a few weeks when My sister worked out her notice after maternity leave. She was always very fair with each of us, but when my ds came along just 3 years later, she was just not able to cope with looking after him. She had aged, and run out of energy and ds was a ot less compliant than his cousin. Nothing to do with excluding him, and everything to do with her health and energy levels.

Excellent post by Mrsm43s at 17:57:55 on Tues. and again at 18:10:13 - just what I was going to say.

Cornflakegirl - absolutely, and the OP is already doing that. It is also nice to have a bit of 'special time' when it is your time to do something without your siblings. I have a friend with triplets, and one of the things she valued most about all the help she had to accept over the years, was when her MiL used to take one of them out and just do those 'ordinary', 'every day' things many pre-schoolers do that she'd found too difficult to do with 3..... go on a bus.... make a cake..... bit of child friendly gardening...... even just read a story or play a game 1:1 with an adult. Doing things with siblings cousins, and doing them without don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Enko · 31/07/2018 23:34

OP I have read most of the thread but I am not sure if I have understood if you have asked your MIL if she would have the younger one some time outright? It may simply not have occurred to her that the younger one would want/need this.

Original poster
Norma27 · 01/08/2018 16:41

I’ve realised I’ve not answered a question asked a few times.
No I’ve not brought the issue up with mil. I’m not allowed to say anything which may upset her. This is why she still doesn’t know her eldest grandchild is pregnant. My husband and stepdaughter are afraid to tell her. She is not that far off from being due. Much further along than the one I lost.

I’ve also realised maybe mil and sil don’t particularly like my youngest or find her hard to deal with as pointed out by various posters. That has made me feel easier with the fact I don’t like looking after my nephews. They are extremely difficult to care for so I feel far happier saying no to any childcare requests.

In the meantime, myself and 2 children will enjoy our various outings together which unbelievably they enjoy together.

OP posts:
Commonpeoplelikeme · 01/08/2018 18:06

I think it depends on what they do. And how old and mobile your MIL is. She should definitely choose to do something they can all enjoy at least some of the time. Yes there is a huge age gap but personally I’d like to think my 12 year old would want to help look after her 4 year old cousin every now and then.

Babybearsporij · 01/08/2018 18:39

My PILs seem to favour my oldest as well. MIL uses the excuse of being unsure what to do with DC2 - who is now 3 and perfectly capable of talking and expressing their needs!! DC2 is only just now going for their first sleepover there while DC1 has been loads and from the age of a few months. DC1 also gets invited places a lot more. I feel bad and DH has brought it up, but he gets shouted down by FIL.

BlueberryPud · 01/08/2018 18:44

4yr old needs to spend time with her sibling that's the relationship you need to protect

But the 4 year old 'lives' with her sibling. They spend most of the time under the same roof!

Maliali · 01/08/2018 19:15

It’s not unreasonable not to take both DC out together but in that position I would take the 12 year old out for something they enjoy and then the 4 year old out for something they’d enjoy on another day. But I’d always want it to be fair so they get a day each. There was 9 years and 6 years respectively between me and my brothers and it was hard to find suitable activities, films etc for such age ranges. I can’t think why the 4 year old should not get their days out with her DGPs.

Tunnocks34 · 01/08/2018 19:17

To be honest this happens with mine and at the moment I’m not to fussed. My youngest is a clingy, beautiful but difficult two year olds my 5 year old behaves impeccablely and my dad loves taking him out

user1484424013 · 01/08/2018 19:24

Simply put your mil and sil are fucking bitches. You answered it yourself not being allowed to say anything. Sorry but you have survived a miscarriage which is horrendous so find your balls and tell her to fuck off. And as for your 12 year old she is old enough to know the truth. Granny's a cow and treats your baby sister like shit. Just had to tell my 10 and 6 year old there daddy has advanced stage cancer so you can do this. My mum is amazing if she can't have them all she spreads the live and the time and is an a mall round amazing person I am very lucky. Maybe it's being part of an irish family not sure. But your grown a malls so husband iso afraid to tell his mother she is becoming a gg. Wtf your step daughter is not sick so she is having a baby early.... and.... tell your mil and sil to stop being arseholes and enjoy getting to see your girls with there soon to be niece or nephew and watch your 4 year old thrive. And as for some of these mumsnet "its the age gap" you can and all fuck off also

Original poster
Norma27 · 01/08/2018 19:39

User I don’t know how to tag sorry, but I am so sorry to hear about your husband/partner. Sometimes people don’t know how lucky they are to have their kids/ grandkids etc around.
My stepdaughter isn’t even young. She is mid twenties. It is a weird thing this not being allowed to upset mil and to be honest I tend to want an easy life and ignore things. I get so annoyed when it involves any of the kids.
Luckily my dsd has lots of support from us and her mum and stepdad.
Big hugs to all of you xxx

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/08/2018 19:47

And that's great, but not everyone feels capable of doing so! You might be healthy and fit enough in your late sixties to run around after a 4 year old, but surely you can understand that other people might struggle?

It doesn't have to involve running around.

The cinema. Having her for tea. Taking her out for breakfast.

That's not strenuous. Doesn't have to be the park or softplay

Just show an interest.

TacoLover · 01/08/2018 19:53

But your four year old apparently has way more time with you than your other daughter so why shouldn't your twelve year old have way more time with her grandmother?

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 20:02

I remember my DF saying he'd have the other 11 DGC to sleepover instead of the 4 year old.

When I sometimes took my nieces out...my Dsis distracted the youngest or would tell her we'd gone somewhere boring.

Taking a 4 yo is like babysitting...especially for a granny.

That said, I did take DN to watch Peppa Pig on tour...just the two of us. Do gran could find something suitable for your younger one with a bit of imagination.

Original poster
Norma27 · 01/08/2018 20:08

The extra one on one time the 4 yr old had with me is at an end now as they are both at home with me now for hols and youngest starts reception in September.

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 01/08/2018 20:17

I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone's 4 year old! A 12 year old would be fine as they're sensible and don't talk incessantly! They can go to the loo alone, don't have tantrums and you can have good conversations with them.

Taking a 4 year old would completely change the dynamic. They demand all the attention at that age, can't sit still and restrict the older ones doing age appropriate things.

GreenTulips · 01/08/2018 20:18

I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone's 4 year old!

This is a grandchild not a random stranger

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 20:28

Bloody hell. Some people are being deliberate antagonistic to OP. It's very very obvious they're being unreasonable. SiL expects OP to take all her kids so none are left out but is happy to leave out one of OP's children. OP's youngest will always be younger than her cousins and older sibling so it would clearly be ridiculous that she never got outings with her family while her eldest sibling does. From OP's description the grandma can cope with DD just is more interested in the elder kids. She doesn't take DD to age appropriate things at a different time she just doesn't bother with her at all in favour of her older siblings.

You can't play favourites with children in the family. I have a niece (9) and nephew (8). The nephew I find much easier to entertain as he likes the kind of outings I enjoy. I still make sure I treat them fairly. If I take nephew out I'll take niece out another time.

Aridane · 01/08/2018 20:31

Easy, user