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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 02/08/2018 13:51

And there is exactly the same age gap between dgc 13/12 and 8, as there is between 8 and 4. I’d be interested to know if dc 8 was excluded when younger also. Seems very unfair and quite nasty to me.

But the MIL was minding the 13 and 8 yr old, so their presence there was not optional. They then invited the 12 year old along too, presumably either to keep the 13 year old company, or because they were doing something that they thought the 12 year old would also enjoy.

I have already suggested to OP that she could offer to do something with the 8 year old and the 4 year old only, but she seems unwilling to acknowledge this, do this, or even say anything to anyone (apart from complaining online)! Seriously, it would have been easy enough to say "I was thinking about taking 4yo swimming that day, how about I pick up 8yo when I drop off 12yo, and then the older two can have some time together whilst I take the little ones swimming?" It's the obvious thing to do if you want the 4yo included. I can totally see why MIL thinks it would be too much to have 4 children to mind on her own, including a 4 year old who will be far harder work due to her age, even if she's the best behaved 4yo in the world.

Obviously, if its a minding situation (i.e necessary as parents need childcare) then all ages of children from that parent will come, as the reason is child care. OP has stated she does not need childcare, so therefore that situation doesn't arise for her children although she has clearly stated that her MIL would be happy to have both her children if she needed. If its a day out situation, it is likely that similar aged cousins will enjoy similar activities which won't necessarily be suitable for younger children, and therefore the 4 year old is not likely to be asked to join in the same activities as the 12 year old.

When new GGC is here, and she is 4, and your youngest is 8 and your eldest 16, do you honestly think that every time you take the 4 year old and 8 year old out, you will also be including the 16 year old? Or will the penny suddenly drop then that the relationship the 4 and 8 year old have is likely to be different to that between the 4 year old and the 16 year old? Not because you're snubbing or excluding the 16 year old, but simply because the age gap means that their needs and interests will be different.

Hunstanton · 02/08/2018 13:59

I can totally see where you are coming from OP.
MIL appears to favour your older child, and doesn't make time separately to see/take out 4yo, hence it feels inbalanced.
You're right, it seems unfair.
It's not about the 4yo going out with the older ones, its about the little one not getting any quality time with MIL.
YANBU

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 14:02

At 16 my eldest might not want to be included. She will be more independent then than she is now. However, they have such a tight bond with their older sister (although I will reference her as step daughter as I respect relationship to her mum, I call her a sister in regards to my children) it is possible she will want to be included. Same as my stepchildren still like to be included with their younger siblings and cousins.

The difference here is that my 4yr old idolises her cousins (and apparently they do her too and no doubt the 8 yr old was crying that they both weren’t there yesterday). She wants to be included. There was a time when she would see them briefly every day on the school run. She feels that she wants a relationship with them.

I come from a long line of multiple siblings and big age gaps mrsm. I also know how my in laws are and would be telling everyone how they dote on all the children equally and would never show any favouritism.

You seem to be very goady mrsm. In my family I wouldn’t expect people to want to see my daughters. That is fine. They are treated equally in that respect. My in laws portray a very different family dynamic when it suits them.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 02/08/2018 14:05

I have a 4 year old gc and an 8 year old gc. I take the 8 year old gc out with my 13 year old son but I would never want the 4 year old to come with us, far too difficult. Plus that way it gives the 8 year old gc a break from the 4 year old continually hassling her!!

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 14:06

And no I do not want to take the 8 yr old out with mine.
I have done enough favours for now.
I am extremely lucky that both my children have lots of friends. I would much rather treat them to days out now.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 02/08/2018 14:07

Plus (I speak s a grandparent) 4 year olds are bloody difficult!!!!

Winterbella · 02/08/2018 14:08

mrsm I have a 16, 7 and 2yr old dds, they do stuff together all the time they like it I like it, its not unheard of.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 14:21

I’m actually not quite sure how we coped when my eldest was 2 and her siblings were 14 and 17. We even had breaks away which obviously must have been tortuous for the eldest two!

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 14:31

And mrsm you again highlighted mother in law would have my children if needed. That means if I had an urgent appointment etc. Not because I want to go and get my hair cut or nails done.

OP posts:
JuJu2017 · 02/08/2018 14:45

Definitely not, whatever the circumstances. My MIL constantly takes one of her granddaughters (she has three granddaughters and two grandsons) to her mum and dads (the kids’ great grandparents), but won’t take any of the others. It wasn’t so bad when they were all little, but my eldest boy is the same age as the granddaughter she takes and has started to wonder why his cousin is always with his Nan getting sweets and McDonald’s. We’ve had to start going to my dh’s grandparents house on days when we are sure my mil and niece aren’t going to be there because it winds me up and causes fights over chocolate and chicken nuggets.

mrsm43s · 02/08/2018 14:51

And no I do not want to take the 8 yr old out with mine.

So don't complain that they don't have a relationship.

Geez - you complain they won't take your 4 year old out, but won't offer to take their 8 year old out, and then complain that your 4 year old is excluded, but wants a relationship/dotes on the 8 year old??

The power to fix this is entirely in your hands. If you refuse to, then that is your choice, but the consequences are your responsibility.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 14:55

Both grandads never take any of mine (don’t know if they do with any others). That is fine as that is the same for both. They see them when they visit here or we go there.

My mum is very immobile. She offers the world and I have to say no. I will actually only let her have youngest if oldest is there too, unless I am running a quick errand. She can cope with youngest at home but if she had a fall then youngest wouldn’t know 999 if needed. My mum doesn’t take either out alone but i take her on days out where she will sit for a while with youngest or oldest while I do something with the other. The 4 yr old has learnt from birth that she does as told, especially when staying put for nanny. Again that is equal.
My siblings have never looked after either of mine. I have looked after theirs but years ago and we we have no relationship. Again that is equal and fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 14:56

Mrsm have you read previous posts?
I have taken 8 yr old loads.
Sil taken 4 yr old never!
I am doing no more!

OP posts:
Sasstal67 · 02/08/2018 15:02

I can empathise as we've faced the same issue with both my family and my husband's. His parents doted over a few of their other grandchildren yet my MIL couldn't be bothered to visit ours more than once. She even told her neighbour's kids to call her nanny and blatantly bragged about them whilst not bothering with ours. What hurt more though was my own mother's behaviour, especially following my father's death. She did everything for my sister's family, even cooking them meals when she was demanding my daughter drive over after work to do chores as she wasn't up to it. Throughout their childhood she constantly compared my children to their cousins and found them wanting, regularly telling them so to their faces. She would never include our 3 son's when inviting my daughter over. She even went so far as to invite my daughter to her relocated birthday tea (was going to be at our house as it was a big birthday for me too, but I was very unwell and not up to a house full, hence the relocation) and all her cousins, but told my daughter to inform us that her brothers weren't allowed as she didn't have room for everyone. The sun shone out of the arses of the kids of one sister in particular. They spent years telling the son he could do no wrong, he could swear, get in serious trouble, anything yet it was never his fault. Yet none of my sons could do anything right in her eyes. It really did hurt and I was so sick of making excuses for her behaviour. Not to protect her so much as to try and prevent them being devastated when they realised she simply didn't care for them. They weren't bad kids either, a bit giggly or daft as boys can be but nothing really naughty, especially in company. Put it this way, it wasn't my son's who ended up in prison. Save your love for the people who deserve it.

Megabeth · 02/08/2018 15:19

My MIL used to do this, DS and his cousin get on very well so when in laws had the cousins during school holidays it would be easier for in laws if DS was also there. There was one day when DS was ill so couldn't go so they cancelled DD going even though she was fine and the same age as one of the cousins. She was only about 3 or 4 but still remembers this.

During school holidays I always had to fit my plans round when SIL was working. Once they wanted to take DS only to local am dram pantomime with his cousin. We wanted to take our DCs together as DD used to dress up as whatever character was in the pantomime FIL got very shirty with us about that :-(

In laws definitely had DS more than DD, there's 2 and three quarter years between DS and DD so not a huge age gap.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 15:21

I also don’t think my 4 yr is immaculately behaved. As I was typing on here the other day I was thinking I couldn’t remember the last tantrum she had. I then refused a second bar of chocolate and the best tantrum in the world occurred.
However, the teens (including the 8 yr old teen?!) have far bigger tantrums on a regular basis.
The 8 year olds moods and sense of entitlement have to be seen to be believed. I have also not seen a particular babying thing happen to anybody else over 2 without a medical or special need requirement. It would be far too outing to say what it is even tho I think I have been very outing already.

OP posts:
Ihatemycar · 02/08/2018 16:21

4 year olds are hard work. It is a shame it doesn't get invited but soon the 13 year old may want spend more time with friends rather than family.
The little one can be shield for now and maybe when she is older she'll get more invitations.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 16:35

I must admit I find it amazing too how many people say when the older ones don’t want to see nanny or aunt any more then it can be little ones that me.
As some others have said- fuck that. She has feelings now not just in a few years time.
Maybe she will feel that she can’t be bothered to see nanny now.
Maybe nanny will have passed away. Who knows?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/08/2018 16:47

perhaps this is what is wrong with British families and why there is no long term relationships between siblings at all, if you don't have shared experiences you have no connection to each other and for siblings regardless of age this is so important

.....but no-one has said that is happening. Hmm. They live together. Their Mum - the OP - takes them out. I presume they go on holiday together, spend Christmas together, spend most of their time together. The OP has said she takes them to all sorts of places together. You are the only one who seems to think they have 'no shared experiences'. Everyone else seems to have managed to grasp this is the occasional day in a holiday, not their whole life.

SavvySaver24 · 02/08/2018 16:51

That is a big age gap. It is unreasinable to think she should take the 4 year old IMO. Also, do the 13, 12 and 8 year old wanta 4 year old tagging along to whatever they are doing? And i would question how much they could do that was appropriate gor all ages.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 16:52

Do the 13 and 12 year old want an 8 yr old tagging along?

OP posts:
SavvySaver24 · 02/08/2018 16:55

Probably not Norma but it isn't as bad as a 4 year old.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 16:57

And they are quite happy for 1/2:3/4/5/6/7 yr olds to tag along when their mum decides

OP posts:
Winterbella · 02/08/2018 16:59

BackforGood occasional to a 4yr old is the same as all the time or don't you know how 4yr old's work. Hmm Besides it was more the responses of the other posters not the OP's circumstances, they were coming across like none of them ever spent time with a younger sibling or cousin when there was a big age gap ever, and how absolutely ridiculous it is to even think about it happening.

BackforGood · 02/08/2018 17:47

Yes, I know how 4 yr olds work, and when one of my older dc went off somewhere "exciting", I would always make out to the little one(s) 'now dc1 has gone, we can do... X,y,z' like we were just waiting for our special 'alone time' to do whatever 'special thing' I planned - usually nothing big at all, but it is in the way you talk it up.

I think the point is, that variety is what keeps life interesting. Yes, there's loads of lovely things you can do as a family, however your family is made up. Equally there are times when it is lovely to go off and do something with a friend, or a Grandparent, or a cousin, or just you as an individual child, with your parent.

As many others have said, all dc will have different experiences of "family", depending on their 'position' in that family. I love all my dc equally, and treat them all fairly but that doesn't mean the same. I do as my parents did - the best I can for each of them, at the time. Their experiences are different, but no less special.