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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 31/07/2018 18:23

By all means deliberately screw up the relationship with that side of the family, its absolutely in your power to do so. I just don't understand why you want to

Which is OK for MIL to do but not OP

How odd?

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 18:25

I said if I needed. Not if I asked. Two completely different things.

OP posts:
MelanieSmooter · 31/07/2018 18:27

My MIL tried this. She wants DS1 all the time but never DS2 or DD. She no longer gets to have any of them. They play favourites when all their grandchildren are there too (they have 6). DS1 is the eldest of all and the favoured one.

SusanneLinder · 31/07/2018 18:31

Well I took my youngest DGD out to buy her her first school bag ( after clearing it with DD of course). Went for lunch, and made a day of it. Her older brother would have been bored stiff.
So took him for pizza and the cinema another day.

Hellywelly10 · 31/07/2018 18:31

Its ok to do things with the kids seperately as long as they are treated equally. I have an in law who favours one child over another, siblings dont get on at all.

Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 18:34

mrsm yes that is true. But in this situation the younger child is not getting ANY time with her grandma, not just less time.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 31/07/2018 18:35

OP how old is MIL?

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 18:37

Mil is late 60s.

OP posts:
MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 31/07/2018 18:38

I thought she was probably well into her 60s from what you were saying. It's a weird age that one. Some of them are still effectively middle aged and some of them seem elderly.

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 18:39

Late 60s. Well then...

clippityclock · 31/07/2018 18:40

bibliomania thats happened to me, I've asked my friends oldest kid along with my son and she asks me to take her youngest who is 3 years younger but very baby like and whinges non stop plus annoys my son. I know longer ask because I don't want to be put in the situation of saying no. My son really finds her son irritating as he keeps touching him and crawling all over him and then whinges when my son has had enough and tells him to get away from him. I then tell my son off. Although to be honest its like this when we are all together so again I now avoid them as she really tries to push them together instead of telling her son to leave mine alone.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 18:42

This isn’t that I expect her to take my young one out. Even say to me that she has cousins on so and so day do I fancy popping round with my 2. Say that once in a while not just invite older one every time.
The 8 yr old is very young for their age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 18:43

Cousins is very different to friends. If oldest sees friends I don’t ask for young one to go along!

OP posts:
welshmist · 31/07/2018 18:45

I take mine out separately, DIL doesn`t seem to mind, they have such different interests with their age gap. They are both adorable but need different things on a day out.

Thymeout · 31/07/2018 18:47

My oldest gc is 15. The youngest is 4. When the 15 yr old was 4, I happily took her all over London in her buggie. I couldn't have the 4 yr old on his own now, because I'm nearly 10 yrs older, I can't pick him up and he can run faster than me.

Even if your MIL looks healthy and mobile, appearances can be deceptive.

LucyFox · 31/07/2018 18:53

I often spent time with my Grandma on my own or especially with my cousin 18 months older
My grandma also had my younger brother on his own sometimes or with other cousin ...
Only ever asking one child & never the other is hard, but asking one at a time, no problem!

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 18:54

This isn’t that I expect her to take my young one out. Even say to me that she has cousins on so and so day do I fancy popping round with my 2. Say that once in a while not just invite older one every time.

So next time older one is invited, say, "how about I pop round with them both? I know younger DD would love to see you/her cousins".

Why are you so passive? As you can see from this thread, many (most?) people see not inviting the 4 year old as an obvious practical action, due purely to her age and not at all intended as a slight. I imagine that is how MIL and SIL are thinking, and they have no idea that you or your younger DD might be upset by this at all. So if you want something to change - talk to them. Take charge, arrange activities with the cousins with your youngest included or one of the many suggestions on this thread.

What you shouldn't do, is refuse to communicate and sit there secretly fuming, and then start plotting how you can "make the shit hit the fan" and withdraw from family meet ups.

Your MIL and SIL have no idea that they are upsetting you. If you want things to change, then talk to them reasonably.

This is up to you to manage if you want something to change.

Ionlylookatthepictures · 31/07/2018 18:58

Jeez op, you chose to have two kids with a big age gap. Why not just be grateful that your mil wants to take the 12 year old out - and see that as a bonus? You sound very entitled to me.

Ionlylookatthepictures · 31/07/2018 18:59

Also why is it up to your mil to get the cousins together? In our family we organise it with our siblings and don’t expect the gps to Confused

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2018 19:00

Have you ever mentioned it to them, OP?

You keep saying it's not fair - but it just genuinely might never have occurred to them that the 4 year old is now an age where it might change a bit.

ImNotAFlower · 31/07/2018 19:04

My parents did this.
I have absolutely no problem with them doing things with them individually but they weren't doing that, they were taking DD (7) and not so much as 10 minutes in the park outside my house with my 3 year old.
When I pointed out that the little one deserved the opportunity to have the same relationship with them (note I said relationship not time) I had a list of things that were wrong with my youngest thrown at me.
So I told them if they won't spend time with both they don't spend time with either.
Two years down the line it is becoming apparent they regret this. Not my problem I will not let them play favourites with my children.

Ihuntmonsters · 31/07/2018 19:10

I'm the youngest in my family and often felt left out when the bigger ones excluded me, which they did from time to time. On the other hand they weren't invited to my grandparents when me and my close in age cousins were. My children have close in age cousins and older and younger cousins too. They adore the older cousins, find the younger one very annoying and spend the most time with the ones that are similar ages. The two eldest have a very different relationship with each other than any of the younger ones (being adored is great for the ego, but limiting for friendship). This is completely normal.

I think the OP is being very petty, but I get that she doesn't have any experience of having close in age cousins of her own so perhaps she really doesn't get that it can be an important relationship.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 19:13

I probably have 35 cousins between 5 yrs younger and 5 yrs older.
I don’t have a relationship with them tho.

OP posts:
NorbertTheDragon · 31/07/2018 19:18

I understand OP.

There's a big age gap between my kids and their older cousins. PIL did childcare for years for SIL's kids so when we started our family they told us they wouldn't be that. Not hat I assumed, asked, or even needed them to! No sleepovers, they said. Fine.

BIL then has a child. PIL regularly looked after him and had him for sleepovers.

When SIL's kids were small family meals out were a regular thing. Once we had ours they turned into adults only.

When my oldest was 17 they said a family party was only for over 18s. When he turned 18 this mysteriously got changed to over 20. Except for BILs son.

Fair enough, we got the message, they rarely see our kids anymore. (There's more, like deciding they wouldn't bother with birthdays and Christmas anymore for our kids)

So it's all very well saying it's the age gap but there'll always be that age gap and if they can't figure out things all of them can do (and there's 7 years between my oldest and youngest and we could always find something they all enjoyed) then the youngest is always going to be excluded. And will notice. They always notice.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 19:20

My children also have cousins on my side of the family many hours flight away. They would love to spend time with them but obviously can’t. I’m sure when we do meet up we can occupy all 4 despite the age gaps

OP posts:
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