To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

[Norma27]

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

I see why she's not asked to hang out with the older cousins but not why your MIL can't organise a little day out for her especially now and then.

My DD's are 14 and 10 and they have one cousin who is 4. MIL brings my 10 year old to stay at her house and arranges a little playdate for the little one so he can see his 'big" cousin. Naturally a 4 year old adores older cousins.

I would be different if she was a toddler.
She's not much older than a toddler though and needs much more supervision with everything, from road safety, to entertainment.
The gap is too wide for many activities.

I think she should include your 4 year old DD. From your 4 year olds perspective it must be upsetting seeing your older sister being invited to spend time with grandparents but you aren't included. I remember how exciting it was as a child to spend time with my grandma I would have been so upset if it was only my older sibling who got to do that. Surely it wouldn't put your MIL out too much to do something age appropriate for your 4 year old or have them all at the house together so 4 year old can join in with the fun.

Four year olds are full on and maybe she just doesn’t feel she can handle a child who is that young. The others are older and probably easier.

A 12 and 4 year old have little in common though, it's nice for the older one to have something they can do alone. A four year old completely changes the dynamics of a day when the others are much older.

It's just one of those things with age gaps, there will be times when the siblings do things apart otherwise it's unfair to both.

Have I said that I have a problem accompanying them? If mil had called me and said about the outing I would have actually offered to go.

So there's your solution! Ring up MIL, and arrange a day out, perhaps with cousins (and SIL if she wants to come.)

Repeat, at whatever intervals you feel DDs should be seeing MIL/cousins.

Job done. Everyone's happy. No angst needed.

It's just one of those things with age gaps, there will be times when the siblings do things apart otherwise it's unfair to both.

But it's only unfair to 4yo at the moment as she never gets to go with grandma, aunt or cousins.

If MIL can't manage 4yo, then that's a different issue. But I would want to be sure MIL isn't playing favourites here.

And as OP has said, SIL is happy to take all her sibling's DC's out, but only OP'e eldest.

I would be tempted to arrange a day out with just your DC and SIL's youngest and see how SIL/MIL react.

Also, I very rarely ask for childcare help as I don’t need it. If I did ask mil I’m pretty sure she would have one or both of mine if needed so don’t think it is particularly that she doesn’t want/can’t cope with youngest. I agree it is different when with other children too. The fact remains that both mil and sil will constantly ask one without other.
Sil has had under 1yr olds to stay so that is obviously an even bigger age difference.

I have taken mil out with us plenty of times.
Good idea to just ask one of sils out. I can imagine the shit hitting the fan then!

I find it horrible that everyone says 'oh, she'll take her out when her favourites are too old to be interested', that's a great message to send to your kid .

IME if the grandparents make no effort when the child is young, then the kid won't want anything to do with them later on and why should they.

If you really can't see how a 4yo would change the dynamic I suspect your older one is missing out on older activities.

I think the best way to even it up would be rather than tagging along, suggest to Mil you will take the older three for something and could she take the younger one.
Win all round. 4yo gets 1on1 time with granny, you get time to do older activities which are great fun, and your older gets a break from their sibling.

I don’t think you’ve said if you’ve mentioned to MIL that your 4yo would also like to go. It may just be that she thinks because she’s so young that she wouldn’t want to go/ would get upset without a parent. She may be so used to thinking of her as the baby, that she’s not realised that she’s now at a point where she’d like to be included. I’d definitely have a (relaxed) conversation with her about it - just say 4yo would also like to come, is that ok, then if she says she can’t cope with all of them together, could she just take your two together some other time (though older ones are often good for entertaining little ones so in some ways it might be easier with them all)

Sounds normal to me. My 12 year old quite often goes out with grandparents but my 4 year old almost never does because he is hard work. My 4 year old sees his grandparents with me there though so I don't feel he misses out.

Good idea to just ask one of sils out. I can imagine the shit hitting the fan then!

But @Norma27, why do you want the shit to hit the fan? Why do you want to cause trouble? That's so petty, and spiteful.

If I did ask mil I’m pretty sure she would have one or both of mine if needed

So ask MIL to have your youngest, if that's what you want.

Why are you so desperate to make a big issue out of this, and cause tension?

Your MIL sounds, from what you've said, perfectly reasonable. So just talk to her.

I feel like I’m banging my head on a brick wall.

I understand 4 yr olds change the dynamic. Where have I said that I don’t? However, at least once every holiday the older one is invited and youngest isn’t. Not even an hour together to all play in the garden.

I am talking about grandparents wanting to spend time with all of their grandchildren. Not all of them everyime, but not excluding one all of the time. I’m not expecting my youngest to go on outings with my eldest and her friends, or for grandma to have mine on every outing. My 12 yr old actually gets to do more of her stuff than the 4 yr old. She does not get dragged along to toddler activities!

YANBU, It upsets the younger sibling in this situation, and when my IL's tried this it was firmly shut down. The almighty rows and crying this sort of thing leads to between the siblings is just not fair. both or none that's my rules.

No need to get agitated OP. It's not that we don't understand the situation, just that we may have a different opinion.

the 4 year old is a baby.

Who would invite a baby on a outing for young adults.

pointless and silly

I agree op, if grandparen'ts can't cope with them all together, than take the 4 year out for a couple of hours from time to time on their own. I can understand why they don't take them out all together, but it sounds as though they don't want to spend time with your other child, she is already noticing. Can you broach it with them.

OP I remember my then 4 YO DD playing up when her brother aged 7, had play dates.

At our house it was why can’t I join in if DS was going to a friends why can’t I go too?.

Of course, I understood where she was coming from, but it wasn’t appropriate for her to join in so I needed to manage her expectations- usually by doing something with her as a distraction.

I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t let your eldest do something with her cousins and take the 4yo somewhere suitable for her.

Yabu if its that age gap.

Your MIL has obviously decided that she can only handle the 3 older gc, which is understandable, if your 4 year old was say, 7, then she wouldn't be excluded, try not to take it personally.

It's lovely for your 12 year old to have a cousin so close in age so try and see this as a positive thing for your older one and just enjoy the one to one time with the younger one. I'm sure in 2-3 years when the older gc are teens and won't want to hang out with granny your younger DD will then become the centre of attention.

I'm sure if wouldn't upset your 4 Yr old if she was doing an alternative fun thing on the same day, I have a 3.5 year old who gets ridiculously excited about playdates at the moment, so even just seeing one of her friends would be seen as more fun than what her granny was doing.

3 and 4 year olds are such hard work I’m not surprised she can only cope with 3 older and more sensible children. For a relative to manage 3 children is more than enough without adding an unpredictable 4 year old. After all they are not her children, they are yours. I would just be grateful your older girl has this opportunity.

I am talking about grandparents wanting to spend time with all of their grandchildren

But from what you've said;
-MIL would have either/both of your DDs if you asked - but you haven't
-MIL comes for days out with you and both your DDs
-The only time your younger DD isn't included is when the 3, similar age to each other, but much older than your DD get together.

Is your issue that your MIL doesn't see younger DD enough? (but you say she comes on days out with you etc)
or
That your MIL doesn't have DD without you there (but you say she would if you asked)
or
That the older 3 cousins are closer in age, and so like to hang out together and your younger one is too young for the same dynamics to work with the 4 of them?

I'm fairly sure that the last one is your issue. But, unfortunately it's a fact of life that the 13,12 and 8 year olds are going to have more in common with each other than with a 4 year old. And, honestly, probably don't want to hang out with a 4 year old, although probably do take their turn to do so at bigger family gatherings etc.

Maybe suggest taking the 12 and 13 year old to a 12 certificate film, and the 4 and 8 year old could go to a PG (the eldest could watch by themselves, while you sat with the younger ones) so that you shake up the dynamic a bit. Or suggest some days out with just the two youngest. It probably depends on genders, but as your younger DD grows up, the gap between her and the 8 year old will close, so that's probably where you should look at developing a bond. The large age gap between the eldest two and your youngest probably means they won't be "friends" who are on the same developmental level until young adulthood.

Friends play date are different to family, and just going round to grandmas should be easily doable for both at the same time IMO

Looks like lots think I’m unreasonable. Fair enough.

Looking on the bright side- it’s obviously not important to forge good cousinly friendships with such an age gap so when the rest of the family meet up I can do something more fun with the little one!

I’m not actually bothered by family relationships as much as they are. I never knew my grandparents or most of my aunts/uncles or cousins. Sil and mil always acted as though these relationships are important but obviously I was right all along and they aren’t.