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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 17:10

@mrsm43s

But @Norma27, why do you want the shit to hit the fan? Why do you want to cause trouble? That's so petty, and spiteful.

Why is it ok for SIL to exclude OP's youngest but petty and spiteful for OP to exclude SIL's youngest? Confused

Winterbella · 31/07/2018 17:16

OP, just take a stand with them and tell them its not on anymore as your 4yr old needs to spend time with her sibling that's the relationship you need to protect.

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 17:17

She should include your youngest.

If not with the older ones, she should make days for your youngest and leave the older ones at home.

If she’s not prepared to do either of those options, then when your youngest is older and MIL suddenly starts showing an interest in her because the older ones are more bothered about their friends than her, I’d be soooo tempted to say no.

BackforGood · 31/07/2018 17:30

Glad you have now agreed YABU.

I suspect you already knew that, as didn't want to give the ages of the older dc in the OP. Obviously it is a completely different dynamic taking a 4 yr old along when entertaining older dc.
Your little one's time will come. It won't be long before your 12 year old hibernates for 5 years or so - as teenagers tend to do - whilst, at the same time your 4 yr old will become less demanding, as she gets that bit older. At that point, I suspect your MiL will take the younger on and not the older one places.

I wish my MiL would have taken my eldest out on the odd occasion when mine were younger. It gives that special time with their Mum that the littler ones don't get so much.

Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 17:33

Looks like lots think I’m unreasonable

No you're really not. I feel sorry for your 4 year old.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 17:34

What will actually happen is there will probably be very little relationship at all with any of them as we fill up our days already.
I have come to realise that family is not important at all. Despite what they say.
I will look after the great grand child who is shortly to come along maybe as would not like them to be a burden too. Or maybe not.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 17:39

@BackforGood

Glad you have now agreed YABU.

No she didn't. She said 'fair enough'. That's not agreement that she is BU.

Never become a lawyer BackforGood, nuance is lost on you.

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 17:46

BackforGood

The MIL should be making time for the 4 year old separately if she doesn’t want to include her on the days out with the older ones. Why should the 4 year old have to wait for “her time”? I bet when her older sibling was 4 he/she didn’t have to wait for their time.

It annoys me how grandparents seem to put their focus on the eldest children and then expect to able to turn their attention to the youngest ones when it suits them. I hope when the gran decides it’s the 4 year old’s turn to get a look in she doesn’t want to to know.

LeftRightCentre · 31/07/2018 17:50

This is where I'm glad my kids don't want kids. I really didn't like the toddler/pre-school stage and wouldn't want to look after any kids this age, even my own GC. YABU.

GreenTulips · 31/07/2018 17:50

I have a family member who always dotes on the youngest - days out shopping, buys gifts theatre trips. We are meant to meet tomorrow and the other two don't want to go - FM is acting all hurt

You reap what you sow - MIL is missing out on your delightful younger daughter and it's her loss.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 17:51

Shumpa that made me laugh as my first degree is actually law! It will be their loss anyway.
What makes it worse is she calls my daughter the day before and then expects me to change all of our plans.
Luckily they both have fab friends already and to be honest I think friends is the only family you need if you have the right ones.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 31/07/2018 17:51

Flounce flounce flounce, OP. Huff huff huff.

ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 17:54

Haha Norma!

I hope you don't change plans for her?

Your DD is getting old enough to understand when she is excluded.

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 17:57

*@mrsm43s

But @ Norma27, why do you want the shit to hit the fan? Why do you want to cause trouble? That's so petty, and spiteful.

Why is it ok for SIL to exclude OP's youngest but petty and spiteful for OP to exclude SIL's youngest? confused*

To deliberately exclude a child in order to upset someone and make "the shit hit the fan" is spiteful.

To not include a 4 year old in age inappropriate activities, because that's just how it is due to her age, and to organise activities that suit the age of your child (or the children you've agreed to mind) - not spiteful.

OP seems to be even more petulant now - if she can't have her way, then " there will probably be very little relationship at all with any of them as we fill up our days already." Why? Why not just let your eldest go, and accept that your youngest will get her turn. Or the many other things suggested, such as arranging something specifically for the 8 year old with your 4 year old, separate to the 12 and 13 year olds, or inviting MIL out for the day, or accompanying your 4 year old, or DH taking your 4 year old round etc etc. You don't seem to be able to see it from the the other side or make any compromises at all. My way, or no way.

And with the Great grandchild coming along - surely that's your opportunity to build a younger family group that's more age appropriate for your youngest DD?

Your SIL and MIL are not being unreasonable. Your 4 year old is too young to be included, at this time, in the things they are arranging. But as she gets older, and more independent, the group dynamics will change, and you could be working to develop better links between her and the 8 year old. But that's for you to do, because its solely for the benefit of your child.

By all means deliberately screw up the relationship with that side of the family, its absolutely in your power to do so. I just don't understand why you want to.

You've already said that you think MIL would have your youngest if you asked - so if that's what you want, then ASK.

Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 18:00

OP, I know this isn't your 12 year old's problem but I wonder if she might have a casual word with her grandma? Something along the lines of - 'X (little sister) would love to spend some time with you occasionally'

52FestiveRoad · 31/07/2018 18:00

Flounce flounce flounce, OP. Huff huff huff.

The OP has not flounced or huffed. She has acknowledged that lots of posters say she is BU. There again lots of other posters do not think she is. She is merely saying that she will carry on doing what she is doing and taking both her DC out and encouraging them to meet up with friends. All positive.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 31/07/2018 18:01

How old is MIL? It can be really difficult fairness wise when grandparents get older and can cope with bigger kids but not pre-schoolers. Hard call to make. I notice you say she looked after the 13 year old from being little, so suspect she's probably into her 60s now?

cornflakegirl · 31/07/2018 18:01

BackforGood - we do holidays with a number of kids that span a similar age range to the OPs children and their cousins. There's loads of stuff that they're happy to do all together - playing football in the garden, going to the park, going swimming, watching a kids film, playing video games, eating pizza. Not all activities are suitable for all ages, but if you value the children spending time together, it's not that hard to find stuff that will entertain them all for a couple of hours.

Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 18:03

Why not just let your eldest go, and accept that your youngest will get her turn

Why is everyone assuming the youngest will get her turn? That may or may not happen in the future depending on a number of factors.

Ski4130 · 31/07/2018 18:07

This is fairly normal in our family - there are 8 grandkids, varying in age from 3 to 14 years old. I'll often have my niece over as she and my dd play together, but other times my nephew (her brother) comes over to play with my ds'. My mum will have the girls over one day, or my nephews another, I'm taking my dd and both nieces to the cinema next week, and ds2 is off to a sleepover at my sister's tonight. It's just how it works, the varying ages mean it's hard to find something that all 8 want to do, so we tailor what we do, to which kids we're doing it with.

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 18:08

Dancergirl I was just thinking that too.

In the here and now, there is a 4 year old grandchild that the grandparent could make time for separately to the older children. When the 4 year old is 12 the grandma might not be in the same health as she is in now.

In other words she’s taking the youngest for granted.

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 18:10

Why is everyone assuming the youngest will get her turn? That may or may not happen in the future depending on a number of factors.

Because that's just life.

As the younger sibling, I got less time with grandparents and parents, because I was younger when then died. I never had 1:1 time with my parents as baby, because I had a sibling from birth, whereas my elder sibling got several years all to herself!

I had lots of things different, because being fair does not mean being equal.

Most likely, the younger DD will have a different relationship with her grandparents and her cousins, but that doesn't necessarily make it worse. OP has alluded to a whole new generation coming - that her younger DD will most likely be closer to than her older DD, due to the age gap. Her time will come. It may not be the same, but it will come.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2018 18:17

Have you (or indeed your DP) ever mentioned to either your SIL or MIL that it is a bit unbalanced and your 4 year old is at the age now where she'd love to have some independent time with them?

Or are you stewing in silence? Because it's not clear cut, because of the age gap. And if you never ask for the 4 year old to have time with DGM then you're perpetuating the problem as they don't get to know each other.

I sympathise with your feelings as a mother. I think you could act to fix this a little if you were so inclined and THEN if they all refused it would be unfair.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 18:19

I mentioned earlier that I didn’t know any of my grandparents.
I thought they were all dead from an early age. At age 18 I bumped into one of them.
They then died when I was 25. I still wouldn’t have recognised them in the street.
All of my others died - one when my dad was very young and the other 2 when I was very young.

If family is important to people then fine. To be honest, to me it isn’t but wish my in laws wouldn’t lie that it was.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 18:20

In the here and now, there is a 4 year old grandchild that the grandparent could make time for separately to the older children. When the 4 year old is 12 the grandma might not be in the same health as she is in now.

There has been no indication that the MIL does not already see the 4 year old or make time for her. In fact she says that she comes on days out etc with them.

She also says that she thinks that the MIL would have either or both her children if she asked, but she hasn't asked!