Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
RumbleMum · 31/07/2018 12:22

In this specific scenario I can see that it would be hard for the GP to take the four-year-old as well, but YANBU about the fact that she doesn't get any other 'special' time with your MIL.

Four year olds are old enough to begin to understand they can't be involved with everything, but equally they're plenty old enough to notice they're constantly being left out/don't have any one to one time with the GP.

Fair enough four year olds are physically and mentally demanding and might be a bit much (DS2 is 4), but my DM and MIL as they get older find other ways to deal with this such as coming to visit me and playing with the four year old while I potter upstairs. There are other ways to make them feel included.

Notevilstepmother · 31/07/2018 12:22

I think you are being unreasonable sorry. 4 year olds are far more difficult to look after than older children, and it may simply be too much for her. The age gap also means it would be awkward.

GreenTulips · 31/07/2018 12:26

Have you asked MIL? I'd certainly say 'sorry all these in items are upsetting 4 year old and it's a bit unfair really'

It's not on! She's inviting your eldest to keep things easier for her (new play friend changes the dynamic)

If she invited both OPs kids on their own without SIL kids that should be the alternative

Your DDs being used at the expense of the little one

I wouldn't allow it

FilledSoda · 31/07/2018 12:27

4 year olds are hard work generally.

notacooldad · 31/07/2018 12:27

To be honest I wouldn't want four year old with the other ages.
I would struggle with an 8 to 13 but it's doable and you've said in your OP she's harder work. It's not just about the chatter but they need closer supervision.

My SIL used to do the same, take her 3 lads out and my eldest because he was 3 years older than his brothe. We used to tell DS2, now he's gone, you can choose whatever you want to do ( invariable it was too the same park across the road that I was bored of 6 years previous!!!!) the thing as DS2 has got older ( he is 18) he is very close to SIL, more so than DS1

Your DDs time will come when she is older.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 31/07/2018 12:32

Maybe the younger one is seen as much harder work by others than your see them and dare I say it indulged and others feel your older child gets less attention (which of course is partly down to age)

adaline · 31/07/2018 12:33

Well aware as I am late 60s and look after my DGC.

And that's great, but not everyone feels capable of doing so! You might be healthy and fit enough in your late sixties to run around after a 4 year old, but surely you can understand that other people might struggle?

notacooldad · 31/07/2018 12:36

It's not on! She's inviting your eldest to keep things easier for her (new play friend changes the dynamic
Whats up with keeping things easy for her?
Put another kid in the mix and one that is only 4years old is going to be difficult. Even the 8 year old is going to need supervision so add a small child into the mix isn't good. Also having 4 children of varying ages that are not siblings is to be difficult what every way you look at it.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/07/2018 12:38

Op that's a pretty big age gap, if she's hard work, then it will be hard work for her. Maybe she can take her on her own occasionally.

melj1213 · 31/07/2018 12:40

The MIL already has the other two children as a standing babysitting arrangement so she's probably inviting the OPs oldest child because they are close in age and means they get some cousin time to hang out without a little one. She's probably thinking she's doing a nice thing inviting your 12yo to join in whatever she has arranged for his cousins.

She's going be organizing activities suited to the 12yo as the cousins are the same age so adding the 12yo just means an extra body and no extra planning/supervision etc

Inviting the 4 year old entirely changes the dynamic and so i can understand why she would not want to add her to the mix.

Additionally, if she regularly has your SILs kids then she can't really alternate which of your kids she takes as the 4 year old will always be the outlier, and so will always have to have extra accommodation made when planning activities. 2/3 older kids might be manageable (as they're more independent) but adding an extra younger child is too much for her so the 4yo doesn't get invited to group arrangements. The GM may also feel unable to be in sole charge of the 4 year old so doesn't make offers to take just her, hence it seeming uneven.

I would suck it up and accept that your 4yo isn't going to be treated the same as the 12yo and perhaps when the 4yo is a few years older and more independent she will be invited to more group activities/get individual invites to do things with her GM

sickmumma · 31/07/2018 12:42

Mixed opinions on this, it is a big age gap so I am guessing some activities just generally aren't suitable for the 4 year old and that could be why. My dad took my two boys to football last night and left my 4 year old Home however there is no way she would have sat through a football match and would have been hard work. He often takes them to football matches, trips to the cinema without the younger one (again to see things like Star Wars) and shows. However he has on occasion taken the youngest alone - he took her to a paw patrol show and also to the cinema with and without her brothers (depending on the film choice) but he defiantly had taken the older ones out at least double if not triple the amount of the younger one. However he doesn't favour them I think generally he just finds the boys easier/ more in common and like I said has made the odd time to spend some time with youngest but generally things he likes the boys also enjoys so it enables him to do these things! DD doesn't seem fazed when the boys go, I think she quite likes the quality time with me and DH tbh!

My brother on the other hand does a lot more with my youngest - takes her swimming and often to his GF to visit the cat! They have taken them all together once on a bug hunt explorer type day which was lovely but again the boys seem fine with this and he tends to spend a lot of time at our house playing in the garden with the boys as opposed to taking them out to places!

ReservoirDogs · 31/07/2018 12:42

Is FIL also about?

Perhaps they can only get 3 kids in the car if they plan to go out.

Everyone has already covered the dynamics of adding a 4 year old into the mix with the other more self-sufficient older kids.

Either let 12 year old go or say no.

Perhaps have a quiet word (not at this time but in the near future) about how it might be nice for 4 year old to spend some 1 to 1 with grandparents and see if they are up for that but be prepared for it to be a shorter time.

Also bear in mind that the ILs are older now than when they had the older grandkids when they were little.

Summergarden · 31/07/2018 12:45

I see you point, but realise that the younger one’s time will come.

Many people, especially older ones, find young kids hard work. In a couple of years they will no doubt be keen to spend lots of time with her too.

IceCreamFace · 31/07/2018 12:47

I think whichever way you look at it it's not kind for a grandparent to invest lots of time with one grandchild and not bother with the other. It doesn't have to be at the same time or involving the same activities. Obviously the same age gaps are going to exist as the older ones get older - will they never include the youngest child? It would be fine if she asked for OP to come too if she didn't feel she could handle all the kids or wasn't up to running around after the younger one but to spend loads of time with one sibling and not the younger one is unkind.

MerryMarigold · 31/07/2018 12:47

I think it would be unfair on the older kids to be held back by a 4yo who is probably equally happy going swimming/ park/ baking/ having friend over. Older ones do need to do more in holidays. I have 3 kids 9-13 and they all enjoy the same stuff, walk at the same speed, can generally do similar stuff (climbing, football etc.). I think it's nice they are including your older child and if you whine about it they may stop.

heartsease68 · 31/07/2018 12:47

Leaving out a four year old is not on at all.

I would be different if she was a toddler.

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 12:50

@NannyOg Well aware as I am late 60s and look after my DGC.

So, if your children decide in another say 8 years to have another child - can you categorically say that to be fair, despite any additional health needs that you may have developed, and despite the additional years that would be taking you to your mid/late 70s, that you'd guarantee that you'd look after any future grandchildren, to the same degree as you've looked after the grandchildren that you currently have? That in 12 years, when that baby becomes a 4 year old, and you'll be in your late 70s/early 80s, you'll happily take responsibility for that 4 year old, take them out an about with 3 other older children in tow too?

Or is there a point, where it's OK to love your grandchildren, but to not want to be in sole charge of high spirited preschoolers, because you simply feel too old to be able to care for them properly, or just too tired to want to.

MIL is not obliged to have sole care for a 4 year old, she just isn't, and if she doesn't feel able to do it properly anymore, then frankly it would be irresponsible for her to do so.

There's no indication from OP that MIL treats them differently apart from this, or that she favours one GC over the others, or even that she doesn't routinely see the younger DD. She just doesn't have her over or take her out, on her own, without parents. And that is because sole responsibility for a 4 year old is hard, whereas sole responsibility for a 12 year old is easy. And MIL, quite reasonably, either does not want to, or does not feel able to take sole responsibility for a 4 year old.

If OP wants her 4 year old to spend more time with MIL, either she or her DH will have to accompany her. It's that simple. I don't understand why the OP has a problem with this?

Butteredparsn1ps · 31/07/2018 12:59

I’m guessing that there could be several possible explanations.

The cousins like playing with elder DD so ask for her to be included.
The cousins, like most siblings close in age, fight like cat & dog. A third child improves the dynamics, so Mil invites OP’s eldest too.
MIL is aware that eldest DD needs a break from Youngest.
MIL wants to do something with her eldest Grandchildren that wouldn’t work with a 4 year old.
MIL doesn’t feel confident, or have the energy to look after the 4 year old.
The 4 year old isn’t as joyous to other people as her mother believes.
MIL is aware that her older GC might not want to do outings with Granny for too much longer and wants to make the most of it.

And that’s just off the top of my head. Youngest DDs time will come I’m sure.

52FestiveRoad · 31/07/2018 13:09

I was once the 4 year old in this scenario. My older sister got to have sleepovers and treats with my Granny because she was older, and I was deemed too young. My Granny always said 'I will take you too when you are old enough' but then she was diagnosed with cancer and died so I never got to know her properly which I am always sad about, I would have loved it if she had taken me somewhere on my own, even just invited me round to her house for tea or something. But it was always my older sister. It is sad and I think your MIL should make an effort to do something with your younger child separately, they are both missing out on time together.

Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 13:09

Very surprised at some of these responses. I think it's very unfair not for the 4 year old to be invited at all and I totally see why she would be hurt and upset. Extra 1-to-1 time with mummy doesn't cut it when older sibling is having fun with a grandparent.

OP, did your MIL take your oldest child out when she was younger?

I can understand that it's an age thing, a 4 year old is harder work than a 12 year old. And agree that it depends on the age of your MIL. But if she waits till the 4 year old is older, HER health and mobility may go downhill in the interim and may not want to be bothered by a pre-teen!

Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 13:11

Youngest DDs time will come I’m sure

Maybe it will and maybe it won't as festiveroad has sadly pointed out above.

WhoWants2Know · 31/07/2018 13:14

Could it be a car thing, OP? As in, maybe she only has enough seat belts for herself and the 3 older children if they go out?

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 13:15

Have I said that I have a problem accompanying them? If mil had called me and said about the outing I would have actually offered to go. If we weren’t doing something different.
If I whine the offers may stop. Really? I haven’t actually taken up any of the offers as we have always had something else planned. This wasn’t good enough one time when I was expected to let older one have a sleepover and go out for the day even though I was looking looking after her friends for the day. Apparently they didn’t need my daughter (their friend) here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 13:16

Festiveroad that is so sad. I also have a big age gap between me and my siblings and I never got to know any of my grandparents. I always felt sad about that.

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 31/07/2018 13:16

Could it be a car thing, OP? As in, maybe she only has enough seat belts for herself and the 3 older children if they go out?

That's going to go down well as an excuse to a 4 year old. Sorry we don't have room for you. The OP has said that this isn't a one-off and the 4 year old is never invited.