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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:46

Thank you cornflake. That is what I’m trying to get at. Sometimes inviting 12 yr old is fine. Doing this every time is excluding her.

Even if it was one afternoon including her to play in the garden together. I take them out to enough places to be honest and don’t expect mil to take them on days out.
I do take mil sometimes too if it is somewhere she wants to go.

OP posts:

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 31/07/2018 11:46

YABU, that's a big age gap and the older one likely enjoys a break from the younger sibling and a four year old would restrict the activities. Maybe she's aware you get far more time with the younger one and wants him to feel important. He deserves time on his own too if you insist that the younger one goes everywhere with him.

itbemay · 31/07/2018 11:46

@mrsm43s has it spot on

SnuggyBuggy · 31/07/2018 11:47

I think this is pretty normal when you have an age gap TBH. It's not unreasonable for your 12 year old to do some age appropriate activities without a 4 year old tagging along.

Original poster

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:48

I don’t insist younger one goes everywhere with eldest. They get plenty of time with their friends too without her. She would love to be included then too sometimes but I do say no!

OP posts:

NutElla5x · 31/07/2018 11:50

She has invited your elder child because a 12 yr old is easy to care for and will be company for her cousin who is about the same age,which is totally reasonable.If I were you op I would be happy that one child will hopefully have a nice time with her cousins while I get to spend one to one quality time with the little one.

adaline · 31/07/2018 11:51

How old is granny?! You're choosing not to answer this which makes me think she may be too old to be chasing around after a 4yo.

ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 11:52

Sounds like OP wants 4yo to have some time with grandma? Not unreasonable.

My concern here is whether MIL thinks 4yo is annoying or hard work and whether this will continue as the girls get older. 4yo will always be 8 years younger than her sister so not fair to always use the age gap as excuse to never have to take out younger grandchild.

I very clearly remember by older siblings going out with relatives without me when I was 4/5. It did hurt and I used to take my dad for a little walk and ask him to ask the relatives to include me.

MrsAidanTurner · 31/07/2018 11:57

Loving the assumptions that op can't manage her own dc, their age gap and age appropriate time for each, ie the suggesting what she can do on her own with her own 4 year old

Op it's not fair all the time, next time say, can you do an activity with all of them please, unless there is a reason you don't want four year old.. She is noticing she's getting left out..

ittakes2 · 31/07/2018 11:58

YABU - a 4 year old is totally different to a 12 year old. When the 12 year old is older and no interest in this sort of thing - the 4 year old then should hopefully get more attention.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2018 11:58

I understand your level of upset but tbh, 4 is a very different age from 8, 12 and 13.
The older DC can look after themselves, aren't going to be having tantrums nor need so much care and watching - they can all be pretty self-sufficient. A 4yo is a totally different kettle of fish in terms of care and what she can do, as opposed to what the others can do.

Of course it seems unfair to you but I don't think you're being realistic, sadly. :(

Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/07/2018 11:59

I think it’s fine.

TaggieRR · 31/07/2018 11:59

I can see why your MIL wouldn’t want the 4 year old there with the other 3 as I can imagine the dynamic wouldn’t work well. However I think that she should then have the 4 year old on her own some time, to be fair.

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 11:59

*Sometimes inviting 12 yr old is fine. Doing this every time is excluding her.

Even if it was one afternoon including her to play in the garden together.*

But your MIL either does not want to, or does not feel able to be in sole charge of your 4 year old. This is perfectly reasonable. So that cannot happen unless you accompany them. So it will always be just the eldest being invited, until your youngest gets to an age that MIL feels more comfortable with - I'd hazard a guess at the more independent ages - perhaps 8/9 ish upwards.

The likelihood is, that when your eldest is 16/17 and your youngest is 8/9, MIL will spend more time with your youngest than your eldest, and it'll be your youngest she takes out for the day etc.

It's just the way it is with a big age gap like that.

bibliomania · 31/07/2018 12:01

YABU. I used to invite a friend's dd to things because she was the same age as my dd. Friend used to point out how upset her younger ds got and expect me to take him too. Consequence - I no longer take either of her children. When someone offers to take one of your dcs, it's highly cheeky to think they "should" take other dcs too, imo. If you think it will upset the younger child, by all means refuse the invitation for the older child, but it's way out of line to feel hard done by.

CaMePlaitPas · 31/07/2018 12:01

I can understand why she's inviting the older one and not the younger. Can you not have the four year old's friends over or take her out? You can't really expect a 4 year old to have things in common with an 8, 12 and 13 year old.

OddBoots · 31/07/2018 12:02

Oh, maybe I am being a bad Auntie. I have asked my Bro and SIL if their 10yo dd wants to come to a theme park with me and my teen children but haven't invited their 7week old too.

manaftermidnight · 31/07/2018 12:03

You're not thinking of it from grannys point of view. She is minding 2 kids for a day, and asks another older kid along to play with them. That's three kids she has now. You want her to have a much younger more work child to make it fair, but thats' not fair on granny is it? She's doing your sil a favour, and you would make her day so much harder.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2018 12:04

But MiL never has the younger one.

That’s unfair

adaline · 31/07/2018 12:07

But MiL never has the younger one.

That’s unfair

But it's her choice. Maybe she can't cope with a 4yo. They're very high energy and need a lot of input - maybe MIL is at an age where she can't handle it, or maybe she just doesn't want to have to rush around after a small child?

WhiteHartLane · 31/07/2018 12:15

Did your eldest have trips out with her Nan and cousins when 4? I do think she should have your 4 year old, but only her by herself as activities for 4 year olds are mostly boring to older chidren.

I have a nearly 12 year old and a just turned 5 year old (both boys) and finding things to do with them both is hard and inevitably DP takes one out while I take the other. My parents are 67 and 64 and won't have my 2 children together as the younger one takes most of their time and attention.

idontknowwhattosay · 31/07/2018 12:16

MIL Isnt doing OP a favour. it would be a favour if the op had asked for the kids to be taken off her hands.
I get what you mean tho. your younger one never gets invited while all the cousins do and at 4 she is old enough to realise she has been left out.

mydietstartsmonday · 31/07/2018 12:19

I think you need to lighten up. Looking after a four yr old is totally different then a 12 yr old.
What you can say is MIL 4yr old is feeling left out, for an hour or two can you take her out - maybe a special tea with grandma.
Your MIL may not be confident with a 4 year old in tow, a little nudge with you nearby might be nice. Maybe go shopping with the 12 yr old near by.

chocaholic73 · 31/07/2018 12:20

I think it's perfectly understandable. There is a 5 year age gap between my 2 and, yes, GPs did used to take older one places, with and without her cousins who were a similar sort of age. It is going to be far more difficult to do things with a 4 year old in tow, they may be good but they will have a smaller attention span, less stamina and just be at a different stage to the others. Hopefully, when your little one is a bit older she will be able have outings with her GP too.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2018 12:21

They're very high energy and need a lot of input - maybe MIL is at an age where she can't handle it,

Well aware as I am late 60s and look after my DGC.

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