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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can i (a dad) get my toddlers Vaccination jabs done without the mothers consent?

295 replies

TheUnknowner · 31/07/2018 00:02

Basically what it says in the title.

My soon to be wife is dead against it as she believes all that crap on the Internet about it causing autism etc

I called the doctors and she told me i would need her consent but to be honest she sounded like she just wanted to get me off the phone or maybe didn't actually know.

He is 2 in a few weeks and honestly i forgot all about it until something reminded me.

Surely being the dad i should be able to get it done i doubt she would need my consent if it was the other way around right?

OP posts:
Imsodonewithshit · 31/07/2018 00:03

...Biscuit

ShovingLeopard · 31/07/2018 00:04

How will you deal with your wife when she finds out you have vaccinated him against her will? I would think it would be better to keep trying to reach agreement.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 31/07/2018 00:04

Nice try

AtSea1979 · 31/07/2018 00:05

Do you have parental responsibility? If so then course you can. Perhaps alerting GP to your disagreement doesn’t help but just ring back and book him in.

Original poster
TheUnknowner · 31/07/2018 00:09

@ShovingLeopard

We discussed it over and over again when he was a newborn and it was just a wall of no and honestly by the time she found/finds out it will be too late (yeah i know how bad that sounds)

My mother in law agrees with me and has also tried talking to her

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnknowner · 31/07/2018 00:10

@AtSea1979 yeah i should've done that rather than asking questions

OP posts:
ShovingLeopard · 31/07/2018 00:13

It will be too late for her to stop it, but not too late for it to ruin your relationship, if she feels that strongly about it. You are in a tricky position very.

Busybeez123 · 31/07/2018 00:16

Practically, when I’ve taken my child for vaccinations, I’ve never had to prove my husband has consented. The form just someone with PR to sign. So you could just take child and do it.

However, was your plan to vaccinate and come back and tell her? You can’t hide it. It gets written in red book. You have to keep an eye out for side effects etc.

If I were you I would say to your wife, “children die from these diseases. I understand you are worried about autism, but I am as worried about my child dying from measles. If I book the vaccinations will you come and speak to nurse (maybe see if you can get double appointment for this). If you are still unhappy we won’t do it (and nurse can’t do if you are there refusing), but please just here them out.”

RayRayBidet · 31/07/2018 00:17

Why do you need consent?
When my kids were due to be vaccinated a letter arrived to remind me, I made an appointment and went in. Didn't sign anything or get asked if my husband agreed.
How would they know she objects if you don't tell them?
And I would have had them done if my husband didn't agree because he would be wrong.

Beautifulblue · 31/07/2018 00:18

My partner (babies dad) took her for her first jabs & they never asked for my consent. I took her for her second lot & they never asked for her dads consenst... so I wouldn't think they'd even bother asking. You're the parent...

BuntyII · 31/07/2018 00:19

They won't ask if your wife agrees, why would they? You're an equal parent. I always forget the red book so DC jabs are never written in. It's a non negotiable in our house, if DH objected I'd tell him under no circumstances will my child be left vulnerable to serious illness because of some shit he read on the internet.

RoboJesus · 31/07/2018 00:22

Just book it and take him. They won't ask about any other parents. Heck my mother used to take my friends to get their jabs.

Redteapot67 · 31/07/2018 00:23

Yes of course you can. You are an equal parent.

CheshireChat · 31/07/2018 00:25

I don't know if you can do it now as you've told the receptionist, but I've never been asked if my DP agrees with our son's jabs so you'll easily get them done.

I'm afraid I'd get them done regardless of what my partner thought.

RafikiIsTheBest · 31/07/2018 00:26

I see no reason why, as long as you don't say anything about her not wanting him to have them. But even then some might just get on with it anyway.

But it might cause the end of your marriage.

Mummyof5dc · 31/07/2018 00:27

My dp took our children for vaccinations and he did need me to give consent, I found this unusual as he has parental responsibility, also all my dc have his surname and not mine. It seems a bit sexist as I never needed dp's permission when I took them.

Toottootcar · 31/07/2018 00:28

We would get a letter and then either I or dp took dc in for the jab. So although we both agreed, no one ever asked that, if you see what I mean.

Powerless · 31/07/2018 00:29

@Imsodonewithshit @DontDrinkDontSmoke ??? If this was a mother asking if she needed the Father's consent, you'd be all helpful! The mother is NOT the only parent, nor is she a superior parent! Biscuit For you!

AornisHades · 31/07/2018 00:37

DH or I took the dc for vaccinations depending on who was able to do it. Nobody asked about the absent parents consent.

Beahun · 31/07/2018 00:38

Would your DW be ok with the vaccine if it’s given separately? I meant the MMR vaccine as you mentioned autism.
I was worried too and asked the nurse beforehand and she took the time and explained everything. Maybe it’s something you could do together? It’s very dangerous not to have vaccinations. Good luck

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2018 00:45

If the doctors surgery is aware she is actively against it then you may find them unwilling to do them.

It’s written in the green book immunisation consent section (page 12 if I remember correctly) that if they are aware one party with PR doesn’t consent then they shouldn’t without a court order.

Personally I would either pay privately at a different clinic or try to convince her but I would do so knowing that if I chose to go to court I would almost certainly win afair pretty much every case involving vaccines disputes between PR holders results in a court order in favour of them.

Childrenofthesun · 31/07/2018 00:46

@Imsodonewithshit @DontDrinkDontSmoke ??? If this was a mother asking if she needed the Father's consent, you'd be all helpful! The mother is NOT the only parent, nor is she a superior parent! biscuit For you!

This.

There have been several threads before where the situation is reversed and the advice is invariably that the mother should take the child for vaccinations anyway. For some reason this is different if it is a father posting? Shocking.

Yes, take the child to get them vaccinated.

HeddaGarbled · 31/07/2018 00:48

Legally, it depends on whether you have parental responsibility or not. If you were married, you would. As you are not, it depends on whether you are on the birth certificate or not. If you are on the birth certificate, you have PR, and have equal legal rights. If you are not, you currently don’t but can apply through the courts and will almost certainly get PR.

I think you are right and she is wrong re the vaccinations but I resent your side-swipe about being the dad giving you less rights. That’s only the case if you are actively avoiding your responsibilities to your partner and child.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/07/2018 01:04

My DH has taken all four DC for all their jabs/weigh ins/doc appointments etc. No one has ever tried to stop him as far as I'm aware.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/07/2018 01:12

In the eyes of the law, until you're actually married, you're not necessarily automatically an equal parent (e.g. the father of a newborn wouldn't be allowed to register the birth alone if he isn't married to the mother). That said, they're unlikely to question you since, as PP have said, they won't know of your wife's objections.

However, PP are saying that you are an equal parent to your wife, which of course you are; but this also means that SHE is an equal parent to YOU. Your opinions on things relating to your son (unless illegal, of course) matter no more and no less than hers.

Unfortunately, there are some things over which no half-way compromise is possible - unless you come to an agreement, one of you gets your way and the other has to lump it. How would you feel down the line if, say, she was dead-set on having another child and you definitely didn't want one? Or if you set your heart on moving to New York and she insisted on staying in York?

If you go ahead with it without telling her in advance, you will have got your way, but at what cost? You will have 'won' this one, but she will never completely feel able to trust you in anything again - never a good background for a continuing healthy relationship/marriage.

You really must discuss this and any other potentially controversial opinions/concerns with her at length before doing anything unilaterally that you know or suspect she will strongly disagree with. On some things in your lives together and as a family, one of you may end up having to give way to the other's preference - but never before you've discussed it fully and clearly agreed on what you're going to do.