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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can i (a dad) get my toddlers Vaccination jabs done without the mothers consent?

295 replies

TheUnknowner · 31/07/2018 00:02

Basically what it says in the title.

My soon to be wife is dead against it as she believes all that crap on the Internet about it causing autism etc

I called the doctors and she told me i would need her consent but to be honest she sounded like she just wanted to get me off the phone or maybe didn't actually know.

He is 2 in a few weeks and honestly i forgot all about it until something reminded me.

Surely being the dad i should be able to get it done i doubt she would need my consent if it was the other way around right?

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 31/07/2018 09:18

There was the same question on here recently from a mother. I recall it was overwhelmingly in favor of her doing it regardless of her DH's objection.

I would have done it. The consequences for the relationship would be small fry to me, in this instance.

titchy · 31/07/2018 09:18

In the eyes of the law, until you're actually married, you're not necessarily automatically an equal parent

Gosh people do spout some utter bullshit online don't they. Hmm

TypicallyNorthern · 31/07/2018 09:20

People like your wife make me sick. As a mother I have sat there many, many times and watched as a Doc has injected my DC with a vax. Each time I feel shit about it and have to tell myself that it is better than dying from a deadly disease. Perhaps your wife is of the view that since people like me have done it, the chances of her DC contracting something nasty are very low. Thing is though, these diseases are on the rise. I actually know someone who is infertile die to having measles.

If your child contracts something nasty then it will be her fault. Tell her that. Unless your DC has a medical issue that prevents vaccination, it should be done. I thought schools insisted on it anyway? I wouldn't be happy sending my little one to a school with unvaccinated DC for no medical reason.

FairfaxAikman · 31/07/2018 09:20

Unless your partner is an immunologist and has carried out her own clinical trials then any "research" she's done is just scaremongering shit on the internet.

Vaccines weren't developed because the scientists wanted a little fun - it was a response to diseases killing people. Smallpox now exists only in a couple of laboratories in the world because of vaccination.

I think part of the reason for the rise in antivaxxers is because we now so rarely see the effects of "simple" diseases - people rarely die of measles these days and those affected pre-vaccine by polio have started to die off etc...
I think of the diseases were as common as they once were, everyone would be clamouring to get the vaccines.

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2018 09:21

If we all had open intelligent debates about it we'd be far better off.

How often does an intelligent, open debate work with anti vaxxers?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 31/07/2018 09:22

How often does an intelligent, open debate work with anti vaxxers?

IME it works well, I assume calling someone a fucking moron doesn't work 100% of the time.

BewareOfDragons · 31/07/2018 09:23

There will be no keeping it quiet if you do manage to get the vaccinations ... he's almost 2 ... he'll tell his mum.

I agree that children, without underlying medical reasons not to, should be vaccinated.

However, if you don't have parental rights to make medical decisions, you might find it difficult to see your child again for quite some time if the mother raises a fuss if you do this. Just doing it might not be the best way to go... have you considered going to court?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 31/07/2018 09:23

This is always a very emotive subject. You and your (potentially) future wife both have the right to your opinion - it is very difficult in situations where there is no middle ground - though paying for separate vaccinations might be a proposal as that is often seen by those who fear the vaccines as less "dangerous".

I would say of all the PP, listen to wejammin. It sounds like this issue could potentially end your relationship. It could therefore be used against you in court - not that you vaccinated, necessarily, but that you did it behind her back. This could impact Child Arrangements moving forward.

Pain as the process is, I would suggest some mediation first, and if you feel you need to go ahead, go via the court - a Specific Issue order. Then you would be beyond reproach in terms of your process.

LoveInTokyo · 31/07/2018 09:25

"If we all had open intelligent debates about it we'd be far better off."

How are you supposed to "debate" vaccinations? They work, and are safe. (The danger of something going wrong is much, much, much smaller than the danger of catching measles anyway.)

Surely any debate would simply be:

"They're safe and they work."
"Oh no they aren't!"
"Oh yes they are!"

ad infinitum.

And meanwhile the child could catch measles at any moment.

FuckPants · 31/07/2018 09:26

*If you know she doesn't agree of course you should not just do it.

Ask the court to decide. Apply for a specific issue order.*

Mum's would never be told this Hmm

LoveInTokyo · 31/07/2018 09:26

"IME it works well, I assume calling someone a fucking moron doesn't work 100% of the time."

IME it doesn't work at all. My friend has been trying to convince his wife of this to no avail, she just keeps sending him tinfoil hat videos she's found on YouTube about autism.

Imchlibob · 31/07/2018 09:28

For the health and wellbeing of your son, yes you should do it. If you have parental responsibility then she would need a court order to stop you.

However you won't then be able to marry her, it will be a massive betrayal of trust and proof of disrespect that no relationship could survive.

That's not a reason not to. Your first responsibility is to the vulnerable child, not to the person who is putting her crazy beliefs before the health of her baby.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 31/07/2018 09:28

You certainly can BUT if she feels that strongly prepare yourself for it ending your relationship. If it were an issue i felt so strongly on (wrongly or rightly) and my partner went behind my back knowing how I felt it would end things for me.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 31/07/2018 09:33

For me it would be vaccinate and leave the relationship. I couldn't be with someone who believed that shit on the internet and I couldn't be with someone who I couldn't reason with over something so important.

I know this post probably isn't very helpful. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Mrsmadevans · 31/07/2018 09:37

You need to communicate with your stbex, if you get DS vaccinated and he is ill afterwards which they can be slightly, or if he has a reaction to the Vaccination, then you will have to tell her then . Don't go behind her back she will never trust you again.

Smithlets80 · 31/07/2018 09:39

OP - I’m sure you have already done this but would it help to show your DP the reports discrediting the original study which claimed to have found the link between autism and the MMR? My DS was due to have his around the time the study came out and my friend (a senior epidemiologist) called me and told me to ignore it all as he was going to be discredited.

Fatted · 31/07/2018 09:42

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Are you prepared for the fall out if you do? The end of your relationship? That she may leave with your child and the ensuing custody battle?

I'm not going to get drawn into whether vaccinating your child is the right thing to do or not. But surely as parents this is a conversation you should have had earlier than 2?! What happened with all the baby jabs?! Your child will surely need more than just the MMR and a load of boosters they get at 2 if they haven't had the first round?!

supercalifragilistic2 · 31/07/2018 09:46

What vaccines are you even on about? Ds is 2 in a few weeks and he's not due anything ?

The next ones aren't due until they are 3?

Lonelynessie · 31/07/2018 09:53

If it were me I'd get the child vaccinated. In my view, the child's health comes before pandering to the stupidity of others. It's not your job to re-educate people who probably won't listen anyway, but it is your job to make sure your child is safe, happy and healthy.

When I took my dd's for their jabs I didn't even have my red book with me - they logged it on the system instead.

TimeForANewNameIThink · 31/07/2018 09:55

I don't think you should go behind your wife's back, for me that would be such a betrayal of trust, i couldn't live with what i'd done.
However, if it were me, and my partner was preventing me from immunising my dc, it would be relationship ending and i would separate and then seek a court order to have them vaccinated. I would hope that once she realised how serious i was, she would be willing to have an open discussion with a healthcare professional to learn more about it, than rubbish she's read on the internet.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 31/07/2018 09:56

Fuckpants I would suggest the same to a mother as to a father, given those circumstances. Please don't make assumptions.

ProfessorMoody · 31/07/2018 09:58

As an adult who has had measles, mumps and rubella twice, and now has serious health complications as a result of the mumps, take your child and get them vaccinated.

evilkitten · 31/07/2018 10:02

I took my daughter for MMR as my wife was working, and the nurse wouldn’t give them until she’d spoken to my wife. As my wife wasn’t available, we had to reschedule.

They were really funny about the whole thing - apparently we should have told them in advance that ‘dad’ would be bringing them as then they need two nurses in the room rather than one. It was bizarre.

GabsAlot · 31/07/2018 10:17

wasnt the original man who started this descredited and lost his job?

do u mean hes had no vacs op or just this one

HermioneGoesBackHome · 31/07/2018 10:19

Please listen to laptopdisaster

You’ve told the GP which has now closed some avenues.
I would suggest that, as you know VERY WELL you would be going against her wishes, that it would also put you in a difficult situation on a legal pov.
Yes you do have PR but then so has she......