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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can i (a dad) get my toddlers Vaccination jabs done without the mothers consent?

295 replies

TheUnknowner · 31/07/2018 00:02

Basically what it says in the title.

My soon to be wife is dead against it as she believes all that crap on the Internet about it causing autism etc

I called the doctors and she told me i would need her consent but to be honest she sounded like she just wanted to get me off the phone or maybe didn't actually know.

He is 2 in a few weeks and honestly i forgot all about it until something reminded me.

Surely being the dad i should be able to get it done i doubt she would need my consent if it was the other way around right?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2018 01:13

It’s worth being mindful that if a dad with PR has actively told the doctors he doesn’t consent and doesn’t want his child to have the vaccines and the Mum takes them the same refusal should happen.

Each parent can solely consent but if the practitioner is aware the other actively doesn’t then it’s an issue

Pressuredrip · 31/07/2018 01:16

You could definitely do and she wouldn't need to know. I wouldn't even tell her after the fact. I used to be an anti vaxxer and I would have been furious so it's best not to say. Please do it ASAP, there is a lot of measles around.

Menolly · 31/07/2018 01:17

You can if the GP doesn't know she doesn't consent. DH took our DC to all their jabs, because he was the one at home with them, no one ever asked him if I had given consent.

Whether you should is a different question, it would be better if you could talk her into it, but I wouldn't let mine go without just because my other half was worried about autism, because jabs don't cause autism.

DiegoMadonna · 31/07/2018 01:32

There was a thread just a few weeks ago started by a woman whose husband was against it and 99% of people said she should just do it.

I mean, obviously you should try talking to her and getting her to agree to it, but if she still refuses then she leaves you little option. The child's health comes first, you are his/her parent. If my OH was that dumb I'd do it behind their back without hesitation.

I

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 01:34

PR are for decisions such as this. If you are on the BC you have PR. What’s the point in being given them if you can’t use them? It’s not just the mother who gets to make decisions.

noodlepot · 31/07/2018 01:41

I believed all the crap about autism etc and paid for ds1 to have his separate. He was later diagnosed with autism.

ds2&3 had all their jabs, no issues.

AjasLipstick · 31/07/2018 01:43

OP my friend did it against her husband's wishes. I don't think you will have any issue.

Book them in and get them done for God's sake.

Dottierichardson · 31/07/2018 01:52

OP you do need to be prepared though, a friend's child had a bad reaction to a vaccine, it's rare but it does happen. What will you do if this occurs? From my experience of anti-vax people this would cause a huge, huge problem.

Dottierichardson · 31/07/2018 01:56

Also according to the NHS info. unmarried fathers don't have a right to make medical decisions for children, which presumably means that your partner could take some form of action against you.

"Unmarried fathers do not automatically have parental responsibility for their child, but a court order or a “parental responsibility agreement” can give it to them."

www.nhs.uk/nhsengland/aboutnhsservices/documents/consent_%20aguideforparentsdh_4117353.pdf

Dottierichardson · 31/07/2018 01:59

According to the same site you would gain that right post marriage, until then the right resides with the mother, although bit odd as not clear how this works for single-sex couples:

"Fathers also have parental responsibility if they were married to the mother when the child was conceived or born, or if they got married to her later."

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/07/2018 02:04

Whatever the rights or wrongs of the mother's sincerely-held belief, she is fully entitled to it and is breaking no laws. The vast majority position may be in favour of the father's viewpoint, but the child has two parents only who are allowed to make the choice between them - if no laws are being broken, nobody else gets a say.

Are we now to start dictating to parents that they can't bring up their children according to their wholly legal (if unpopular) beliefs just because the majority of people disagree with those beliefs?

Dottierichardson · 31/07/2018 02:12

WeBuilt I take your point which is a reasonable one, the problem is that individual vaccinations aren't just about the particular child/children, vaccinations are about 'herd' immunity. If this is not maintained then vulnerable people, pregnant women and children are at risk. As well as anyone vulnerable who comes into direct contact with unvaccinated children. It's a complicated argument. I think that Eula Biss's book on this is interesting on these issues which are too lengthy to do justice to too on this kind of forum, if they were I guess they wouldn't fill a whole book.

DiegoMadonna · 31/07/2018 02:12

Are we now to start dictating to parents that they can't bring up their children according to their wholly legal (if unpopular) beliefs just because the majority of people disagree with those beliefs?

Nobody is dictating anything. They're giving advice to the OP, which they are perfectly within their rights to do.

If one parent is putting their child's health and/or life at risk, I will always gladly tell the other parent to do whatever it takes to protect their child, including going behind the other parent's back if it's the only option left open to them.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 31/07/2018 02:28

Dottie - an unmarried father will have PR if he is named on the birth certificate.

Twombly · 31/07/2018 02:28

Dottie The NHS document you've quoted is from 2001 and the law about parental responsibility has since changed. OP has parental responsibility if he is named on the birth certificate.

Gotta tell you, though, OP, it's not something I would do if I valued my relationship. She will never trust you again. I think there have to be better ways of handling this.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 31/07/2018 02:29

If his name isn’t on the certificate he can gain PR by marrying the mother or applying to the Court.

Original poster
TheUnknowner · 31/07/2018 08:11

Hi all thanks for the advice i am on his birth certificate i have a day off next week so i am going to get it sorted

Once when we went to the midwife vaccinations got brought up and she refused. The midwife did her best to try talk her round but to no avail so it will be on record that she has refused

I think i am just going to have to force this and deal with any fall out after. Some things are more important

OP posts:
Babdoc · 31/07/2018 08:21

This is a no brainer. Your child’s health and possibly life, versus keeping the goodwill of a foolish antivaxxer? Go and get your child immunised asap! Think of it as saving your crazy partner from the anguish of seeing her child dying of meningitis or tetanus, or being left deaf and brain damaged by measles, or paralysed by polio.
How could any sane parent even consider such possible outcomes to be acceptable?

worridmum · 31/07/2018 08:21

Yes i would do it anyway her right to be a idiot does NOT trump the rights of the child to be protected from lethal diseases.

If the vaccines were worse then the disease do you really think they would still have them?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 31/07/2018 08:24

I would 100% do this behind her back. Then I would take the time to contemplate how I could stomach being married someone so incredibly thick.

GahWhatever · 31/07/2018 08:29

OP: Hopefully this will make you smile. Jim Jefferies is a sweary comedian so don't listen if easily offended, but he describes exactly your situation.

IAmMumWho · 31/07/2018 08:32

My ex SiL refused my nephew now 18 to have his jabs, my bro wanted him to have them. Long story short he has been Ill most of his life. Docs have said if he had the jabs he would have been fine. She abandoned child n bro the second he was poorly. She hasn't seen him in 16 years. My brother has had to deal with everything. If you feel strongly about wanting your child to have his jabs I say do it!

TheShapeOfEwe · 31/07/2018 08:32

Definitely just take them and deal with the fall out afterwards. Your children's lives and health are so much more important than pandering to your wife's ill-informed idiocy. She can be furious afterwards if she likes but you'll know at least that you did the right thing for your children and saved them from exposure to something truly dangerous and horrible.

TheShapeOfEwe · 31/07/2018 08:34

Gotta tell you, though, OP, it's not something I would do if I valued my relationship.

I think any parents ought to place their child's life and safety above their relationship, as OP is doing.

wejammin · 31/07/2018 08:35

Tricky one - I'm a family lawyer and had a few cases on this issue but usually after the parents have separated. If you think it could end your marriage could you try and arrange an appointment with a mediator or GP to discuss it all with an independent 3rd person first, because the fallout could be absolutely massive. Technically if both parents don't consent and you know she does not consent, you should not get it done without a court order, and it could bite you on the bum if she uses that against you in a separation (should she make that decision)

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