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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/07/2018 22:40

Blimey Yanbu. As it's your mums birthday and she wants to spend it with her family imo she should either pay for everyone ( which is unlikely to it being long haul and there's so many of you ) chip in some money or at least book somewhere that you can comfortably afford.

Sorry OP that's really rubbish for you!

Babyroobs · 28/07/2018 22:44

Just drop out and have a nice family holiday on your own within budget. Your mum is being very unreasonable and has not thought about the stress it's causing you at all.

hottotrotsky · 28/07/2018 22:44

YANBU. C'mon. This sucks and if your mother's so full of herself to wanto coerce others into celebrating her bday SHE should bloody pay.

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:45

Thanks Duck, it's real first-world problems I realise, but I really do feel hurt.

Mum had her heart set on something special, exotic and luxurious, and I can understand that. The first few options were way beyond our means (£10k for 10 nights for the six of us), and so we suggested an absolute top whack of £8k. Still a staggering amount of money, hence why we said we'd book later just we could be sure that it was affordable. But now, it's not. And it feels a bit shitty that the goalposts moved without our input.

OP posts:
Lea17 · 28/07/2018 22:45

That is quite a lot of money isn't it. I'm not quite sure what to say really lol. If my mum wanted us to go away with her but knew I count afford an expensive one she wouldn't do it despite me saying you go have fun. Try not to get worked up over it. Speak t her and say if we can afford it then yes we will come but it's highly unlikely. Maybe plan a weekend/day out? X

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:47

Thanks all. I don't think it's just Mum, but the others too - they see a price per head cost and in their minds, the new hotel wasn't much more, but when you times that by 6, it's suddenly a big leap. We've said we can't afford it and will do something just for us, but it feels a bit shit that they'll all be together and we're on the outside, which can feel like a common theme.

OP posts:
UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:48

Lea, yep, that's what I've said. And got the 'oh well, perhaps things will be better financially next year' comment. Which sucks, given that we were already paying so much more, but, hey ho.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/07/2018 22:48

Surely you must feel a bit relieved? The pressures off. You can do what you want, and go where you want without worrying about 💰?

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 28/07/2018 22:48

YANBU and to be frank I think you and your DH/kids have dodged a bullet here. If that's their attitude it's best to know now without having to deal with being in close proximity to them for a family holiday!

I agree with the previous posters - book yourselves a lovely family holiday in your budget and count yourselves lucky that you avoided paying for a family holiday with people that don't respect you!

Eliza9917 · 28/07/2018 22:49

Couldn't you go but stay somewhere cheaper?

Pippylou · 28/07/2018 22:49

Erm, they're not listening, just wanting to do what they want to do. Definitely don't go into debt for them tho. It's such a lot of money & I'd be resenting it.

TheConstantMoaner · 28/07/2018 22:50

How mean of your mum. Just tell her you can’t go as it’s way too expensive. Send her a wish you were here card / birthday card from your own holiday destination. YANBU.

Lea17 · 28/07/2018 22:50

Yeah to be honest it sound like there not mithered! Imagine what it would be like if you do go. X

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:52

Single, yes, it does feel like the pressure's off, and that's a bonus. Plus I knew I'd be seething if we all flew together and the four of them turned left into the luxe seats and we and wriggling, uncomfortable kids were in economy, especially as our offer of it being paid for had been revoked. So yes, we'll have a lovely holiday, but it does hurt my feelings that they clearly weren't that fussed about us going at all...

And shiny, yep, there is that too. I already had visions of them all lying by the adults-only pristine pool while we were with the kids. Last time we holidayed with them, we barely saw them!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 28/07/2018 22:52

Wow, I’m horrified that your parents expect you to pay that much! I’d just keep reiterating that you can’t afford it. It’s batshit!

Readyfortheschoolhols · 28/07/2018 22:52

Sounds like you have saved 8 K and the same in stress hours!
Have a holiday you can easily afford - with people who give a damn.
Wish your dm a happy birthday with a good heart and enjoy your holiday.

Bambamber · 28/07/2018 22:53

I think you should take your family away somewhere nice on the same dates. Somewhere well within your budget so you don't have to worry so much, but somewhere you can relax and distract yourself from your inconsiderate family

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:54

Thanks all, I was worried that it was completely understandable and I was overreacting as I already have a few issues with them. The main thing is that she'll spend her birthday somewhere lovely, so that's good, but we definitely won't be going.

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 28/07/2018 22:55

If they’ve already blown your budget on the hotel, imagine what it would be like when you got there - all the expensive meals and activities which if you didn’t join would mean you’d just be stuck at the hotel while they go out without you anyway. Defs dodged a bullet.

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:55

Bambamer, I like your thinking!

I just can't understand why they think it's OK to have changed their minds and whacked up the price so much when they knew how much we were already paying... Their solution was for us to go for a shorter period, so pay more to have less of a holiday. Er, no thanks.

OP posts:
UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:56

Cloudy, luckily it was all inclusive so other than trips out, there'd be nothing else to pay, but still...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 22:56

That’s very hurtful, sorry they’re being so crap Flowers

I always struggle to see how places to celebrate are more important than the people you want to celebrate with. Like wedding venues which must be so amazing they’re worth not inviting your siblings spouses or whatever.

If she wants a family celebration then she should do what she can to make it possible to have a special memorable trip with ALL of the important people there.

Really disappointing and I don’t blame you for feeling sad, left out and insecure.

The only plus is being free of the costly fuss now and you can hopefully make plans that suit you for something great to look forward to.

rookiemere · 28/07/2018 22:56

YANBU I don't understand this fad where parents of adult DCs decide that just because they're 60 or whatever everybody needs to spend a fortune celebrating their holiday. TBH I find it rather graceless. If you want a multigenerational family to celebrate your birthday then either you pay for it - and a British farmhouse or mansion would be much less expensive than going abroad, or you pick something that genuinely works for everyone.

Don't make yourselves go short to go on this holiday. To be honest they've done you a favour in the the long run as you'll be able to have a fabulous holiday with just yourselves for a fraction of the cost.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 28/07/2018 22:56

That completely sucks. My mum had a big birthday a few years ago and wanted us all to go on holiday with her. She paid for the accommodation and made sure to go somewhere that there was an option of cheap flights. There is no way she would have booked somewhere that would have excluded some of her children no matter how much she wanted to go there. If she wanted to go somewhere expensive she would have gone alone.

There's not much you can do but I would be hurt in your position.

Floralnomad · 28/07/2018 22:59

Seems to me that your mum wanted an adult only holiday and hasn’t got the balls to tell you and I agree with pp that you’ve dodged a bullet .