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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/07/2018 23:23

I genuinely think you have dodged a bullet, OP, BUT brace yourself for them all to bond on their holiday and be full of it when they return. Try not to feel put out, you will definitely have done the right thing by your family and will have a much better time doing your own thing.

Their loss not having you there, not yours.

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 28/07/2018 23:25

Sounds like she just wanted an 'adult' holiday and I can totally understand that. I can also understand her reluctance to frame it as such because it IS hurtfull.

Personally, in those circumstances I would have considered going on my own, taking the upgrade happily and spending some quality time with my mother. BUT.. I have the kind of relationships that would make that a great option. I do understand the not being keen on having kids change the dynamic as they naturally do and see the issue much more that your mum was not upfront and honest with you. In probably not wanting to hurt your feelings, she has hurt your feelings. I'm sorry.

Have a wonderful holiday with your family!

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:27

Chocolate, oh yes, yes, yes!

I'm always hearing how much they all adore the kids, but they never offer to come and take them out, very, very rarely have them, never have them for a sleepover... even though any of those things would help us out extraordinarily. The only support we have with the children is childcare that we pay for, and it breaks my heart that they're not the grandparents I'd so hoped they'd be, or like the ones I had. On the rare occasions they do have them, it's all over FB and everyone comments on how adorable they are, and they reply, saying yes, what a blessing...

We're always the odd ones out as we have the kids, and while I wouldn't change it, it does mean the dynamic is different. The adults, with their wine and dinner, and us chasing the kids around so they don't fall in the pond. We do less with them as a result. Interestingly, my eldest is 17 and he picks up on it too.

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 28/07/2018 23:29

I think you're definitely better off not going. However, your mother was presumably saving herself a few hundred by not paying for your flight upgrade - I wonder why it didn't occur to her to put that towards your hotel costs?

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:33

All of you asking about the flight upgrades, I think that was more - around £2k, and the increase in cost for the holiday is less than that. And no, it wasn't offered.

Trust me, there will be no holiday even if we have an upturn in fortunes, as I refuse to pay more for a holiday. I'd rather hold onto the money and spend a fraction on a holiday to suit us.

I just can't work them out - even today, when explaining the reasons for choosing the new hotel, they were enthusing about places we could take the kids and so on, so I don't think they deliberately wanted to stop us going, I'd like to think they just didn't think. But that's hurtful on its own.

OP posts:
MinaPaws · 28/07/2018 23:34

I think if people want you to go on holiday with them to celebrate a special day for them, they shoudl offer to pay or subsidise. My DSis tried this for my dad's 80th. She wanted us all to go to some gorgeous hotel in Turkey, and we just couldn't afford it that year. Just have a get together at home before they go. And don't feel bad about it.

Fabricwitch · 28/07/2018 23:34

YANBU.
My in-laws did a pretty similar thing to us this year, and now their holiday is coming up I am just so grateful we're not going.
If they didn't take you into consideration when booking the holiday, they wouldn't have taken you into consideration for anything there either. Just think of all the money you've saved and can put towards a holiday you actually want!

lewisg10 · 28/07/2018 23:36

You probably have dodged a bullet ... However, why don't you suggest that the total bill is split between the 3 adult couples. Your family - approx £8k (before upgrade); therefore each adult couple approx £3k - therefore total bill less than £15k. Therefore, the 3 adult couples all pay £5k to make it a family holiday for a memorable birthday :-)

creddo · 28/07/2018 23:36

'She knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

An old saying that describes your DM exactly OP.

ChasedByBees · 28/07/2018 23:37

They’re just pretty rude by the sound of it. You enjoy the holiday you choose with your lovely family. Their loss.

BackforGood · 28/07/2018 23:41

Agree with others. It sounds like a relief. You can now spend what you want to / would normally do on your holiday and go to wherever suits you and your family.
I can understand her (if they have the money) wanting to go on a luxury 'special' holiday for her big birthday, but she needs to acknowledge that is what she is choosing, and not pretend this was about wanting to spend time with her children and grandchildren. If she really wants to do that, then she would have taken on board your budget and arranged to go somewhere a bit more 'ordinary'. Or, potentially, if going somewhere much more affordable, then treat you all.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2018 23:48

It does sound like your mum wanted an adult holiday, and maybe your feelings about being put on the sidelines is because you have kids, and the rest do not, so they do adult things which means you cannot take part.

Quite frankly it would be a relief not to go on that holiday, waste your money on something that you might not enjoy and do not have control over. It might not go as hunkydorey as you think, with a party that big, there is bound to be some falling out.

Cornishclio · 28/07/2018 23:57

That is a shame and if I were to do a holiday to celebrate a big birthday I would want my DGC to be included and pay for all the family. If your mum does not take much interest in your kids then probably best you don't go as there would be a whole issue about going to kid friendly places when what they obviously want is adults only.

ChocolateDoll · 29/07/2018 00:08

Yeah, my eldest is starting to notice too. Breaks my heart if I think about it too much.

For what it’s worth, you’re probably best off out of this holiday.

We’ve tried doing similar trips in the past. In the planning stages, I would be hearing all of the.....”it’ll be so much fun...we can take the kids here, there & everywhere....we can play games in the cottage....can’t wait to play in the pool with them”...etc...etc

In reality, once we got there, they’d find a bar or a sun lounger or whatever, and then look at me Shock if I suggested going to a park or something.

It’s a constant pain in the arse when you’re away. And if the trip had also cost ££££, then the resentment used to make my head explode!

ChocolateDoll · 29/07/2018 00:10

And yes, I’m also always labelled ‘the awkward’ one for daring to try and make arrangements child friendly Angry

Freshfeelings · 29/07/2018 00:30

Bollocks to the lot of them, quite frankly.

Italiangreyhound · 29/07/2018 00:34

Your mum was really unreasonable. Have a lovely family holiday you can afford. If you need to tell your mum how you feel, then do.

Does your sister have kids, maybe your parents wanted a child free holiday! My inlaws have dh and his sister (who has no kids) and they do sometimes go away as a four (with sil and her husband) maybe a few times over the last few years, without us.

Then we occasionally have weekend away altogether, usually every other year.

I don't feel left out of their bigger holidays because they don't invite us and it's not to do with a birthday etc (they all have more disposable income than dh and I do!)

Have a great holiday with your immediate family.

Storminateapot · 29/07/2018 00:42

Lovely that she wants a special, top whack luxury holiday for her big birthday. She's at a different stage in her life to you and can afford it. Crack on. Your sister, if she has no children, is also presumably in a position to stretch to this.

You have a young family of 4 children. £9.5k for a holiday (or even £8k) is ridiculous unless your surname is Rothschild, by any chance? Who has that kind of money spare for jollies when they have a young family? Ask your Mum if she could have managed it when you & your sister were that age.

She's being selfish. The luxury blow out means more to her than spending time with you all. Otherwise she'd set her expectations according to everyone's means. I agree, you've dodged a bullet. You can have 2 or 3 lovely family holidays for that kind of money.

haribosmarties · 29/07/2018 00:44

YANBU. It would be one thing if your mum and her partner had intended to do something luxury by themselves for her birthday.... but to say it was to be a family event and then price you completely out but still include your sister?!? That is pretty horrible.
My mum wanted her 60th abroad and chose a luxury destination and hotel... and she paid for me and my husband and son to also attend. She paid for our flights and hotel and we just had to pay for our food.
She did that because she knew we couldnt afford it otherwise but she wanted to go there and wanted us all to be there..

Id be very hurt by your mums actions too.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 29/07/2018 00:49

I agree that if your mother wants to celebrate her birthday somewhere special then she should pay for it. I can't imagine wanting my DC to spend vast amounts to do this, it's unreasonable and unfair.

GabsAlot · 29/07/2018 01:03

yeah coz we can all magic up 1.5k at short notice

they sound very selfish op sounds like you'd have more fun away somrwhere else

Magicstar1 · 29/07/2018 01:20

We got an email from BIL recently about MIL'd big birthday next year. She wants to go away for a weekend so he's come up with a plan...but for DH and I, it would cost €3,000 - for a weekend!!! He says we could stay somewhere cheaper (how thoughtful) , but the flights would still be €1k.
We haven't responded, but no way will that be happening.

trojanpony · 29/07/2018 07:16

Yanbu
This is an awful thing to do.
What I think is especially shit is they have paid to upgrade(!!!!) your siblings flights (&potentially yours although not really because you have kids).
If they have a couple of grand knocking about for that I don’t know why they didn’t just offer to subsidise you slightly given it’s costing you about £3-4K extra.

There must be other factors at play/history as this is awful behaviour.
You are also well out of it - have the holiday you want and be happy you avoided the financial stress

PalePinkSwan · 29/07/2018 07:46

I think it’s worth being crystal clear with them - so as she’s texted saying hopefully you’ll have an “upturn in fortunes” so you can come, reply saying you’d set £8k as an absolute maximum, she knew that, and knew that was a stretch for you. There is simply no way you can afford £10k, or justify spending so much of your family’s annual budget on one holiday.

Maybe close by saying you’d love to help celebrate her birthday if she’d like to do something with you on a different day, which leaves the ball in her court.

Tbh - both of your parents have personalised plates celebrating your sister, which is odd in itself, and neither seems to have realised that it’s extra odd when they have two daughters.....so I think you’re right to suspect that they’re just not that bothered. Best to reduce your expectations rather than be constantly disappointed or hurt.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 29/07/2018 07:48

'YANBU I don't understand this fad where parents of adult DCs decide that just because they're 60 or whatever everybody needs to spend a fortune celebrating'

This from rookiemere upthread. It's incredibly narcissistic. And 8k is a staggering amoung to expect anyone to spend to suit you, 'big birthday' or no. WTF was wrong - if such a 'celebration' was deemed necessary - with a lovely house in a beautiful UK location for a fraction of the price? if she wants to go abroad she and her dh can go.