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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
pallisers · 28/07/2018 22:59

I think you are well out of it tbh.

But speaking as a mother of older kids who will likely have different earnings/family structures in years to come NO WAY would I organise what was supposed to be a family holiday and exclude one person/family because they couldn't afford it. no way.

My own mum would have rather been in a less fancy location and had her grandchildren with her.

I suspect this holiday isn't going to be all that in the end and you will be glad you haven't the pressure to spend 8K!! on it.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/07/2018 23:00

Couldn't you go but stay somewhere cheaper? why the hell should she, if you want to have a trip with your family to celebrate your birthday you either a) pay for everything yourself or b) make it affordable for others and be very grateful when they make the effort to come

I would be hurt and annoyed too OP. Personally I would write to my mum and explain my feelings, I prefer to do things that are important on paper as I feel in person people get defensive and it would lead to an argument. I would probably wait until after the holiday has passed so that they didn't change the arrangements out of sympathy.

Mari50 · 28/07/2018 23:00

I would be delighted to have found a ‘get out’ to be honest. Having to spend more than you’d ever consider on a holiday which is essentially to suit someone else doesn’t sound that good to me.
Unless you are really keen to go I’d keep schtum and rejoice that you still have £8k and whatever annual leave you’ve saved

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:02

Oh you are all lovely. Yes, rookie, a few of our friends' parents have had big birthdays and they've paid for the whole thing. We didn't expect that but I also didn't expect to be forking out so much.

Anne, I think they think they took budgets into account, hence revisiting it from the original hotel they loved, which was staggering. I'm pretty certain in their eyes, it's us being awkward.

Does feel like we've dodged a bullet.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 28/07/2018 23:02

Wave her off at the airport then go home enjoy your time with your family... Flowers

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:06

gareth, I did exactly that. She was telling me about it on the phone and I was a little short with her, explaining that the new cost would rule us out. I then messaged her afterwards saying how I didn't mean to be off with her, but the holiday they've now booked meant we were still paying a LOT more when we were already paying so much, and so it wouldn't be possible. Her response was that she hoped we would have 'an upturn in fortunes so it works for all of us'.

OP posts:
MintyChops · 28/07/2018 23:08

Hurtful and shitty BUT you have taken it on the chin, been clear that you can’t afford the new plan and are now free to have a lovely family holiday. Good work OP!

pallisers · 28/07/2018 23:09

TBh if I were your sister's partner I'd be thinking "I'm spending 3k to go on holidays with my MIL and FIL!!!"

kaldefotter · 28/07/2018 23:09

You’ve had a lucky escape. Plan a holiday that suits your family and is within your own budget.

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:11

Minty, I think I love you, thank you. I've really been feeling low about it, plus it comes on top of a shitty few weeks, and DH is away this weekend and is sharing my indignance from a distance. You've all made me feel better - my family is very quick to put anything I object to down to me being super-sensitive.

And pallisers, that made me laugh!

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 28/07/2018 23:14

That is hurtful Op but hope you manage to have your own fab holiday.

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2018 23:14

TBH I think she's not fussed about you and your family going.

She knew you found the original holiday cost a squeeze and has now upped it so they know it's out of reach.

I can understand her not wanting to pay to upgrade your kids flight though.

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:15

pallisers, your earlier comment really struck a chord. I don't think spending it with the grandkids would have been a driver for my parents - I don't think they're that fussed. They're very much 'adult' people and they're not that interested in my kids. This makes me sad, as my kids are awesome, and is one of the deeper-rooted issues if that makes sense, which is probably why it hurts so much. It's yet another reason we're on the outside, and my sister and her partner are included...

OP posts:
TaleasoldasTimee · 28/07/2018 23:15

You were willing to spend £8k on a holiday to please your DM?!? That's bloody bonkers. Your mum is a cheeky cow! What kind of mother expects their kids to fork out £8k for their birthday? Batshit crazy!

2gorgeousboys · 28/07/2018 23:16

My MIL has a big birthday later this year and decide she wanted a family holiday to celebrate. We couldn't go abroad on the dates she wanted to book for a number of reasons (work, school etc) so we discussed with BiL and sil proposed a couple of UK ideas which we could all do.

Next thing i heard was that they've booked to go without us so Mil, BiL, SIL and kids are going away for a lovely week of winter sun whilst we stay at home. I definitely thinking had a lucky escape but I know DH is upset his Mum prefers a week of sun to a week with him (especially as she has 3 or 4 holidays a year).

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:16

Martha, I kind of understand the flight thing, except that they'd asked us before about whether it was a waste for kids, and we'd said no, it came into its own on an long, overnight flight when they could sleep or choose movies, or whatever. It wouldn't have been an issue had they not already offered it. Either way, it's immaterial now as we won't be on the plane!

OP posts:
Nightmanagerfan · 28/07/2018 23:16

If your mum really wanted you to go couldn’t she have paid the extra, given that she had planned to pay to upgrade your flights? That bit doesn’t make sense to me.

We had a big family birthday trip to Italy last year - we only paid flights. All other costs (accommodation, food including fancy chef for meals) was covered by the person whose birthday it was. We were very grateful!

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/07/2018 23:18

"so it wouldn't be possible. Her response was that she hoped we would have an upturn in fortunes so it works for all of us."

I think it would have been fair at that point to tell her that, while you wished her the birthday holiday of her dreams, her response (and her holiday choice) was indicative of how little it mattered to her whether you could be there or not.

I think it would still be fair to tell her that, if you wanted to.

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 23:19

*”An upturn in fortunes...”? Like nicer family members?

You dodged a bullet OP.

ChocolateDoll · 28/07/2018 23:19

Your family sounds exactly like mine, OP!

I’m the only daughter that has had kids. My sister is wealthy and child-free.

My mum and my sister both harp on about how much they love my kids and tell the whole world on Facebook every time they see them.

But the truth is, given the choice, they prefer to go on adult holidays, eat in adult restaurants, sit around in cocktail bars etc.....

Whenever we plan something to do as a family, I always end up left out / going home early / doing a cheaper alternative.....etc as I’m with the kids.

Genuinely don’t think they even noticed they were doing it. My oldest is 15 now and after 15 years of it my sister is now much closer to my mum. I’ve drifted from both of them because it’s just too hard to keep up with their lifestyle when you’ve got kids in tow Sad

thatone · 28/07/2018 23:19

Agree with PP who have said it was a lucky escape. Even if you do have an 'upturn' and can afford it I would think twice.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2018 23:22

pallisers is probably spot on! If there is a family whatsapp or email chain reply all to be crystal clear-hi Guys, we have looked at it but the new cost of £10k is well over the £8k max you had set for your family and there is no way you will be able to afford it, sorry to disappoint. X

Out of interest, what is the economy to business difference? How does it relate to the overall cost difference for you for new holiday from old holiday? If it’s a similar amount I’d be tempted to call them out on it- hi Mum I was thinking you offered to upgrade adults on flights and we couldn’t because we cant leave the kids in economy- so if you could instead put the upgrade difference for dp & I into our accommodation cost we could make it - would be great to be there with you! You would know where you really stand after that...

For what it’s worth, my immediate family are having a family holiday together this year. There are 12 adults and 5 children from 3 continents. Mum and dad are paying the accomm for all of us to have a family holiday.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2018 23:22

They sound mean, I think you have dodged a bullet, what a big headache it all sounds. If she really wanted you to go, and know you cannot afford it, a decent mother will help out, she does not sound like one. Really childish self absorbed and self centred.

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 23:22

Oh 2gorgeousboys, the situations are so similar, I can absolutely understand how your husband's feeling. I have a few issues with my sister being preferred anyway (both my parents have cars with personal plates, with her initial and year of birth, just as an example) and this has just played to it, and I'm sure your DH is feeling just the same. I'm not even sure my parents are aware of their actions.

Tale yes, it was to please my mum, but an amazing holiday wouldn't have been a hardship! The good thing now is that we can pick and choose from anywhere, and just please us, which is always glorious

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Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2018 23:23

Once you get there, I bet there will be arguments, disagreements, one dominating it all. After paying so much, it will not be an enjoyable holiday for any of you.

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