Family holiday upset

[UninspiringUserName]

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

If this is the first time you've spoken up then they'll need time to come to terms with the new assertive you. It's a new experience for them. Let them come to you now.

Well done
Make this the first time of many where you stand up for yourself. Remember they chose to push the button and book without even asking if you agreed with the hotel, let alone the price. Their choice. They did it and you are not difficult but your mother is a bully making you the scapegoat yet again.
Stay strong and stand firm.

You are all just wonderful, thank you for the support, wise words and occasional name calling in my defence.

I still haven't heard anything from either of them, which I think speaks volumes. I may be completely wrong but I suspect they and my sister will have closed ranks, agreeing with each other how unreasonable I'm being and it's not their fault that we can't afford to come along, and how unfair it is that I'm making them feel bad about going on holiday.

To answer some questions:
They did give consideration to what was affordable though she was pretty set on a particular type of holiday - 5 star, all inclusive. We were told to set our budget and they'd operate within that, which they did. They put a lot of thought and time into finding something that would work for us all, kids included. Where it went wrong was when they booked something different...

The more I think about it, the more crazy I feel it was in the first place... expecting your kids to spend so much money to celebrate your birthday. When it was first mentioned, I suggested a house in Cornwall. Clearly I was off the mark. There's no way I'd expect my kids to have to spend so much to celebrate my birthday - if I wanted it to be a family occasion, I'd be paying.

In fact, was talking to my son about it as he wanted to know why I was so upset. I explained the situation and even he was stunned. In his words, 'but you'd never do that to us, and she's your mum!', which I felt said it all.

As for them wanting a child-free holiday, I honestly don't think they did. I genuinely think they wanted us all there, and they did a lot of research into places with facilities for kids.

Miranda, yep, the seating issue upset me. Shows how much value they place on us versus my sister. Yes, there's more of us, but we're a package and as DH says, the upgrade would have been a huge benefit to us more than the kids. Even if he'd said, look there's 6 of us, I'll go halves (which still wouldn't have been doable, but it would have been a gesture...)

Shumpa actually, you have a point. Usually, my parents are quick to sort things with money. They'd rather buy the kids things than play with them. They're well off enough to have offered to 'fix' this by offering to pay the difference for us, but they haven't. Don't get me wrong - I don't want them to, it's gone too far now, but it's noticeable that it's not been offered as a way to make it all go away.

AveABanana, I think you win comment of the year. I just might buy my own plate, but I'm not sure the spelling I'd want would be allowed by the DVLA.

ItsNice, I'm so sorry you're dealing with similar. It stinks doesn't it? And yes, if it was just the holiday that would be one thing, but it really, really isn't.

juneau you've hit the nail on the head!

billy, thanks for asking. To be honest, I woke up feeling wretched again, but now, less so. You are all helping so much to know this isn't me causing a scene or making a fuss about nothing. They hurt me, and I'm right to tell them.

jjjjigoo I think you're right. I don't do this. Well, guess what... I do now.

gin thank you for the flowers. And yes, strip all the emotion away, they changed their minds and booked something different without checking with us. End of story. Yet, they definitely see things differently.

I suspect she's miffed because you got in ahead of her. She was probably gearing up to having a lovely time being all offended because you weren't coming to her special birthday do, when you spiked her guns by saying that, actually, you were upset and pointing out her poor behaviour. So now she doesn't really know what to do, given that she doesn't want to admit fault, hence the silence.

op.
I have every sympathy with you. The last time I saw my mum I stood up to her about something, she’s now been doing radio silence for nearly four years . I have had counselling which helped me get my head around it, but I feel sorry for my dc who she virtually ignores as well.

YANBU

8 grand!! Fookin ell. We have done the family holiday for a big birthday thing before but it was done on a budget and not long haul to ensure that everyone could afford it and nobody was left out or felt guilty/bad about the cost...

You can still go somewhere nice and self-cater etc and not spend a fortune. If someone wants a high end luxury holiday for their big birthday fine, but then make that a holiday just for themselves (and partner if applicable) not a big family gathering....

I think families forget about budgets of others. We’ve just got back from a lovely family holiday oaidnfor by my mum. That’s how she does it. My sister can afford it but I can’t so she paid for us all. The issues come when we start booking activities on arrival. My single parent budget for me and my 2 children is very different. I work part time and earn about £1k a month. My sister is married with one child. They both work and earn well with their monthly income multiple times my own. My mother is retired but on a good pension. I always feel like I’m sponging off her but it’s a reality that I can’t afford the same as them all.

I think the OP is being reasonable to cancel altogether. How I kind to pay all the adults into premium and bit the children which means that those can’t. It should be an all or nothing. And it is worth the extra for kids as you get the drinks etc included rather than buying so probably comes out cheaper on a long haul. And often better entertainment. I’ve nevwr taken my kids premium but pre kids when I was in a couple and we both earned well we did this a few times.

You're on my mind OP! I hope you're ok.
You know, you could take the kids to Disney for that price and I'm sure they'd enjoy it more than an AI in the Caribbean or wherever. Just saying

I'd be a little pissed of but just wouldn't go....I've done 4 family holidays...twice two groups didn't turn up / didn't book in time the last one was a celebration that cost over 10k + holiday cost (ds wedding)and I've never had such a shite holiday in my life..walking on eggshells for 10 days nearly, & not seen the bride or herfamily since. Never again.

So, crappy timing, but my parents had offered to help with the children this summer. The kids are off for seven weeks, and my parents offered to have them two days, one of which was today. So, I put my brave pants on and faced them just now and... they didn't say a word. They filled me in on the kids' day, and then left. I'm stunned. They know they did something that has hurt me. They know it would have taken a lot for me to raise it. Not only have they not replied other than to say that she was upset, but they've now not said a word and are clearly brushing it under the carpet. I'm just stunned...

Sounds like they realise they've done something wrong and don't want to face up to it, hun. It's not fair but it looks like that's the route they're taking.

You are clearly a better person AND parent than them. Try not to let them make you feel rubbish, hun. I know it's hard.

Glad they haven't made your life harder by not having the kids.x.

Oh uninspiring have some and and a cyber hug ((()))

Did you say anything outright or just small talk?

TBH it may be the best way to handle it. I think they know they've not handled things well and dissecting it or trying to justify it, or at this stage do anything different won't work so maybe best to just let the dust settle. Concentrate on finding a nice holiday for you and your family, I don't think you will get an apology from them as it will be too hard for them.

All the best and don't feel down about it.

They make rules you play by them.

They don't want you and your family then so be it.

Insulate yourself from them, create a family of friends who care, your children and DH.

When they want and need you - and they will - they made the rules.

Jesus. So in this instance "your presence is my present" means that your mums gift would have cost you 8k!

So rude and thoughtless.

I'm sorry you have been left out OP, it must sting.

Thanks you lovely lot. I don't know what I expected today, but I was geared up for a conversation that stripped out the emotion and focussed on what happened and what the result it. To not even have it acknowledged is something I hadn't even considered. Even if they think I'm being unreasonable, surely the fact that their daughter has said how hurt and upset she is, merits a conversation?

But, yes, like Mousse quite rightly says, it's time to put more distance between us. I'm afraid I can't play happy families after all of this and after the way they've handled it. I have no desire to drag it out any further, what's done is done, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, or like them for the way they've handled it. Time to withdraw some more.

I've had to do this with my family and it feels like you are growing up all over again. That realisation that your parents won't always be your hero's and will let you down.

When this happens during your teenage years it is normal and is another growing pain but when it continues to happen into adulthood it becomes less and less forgivable.

There is a part of me that is still mad that I am the baby of the family but I am always the one who has to have the grown up conversations. I want to scream "it's not fair" and stamp my foot like a toddler. Obviously I know this isn't reasonable but I would just like them to step up and help me out not ignore issues.

And then I lock it away in a box in my head and look at my gorgeous boys and my lovely DP and my friends and I ignore them.

They just sound selfish and thoughtless the more updates you give. I have two daughters, one single and one married with two young children and we try very hard not to treat them differently. We have had two centre parks holidays as a family over the last couple of years and DH and I paid for everyone. We will do a holiday in Cornwall next year and again will pay. This year my married DD and her family are away with ILs and we are doing a cruise with our single DD and she is paying for herself. You cannot treat your kids differently even if they are in different situations.

I am also surprised your parents didn't help when you had pneumonia and are only doing 2 days childcare over the 7 weeks holiday. You get out of grandkids what you put in. Our DGDs are very young 3 months and almost 3 but we have them at least one day a week. We love playing with them.

I think putting some distance between you is good to protect yourself. It is a shame you don't have other active grandparents nearby to help you out. Hopefully though if you go on holiday as a family with DS and his GF they can watch the younger ones for some of the time. They stay little for such a relatively short time so make the best of them.

Oh Cornish, I wish I were in your family. It sounds like you've got it sorted in terms of fairness, and I'm sure your daughters appreciate it.
As for childcare, I was stressing as the kids are off for so long and we don't have a summer holiday booked, so we're juggling them between us and holiday clubs and my mum in particular knows how badly I struggle with working mum guilt. She did offer to help, but then suggested two days. Obviously those two days are a help, but I was hurt that it wasn't more, given that they're retired, but I guess that was all they wanted to offer. My mum definitely forgets that she had my grandma on hand for ALL the holidays, every time we were ill, anytime she needed a break... sadly, we have no-one other than them, and they're reluctant. My in-laws live a long way away, as does my biological dad, and to be honest, neither of them are that fussed, either. It does upset me that my children don't have the amazing grandparents I had growing up, but it makes me more focussed on being the best parents we can be.

I will be definitely pulling away. We have nothing planned that needs to be cancelled and we often struggle to get babysitters for evenings, so it shouldn't be too hard or too noticeable.

I see you mentioned biological dad there op - do you and your sis share same dad? Wondering if there’s more to this in terms of being treated differently?

It sounds to me like this partiality comes from your stepdad, and your mum has got into the habit of just allowing it. Maybe in the early years she was too busy with 2 little ones to really see it and it just grew.

I hope your mum is considering where she stands; I wonder if part of her upset is that she is subconsciously aware of your stepdad's preference and is feeling huge guilt about allowing it to run unchecked. I'm just speculating here of course.

It doesn't matter why or what she or your stepdad are feeling, it doesn't matter that your mum's upset, because her upset in this situation is unreasonable. Yours is not.

Cloudy I think (someone correct me if I’m wrong) that op and sis share a mother but dads are different.

Op, they really are awful.
Thank your lucky stars that they aren’t more involved in yours or your kids lives.

Cloudy and Jux, yes, I'm from my mum's first marriage, my sister is my stepdad's.

Mum and I finally spoke yesterday. She called me to say she wanted to deal with the elephant in the room. And I let it all out. About how we perceived the comment about the upgraded flights for my sister and partner but not us, and how hurtful it was, not only that it had happened, but that there had been silence ever since. I got pretty much everything off my chest (bar the more general lack of support issue), and when she ventured briefly down the 'we've all been so hurt you could think this was deliberate' I explained that actually, I didn't want to hear that one comment from me had caused their upset, when it was THEIR actions that had led to this. She was enormously apologetic, and very emotional, and I do genuinely believe it was an oversight. But as I said, what's been more painful wasn't the error, anyone can make a mistake, but their reaction to it. Rather than a 'Oh no, we just didn't think, oh I feel bloody awful, let me make this right' it was 'oh well, you might be able to afford it next year' from her, and a 'shame you can't come now' from my sister, and THAT was the most painful for me.

At the end of it, while we were being open and sharing, I told her how shit the car registrations made me feel. And she laughed and told me I was being preposterous. Apparently, she'd never given them a moment's thought and they were the plates that were available. As I said, 'but you didn't have to buy them'. I explained that they were symbolic of a favoured child, and it stank and I would NEVER do that to my children. She went quiet and then came back with 'well, is there anything you're going to throw at me now?' and we ended the call.

So, progress in one way, but another can of worms opened I think. But do you know, I feel good. I've never stood up to them, stood my ground and shared how they make me feel. It's all of you that have me realise I'm not some jealous child, or that my feelings aren't valid, so thank you all. I can't tell how you this thread has transformed my views on all of this.

Wow. Amazing conversation well done. It must've been hard to face that, but it would've been worse to hold it in for several more years allowing it to grow and take a deeper root. You now have a better basis for being more open from this point on. Well done and

Well it took her a few days to get to grips with everything before she caked you last time so hopefully she'll process this latest call and things will be able to move forward a little more healthily.

Great to get all that off your chest

Emotions on both sides and she initially addressed the 'elephant in the room' which can't have been easy.

Good luck Op, it's progress to have been able to be really honest.