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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
TheMythicalChicken · 29/07/2018 10:26

OK, this is what I would do...

Go away on your own, somewhere closer, cheaper hotel, get a nanny from an agency and take her with you to give you both a break. All of that would still be cheaper than what your DM is suggesting.

confusedmomm · 29/07/2018 10:27

I'm not being funny but 8k is an insane amount to be spending to not even enjoy it much - eg them by adult pool and you/kids not; them in the upper class flight and you lot in economy. If they wanted they should have covered it, but in all honestly think it will be much better for you that it turned out this way. Use whatever budget YOU want to go wherever YOU decide and you'll have a much better time for sure. It does such I know but it's not very nice of them to have moved goalposts either

confusedmomm · 29/07/2018 10:29

*suck - not such

UninspiringUserName · 29/07/2018 10:33

OK, have just explained it in black and white as there was another reference to fortunes changing. I've said that we were OK with the top budget, but the new hotel has blown that and even if fortunes do change, we can't justify that kind of money on a holiday.

She didn't answer for ages, and then answered about something else. No mention of the holiday, so I think it's safe to say I'm in the doghouse for being difficult...

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 29/07/2018 10:37

That's shit Op - sorry you're being treated this way.

RandomMess · 29/07/2018 10:38

You stated your budget of £8k any further comments from them or you being on the dog house please just repeat - we were clear with you that our top budget was always £8k so changing things would always mean we wouldn't be going.

Thanks
Redland12 · 29/07/2018 10:41

I had a big birthday this year and paid for 6 of us to go to Marbella. I also paid for everything there too, food drinks, trips, the lot. But later on my husband and I will go long haul just us 2 as I would not put that pressure on my children. I would much prefer to go somewhere cheaper so i could celebrate with them. Having their company is worth more than money. I think it’s a little mean on their part. Enjoy a holiday with your family. 🌷

Fishface77 · 29/07/2018 10:43

Op I’ve read your full thread with such sadness for you.
You do realise your parents are actually shit fucking parents who don’t deserve you? They are a pair of cunts.
Get yourself over to the stately homes thread I think some of it may resonate with you.
Flowers you sound lovely.

MarthasGinYard · 29/07/2018 10:43

I wouldn't mention it again.

As you've reiterated it twice to her it looks a little like you are fishing for the difference.

viques · 29/07/2018 10:46

What a shame. A friend recently had a huge family get together in a country house in this country. There were 20 + of them, all ages. The house had grounds, a games room, several sitting rooms and mahoosive TVs , a pool, a hot tub, a huge kitchen and dining room they could all eat in, lovely bedrooms, lush bathrooms etc They budgeted to get a private chef in one night to cook for them all. Got a massive shop delivered to cover the rest of the breakfast and lunches and had a pizza night the other night. They worked out that the cost per head was slightly less than staying in a hotel and the kids had a ball, the family dogs joined in the fun and it was a real celebration. They had a great time, no airports to negotiate, easy packing, all bunged in the car. Sounds much more fun than being stuck in a hotel sharing facilities with strangers and having to watch your kids every second.

AspireAchieve · 29/07/2018 10:48

A great gesture would have be if your parents offer to pay for their grandchildren (not gf). This would have put all other adults on an even footing with your parents contributing more to support everyone to celebrate.

AspireAchieve · 29/07/2018 10:49

would be

Cupcakey · 29/07/2018 10:49

I'm really shocked at your parents for putting this amount of pressure on you financially and for not listening when you've clearly explained your position! I think it's awful! Could she not have had the exotic holiday as a couple and done something less expensive, hire a cottage or something with her children and grandchildren etc. Your not being unreasonable at all your mum totally is. xx

Cobblersandhogwash · 29/07/2018 10:50

Please book your own wonderful holiday. And enjoy it immensely.

In my experience, going away on holiday with other families/people often means budgets are blown, itineraries become stressful and tempers fray.

Everything becomes a big discussion or a disagreement.

I'd send your mum a lovely card and gift for her birthday.

I don't get why birthdays for adults have to be such a big broo ha ha anyway. Especially a holiday. Will the whole holiday be all about celebrating your mum's birthday? That could get tedious in itself.

Also since you feel outside of the family anyway, you know what, sod them. Just get on and focus on your own happiness with your dh and dcs and stop trying with your wider family. Be polite and friendly but just stop trying.

UninspiringUserName · 29/07/2018 10:51

Fishface, thank you so much. I think I'm so conditioned to think it's me being difficult that I automatically default to that. Thanks for my flowers, I needed them x

Martha, I just wanted to draw a line so there's not pressure further down the line to be saving for a holiday we're not going on. If I'm clear now, then it won't mean having to deal with it again in a few months' time.

I messaged to say that we weren't being difficult - I hoped they could understand that we just couldn't stretch to the additional cost the new hotel would mean. Mum has just messaged saying that she understood and 'let's not discuss it again'.

Line drawn.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 29/07/2018 10:51

No mention of the holiday, so I think it's safe to say I'm in the doghouse for being difficult...

I'd try to put it behind you

I'd be jolly and cheerful about their holiday when you chat to Mum and also jolly and cheerful about the holiday YOU are going to book for your family when you chat to her.

Imo it's better to keep the whole thing light and friendly

And at least you know now, without doubt, that she's who she is iyswim

QueenGoblin · 29/07/2018 10:58

A similar thing happened to us a couple of years ago. It was before we had DS and the ILs were paying but they didn't understand why we couldn't go on the dates they had decided on. Everyone went without us and they very generously offered to pay for us to have the trip during the summer when we could go.

It did feel a bit shitty that we were being excluded from yet another family event (somewhat of a reoccurring theme now), but the trip we had on our own was really great, we had a blast.

A year or so later and they decide to do a family trip over Christmas/New Year. I said if the plan was to be away the whole holiday I wanted to spend Christmas with my parents, they were a bit unhappy with us flying out a few days later, but whatever. A couple of days in, we both got sick so hibernated for a couple of days in our room being gross. They basically ignored us from then on, even all going out with all the cars without telling us, or even asking if we wanted to go wherever they were going or if we wanted to be dropped off anywhere. They would also exclude us from meals. Overall it was an awful trip and one I do not wish to repeat ever again. It just left both sides annoyed - they were annoyed at us for being 'difficult' and not joining in.

My point is, think of this as a lucky escape and enjoy an awesome holiday on your own terms, and budget, instead!

theredjellybean · 29/07/2018 11:00

OP... Gosh I think it's absolutely awful and a passive aggressive way of telling you they wanted adults only holiday.
I think you have dodged a bullet frankly, and as many have said if your mum was actually interested in having her family all together to celebrate she would not care if tgat was a caravan park in bognor or a private Caribbean island.. It would be about having all the family together.
But I think it's all about your mum and showing off... Look at me.. Big flashy expensive holiday with my loving family...
Clearly telling you she would not pay upgrade for kids didn't put you off enough so they booked more expensive hotel... Knowing that you could not afford it.
Who does tgat kind of shitty thing? After saying they wanted a big family holiday???

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2018 11:01

The people with the smallest budget are those, whose finances should be considered when booking a shared holiday. Your parents and you sister / her partner are telling you who they are and it’s really ugly.

Personally I wouldn’t even bother with a big go out meal when they come back. And if they do, remember they should pay for you all seeing as they’ve just shelled out £700 for your sister and her partner to upgrade. I cannot believe they offered then withdrew the upgrades.

I’ve had the same shit from pulled by my mother actually except it was an offer for us to all go away on a cheap deal and them paying. I pointed out the ad was for 2 people sharing only. I stated several times not to say it was a definite as we had dd and my sibling childless. She repeatedly said she’d definitely book it no problem with the extra cost. 3 weeks later I heard nothing and tentatively asked (difficult person) what had happened. She made out I was grabby by straight away saying she never promised to book it and said they’d decided not to proceed due to extra cost for dd. I actually just wanted to confirm the holiday definitely wasn’t happening as is normal obviously. Dh and I also dodged a bullet that day.

FuckyDuzz · 29/07/2018 11:05

My Mum did this for a big birthday of hers too, there was my Mum & Stepdad, Nanna, Brother& his wife, me and my 2 kids with my Mums best friend and husband dropping in for a long weekend

My Mum & Dad paid for a villa for everyone and we have not had to pay for our flights and spending money
My Mum also bought one of my kids flights secretly because I was a single Mum at the time

It’s very unreasonable to expect people to spend so much money just for your birthday

beemail · 29/07/2018 11:08

When my M had a special birthday she paid for us all to go to a hotel for a weekend in this country - Suffolk. The journey was manageable for everyone, all arrived excited and relaxed and we had a great weekend.
Could your M not do this and have a special holiday some other time?

The cost of the holiday is extortionate and hard to believe it couldn't be done cheaper. I'm an experienced traveller and have never paid this amount even for our more far flung destinations. Such a shame it can't be a simpler but more inclusive celebration

KC225 · 29/07/2018 11:09

I would be fuming. Having read your updates it does sound as you are treated unfairly in general.

Do as other have suggested, take your money and spend on a super holiday, something all inclusive with kids club and activities for the older ones. You deserve a rest and a break. Lie back on a dubbed, read trashy books and wonder what you will trough down at the buffet.

Leave it now. Do not mention the holiday agian. Dont ask them about it. Don't respond to texts about it. Pretend it isn't happening. You have made it clear that you are not going. End of OP. You have your own holiday to plan.

slithytove · 29/07/2018 11:15

Surely the gf puts it up more than that, as her coming means 3 hotel rooms when if she isn’t there all your kids can share?

Why don’t you look at the genuine numbers without taking her, and maybe take her along on a different holiday?

Only for your own knowledge of course, it doesn’t have to mean you go with your parents. I just find with situations like this it’s better to get a full picture.

frogsoup · 29/07/2018 11:16

It makes me sad that often you see people on here going off on rants about loving parents wanting to do something terribly intrusive like, oh, visit their new grandchild within a week of birth, say, whereas you sound so defeated and polite when your parents are treating you like absolute shit Sad I'd be giving them a piece of my mind in your position, not apologising, but I suspect you are probably better off just retreating from the whole sorry lot of them and having a lovely holiday with your kids. It sucks though Flowers

llangennith · 29/07/2018 11:21

OP you sound lovely. Nothing you've said on here is anything other than reasonable. Your DM really doesn't understand you at all does she? She sounds totally self-centred.
Regarding your son's GF, when my son was 16 we took his then long-term GF with us to Fuerteventura. She was almost part of the family and her presence added to our enjoyment. Her parents couldn't afford it so we paid for her. They're both married to other people now but we still remember what a good holiday it was and are glad she was there.
Have a lovely holiday😊

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