Family holiday upset

[UninspiringUserName]

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

The lack of care and consideration shown towards you over the holiday is bad enough, but then when I read that their car number-plates have your sister's initials but not yours - well, that's just gobsmackingly awful. I can't begin to imagine doing that to my own DCs.
The inequality is not something that will just something that will suddenly stop hurting, but just try to detach from them a bit - and definitely book that affordable family holiday at the same time.

at the plates. I missed that. (Fits with the narcissism, tbh, though)

The number of parents on here who play blatant favourites and leave the unfavoured child/ren tying themselves in knots lifelong to rationalise/justify it/win some approval is very saddening

Time to stop running after them, OP. Their loss.

Totally dodged a bullet, good for you for sticking to guns. If they were bothered about you going they’d have either picked somewhere cheaper or used the money they’re paying for flight upgrades to subsidise your holiday. I also wouldn’t go on holiday with people not keen on kids. It would have been tense I imagine. Now use your saved 8 grand on things you want to do.

It would have been a horrible ‘2 tier’ holiday by the sounds of it, with you having an early meal with dc whilst they go to fancier places later. Book something just for yourselves and take it as a lucky escape.

Honestly think you've had a lucky escape from this. Don't forget there's always a credit card bill to pay ONTOP of the holiday cost for bar drinks, trips out etc of around £700 or so for a week, even at so called all inclusives. Could have left you in a bit of misery afterwards.....especially if there's any kind of row etc during the holiday. I know my OH would be miffed at the £ from the outset unless it was all utterly perfect....good weather, the lot!

When my mum had a significant birthday a couple of years ago she paid for my family and my brothers family to go away for a long weekend. She paid for everything - meals out, activities and travel.
It was her way of celebrating her birthday with her family.
Next year it’s a significant birthday for my dad and they are talking about doing a very similar thing.
The difference is that they want all the family included in celebrating their birthday.
YANBU OP. Plan a lovely affordable holiday for your family and enjoy it. You will be teaching your kids that family is important and I bet you will have a better time than you would have hadwith your sister and Mum.

I sympathise my family are the same. My sister and sister in law arranged a surprise 30th weekend getaway leaving Friday afternoon returning Sunday lunchtime. Hiring a house cost to us as s family £450 plus petrol spending, I was made to feel bad for ‘missing out’ . My dad suggested a skiing holiday in Feb next year, great I said give me a few days as it’s going cost around £3,5/4K for a week. Next thing we need to book it gets busy, again we can’t do it. We are refurbishing our house and it’s a horrendous amount of money!!! However out of four siblings I am the ‘tight’ one not making memories one sister rich husband no worries with money, one good earners but massive debts spoilt brother. I am up to my back teeth in it!!!

I think they heard alarm bells ringing when you said you weren’t booking ‘yet’. And wanted to check you had enough cash. If someone had said that to me I would assume they weren’t really likely to come.

Basically, they thought ‘she isn’t coming so we don’t need to restrict ourselves to her budget’. And booked the one they wanted.

It sounds like your DM would rather say she went to x for her birthday than spend it with her full family somewhere more affordable. I’m shocked she didn’t offer you the upgrade money at least to pay towards it (though am with the others, if it’s her celebration, she should be paying). It’s oft repeated on here but when someone tells you who they are, listen. I think you’ve dodged a bullet too OP, enjoy your family holiday somewhere of your choosing and without breaking the bank. Good luck with your business project too.

If you are still upset about not going, check out netflights, you may find them much cheaper for the holiday than the tour operator. I don’t work there or have any connection but I do book a lot of holidays!

Yes. They definitely wanted a child-free holiday so priced you out of it. At least you don’t have to do long haul now with four kids.

Could you not ask her if she'll use the money she would have spent upgrading your flights on the hotel upgrade? She can only say no.

'Could you not ask her if she'll use the money she would have spent upgrading your flights on the hotel upgrade? She can only say no'

Seriously?

I'd never dream of doing that personally.

Yanbu OP, now dodged a bullet. I agree with pp too that it would have been a two tier holiday.
I bet your kids are young and it's very obvious that they didn't want them there.
If I were you I would focus on your new business and then plan a lovely holiday for you and your family. Good luck OP!

both my parents have cars with personal plates, with her initial and year an example

Surely one parent should have had yours on their plates?

OP, how on earth do you put up with these twats? What do they add to your life?

I would check she knows 100% you won't be coming. The comments about your finances being different then, suggests they sort of think you'll find the difference and come - you need to spell it out now that you consider yourselves priced out and are no longer planning to come along, otherwise your every financial choice between now and then will be judged. (Eg " Oh they've got no money for the extra for the holiday, but they can take all 4 kids to legoland!")

Perhaps suggest a 2nd trip, where your mum and dad can join your family on a more family friendly trip, ideally where her share would be the same as upgrading yours and DHs seats, a week in a med hotel that's family friendly but also a bit luxurious (or a villa with own pool) for you all would be considerably less than £8k. Even if she turns that down, it reinforces that you are no longer planning on coming on the trip with them.

I think Quoad has it.

Your parents sound very tricksy - the car plates is awful.

But I do think a big holiday would always have been tricksy when two of the couples don't have smallish children and one couple has 4. Different wants and priorities.

Came to the end and Snowflake is pretty much saying what I wanted to say...
Firstly, the first image I had was a cartoon with those thought bubbles, and everyone's image of the "dream holiday" being a bit different... it seems that there are very different expectations and for your parents the priority is the dream flight, venue etc and not so much the whole of the family around.
Might sound a bit controversial to say this, but as you had already said you didn't want to book yet due to an in secure business thing, maybe at that point they decided to go with their first choice hotel. If they had "compromised" to the hotel that worked for you, and then you couldn't book, they might have been miffed. Not condoning that view, just wonder if that was the dynamics of it?
That said, I agree with snowflake that you need to be really clear with DPs. That the "upturn" would mean that you had a maximum of £8K for the holiday, so their change of hotel has priced you out regardless. They may (but I doubt it) offer to support you with the extra funds. You could suggest a special day out/short break for your family and parents, or you could just let it go, and all move on on the understanding that it didn't work out for everyone.
I also agree with PP that you need to lower your expectations of your family in order to protect your own heart. It is sad that they are the way they are (the personalised plates is shocking btw) and all you can do is change your own response to look after yourself. They are unlikely to change.
Hope you get to book a really special holiday for the six of you!!

Morning all, thank you so much for your replies, it's definitely helped me realise it's not me overreacting.

Re the car plates, yes, it really hurt my feelings at the time, and still does. I look at all the ways we're mindful of never being seen to favour one child over another, even down to pictures on phone screensavers for goodness sake, and this is in completely in contrast to that. Being fair to them, I don't know if they do favour my sister as such, but the car number plates pisses me off every time I see their car! Not sure if it's relevant, my sister is my dad's daughter, I'm from my mum's first marriage, hence the slight niggle that I've always been the cuckoo...

And the holiday, I think, would have been lovely. We're not a falling-out kind of family, and on an all-inclusive holiday where there's no need to do much other than lounge around, I don't think it would have been dictated by anyone in particular - my folks like their routines, but with kids, that works for us too, which is why we said they could count us in. The only sticking point for us would have been the them-and-us element of us with kids and them without. Like Chocolate, there's been talk of things to do with the kids when we're there, but the reality will be very different, but that's fine - they're our children and our responsibility. But, the good thing now is that we don't need to worry about it. I do feel like a weight is off my shoulders re the costs. Quite fancy Googling holidays for just us now I'm £8k better off - and it's raining!

There was a conflict of interest here. Your Mum wanted luxurious and exotic treat (and why not?) but the size of your family dictates more of a ‘cheap and cheerful’ approach. Your Mum though she could have her treat AND all her family around her.

From your DSis’s POV I’m not sure I would want my holiday choices made on the basis of the needs of a big family. You chose, and enjoy, a family, she didn’t.

(Is child-free her choice, or was she unable? If she couldn’t have children her sensitivities and your parents’ , could be behind this whole upset and difference).

I wouldn’t try and create an additional new hol, say you’ll have dinner with them, and tell them to have a wonderful holiday. The hurt is in the way they treat you generally. It will be a huge relief not to bankrupt yourselves to have them seek sanctuary in the adults pool.

Shots an afternoon tea party for you mum either before or after she goes. That’ll cost about £55 max (?!) so you’ve got £7,500 towards your own holiday.

How old were you when your parents married? I think you being a step daughter does probably make a difference to your father.

I've been reading with interest, my parents have suggested a similar arrangement in the future, but have form for being quite inconsiderate of the fact that we have children. Now that my sibling has a child they do seem to be slightly more aware that children need to be considered, but I'm not filled with confidence after reading this thread!

OP it’s the same in our family, BIL is FIL son, DH has a different dad. I’ve been with DH for 11 years and PIL treat BIL so different to BIL. Things have only improved since DD arrived last year, they’ve started to actually give a shit.
We sort of had an issue like this, it’s FILs 50th next year and he wanted to hire a villa in the canaries for the week and take us, and BIL + GF away. He was paying for the villa. That’s great and it’s generous but MIL works in a school so we’d have to go in half term so the price we’d pay for flights would be more than we’d pay to go away AI during term time. Then we’d have spending money to add on.
Conversations about this took place last summer whilst I was on ML, money has been tight but nothing more has been said about this holiday. I asked a couple of months ago and was told they’ll be looking into it the end of this year. So 2 months before we’d be going. Sorry no, you can’t turn round 2 months before and expect us to have £1k + put away for a holiday. If this happens we’ll be saying no and not going.
I forgot to mention BIL split with his GF around the time I asked, so looks like the only reason we’re being made to wait is because of this. They’d only been together maybe like 6 months anyway so not like it’s a massive shock.
I’m glad I was an only child, I could not be arsed with dealing with it on my side as well.

Quoad, they knew we were 90% there in terms of going. All the conversations to this point were about us going too, and they said they understood that £8k was a lot of money and with the project not yet performing in the way it needs to, it made sense for us to commit a little later on. There was no need for them to check we had the cash. We run a business and if this particular project doesn't work, it could have implications further down the line so we're just being cautious (and impressively grown up, I thought).

To give some context, my parents are comfortable. Both retired, have a lovely house, lots of lovely holidays and want for nothing, but they're not so well off that they can set fire to cash. My sister and her partner probably earn half of our earnings, but don't have kids so their disposable income is healthy and they prioritise holidays over other stuff. We've had years where we've been flat broke and always had more month than money, but we're now doing much better so in my parents' minds, they see the price per head and it's not a biggie, same for my sister I think.

Snowflake, absolutely. I've said that the new hotel means they have to count us out, but all of Mum's comments since have been about 'well, hopefully things will change' so I don't think she's listening. I'll reinforce this today as I don't want raised eyebrows every time we make a decision financially... (good point, thank you)

As for offering another holiday, we're way past that. We explored all kinds of options in the lead up to them booking, and this is definitely what she wanted. That's absolutely fine, as it's our kind of holiday too, but they've all committed now and paid deposits. End of story. I've said we'll do a lovely meal when they get back.

MrsCampbell, thanks for your thoughts. Just realised we sound like the Waltons - we have three kids, 17, 5 and 6, and the eldest would be taking his long-term girlfriend. They'll be almost 18, so virtually adults, so it's just two younger ones to entertain.

Gottoeat Yep, you're absolutely bang on. I need to draw a line now so there's no expectation that we should be saving hard to squirrel away every penny. We have a group message, so I'll drop them a line today making it clear that we're out, Dragons-Den style.

And you're also right re expectations. Mine are already low. I had an op last year and in the lead up, I was horribly ill every single day, and then caught pneumonia on top. My husband and I were trying to expand the business, look after the kids and keep all our plates spinning while I was coughing up blood and collapsing in a heap regularly, and we had no offers of support at all, and when we asked, we were told it wasn't possible. If anything, they stepped back. I've not felt the same about them since.

OP
I'm always hearing how much they all adore the kids, but they never offer to come and take them out, very, very rarely have them, never have them for a sleepover

I hear this a lot on MN but I believe people can wholeheartedly love grandchildren but still not want to babysit them.

The car plate things is odd