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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
SheSparkles · 27/07/2018 16:17

I totally agree with you. I think it started around the time of people announcing that “we’re” pregnant 🙄

MrSpock · 27/07/2018 16:17

When I had DS1 I didn’t want a fuss. I don’t like being bombarded with people and I don’t like having people in my face. I just want o get on with it.

allertse · 27/07/2018 16:19

The posts usually say exactly why people don't want visitors, have you actually read them?

Normally it is because the visitors have a history of being overbearing, demanding, outstaying their welcome, etc.

Noone ever posts saying "my family are lovely, helpful, and only want to pop in for half an hour but I don't want them to"

Cherubfish · 27/07/2018 16:19

YANBU. I do think it's the couple's choice but I find the idea so weird. Fair enough not wanting people staying over but what's wrong with visiting for an hour and giving the baby a cuddle?

Storm4star · 27/07/2018 16:19

Without wanting it to sound like a sob story, we had no family who could visit when mine were born. I would have loved visitors! It made me want to cry seeing everyone on the ward getting visits from family with flowers and gifts, and smiling happy faces while I had the misery who was the kids dad (no longer together!) and that was it. I find it quite sad to be honest, and more than a little precious! People should appreciate having so many people in baby's life that actually care when others would kill for that sort of love and support.

Littleredridinghoodgrewup · 27/07/2018 16:19

YABU.
Not everyone has a respectful family/inlaws. Some people can’t control the floodgates with overbearing relatives.
Some women feel self conscious feeding. I personally and a few friends have found the experience overwhelming and feel that sitting with very sore ladybits while over excited relatives played pass the parcel with our newborns, had a negative impact on breastfeeding and the whole experience.

ZoeWashburne · 27/07/2018 16:20

Just because someone does something different to you doesn't make it wrong. Some people want visitors, some don't.

Some people are so exhausted they don't want to deal with other people and are also recovering from surgery.

Some people like company and don't mind if people see their house as a tip etc.

Why does it bother you?

Haworthia · 27/07/2018 16:20

I don’t get it either (my children are 6 and 3).

Although I’ll never forgive FIL for turning up to the hospital earlier than requested and unannounced after DC1 (I’d only just been wheeled back to the postnatal ward after third degree tear surgery, FFS) I’d never deny the grandparents from seeing the baby.

And god knows it was nice to have people in the house to keep us company and make tea, etc in the early days.

PureColdWind · 27/07/2018 16:21

You did what made you feel comfortable and happy - you had visitors. Other people are different to you and different things make them comfortable and happy. With my new baby I didn't want lots of visitors at the start. I was tired, breastfeeding all day, busy with my other children etc. I just wanted some space.

53rdWay · 27/07/2018 16:21

I loved having family and friends round to see the baby. But a friend of mine has a huge and v overwhelming family, and they ended up with a houseful of visitors going in and out for about 2 weeks solid, so can understand in that case why you’d want people to back off a bit and give you peace.

dustarr73 · 27/07/2018 16:23

I think a few days is ok,to get your bearings.But you are in danger of when dp goes back to work nobody coming near you.

Of course its ok to limit the amount of people.But to not let anyone near the newborn is a pfb.

ImAGoofyGoober · 27/07/2018 16:23

Each to their own but I loved having all the family round!

Smellbellina · 27/07/2018 16:26

It’s not a new thing

vcrees6 · 27/07/2018 16:28

Germs for one. Also I was exhausted mentally after a difficult birth and being introverted means expelling energy to be polite and make conversation. Trouble establishing breastfeeding meant I was supposed to do lots of skin to skin ie boobs out whenever the baby seemed hungry so not the most comfortable situation ever. Everyone I know understood this and could empathise. OP does not come across very empathetic and is probably posting g and she is one of those overbearing and unwelcome visitors.

whatshouldIdo999 · 27/07/2018 16:28

I'm on the fence really! On one side I think its lovely to have family and friends who want to come and see you to congratulate you and meet the new baby and they usually mean well.

However sometimes it feels like people think they are entitled to visit the baby and the mothers feelings can be forgotten. My DC was born prem and was in special care, he was reasonably well but needed help feeding and breathing and I found the experience really emotional and other than mine & DP parents I really didn't want visitors in the unit. Some people got quite funny about it and SIL caused a scene saying all she wanted was to meet her nephew and said she was really hurt (he was only in the unit for 2 weeks not like I didn't want her to meet him for months!) and my feelings were completely unimportant to her.

thecatsthecats · 27/07/2018 16:28

YABU, and allertse is spot on.

Do you have no imagination? Or do you just like to criticise everyone who isn't like you, especially when they might have sad or unfortunate reasons for feeling the way they do?

It's like saying so someone whose house has been burgled, "Oh dearie me, you lock your back door and keep tabs on who has a key? I like people to let themselves in whenever because I'm such a fantastic trusting person, and it's so useful to me."

Or, you know, they just might be reflective, introverted people who like a bit of peace and quiet to get to grips with the change. Peace and quiet in the first few days can only be had once. Meeting the baby can happen any time.

cresentmooned · 27/07/2018 16:28

We didn't see anyone for a week. I was shell shocked and just wanted it to be us. I do regret not having some people down to the hospital but that is the benefit of hindsight. I think it is perfectly acceptable for parents and especially the Mother to put herself and the baby first. I was not up up for several people a day visiting at an hour at a time. We had a big family bbq at my inlaws a week later and I found that much easier to handle. Everyone has different reasons and I do think it is understandable if people want space!

user1471426142 · 27/07/2018 16:28

Most people aren’t saying they don’t want visitors ever. Posters are saying they want a couple of days of peace to recover and to get used to the new arrival. For people that want visitors straight away that’s great, others want a bit of time. If people just recognised that others deal with things in different ways and no-one is right or wrong there would be far less agro.

For close friends and family I’ve always said I’d be delighted to meet your new baby, let me know when you’re ready and we will come to you with food. I don’t understand why that is so difficult.

switswoo81 · 27/07/2018 16:28

I can understand those with inappropriate relatives being forced to create boundaries. But We don’t have that type of family we are very lucky.With first baby we had loads of visitors straight away and I loved it. Second baby ended up in icu with heart defects and was there for a while , when we came home no one came for ages as they didn’t want to crowd us as baby had been so sick. It was awful I just wanted everyone to see that she was perfect and felt so lonely. I just wanted to celebrate my baby with family and friends.

vampirethriller · 27/07/2018 16:32

I'm having my first in October and don't have family in this country, which means my mother is planning to come and stay for two weeks. In my house. She will have to share my bed (I'm single)
I am not looking forward to it. I don't want her to, she's overbearing and controlling, and I wish she was only coming round for half an hour at a time!

RatherBeRiding · 27/07/2018 16:32

Turn it around. Why WOULD you want to have to be sociable and have to put up with other people in your space when you're tired, sore and just want some peace and quiet? Not every family is respectful. Plenty of family members will be sensitive enough to just pop in, not get in the way, recognise if you're shattered, offer to make YOU a cup of tea and a sandwich and bugger off again.

Fine.

On the other hand there are plenty of entitled so-and-so's who see it as their god-given right to descend on new parents within hours of returning home with a new-born, sit around all day, expect to be entertained and waited on and offered tea and snacks whilst passing YOUR new baby around, who you just want to yourself for a few days.

If you want visitors, have them. If you don't, then don't. Neither is right or wrong, just personal preference.

Hideandgo · 27/07/2018 16:33

I also have a lovely family on both sides and my MIL even popped over to the hospital the afternoon after baby was born when I was kept in and it was lovely to see her. The day I came home with one as well, all 10 of my inlaws were waiting to shout hurrah when I walked in the door. 😂 The excitement was great. I couldn’t walk or speak while standing with all the pulled muscles in my back and chest from the speed of the labour but I sat down, drank tea and everyone passed the sleeping baby around. It’s a nice memory!

agnurse · 27/07/2018 16:34

I always suggest to new parents that they let people know when they feel ready for visitors.

If Hubby and I are able to have more children, I would like MIL and SFIL to wait 2 to 3 months to come see the new baby. Before you all start in on me, let me explain that we live in Canada while they're in the UK. They'll be staying at a hotel (SFIL prefers that) but I would like baby to have first shots and be settled into a routine. They are healthy, but the germs are different in the UK and an airplane is a glorified cesspit. Also, they will likely want to come for a couple of weeks, which is fine, but I'd rather not have an extended visit when the baby is so new and we are just figuring things out.

Hideandgo · 27/07/2018 16:34

But I do understand an embargo when you have assholes in the family.

BlueBug45 · 27/07/2018 16:36

@vcrees6 you don't know the OP so how can you presume that?