AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

I know someone who desperately wanted her mother at the birth but didn’t do it as she didn’t want her MIL to be resentful. I find that really sad actually. I don’t see why a MIL would expect it to be exactly the same for her as for the mother of the mother - it obviously isn’t, unless someone is especially close to their MIL and doesn’t mind them around during such a physically vulnerable and tiring time.

Theshapeofewe I can compare injuries to the genital area if I wish.
Women deserve privacy and dignity when recovering from a traumatic injury. Same as a man would. How is this not comparable?

I didn’t compare a baby to a penis injury. You did. I compared vaginal/anal sphincter muscle injury to a penis injury. I am talking about the woman who has had a huge trauma to her body here. You seem to think that a woman can be reduced to the vessel who carries a baby, who should put the needs of Over excited inlaws before her own health.
Women shouldn’t have to strike a balance.
Women shouldn’t have to compromise because their inlaws and possibly parents are over excited.
Their health. Their privacy. Their dignity.
Not the mother in laws or anyone else’s.

I hope you have an easy birth, no tears and your mental health after delivery is fine, with no extreme hormones and no trauma.

But do not think that the women who are less lucky than this should have to strike any kind of balance to keep over excited family members happy. It is their health and the health of the newborn only that should count.

A woman has just gone through one of the most traumatic things her body is ever likely to go through, and that’s after carry a baby for 9 months, along with all that comes with it. If she’s wants to prioritise herself for a few days, why the hell shouldn’t she? We’re so conditioned to put everyone before ourselves, women, in most cases, will spend a good chunk of her life looking after and catering to others, can’t she have a few bloody days where she can put herself first?

Surely this just depends on personal preference. Some people want visits some don’t. No drama.

We said we would let people know when we were ready for visits (thoughts probably a week) i struggled with breastfeeding and it turned out really needed to be topless pretty much non stop for the first 4 days. (Very sore nipples) with company I might have given up.

Once we felt a bit less destroyed we asked both our mothers who wanted to come. MIL could make the first date so she was the first then my DM came a few days after.

Everyone understood we needed some private bonding time.

All our visitors were lovely (well except SILs who kept joking about kidnapping my newborn - obviously not meant to cause offence but my hormonal weepy self wanted to punch them.)

It's hardly a trend that some people have total dicks for relatives who expect to be waiting on hand and foot, won't give a baby to its mother to be fed, overstay their welcome, have no boundaries, etc. I mean, really?

YANBU

I completely understand maybe not wanting visitors in the hours after giving birth, but surely later on or the next day in hospital is the perfect time for visitors as they can’t outstay their welcome?

I honestly thought it was the done thing that close family met the baby at hospital, and to be honest I couldn’t think of anything worse than it just being me & DP cooped up together for the first week with no help, care or emotional support!

Because we were traumatised by a very difficult pregnancy and birth.

Because visitors were planned on in the few opportunities I got to sleep.

Because I didn't want to establish breastfeeding with negative relatives hovering and demanding holds of the baby and wanting to give the baby a bottle.

When I had my son nobody banned visitors, they'd have been considered unhinged if they'd suggested it. I can think of nothing worse than being locked away with a new baby and a useless man who was even more clueless about how to look after a baby than me. My visitors saved my sanity.

Village, not everyone has the same "idea of hell" or "perfect times" as you. Is it really so difficult for people to understand that not everyone is the same as them?

I have 2 lovely, respectful friends who are going to become DGs within the next few weeks. Both of them have been told they can’t visit for 2 weeks. They live in different areas of the country and both have been told that this was advice given by midwives. I agree with OP that this is much more prevalent nowadays. Surely if there are boundary problems they should be addressed rather than ban loving grandparents from seeing much wanted and loved DGC?

Well, I’m vaguely amused at the presumptions people have made about me 🙄 I always wait until I’m invited before I go to see friends newborns. That said, I’ve slways been invited to see them on their first day, either at home or in hospital.

To the poster who reckons I think I’m the perfect mum, I really don’t see how you’ve construed that from my post.

Yes, I understand everyone is different, people don’t have helpful families or friends. I also think you do what is best for you.

What I have seen a lot of is people planning in advance that they won’t have anyone around as they’ve been advised that they need a week uninterrupted to bond as a family. It’s this sort of thing more specifically that I don’t understand xx

Those saying they've only seen it on mumsnet and not i real life, I suspect it's because people don't feel able to implement it in real life. Loads of my friends have said things like they felt they couldn't say no, or didn't want to offend. But actually would really have liked some visitor free time.

My mum came to stay for a few days when my husband went back to work. She didn't hold my baby unless I went to the loo, had a bath or asked her to. She cooked dinners for the freezer, helped clean up and went up to bed with a book at 8 pm each night.

My MIL then decided she wanted to come, but said she wanted to sit with the baby all day while I "did my jobs." She decided not to come when I said that wasn't going to happen.

Yeah it does matter. Even if it's only half an hour. Visiting close relative's baby for first time next week, he'll be 3 weeks old. Absolutely no problem with that.

I was the same when I had DD. Only wanted my mum and sister to visit me in hospital. Other family had to wait 2-3 weeks.

It's not your right to go see the baby as soon as you want to.

IMO 100% down to the mother who has potentially been through a horrendous time with the shitstorm that is labour (will not be doing that again...) and still has physical crap to deal with plus now has a newborn to cope with.

The father should simply go along with the mother's wishes after she's done all the hard work if he's a decent bloke.

So YABU yes.

We didn't want visitors for a little while because they all live so far away that popping in for half an hour wasn't a possibility and it would have been 2 days min.

But as it turned out I was feeling so ill afterwards that having people round would have been a nightmare and I was glad of a bit of time to recover

I agree with you OP. I can see there might be a small number of families who have really difficult relatives, but even the people that post on here - so we only see it from their side - don't very often seem to have relatives that are awful.
Each to their own, I suppose, but it seems to me they are missing out on all the love and support they could have.

When I had my first we were in hospital for a week. I'd been in and out with complications and the baby was in special care briefly. I didn't feel anything for her at all. When we came home we told people weren't home till a day or two later. I needed space to get my head around being a mum, having a tough labour and not having any feelings for my baby. I needed space.

We wanted peace and quiet, some family live far away so had to stay over, didn’t want that straight away.

OP, midwives and other HCPs dealing with pregnant women often give that advice to mums to be who have experienced any of the follwing:
Domestic violence
Sexual assault/abuse
Miscarriage
Stillbirth
Previous mental health conditions/problems.

I agree OP. I find it so strange that people think about who they should let see the baby and to give specific time frames.
They think that they are the only ones to have a baby!

When I had my first, I had so many visitors at the hospital with balloons and teddy bears I just felt so lucky that they all wanted to pay myself and the baby a visit.

I also understand that there are difficult family members out there but surely making them keep their distance just makes the situation ten times worse.

Just wait until you have the baby and see how it goes from then.

And in fact I stay away myself when someone has just had a baby. I speak to them and let them know i'll wait till it settles down before visiting. Then I turn up and they can nap or shower etc whilst I literally hold the baby. I try to be useful

Because I have PTSD and I don't like hospitals or people. Because I didn't want people other than my partner and mother seeing me in that situation. Because I didn't want ExMIL there as she was a nasty cow and I didn't fancy having her telling everyone else on the ward what I was doing wrong and what a terrible mother I'd be. Because I'd just had major abdominal surgery. Because he was MY baby and I didn't want to have him taken off me for the first few precious days.

Oh and it's not a new thing. This was 10 years ago.

HTH.

I'm all for the trend of women knowing their own minds and standing up for themselves.

Littleredridinghoodgrewup has summed it up perfectly. The needs of the person having just given birth are being rode roughshod over because new baby trumps grown woman. If you feel able to have visitors straight away, then great. But not everyone does and should not be made to feel guilty because of that.

I'm having my first in October and don't have family in this country, which means my mother is planning to come and stay for two weeks. In my house. She will have to share my bed (I'm single)

That’s insane. Tell her to get an AirBnB! Sharing your bed, wtf?!