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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:

mummabubs · 27/07/2018 16:52

Exactly what littleresridinghoodgrewup said. Within 24 hours of being discharged from hospital we got a call from in-laws to say they were on the M4 already en route to come to us when we hadn't said we were ready to see anyone. We'd had a traumatic birth, feeding issues and I had stitches that were already infected so was in agony. At a time when all I wanted was to process what had happened we had 10 people in our home who stayed until gone 9pm. They showed no respect to me, our newborn or to their son as they put their needs first.

Some people want visitors straight away, others find it overwhelming. Please don't judge people for the individual choice that they make OP.

AlarmClocks · 27/07/2018 16:53

I believe it's the parents job to care for their child.

I care for my child, who has just given birth, whilst my child cares for their child.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/07/2018 16:55

a) what trend? Can say I've noticed a "trend" one way or another
b) lucky old you being the perfect mother. Not all of us can aspire to your level of perfection after every birth.

Most of the questions on here about this are either from first timers who are a bit anxious about how it will be, or people who know they will struggle and have family disinclined to take a hint.

Most people muddle on with a bit of understanding on both sides.

lifechangesforever · 27/07/2018 16:57

Having just had a baby a week and 2 days ago, I can categorically say that if there was a next time, I would enforce some rules.

I came home from hospital 2 days after birth and from then until 4 day later, it was a constant stream of visitors - it exhausted me, way more than the tiny little human did. It wasn't until day 5 when my husband made me go to bed in the afternoon and sleep, I simply didn't have the time until then because there was always someone here.

If you feel up to it and comfortable then that's fine but it's not unreasonable for new parents to put plans in place either.

Pengggwn · 27/07/2018 16:59

I'm quite introverted. I wanted to rest and get to know my baby. I had no desire to entertain anyone. We had a couple of early visitors (GPs) but I would have hated a profession.

We are all different. There is no correct way to do it.

HolyMountain · 27/07/2018 17:02

I liked having visitors and people came to visit as soon as visiting hours allowed, once at home all was well and if anyone who arrived picked up I was irritable they left fairly quickly.

I have a very easy family so there were not any issues to deal with on the whole..

Oysterbabe · 27/07/2018 17:03

It depends a lot on your personal circumstances. None of our family live anywhere near so it's not a case of popping in for half hour but more popping in for about 3 days.

apinkteapromise · 27/07/2018 17:03

That's fine @AlarmClocks... if that's what your child wants!!

Parents don't have a right to override their adult children's wishes.

Darkbendis · 27/07/2018 17:04

Everybody's different and every birth experience is different. After the c-section with my DS I felt as if I had been hit by a truck for the first few days. Add that to problems with bf, "baby blues", DS who wouldn't settle and a few other issues, and I see why I really didn't feel like seeing people much or socializing with anyone. Seeing people felt like a chore. A few years later, after having DD, as soon as I got home (15 hours after birth) I went straight to chatting to friends on FB, I got my fist visitors a couple of hours later (they brought food and DH made tea) and I was fine and dandy.

crimsonlake · 27/07/2018 17:07

Drives me crazy when I hear the words ' we are pregnant ', no , ' you ' are pregnant.

happypoobum · 27/07/2018 17:08

I don't agree that it is a "new trend"

I had my first 21 years ago and didn't want people dropping in all the time on the pretext of seeing my new baby. I don't like people coming round anyway, so why would I want them when I was at my most vulnerable/tired/emotional.

Some people just cannot understand that others are different to them. It's not right or wrong. If you want loads of people dropping in when you have had a baby, knock yourself out, who cares? If you don't then why should you?

I can't say I have ever been so interested in someone else's baby that I felt I had to see it in the first few weeks anyway.

Usually these posts are about toxic grandparents and it is very clear why the OP wants them to stay away until they have settled in and got a bit of confidence. We don't all having wonderful loving parents or ILS.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 27/07/2018 17:10

Both my Mum and my in-laws were in the recovery room after I had a CS. I was so excited to see them as we lived a long distance and they had traveled down. It was my first baby and I was super excited about him and couldn’t wait to show him off.
That’s just me though and I know other people would have found that too much.
Mum stayed with me for a week too which also helped massively.

strawberrry · 27/07/2018 17:11

I didn't want many visitors with my firstborn as he was 8 weeks prem, 6 weeks prem by the time he got home and still a tiny baby (born at 4 lbs, home at 4.5!) however I'm currently expecting in Oct and I'm looking forward to having a more normal homecoming with visitors!

crispysausagerolls · 27/07/2018 17:11

It really depends though, doesn’t it?

We had visitors on the day of DS’ birth and for days on end afterwards. Including in laws and others I am not so close to. It wasn’t really ideal to be feeding in front of them when DS was on and off the nipple the whole time, and I did feel a bit uncomfortable but also didn’t see why I should have to leave the room in my own home to feed my baby.

However, having people who are being pushy about visiting over or people I really dislike? No bloody way! Also I think not everyone really “gets” visiting a newborn. One of my brothers came round and immediately requested a coffee. He was told in no uncertain terms that usually a visitor brings things with them, and no I would not be waddling with my internal stitches to the kitchen to make him anything!

bevelino · 27/07/2018 17:11

On mumsnet it seems that new mothers do not not want their mil to visit the newborn straightaway, but are happy for their own mother to visit, which causes mil resentment. One day the daughter may be a mil herself and she may get a taste of her own medicine.

WittyFuck · 27/07/2018 17:15

Baby nephew this year. DB and SIL absolutely determined they were not having any visitors from our family. Fairly sure her family visited though. We aren’t even sure of the exact birth date it was all kept under such tight wraps! People were asking questions about the birth and baby, not intrusive, just the usual. I had to say I didn’t have a fucking clue!
Very difficult trying to explain why we weren’t dashing home from hols to see new baby! I spent all my time telling my mum that this is what youngsters do these days , it’s all fine. But it wasn’t. I thought it was selfish to keep my mum out of the loop when her precious child was having his precious child. I don’t think it was his decision either!

I have a son and would be devastated to be excluded from seeing my precious grandchild. I would never overstay my welcome though.

Pengggwn · 27/07/2018 17:18

bevelino

Of course women want to see their own mums more than they want to see their MIL. What's wrong with that?

BasicUsername · 27/07/2018 17:19

YABU.

There are lots of reasons that people don't want visitors after giving birth.

I have moved house to quite some distance away from family / friends, around an hour and a half drive, so people were beginning to talk about coming to see us "for a few hours" and one couple mentioned that they could come for "a couple of days"!

So we said no visitors for two weeks. I took the baby to visit them within the first ten days instead, that way we could leave and have peace and quiet when we wanted to.

Sparklingbrook · 27/07/2018 17:20

If I ever become a MIL (I have two DSs) I will go along with whatever Daughter in Law wants. If she wants her Mum there then great. I will wait to be invited to meet my grandchild, there is no rush.
I certainly won't be at the hospital unless asked.

happypoobum · 27/07/2018 17:23

I have a DD and a DS and would totally understand if either of them said they didn't want visitors soon after the birth.

If DS and his DP have a baby, I will expect her own DM to be more involved than me, and I won't be crying over it. The child will hopefully be around for many years and there's no rush. I think a lot of it becomes competitive grandparenting

apinkteapromise · 27/07/2018 17:23

@bevelino I didn't actually I was in such a bad way I didn't want to see either!

But I think ordinarily surely it's normal for most people to want their Mum in that situation before their MIL.

RainSim · 27/07/2018 17:25

If i become a mother in law I will offer to prepare lots of food for mum & baby before hand that they can keep in freezer and use during those initial few weeks. I will also wait to be invited and will make sure they don't feel pressured to invite over in the first few days. The mothers well being takes priority over everything

OrgyOfBarminess · 27/07/2018 17:25

My reasons for telling folk to wait this time;

I almost fainted from exhaustion because I tried to please others.

I want my DS to meet her first.

Don't particularly mind my PILS visiting afterwards at home and my Sister.

I'm NC with Mum and have been for 10 years but my sister will tell her.

Then friends can come later by prearrangement.

LlamaPyjamas · 27/07/2018 17:26

I had EMCS and couldn’t be bothered making cups of tea and small talk. I needed to breastfeed regularly and I was very tired. Visitors were welcome if they made their own tea, helped out, and didn’t mind me whipping my boobs out or falling asleep. Anyone who wanted to be treated as a “guest” wasn’t welcome.

Sparklingbrook · 27/07/2018 17:26

YY it's totally normal for a woman to want her own DM after the birth than somebody else's if that's possible.

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