AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

I think when women started to think they were the first person to ever have a baby and the were the most important being in the world?

Most women aren't kissthealderman. Some, like the OP, simply don't know and want to understand what's happening in such cases. Others are a willfully ignorant, hate women or, saddest of all, need to judge women who prioritise their own health and the needs of their baby over visiting arseholesome. Judging new mothers makes them feel better about themselves. How pathetic is that?

manaftermidnight since when has "I feel too shit for visitors and want to stay in bed, not shower because it hurts and not have to make polite conversation" been bring an asshole? Would I be expected to host visitors if I'd had an ovarian cyst removed, or just had labiaplasty or a colonoscopy? No, I wouldn't. So why should I be expected to just because what I've been in hospital for was a baby? Am I less broken, less in pain, less bleeding than with the other things? NO. so why should I be given less consideration?

If you feel well enough for visitors then great, but if you don't they shouldn't be forced on you. Just like at any other time ever!

I certainly wouldn’t be interested in visiting someone’s newborn and I wouldn’t expect them to have an interest in visiting mine.

Why would someone go out of their way to see a potato in a blanket that looks like every other potato in a blanket and make small talk with a new mum who just wants to go to sleep and not stand up and have to greet people in case her arse falls out? (Might be just me on that last bit).

t since when has "I feel too shit for visitors and want to stay in bed, not shower because it hurts and not have to make polite conversation" been bring an asshole?

Its the "I had a baby and I can do whatever I want no matter how much it may upset anyone else, they can all fuck off" that makes them an asshole.

All this "what's wrong with making granny wait two weeks, its tough shit"...it's insanity. Why would you hurt people who love you like that? My MIL would have been distraught if I had told her she couldn't meet her grandkids because I'm the only important person....why would anyone be such a bastard?

They're not being bastards. RTFT if you want to know the many and varied good reasons why post partum mothers may need privacy and peace manaftermidnight.

With dd1 we had endless visitors , in laws round the whole second day, colleagues coming round twice uninvited etc etc so much so rhT my midwife told me to cancel that days visitors on about day five as we were overdoing it
Second baby we were really strict with visitors and it was just so much better I stayed in my pjs for a week didn't worry about housework and just focused on my 'nest'
I think it was easier in the days when you stayed in hospital for a few days so had all your visitors in a neutral territory
I think a lot of people aren't great with boundaries of a new family

RTFT yourself if you want to see people being bastards.

I've read the thread, and contributed. I haven't seen any bastards who want to use their new babies to hurt others. Perhaps you could quote those posts as I seem to have missed them manaftermidnight.

I always remember years ago, my lovely mum used to come round every day to help with my new baby. If i was having a little catch up sleep in the afternoon she'd answer the door to any callers with "she's having a sleep" and send them on their way. Bit rude of her but she had my interests at heart, bless her.

Perhaps you can't see through the haze of "my baby my rules" nonsense. Shame.

How about EACH WOMEN WHO HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH SHOULD DO EXACTLY AND ONLY WHAT THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. FUCK THE "NORM" OR DOING THINGS "THE RIGHT WAY". THERE IS NO SODDING RULE BOOK

So you want your MIL to wait a month (as someone else said was fine)...being a bastard. Not ok. Etc Etc etc,

you don't get to control everything. Your kid has another parent and other family.

manaftermidnight you sound like the type of visitor people decide to implement a "no visitors" blanket rule for.

Oh, and women have the right to put themselves first. But of course, people don't tend to like that. Too bad.

I didn't mind having visitors straight away as long as they were invited or called first. It's people who just turn up that pissed me off, but I generally hate surprise visitors anyway.

Hypomeaning are you so angry at post partum women only doing what they are comfortable with manaftermidnight? Do you believe that women in severe physical and mental discomfort should put their and their baby's needs aside in order to entertain people?

That should read why, not Hypomeaning.

@FatTory
I really didn’t expect this to bring out so many emotional responses.

Right, so you start a thread massively judging women who handle their newborn days differently to you and you're shocked it would bring out emotional responses?

Honestly, vag fresh babies, they smell of your insides! That "lovely newborn smell" is the smell of my insides! Took me having my own DC to realise why I'd never liked it!

Thing is manaftermidnight you can't possibly know if someone is making granny wait to be mean (unlikely) or because they genuinely feel free crap. I looked great on arriving home, but felt horrific, totally shell shocked and unwell. I hurt, I couldn't hold my urine or faeces in and I just wanted to curl up and die. But you couldn't 'see' it. And I didn't want to say to people "please don't visit, I don't want to shit myself in front of you" (because who would actually want to say that out loud to someone?) So instead I'm branded an 'asshole'. Thanks.

I don't think this is a new trend at all i just think women feel more confident to speak up for what they want these days.

I stated to my dh I want a few days just him, dss myself and the baby, this was when we first started trying for a baby 6 years ago, and I still stand by that especially since I now have to find a surrogate to carry our baby for me, I won't get the months of feeling baby kick and move, giving birth, i will be unable to produce milk to feed our baby, so it will be harder for me to make that initial bond with the baby. the surrogate can even decline me being in the room while she gives birth to my baby. as excited as the whole family will be when we have found a surrogate and she is having a successful pregnancy and birth they will be dying to meet the baby, but they will have to wait. much to protest, of thats not fair etc etc, tough.

if family members, can't understand or respect a new mother and fathers (especially first timers) wishes it is on them not the new parents,

It's bizarre that people describe it as a recent 'trend'. The 40-day babymoon during which the mother is pampered and waited on hand and foot by their support 'village' is very much an established tradition in many cultures around the world. It is only in the Western world that women are expected to entertain guests often only a few minutes after they've been through what was probably the most painful and traumatic experience in their lives. No one would raise an eyebrow if you didn't fancy guests straight after major surgery, yet somehow this is socially accepted post birth. Such societal expectations definitely have an impact on the shocking UK breastfeeding rates.

With DD, we had our parents and SIL around the whole time and within a few days visits from DP's wider family. They are lovely people and I really wanted them to visit on one hand. On the other, I'm not the kind of person that's happy to have people around when the house is a tip, so found myself asking DP to mop the floors and worrying if we had enough tea biscuits. Even with my closest friends who visited, I didn't feel comfortable having them making tea or putting a load of laundry on. I promised myself I won't put myself in that situation again shortly after giving birth.

We're expecting DC2 in January and I plan to tandem breastfeed. I'm very confident breastfeeding in public now but I don't think I'll be that comfortable having tea with DP's family and both boobs out, while trying to calm a little baby and a toddler. My plan is to have DM around so that she does all the cooking, DP doing all the household chores and looking after DD, and me snuggling half naked with DC2 in bed or our sofa bingewatching Netflix and enjoying snacks that are brought to me. Close family can have short 'meet and greet' visits and I'll probably try to see some of my closest friends at some point (two of which are also due around the same time as me). But other than that, it will just be me and baby and I couldn't care less if people don't like my decision.

I find it odd, but then I live in a country where it is normal for relatives to look after the mother and the house after the birth, not turn up and expect to be waited on with cups of tea. I can understand people kicking that kind of selfish "visitor" out.

YABVU in my opinion. You are entitled to choose who and when you want visitors after such a major body event. I want to just spend it as our small, new family when I give birth in 8 weeks time. I'm not going to be made to feel bad about my decision by someone like you.