AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

It's personal choice and might be necessary for a quiet life for certain new families at a stressful time.

Very occasionally I think it might be done to create a drama from nothing and is coming from a place of ego and control: MY baby, We are special, you can come when I say so and not before.

I had massive support from both sets of parents when I had my dd and as she was premature my parents and husband saw my baby a whole day before I did. I was fine with that.

I was in hospital for a month, my dd for several months and I was really happy for all the visitors I got, even if some of them just came to check out what a very premature baby looked like.

@Sparklingbrook

You may feel differently when the time comes. However, I think if the father of the baby has a good relationship with his parents then he will also want them to see the baby. Yes he wasn't the one who gave birth, but as the father his wishes should be respected too. I don't see anything wrong with limiting the time and number of visitors but I think a blanket ban is harsh.

I think you are. Even with very close friends we would wait a few weeks. No reason people can't help out without seeing the baby. It's not some sort of reward. We drop off food etc, run errands and offer support at arms length. Obviously unusual not to allow grandparents to visit in the first week, but it's not a right they have. I wanted mm you mum there straight away, and was ok with the in-laws but they are lovely. If they were overbearing it would have been a different story.

I was easy going with visitors coming by. If I got too tired I would thank them for coming and say I was going up to bed. DH would make the tea and coffee and chat to them.

On the flip side I have always said to the new mum that I will pop round when it's convenient which has always been met with " come over as soon as you like " I am also mindful of not staying more than 30 mins though as I remember how tired you get.

I agree op. I think it's a bit unfriendly. I'm always v happy to have visitors to show off my new baby!

Pengggwyn there is nothing wrong with a new mother preferring visits from her own mother over her mil. However if the mother is part of a couple the newborn is likely to be as equally important to the dp and therefore why should his parents be excluded from an early visit, which can lead to long term mil resentment. Seriously what harm can a visit from mil do.

I have 4 dds and if I am fortunate to become a gp one day I would not want any of my girls to have the mil issues that you read about on mumsnet.

Wittyfuck, your dms precious child was not having a child at all.
Could he claim to have gone through hours of labour, pushed out a baby or had major surgery, possibly have quite serious injuries? After nine months of pregnancy and all of the Changes that brings?
Nope. Didn’t think so.

Your dbs partner did though and if she wanted a hug from her mum who was there for her, not just to see the baby, who could blame her.

Not everyone is happy having there inlaws seeing them in such a state.

If your db ever has major surgery or a trauma injury to his penis, I wonder how he’d feel about his partners parents and siblings all piling in?

Possibly, but I don't think I will Storm4star.

I will play it by ear and see what the DSs want. I will wait to be asked because I think that's the right thing to do.

It’s really up to the person pushing the baby out of their vagina (or getting it cut out of them) to decide whether they want visitors. Not your business at all. yabvvvvu

There is nothing new here. No so long ago there wasnt this family given right to turn up when they like, take photos etc. It depends very much on the relationship, how comfortable you are with them, how rough you feel, Grandparents used to wait to be asked, now some just pole in, or assume they can turn up at the hospital. When you know many mums are dischrged 24-48 hrs it isnt a lot to ask to wait a day or two. Learning how to breast feed is number one priority, personal and private. Dads can get very pushed out quite easily , Just a bit of space. I have seen new Mums overwhelmed by visitors

The hospital where I work (not in the UK - I am a midwife) does not allow visitors other than partners (or a different support person if there isn't a partner). I thought this was awful when I first started but actually it is really good. Women get peace and space and chance to get used to their baby without managing visitors, the Ward is much calmer, it is so much easier to support breastfeeding or keep an eye on how the baby is managing the bottle. I am a complete can convert. No one's feelings are hurt because it is a hospital policy, not the new parents saying "x can visit but y can't". I think it makes for a very healing calm, peaceful atmosphere so women can get used to being Mum's and babies can get used to being born.

I loved having visitors but I do think having so many people in and out all the time for hours at a time was part of the reason I couldn't get breastfed established.

I didn’t want visitors in the first week. I wouldn’t have minded my mum around but that wouldn’t have been fair on the inlaws so had no one round for the first week. They all live far away so stay for days at a time. I didn’t want visitors in my house constantly in the first few days as I needed time to recover from a pretty horrible birth and bond with my baby. Everyone understood, no big deal. I don’t actually get why people would insist on seeing a newborn right away. It’s not like they change very much in the first week and I don’t see what difference it makes waiting an extra week to see them, especially if that is what the parents prefer. Personally in the first few days I was in too much pain to sit up properly in a chair, bleeding, stitches, milk coming in, big emotional mess. I’m very glad I had no visitors I was in no fit state for them.

I can see both sides. Especially if you have twats in the family.

It wasn't for me, I nearly died giving birth after losing 6.5 pints of blood on the Friday night. I still had people visiting on the Saturday lunchtime even though I was in HDU as I was so proud of my baby girl.

I think the problem is you’re out of hospital very quickly these days or if not it can be very exhausting place to be - when MIL and Mum were in baby was taken away so they could sleep and there were very restricted visiting hours rather than all day vsistors with their noise.

So by time they were out of hospital - they were over the worse and bf wasn't happening as nurses had ff babies.

It wasn’t half an hour for us - partly because like many we don't live particualry near to family – it was all day with expectations of waiting on them and me being up for house work and cooking them meals – and why did I need to nap. They didn’t like bf, they didn’t like how often baby slept - it was stressful all round.

I’ve heard similar from friends. I bounced back quicker with second and third babies so visits were such a problem.

If your db ever has major surgery or a trauma injury to his penis, I wonder how he’d feel about his partners parents and siblings all piling in?

Please clarify exactly how a recovering penis injury is comparable to a baby?

bevelino my MiL was the first relative to meet DS, the day he was born. My parents were abroad (DSis was running a marathon so they'd gone to support her, DS was 2 weeks late so we'd all assumed he'd be here before they left!) so couldn't come until day 4. MiL was pleasantly surprised that we were happy for visitors but we were happy to have her in hospital for an hour that evening.

I enjoyed having visitors while in hospital and at home for the first couple of days but they were all nice friends/family who respected us and our needs. I must admit that after my own parents visited I ended the day in tears of exhaustion and frustration (DS was cluster-feeding and I couldn't sit down to dinner) and felt like I couldn't face any more. Thankfully the visitors who were planned for the next day called to cancel and I have never felt so relieved!

so visits weren't such a problem.

Receiving guests while half naked and tearful isn't my idea of fun. Mum and baby are a unit for the first few months and new mind should be treated with dignity.

Theshapeofewe most women sustain injuries to their vagina if they deliver this way. 80% will tear. Some very seriously involving their anal sphincter muscles.

So the point is if a man was unfortunate enough to sustain a trauma injury to his penis, and maybe his anis too, would his inlaws expect to attend the hospital. Or would a man be granted the dignity and privacy to recover peacefully.
Would anyone judge him if he said I want my mum to pop in and see me, no one else.

I doubt it.

Grandparents are of no benefit to a new baby, unless they help mum feel comfortable and rested, then this would benefit the newborn.
If it will stress her out more they should be kept away.

It’s not about people seeing the new baby. It’s about health of baby and health of mum.

If I could guarantee it'd be half an hour, then no, I wouldn't mind. But we had "friends" and family who stayed hours and hours, didn't lift a finger and expected to be waited on. I was pissing myself every time I stood up and they kept pestering me when I was trying breastfeed. I just wanted them to go the fuck away. When I asked them to leave, it was always "just one more cuddle" or yeah no problem, just let me tell you about this...

YABVU OP. Firstly, it isn't a "new trend" and secondly there are many very good reasons that a woman about to become a mother, may want sometime without visitors just after she has given birth.

It's not complicated is it - it's because not everyone is the same and has different family and friends??

I don't need a week to bond but I didn't appreciate PIL turning up 15 minutes after we got home and then hinting at dinner. If they'd stayed for half an hour it would have been fine but they stayed for 2 hours.

Sil turned up uninvited with her children and family friends I had never met. They stayed for four hours and Sil refused to hand dd back to me when she was crying and needed to be fed. Got a cob on because I preferred to feed dd in my bedroom.

Most visitors were polite and stayed briefly, but no one was helpful. I certainly didn't get a chance to shower/sleep/eat dinner etc.

I'm expecting my second now. In my case the issue is going to be that as the baby is due over Xmas I'm going to be expected to visit people rather than they visit me. I would actually prefer people come to me than spend all day sitting around someone else's home, but, I don't want visitors all day every day and I certainly don't want to host (which for some bizarre reason mine and DP's family expect mothers who have just given birth to do) .

I agree with you op. Yes some relatives are arseholes and obviously no one is going to let abusive people near their baby but, your baby is not just your baby, they are a grandchild, a nephew/neice, a cousin, etc and imo the sooner their extended family meet and bond with the baby the better it is in the long run. It takes a village and all that. But ultimately people will do whatever they want.

We had limited contact with people for the first two weeks.

The two days post birth that I was in hospital both sets of parents and my siblings visited.

When DS was a little under a week old the in laws visited for a few hours - 7 people. It was a bit overwhelming for me and DS. My sister visited once my husband went back to work for a few days.

This was partly because DH was paranoid about germs, partly because I was uncomfortable and didn't feel up to much beyond sitting on the sofa and breastfeeding and finally just that it was our time to adjust and bond, to being a family of 3 before DH had to go back to work. It felt unfair to share when his time was so limited.

My BIL has done the exact opposite of us since having a baby recently. I find it baffling because I know how uncomfortable I was, but everyone does things differently.