AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

There wasn't anybody in to see me only mil x

I don't really understand why my post was deleted, @village called me a c word and then said she wanted to harm me. Do you think that deserves a polite response?

Mine was deleted too. I simply pointed out how unhinged it was to drop the c bomb & threaten to physically harm someone, but whatever. Moving on!

Because we was exhausted yet still expected to make endless cups of tea and clean up before they came

With my first there was literally no one who came (moved to a new area alone and knew no one and old friends didn’t bother, even my siblings didn’t come up till the baby was a few months old) I saw all the posts about others being overwhelmed with visitors and cried my eyes out, no one was fawning over my baby, it was just us (and I’d had a ecs to so a little help would have been really appreciated) but now I look back and realize it was genuinely lovely, we were in a complete bubble with no concept of time or anything, my house was a bomb site and I didn’t care, had I expected visitors I’d have felt obligated to tidy up, and put my boobs away (most of the time I was topless coz cluster feeding was never ending!) and I had no “helpful advice” or anything, in fact by the time I started baby groups and meeting mums I realized I was the least sleep deprived or stressed, not because I had a perfect sleeping baby, I really didn’t abs she had health issues to, but because I followed the baby’s routine and had zero interference, with no thought to anyone else. I’m pregnant again and although I now have friends here I’m going to ask for people to stay away, as it really was the best bonding experience and my baby and I were totally in tune with each other.

I think only very close family and friends would go out of their way to visit in hospital. Siblings, parents. Bff's. Those are the people that make up your world so why not have them during such a special and amazing life event.
Everyone else, cousins, uncles and aunts, friends, colleagues, would check with you to see when is convenient once you have gone home and settled in. (Or at least they should).

Depends on what your visitors are like. Those that come to be helpful - compared to those who turn up, expect to be waited on, make a mess and outstay their welcome, stopping you from resting.

Thanks for speaking up anyway @likeacrow!

@VillageFete i get it. The OP was about no visits being 'the norm', assuming NO health issues and NO bad relationships. I don't think that youre suggesting people should be having visitors in any and all circumstances.

And the bit that you are missing is that in pretty much all the cases on here and in RL I've seen, a poor relationship has been at the back of it. Grandparents, who on the surface may appear lovely, causing an issue whether they are the maternal or paternal grandparents. And in these cases the DH often ends up not being the gatekeeper he should be.

The vast majority of new mums are indeed happy, after an uncomplicated birth, and with nice, non-toxic grandparents, to allow those visits, and do want those visits.

But you are missing one very, very important point here.

Most people who are happy with the visits, have nice grandparents, don't give it another thought. Those new parents, new mums in particular, who have some reason to worry that their first few days will not go as nice and smoothly as they hope, are the ones who are overwhelmingly writing on this site that they need a few days or a week, to recuperate without visitors. Thus you get a disproportionate view.

But still, a new mum should be respected. If she doesn't want visitors, don't start calling her awkward, simply because you made different choices.

After about a month, nobody really cares anymore anyway, babies they just get absorbed into family life. This is why this trend, with first time mothers, tickles me.

They will always be your precious, but do you feel other babies you meet are precious, after the glorious newborn couple of weeks? No! They're lovely, of course, but it is special having them meet the family.

Meeting newborns for the first time, is really, really magical. Not so much a 6 week old and above, folks move on with their lives.

Thank you for all your responses, I really didn’t expect this to bring out so many emotional responses.

I guess I was lucky to have family that didn’t overstay their welcome, looked after me and didn’t care about the state of me or the baby. I do have much more of an understanding now, I assumed most family and friends were like mine whereas this actually appears to have been the minority. Thanks again xx

do you feel other babies you meet are precious, after the glorious newborn couple of weeks?

Yes! And my friends and family still come to visit and fuss over my 16 month old. Some people prefer toddlers to newborns as they feel nervous around newborns (mostly men in my personal experience). So I totally disagree with you.

do you feel other babies you meet are precious, after the glorious newborn couple of weeks?
Yes! Both precious and glorious. DN was nearly 3mo when I first met her and I remember how overwhelming my feelings towards her were. She is now 16 and we are incredibly close. I didn't have to see her newly born in order to have a great relationship with her, it was something that was built over her lifetime.

Brain I was able to go with baby own routines second time round.. Not sit handing stuff to Mil to chuck out 👿👿

My MIL came to see my in labour
She was a nurse at the hospital and managed to talk her way in. I do adore my MIL but that was the only time I've ever had a cross word with her (told her to fuck off and she did!). She was our first visitor with both DC1 and DC2 due to working at the hospital. She popped in for a cuddle before shift with DC1 and in her first break with DC2. As I say she is pretty amazing generally so I didn't mind!!

Was in 36h with my first so I had MIL / FIL and BIL / mum, dad and sister / brother and another BIL visit whilst still in hospital all were very respectful and stayed just minutes. We were inundated when we got home as well but again people just nipped in and then left. I didn't have to do much as make a cuppa for any visitors.

Was only in for 6h with DC2 so had all the visitors at home.

DC3 went to neonatal after birth so only my dad and my MIL met baby in her early days (FIL was ill and mum has MH issues so couldn't get to the hospital). Even my my older kids couldn't come and see baby [it was winter and they had infection control in place]. How I longed for the normality of visitors

I don't see what the rush is frankly and if the new mum and dad don't want visitors immediately then you respect that, surely?

If the new parents want visitors then great, if you want to go, go.

The baby's not going anywhere, is it? It's not like it will even notice whether you're there or not.

I don't see what the rush is either! Give the mother space to heal.

It's precious beyond belief to make grandparents wait a week or more, people need to get a grip.

No. What IS precious beyond belief is the attitude (which you obviously share) that grandparents have some god-given right to descend whenever they choose and that it is somehow a slap in the face to be asked to wait a few days.

You will be a grand-parent for the rest of your life. Just have some manners and let the new parents have a bit of breathing space if that is what they want.

Strangely enough, a new baby isn't about the grand-parents.

I think it depends a bit on your family and friends. It is great that your family and friends were so helpful, but my mum arrived at our house as we arrived home from the hospital. She held the baby while I made her and my brother cups of coffee, then she suggested I order take-away for us all. DH wasn’t around as he had gone to find his parents who had pulled into to a lay-by, realising that they didn’t know the rest of the way to our house and that they had left the map at home. Both sets of parents then stayed for three or four hours, sharing the take-away we had bought and accepting multiple cups of coffee etc. They all repeated this the following day, with DHs sister and BIL added in. After they left, we didn’t see any of them for at least six weeks.

PIL booked to be down for DS2s birth too, but he was nearly two weeks late so they had gone home before he arrived. I still think labour was delayed by the mere thought of a repeat performance.

Think you are lacking empathy and not reading the story properly.
Those that have lovely family who come and actually help rather than grabbing at the baby every second and not out staying their welcome, won't be the ones posting.
My Mil was very welcome. She would come without judgement, help out practically, hold the baby when it was crying, let me get some sleep etc.
My own family however, with a history of abuse, would not lift a finger and just wanted to show me how good they were at holding a baby.

I had visitors early with DD and it's actually the main contributing factor of my post natal depression.

I had people barging into my home, snatching my baby off of me and leaving me in the corner as if my job was over.

Now we're expecting DC2, we won't be having visitors as I refuse to go through that again.

When I had mine I just wanted to be left alone. I understand people want to visit but all of my visitors wanted to be weighted on and would just sit there and just want to hold the baby whilst talking to me etc. I was too tired and had had a forceps delivery. So we limited it. My one friend begged to pop in for 15 minutes. We allowed her as it meant she could come without her children who were a bit boisterous and she stayed for an hour and half. My husband was going mad! I felt exhausted after she'd been. Didn't have the heart to ask her to leave. So no I don't think it is unreasonable