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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
WhipItGood · 27/07/2018 16:36

Obviously we’d all like lovely sensitive supportive visitors. But many of us don’t get that kind.

So it depends on how up to it you’re feeling post birth and your relationship to the visitor(s) in question. Especially as everything is very heightened at that time.

Just how helpful are they prepared to be? I seem to recall shuffling about making tea for them all rather a lot whilst they bombarded me with a load of conflicting ‘advice’ about what they did in 1965, because I was having such big problems BF (which they all thought was a waste of time).

I thought my head was going to explode. It’s not always as supportive loving as you might think.

Sparklingbrook · 27/07/2018 16:37

I always wait to be invited. It doesn't have to be immediately.

We told people we would let them know when we were ready for visitors. I was very tired and uncomfortable and trying to get to grips with breastfeeding.

I could not have coped with a house full of anyone straight away.

Storm4star · 27/07/2018 16:37

@agnurse

I understand your reasons but at 2 to 3 months it's not a "new baby" any more, They grow and develop a lot in that time. If I was the grandparent I'd be upset by that.

TheShapeOfEwe · 27/07/2018 16:37

I think it's very bizarre and likely to lead to huge upset and strife for those who do it - but I also think some people clearly do have good reasons for wanting to control their interactions with toxic family members, and I can't say I blame them.

The thing I find weirdest is the people who insist on saying 'we just want time to get used to being our little family'. Apart from being nauseatingly twee I think it's laughable that anyone thinks they can get used to having a new baby in the first few days - and actually, having some of your other family there to assist you might make it a lot easier to get used to! But horses for courses - if they're prepared to accept the consequences people can make the rules that they like.

BiglyBadgers · 27/07/2018 16:38

I didn't want people round much when I had dd. I wanted to sit in my pants with my tits out watching trashy boxsets and eating cake. This is what I needed and what got me through. Having lots of people around, however helpful they might have been was my idea of hell.

Other people might have less then helpful family and so would rather they didn't come round and cause them more stress at an otherwise difficult time. Not everyone has a delightful, perfect life full of selfless people just dying to help them out. Sometimes they need to do what they must to survive and if that means saying no to visitors than they should be supported in that.

You like having people about and have helpful family then hurrah for you. I won't tell you how much you should take time for yourself and just be with your baby (and lots of cake), because it is your choice and you should do whatever works for you. Please consider that not everyone is you and that doesn't make them wrong.

vcrees6 · 27/07/2018 16:38

Bluebug, try reading- I used qualifiers like ‘probably’ and ‘come across as’ using the facts available to me (ie the viewpoint she has put across in a forum)

Amanduh · 27/07/2018 16:39

Yanbu. Fair enough if people don’t, but I keep reading books/watching tv/listening to podcasts where people such as mother of daughters tell you to have no visitors for a week and hole up in your house. I couldn’t wait to have visitors! Why not just say play it by ear? Weird.

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/07/2018 16:39

I'll never forget seeing the lady opposite me, exhausted being wheeled in, having her tubes rearranged and catheter sorted, having her family descend on her, taking the baby and ignoring her as they loudly started talking about how it looks like like his dad. She was in tears, the baby was screaming and it wasn't till a midwife came in 10 minutes later mother and baby were reunited. Midwife staff ended up asking her if she wanted them to go and she said yes. At that point the family started yelling abuse, saying it wasn't fair and she was the reason no one likes her.
She cried a lot that night.
Not all families are kind and supportive. Not all go to help the mother and baby. Not all are aware that their behaviour is destructive.

Sparklingbrook · 27/07/2018 16:41

Apart from being nauseatingly twee I think it's laughable that anyone thinks they can get used to having a new baby in the first few days

Maybe not but you can try and establish breastfeeding uninterrupted by visitors and get some much needed rest.

jellomello · 27/07/2018 16:41

Because my tits and vagina felt like they were on fire, I was exhausted, sweating and the only comfortable position was with led on a towel with my legs open and no pants on.

Not my usual way to greet visitors if I'm honest.

21stCenturyMrsBennett · 27/07/2018 16:42

It's not a real life thing, its just an MN thing.

Mousefunky · 27/07/2018 16:42

I think it should be up to the woman since she’s the one in the vulnerable position post birth, not the man. People seem to forget the woman and it all becomes about the ‘cute little baby’, forgetting she has just gone through the most painful and possibly traumatic thing she’ll ever feel. I didn’t want to be bombarded with people, I never do tbf.

Storm4star · 27/07/2018 16:42

I also think there's a big difference between a "house full" and GPs visiting. I have adult children and if/when one of them has a child I would be beyond excited to see it. Doesn't need to be for long. 5 minutes if that's all they feel up to. But to be effectively "barred" for a week seems a bit much.

AlarmClocks · 27/07/2018 16:43

Some people have lovely family and friends that arrive for half an hour, bring a dish and are a pleasure.

Some people have family that arrive at 10pm unannounced for a three hour visit, bring clothes they want to see the baby wear, expect to take over the baby they will never take further interest in, except be waited upon and leave at 1am.

HTH

Excited0803 · 27/07/2018 16:43

It's difficult to establish breastfeeding with a baby being passed about; you can't see the feeding cues and the baby will get confused by all the non-mummy smells and noise. It's also hard as a first time mum to be trying breastfeeding in the first day or two with a mob of family knocking around, I asked them all to leave twice for feeding. So, I think it's possible that the increase in attempted breastfeeding rates might have an impact on new mums needing a little more quiet time with the baby. We had both families visit briefly at the hospital, but I was grateful for the peace once we got home. Actually it might have been nice if someone had offered to help us at home (bringing one meal or whatever) as I was post caesarean, but bonding as a 3 has its advantages too and the heavy reliance on my partner in the initial days made him a capable dad very quickly.

StylishMummy · 27/07/2018 16:45

Because I had 2 severely premature babies, who'd both spent >2 months in hospital, their home comings were OUR TIME. Grandparents got there turn a week later, it didn't kill them to wait.

sexnotgender · 27/07/2018 16:45

You’re neither being reasonable not unreasonable. It’s totally dependent on circumstances.

I’ve said I don’t want in laws until at least 2 weeks after the birth as apparently 3 weeks is the minimum they can possibly stay. I want time to semi recover and establish breastfeeding.
If they lived closer and didn’t have to stay in our house for weeks on end I’d happily have them visit the day I have the baby for an hour or so.

Timalitt · 27/07/2018 16:46

I didn't want anyone around. I was in no fit state after a 3 day labour with all sorts of interventions. I said No. Bollocks to what anyone else thinks

m0therofdragons · 27/07/2018 16:47

As someone who has challenging inlaws I'm glad I didn't ban anyone for a week. The bond between a gp and dc is really special and under rated. They come, visit for a short time then disappear happy and you can get on with life without all the drama. I'm sure some go out of their way to argue with in laws. Mine can be bonkers but I get past that for dc and dh.

m0therofdragons · 27/07/2018 16:50

Because I had 2 severely premature babies, who'd both spent >2 months in hospital, their home comings were OUR TIME. Grandparents got there turn a week later, it didn't kill them to wait.

I guess we're all different as bringing my two prem babies home I was happy to be surrounded by people having been isolated and lonely in special care. I also was extremely grateful for the care they'd given dd1 who was 3 and upset mummy wasn't home. They didn't come day one but arrived during the week.

thecatsthecats · 27/07/2018 16:50

Oh, and bonus unreasonable points for describing other people's behaviour as a 'trend'.

Even if it happened for all time that new families were descended upon by all and sundry, and now people can ask for boundaries to be respected, it doesn't mean that everyone was happy with it.

apinkteapromise · 27/07/2018 16:50

People are different...Shock.

I find posts like his really shitty to be honest. Do you want a medal because you felt like showing your baby off? Do you think you're a better Mum because of it? I honestly don't understand the point of your thread.

Some people have awful births and need a few days to come to terms with it. Which they are perfectly entitled to!

Surely we should all just be supporting each other?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 27/07/2018 16:50

I've only seen it on MN never in real life.

They are usually the same people whose wedding took a gazzilion years to plan and who complain that relatives aren't offering enough gists, babysitting nights etc from what I've seen.

dingdongadingding · 27/07/2018 16:51

I really think the midwives perpetuate this.

I have an 8 week old DS2 and was told by at least two midwives in hospital to not let anyone else feed the baby (I’m ff him) and to try to keep it to just to me and my DH holding him!! Seriously F off was my response. My DM, DF and DMIL were amazing when DS1 was born.

People were welcome to pop in and see the baby and cheer me up through the pain of my section wound healing.

They knew where the kettle was and they had a cuddle then went up the road. No biggie.

Not seeing people would’ve really left me feeling a bit low.

RainSim · 27/07/2018 16:51

It really depends on the type of baby you had and the type of husband you have.

If you have a baby who is easy going and a husband who will do all the hosting (pre and post) then you don't have to worry. I had a baby who stayed up all night, had infections and serious feeding issues, & a husband who was very charming when guests came but was completely pita when it came to cleaning and tidying up before and after their visit.

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