Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 27/07/2018 17:50

It is definitely a new trend where I am from, traditionally a new baby is bombarded with visitors bearing gifts and best wishes.

user1499173618 · 27/07/2018 17:50

I was happy to have my parents around but also quite glad to have a couple of weeks to chill, breastfeed, drink cups of tea etc

BlueBug45 · 27/07/2018 17:50

@bigKiteFlying maternity hospitals now do limit the times and number of visitors that can come excluding your birthing partner(s). However as some people are discharged after 6 hours it doesn't make much difference.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/07/2018 17:51

I seriously doubt it's a 'trend.' I suspect it's what it always has been; people living different lives and having different ways of doing things.

In many cases, people don't haven't friends and family close by and have long moved away from their 'home towns' or whatever, so that's definitely a factor.

Pengggwn · 27/07/2018 17:52

Please clarify exactly how a recovering penis injury is comparable to a baby?

Well, it's not comparable to a baby, it's comparable to a vaginal tear and the muscle exhaustion in the aftermath of giving birth.

bigKiteFlying · 27/07/2018 17:53

My second and third were HB - so I could sleep in my own bed use my own clean loo - didn't have the stress and noise and chaos of postnatal ward I did with my first.

Perhaps that the answer OP - poorly funded postnatal wards meaning wemen leave exhuasted and not in fit state to cope with vistors right away.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2018 17:56

Perhaps the "trend" is for more women clearly stating that they intend to prioritise themselves and their mental health immediately post partum, instead of doing what everyone else wants them to.

TheShapeOfEwe · 27/07/2018 17:56

Littleredridinghoodgrewup but a traumatic penis injury doesn't lead to something miraculous and exciting and beautiful like a new life, a whole new family member that you're going to love and cherish for the rest of your life. It's disingenuous to suggest that the only thing that happens after a birth is vaginal tearing and pain. There is also a baby! Of course people are going to be desperately excited to see it.

I'm not saying new parents can't set limits on who visits them and when - they should of course do what's right for them. But you can't pretend that a birth is the same as any other medical procedure. It's totally normal that people will want to visit and be involved. And there is huge benefit in that if the visitors behave themselves and are respectful. So I think it's fair to say that a balance should be struck, and pretending that having a baby is the same as recovering from a penis injury is just absurd!

bigKiteFlying · 27/07/2018 17:56

maternity hospitals now do limit the times and number of visitors that can come excluding your birthing partner(s).

Really probably a good plan - Dssis and I at different hospital didn't have that.

Though in my case it was the other new Dads who were the noisest having TV blareing on phones - stareing at BF mother like me - and we weren't allowed our curtains closed.

Littleredridinghoodgrewup · 27/07/2018 17:59

Thesheepofewe your attitude is disrespectful to women. Why shouldn’t they expect privacy and dignity after a possibly severe injury.

I can only imagine you are a an overexcited mil with this kind of attitude.

When I had ds my mum was worried about me, first and foremost as ds was perfectly healthy.
Mil an overexcited pain in the ass who wanted to sit and hog ds. No regard for the trauma id been through.

itswinetime · 27/07/2018 17:59

I can see both sides,

I get delaying the inevitable drama if there is a history of people being dicks and enjoying your baby in peace. Or if one or both mother and baby have been unwell ect.

However I do think there are some people who want every scan picture cooed over, baby shower attended complains when they feel people aren't involved or happy enough for them but then keep everyone away for weeks!

Each to their own and all but it's when there is double standard that makes me Hmm

Seniorschoolmum · 27/07/2018 18:00

A few reasons I can think of, DM or mil telling me I’m doing it wrong, people thinking I want their dogs licking pfb, people expecting me to get them endless cups of tea when I’ve had no sleep, people complaining there are no Jaffa cakes and telling me I have the wrong car/baby seat/ maternity bra, people pointing out that the lounge needs hoovering (!), people “wetting the baby’s head” to excess and getting into an argument when I’m trying to breastfeed, people who don’t know what routine means, or who want to take pfb for a 5 mile drive to the golf club.
No thanks. I had six weeks peace, and then I visited them. Grin

Pengggwn · 27/07/2018 18:01

It's disingenuous to suggest that the only thing that happens after a birth is vaginal tearing and pain. There is also a baby! Of course people are going to be desperately excited to see it.

Tough. If a woman wants time to recover from birth she is entitled to it.

zombie999 · 27/07/2018 18:01

We came home from hospital on the Saturday morning after having baby Friday morning we didn't want anybody round on the Saturday at all. I had given birth at home-unplanned and then been taken to hospital. The mess of birthing at home in a hurry was waiting for us when we got home on the Saturday. We both had a shower made a rather large coffee shut the curtains locked the doors and told family and friends we really wanted the first day at home as a new family. Some were understanding others (my mum being the main one) rather annoyed. We welcomed everyone in on Sunday and we literally got woken up at 9am with banging on the door. By 10am we had a house full people sitting on the floor because of how many people we had. But they had all gone by 12 and we had the rest of he day to chill out. We asked people for the next week to text us before hand my partners family did this but my family....especially Mum and sister just came walking in and it really annoyed me

MaryShelley1818 · 27/07/2018 18:04

YANBU.
There is obviously always going to be exceptions such as a traumatic birth/injury or a baby being born prematurely. But these wouldn’t be planned in advance.
Mostly is just seems hugely controlling and precious, and nearly always solely aimed at not having the Dad’s family to visit. I don’t know any women who would do this in rl. (Again unless in exceptional circumstances) as noone can be unable to bond as a family or bond with their baby by allowing grandparents a brief visit.

Sparklingbrook · 27/07/2018 18:05

Oh dear I must be missing the 'desperately excited' to see a baby gene.

Sandsnake · 27/07/2018 18:07

It’s so hard to predict how you’re going to feel. DS was ELCS so we were able to arrange for all the grandparents to visit us in hospital the day after he was born, as we knew when it was. As it happened, he was born early in the day and by lunch I was phoning my Mum to try to get her to come early. I had a real urge to show him off like Simba from the Lion King! But that was against a backdrop of a loving, supportive, respectful family and an easy and calm birth.

It really is so individual.

happypoobum · 27/07/2018 18:08

I can imagine being desperately excited to see my own GC, but not so much so that I became so selfish I felt my own wishes trumped the needs of the baby's mother.

I am with sparkling I would congratulate, ask if I could do anything to help, and say "Let me know when I can visit, or you would like to bring the baby to me." Then sit back and be very happy about being a GM.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 18:08

You've not had grandchildren Sparklingbrook, I'm sure you will be excited when your sons have a baby Grin

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2018 18:09

Or maybe you have the "I see DiLs as individual women with their own life experiences and bodily autonomy and not just vessels for my son's sperm and my grandchild" gene Sparklingbrook.

TheShapeOfEwe · 27/07/2018 18:11

Littleredridinghoodgrewup I never said anything of the kind! I actually think you're the one who is disrespectful - comparing something as incredible and impressive as birth with a penis injury Hmm

I'm currently TTC my first so I'm a long way from being an overexcited MIL. And if you read what my post actually says rather than what you want it to say you'll see I say new parents should make the decision that's right for them, and if that requires recovery time then of course that's fine. But it is nonsensical to pretend that family won't be excited about a baby and keen to meet it, and I think you're doing women a huge disservice if you try to act like giving birth doesn't result in a baby and is the same as a penis injury!

The rights of grandparents etc never trump the rights of parents but most people who have reasonable and helpful parents will understand that those parents will want to meet the baby and will balance that desire against their own needs to find a solution that works.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 18:11

Ftr when DS and DIL has their baby I said I would wait to be asked to visit and that it was fine for me to wait till they'd got home, even though I knew DILs family would be there as soon as baby was born. DIL looked at me like I had two heads and told me not me ridiculous and that I could go as soon as I could. I think she was a bit put out tbh that I'd said that and thought I didn't want to come!

Sparklingbrook · 27/07/2018 18:17

I have no idea how I will feel. They may emigrate to Australia for all I know so no chance to be overly involved. I will be happy I expect. Hopefully not for a while yet though, I am not in any hurry to be a Grandparent.

harrietm87 · 27/07/2018 18:19

I love my PILs and we get on really well. Despite this I was worried before the birth about when they would visit afterwards - I had no idea how the birth would go, how I would feel mentally and physically etc etc. They (understandably) were just desperate to meet their grandchild and in the nicest possible way didn't give a shit about me. For my mum on the other hand, I was her number one priority.

Anyway, I didn't want to be mean to PILs so they rocked up 2 days after the birth, day after I got out of hospital. MIL held baby and wouldn't put him down to eat the lunch I had cooked for her. When he cried to feed she said he couldn't possibly be hungry and wouldn't hand him over until I physically removed him. They stayed for 10 hours. My mum, on the other hand, did all the cooking and cleaning for a week so I could just bond with my baby. It was totally different. Looking back I really wish I hadn't just tried to please everyone by letting PILs come and had only had my mum and other visitors for no more than 30 mins.

Bluejay19 · 27/07/2018 18:19

YABU it's not a trend it's personal preference and it's up to the couple having the baby to make this decision. It would be unreasonable to assume that because you are a relative you have a right to visit as soon as the baby comes home or even whilst still in hospital.
No one has any idea how the birth of any baby will go and so I think it is sensible to wait until the baby has arrived to make decisions on when to have visitors and if the parents want a couple of days to adjust to life as a new family I think it's their right to do so without worrying about upsetting relatives.