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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 9 year old is an entitled twat

249 replies

blehh · 27/07/2018 15:21

I grew up in poverty. Parents sharing a tin of beans for dinner, sharing a bedroom with my brother in a flat so small it can't even legally be let as a dwelling any more. We never had holidays, spent summer at 20p church hall clubs, and clothes were from charity shops. As an adult I have been through some hard times, literal starvation for days.

I have a 9 year old daughter. She won't remember but we have queued at food banks and soup kitchens together. I have missed meals so she could eat. We had a hard few years for a while.

Now I have a great job and earn well, and I have tried very hard not to spoil her. It's tempting sometimes, because I can if I want to. She gets the occasional comic, we have McDonalds once a month or so, new clothes when required but half of them from charity shops. We give back to charity shops, always stop at homeless people and buy them a sandwich, and have nice days out. I didn't get her a tablet computer until a couple of months ago. We still eat the value range foods because I am cautious.

So I have been surprised lately by her awful, entitled attitude and I don't know if or how to nip it in the bud. She sulks if I say no to a comic. She demands I buy her things in the shop and shouts at me when I say no. She puts things in my shopping basket and tells me she hates me when I take them out. She loses coats and jumpers and lunchboxes on a regular basis and retorts "well you have loads of money, buy me a new one!". We go to the cinema once or twice a month, and share a pick n mix as a treat, and she has started to get gobby about not wanting to share. She tore a school library book up.

I encourage her to do chores for pocket money - 10p at a time - but there are also basics that are expected, like making her bed and picking her clothes up and not littering. She has started to refuse to help around the house at all.

This week she refused to make her bed, saying 'well Barbie can do it' (Barbie is my friend who does 2 hours cleaning a week - she started when I had a nasty accident - I don't really need her any more but feel it would be rude to let her go!). I bollocked her for it and said that Barbie is not here to do her bedroom, that's her responsibility. (I keep my house pretty immaculate, and always make sure it is tidy for Barbie, so she did not learn that attitude from me!)

She breaks toys and doesnt take care of them. She doodled on a brand new rug with permanent pen and shrugged when confronted. Her attitude absolutely stinks.

I lost my cool today and told her that if she doesn't quit her entitled brattery, we are going to spend a week living like we did five years ago so she can understand what life used to be like. Tinned spaghetti for days on end, no lightbulbs, no tablet, no TV, no taxis, no trains, bag up and give away toys and clothes to charity, and go volunteer in a homeless shelter or food bank for the week. It would be grim as all hell but maybe it's the shock she needs to really understand her privilege? I don't understand where it's come from - she sees her dad on weekends and his family make a few jibes about me being 'loaded', but I mean, we don't even have a car and we rent our house. I dress in H&M and charity shops, am not flash with money, and cannot believe the crap she is coming out with right now. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
rainforesttreeswinging · 27/07/2018 15:23

You really should never call your child a twat under any circumstances, I really couldn't get past the title tbh

Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:24

ive never said it to her face but god we all think our kids are twatty sometimes

OP posts:
RedneckStumpy · 27/07/2018 15:26

Sounds like you have the right idea, she needs to be reminded.

Loopylou6 · 27/07/2018 15:26

She's just testing boundaries, you need to carry out your threat.
But 10p a chore?

Digestive28 · 27/07/2018 15:28

She has a short memory and it sounds like you worked hard at the time to protect from the money problems you had. As a result she doesn’t probably get how bad it was. Not sure if telling her the details of it all will achieve what you want it too.
Well done for getting to where you are.

user1483390742 · 27/07/2018 15:28

I'm with you OP- mine are twats most of the time!GrinShock

Abitlost2015 · 27/07/2018 15:28

My ex is like you. He loved in poverty and struggles to manage normal behaviour in children because keeps relating to his childhood. I’m not saying the behaviour is ok, it’s not. But it’s normal, it just needs to be managed, with calmness. If your past doesn’t let you do that you have a problem.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/07/2018 15:28

Pah! Your thread title reflects just how frustrated and puzzled you are.

Gently does it though. Have you asked her why she acts like that? Why she thinks you are mean etc?

She'll be pushing at those boundaries for a fair few more years, it would probably make your life easier if you could find a way of dealing with it that works for you both, sooner rather than later.

Best of luck.

FatToni · 27/07/2018 15:29

There's more to parenting than not spoiling them with money or stuff.

Tore up a library book? Told you she hates you? Refusing to help (as in telling you no?)

Those would be serious incidents in my house and they'd have serious punishments...what are you doing to send a message that this behaviour is not acceptable?

missyB1 · 27/07/2018 15:29

OP i hear you. PP get off your high horse!

Do the going back to basics thing for a week, its a great idea! She's got a little too used to an easier life.

Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:29

@loopylou6 Should have said 'FROM 10p'. They are literally things like 'remove any glasses from your bedroom' and 'wipe door handles with a wet wipe' - nothing exactly taxing!

OP posts:
Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:31

@FatToni

  1. Time out.
  2. Discussion about why it isnt acceptable, explore reasons behind it, identify who is hurt in this situation.
  3. Agree a reasonable punishment (loss of tablet time is the fave)
  4. Write an apology letter to whoever has been affected.
OP posts:
Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:33

@abitlost2015 sorry refusing to make your bed because 'the CLEANER is coming today so SHE can do it' is not normal

OP posts:
MsHomeSlice · 27/07/2018 15:33

you are going to be toasted alive for calling her a twat tbh, you know MN children are all misunderstood angels who just aren't loved enough! Hmm

ANYWAY! ...can you go through the budget with her, at nine she should have some consideration about living within your means and see how that goes
Personally I'd go on a hard core no luxuries crack down and see how she likes that, point out that maybe you'd be at the cinema with popcorn instead of watching the telly if you hadn't had to replace her coat, or out for a coffee and a cake if she hadn't been vile about the cleaner.

Actions and consequences ....I like a little guilt trip parenting!

Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:34

@mshomeslice Grin

OP posts:
JustDoOne · 27/07/2018 15:35

No advice, but I hear you. I have a whole house full of twats.

crisscrosscranky · 27/07/2018 15:36

Sorry but I think you're massively unreasonable- she's not a twat she's a child.

I also had a poor upbringing but am now comfortable and happy. I have never tried to replicate that to my kids as a life lesson.

She's at an age where you should be introducing pocket money, if you can afford it, and teaching her to budget her own money. Please don't make her afraid of being poor- kids worry more about money than they let on.

cardibach · 27/07/2018 15:36

How physically develope dis she, OP? I ask because my DD became a bit of a brat at about that age - confrontational and borderline violent behaviour, lack of appreciation of material things etc. And then she started her periods. She was only in Y5. A couple of months later normal service was resumed. She’s a delightful 22 now. Could it be this if it’s a sudden change in her attitude?

Ennirem · 27/07/2018 15:36

I think you need to separate her behaviour from your past. Telling you she hates you, disrespecting your friend and destroying property aren't bad because you used to be poor - they're just bad behaviours, and I imagine reasonably typical behaviours of 9 year olds testing parental boundaries. What she really doesn't need is to see you blow up - for all she's trying to push you to breaking point, seeing that you have one will be frightening and destabilising for her. You need to try not to be emotionally influenced by your history and address the behaviour in its own right.

What are your usual punishments/discipline strategies and why are they not sufficient for these new behaviours?

Also just as a possibility is she beginning to go through puberty? I know kids are much younger these days and that could be behind a lot of the acting up...

MattBerrysHair · 27/07/2018 15:37

When did this behaviour start? Could she be acting out due to something else? My 10 year old ds gets very difficult when he's anxious about something. He was being teased for months and didn't tell us but would have huge emotional episides at home. I was at the end of my tether and he suddenly told us what was happening.

Hidingtonothing · 27/07/2018 15:37

I actually think your back-to-basics week is a fantastic idea OP.

Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:39

@cardibach nowhere near puberty. tiny little piglet :)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/07/2018 15:40

I think it's a 9yo thing honestly! Mine has moments of this but has improved.

That said. I make mine pay out of his pocket money to replace things. I'm clear that I don't have the money to replace things with top end stuff. If he really needs something yet doesn't have it because he's wasted/lost it, it gets replaced with the cheapest alternative. Sometimes I'll subsidise and get him to only pay a portion if it's more than he could reasonably afford. We're careful about what we buy him for birthdays/Christmas and don't pick things which are likely to get broken or not be used carefully. When we do get valuable stuff, like tablets, we make sure to get protection like he has a case and screen protector on his tablet.

We are clear about what is his responsibility around the house and he doesn't get paid for chores - pocket money is a separate thing. If he doesn't do his chores in a reasonable time frame then access to screens etc goes into limbo until it's all done - sometimes he spends hours in a sulk putting it off but does eventually do it! He will occasionally go off on a moan of "Nobody else has to do this stuff" (Tough, we do in our house) "It's not fair I do everything and you don't" (Um, who cooks your meals, washes your clothes, gets you to school, goes to work to pay the rent, cleans the toilets? Would you like to do all of those things too?)

TwoIsQuiteEnoughThankyou · 27/07/2018 15:40

Most of the PPs here are being quite goady and holier-than-thou when actually all OP was asking for a bit of advice about how to deal with a difficult 9 year old.

Original poster
blehh · 27/07/2018 15:40

@mattberryshair it all seems to be themed around 'i can lose and break things because you can just get more'

no bullying at school. good friends. usually very open about anxieties. we have a generally good relationship.

OP posts: