to think my 9 year old is an entitled twat

[blehh]

I grew up in poverty. Parents sharing a tin of beans for dinner, sharing a bedroom with my brother in a flat so small it can't even legally be let as a dwelling any more. We never had holidays, spent summer at 20p church hall clubs, and clothes were from charity shops. As an adult I have been through some hard times, literal starvation for days.

I have a 9 year old daughter. She won't remember but we have queued at food banks and soup kitchens together. I have missed meals so she could eat. We had a hard few years for a while.

Now I have a great job and earn well, and I have tried very hard not to spoil her. It's tempting sometimes, because I can if I want to. She gets the occasional comic, we have McDonalds once a month or so, new clothes when required but half of them from charity shops. We give back to charity shops, always stop at homeless people and buy them a sandwich, and have nice days out. I didn't get her a tablet computer until a couple of months ago. We still eat the value range foods because I am cautious.

So I have been surprised lately by her awful, entitled attitude and I don't know if or how to nip it in the bud. She sulks if I say no to a comic. She demands I buy her things in the shop and shouts at me when I say no. She puts things in my shopping basket and tells me she hates me when I take them out. She loses coats and jumpers and lunchboxes on a regular basis and retorts "well you have loads of money, buy me a new one!". We go to the cinema once or twice a month, and share a pick n mix as a treat, and she has started to get gobby about not wanting to share. She tore a school library book up.

I encourage her to do chores for pocket money - 10p at a time - but there are also basics that are expected, like making her bed and picking her clothes up and not littering. She has started to refuse to help around the house at all.

This week she refused to make her bed, saying 'well Barbie can do it' (Barbie is my friend who does 2 hours cleaning a week - she started when I had a nasty accident - I don't really need her any more but feel it would be rude to let her go!). I bollocked her for it and said that Barbie is not here to do her bedroom, that's her responsibility. (I keep my house pretty immaculate, and always make sure it is tidy for Barbie, so she did not learn that attitude from me!)

She breaks toys and doesnt take care of them. She doodled on a brand new rug with permanent pen and shrugged when confronted. Her attitude absolutely stinks.

I lost my cool today and told her that if she doesn't quit her entitled brattery, we are going to spend a week living like we did five years ago so she can understand what life used to be like. Tinned spaghetti for days on end, no lightbulbs, no tablet, no TV, no taxis, no trains, bag up and give away toys and clothes to charity, and go volunteer in a homeless shelter or food bank for the week. It would be grim as all hell but maybe it's the shock she needs to really understand her privilege? I don't understand where it's come from - she sees her dad on weekends and his family make a few jibes about me being 'loaded', but I mean, we don't even have a car and we rent our house. I dress in H&M and charity shops, am not flash with money, and cannot believe the crap she is coming out with right now. Am I being unreasonable?

She is pushing the boundaries. You have 2 options, reinforce them or let them go a little. The key is to decide which you are going to do before she starts asking.

It could be brattishness for the sake of it (maybe influenced by what she is hearing elsewhere) it could be insecurity, bulling etc. I don't know which it is. She might be embarrassed now abut her charity shop clothes (which there is no need to be) but it might be time to have a budget and let her decide whether she wants a few more expensive things that will need to be taken care of, or more cheaper things that you can be easier about.

I agree with the giving her her own pocket money to budget and hence feel a little bit of control about what she has.

I think a frank discussion to get to the bottom of it is required to be honest. If you are completely confident that she just needs the hard line, then a demonstration of what it's like to have very little might be the thing, but please don't affect her security.

@evaharkness nope. i do literally everything you said, and im not vocal about finances to her.

She has no respect for you or her things. It sounds like you’re doing a lot right by trying to nip this in the bud. Do the back to basics idea and see if that shocks her into understanding her privledges.

I think we have the same 9yo DD! And yes, she is often very twatty. Just today I was thinking I really don't like her very much right now. she's currently sulking in her room after having shoved all her clothes in the wardrobe instead of folding them up

I agree with @cardibach though - my DD had her first period last month, and her behaviour has definitely escalated. They say periods should start around a year after the breast buds have developed and they have pubic hair, but it obviously works the other way round in some cases, as with my DD.

I don't know what to advise - I wish I had the answers. If you find them, please let me know .

someone seriously thinks having a week of no luxuries is emotional abuse?

I would be frustrated and act up as a 9 year old if my mum was acting like we were poor when we wasn't.

Is there really a need for charity shop clothes etc, she might end up resenting you for that, especially if she's being teased for it and she knows full well you could afford new clothes but choose not to buy them.

It comes across like you're wanting her to suffer like you did.

Sure address the bratty behaviour (I'd have confiscated the tablet for 27 hours, not minutes) but don't act poor when you're not.

It's possible she's picking up on it anyway as she's old enough to know which are the very cheap things, and what different things her friends get when their parents have similar jobs.

I cannot eyeroll hard enough at the 'She's not a twat, she's a child!' posts... I called DS5 a twat this morning (not to his face, obviously).

I think a week of back to basics is a great bid to handle it, maybe it'll give her a kick up the arse to be more grateful, maybe it won't. But even if she is small, at 9 she will have hormones starting to fly

Do you notice these moods are cyclical? Girls start experiencing hormone fluctuations even a couple of years before they start menstruating. Their bodies aren't mature enough to actually have a period, but the hormone changes are starting.

We help our dcs to appreciate how fortunate they are by sponsoring a child at school in Kenya. Each term they write to us with news of what they have done at school, and the dcs see how happy other children are with just the opportunity to have an education - let alone any cool toys or clothes or treats. Also, Christmas shoeboxes are a great way to get the dcs to think about how much they have, compared to others. Not to make them feel guilty but to appreciate what they have and to know the pleasure of putting a smile on the face of another child through small gestures. So rather than depriving our dcs we get them involved in sharing what we have with others. Maybe something like that could help your dd appreciate her life and all you are able to offer her.

I think she sounds a bit pre-teen- like. That, with possible input from her dad’s family etc, it’s probably all combining into what you see coming out in her behaviour.

I wouldn’t go all out ‘week of living like you used to’ because she doesn’t remember and I think 9 is a bit of a funny age. They don’t always understand consequences relating to actions at that age and as a pp said, kids often worry a lot about parents money.

It I were in your shoes I’d maybe word it like:

“Let’s try to be a bit kinder and have a think about why I say the stuff I do or make you do little jobs for me. When you were little, we didn’t have as much money as we do now and I had to save really hard to keep us fed and clothed. It wasn’t easy but it’s not as bad as that now.
However, that doesn’t mean I want to throw my hard earned money at everything you ask for and if we had treats all the time, they wouldn’t be treats.mummy has to go without luxuries too sometimes and that’s fine.”

That said, you splurge on cinema twice monthly and pay a cleaner when you don’t need one. Those two things would save a fair bit and maybe, when you do next go to the cinema, allow your dd to have her own small bag of sweets, rather than sharing.

I would be frustrated and act up as a 9 year old if my mum was acting like we were poor when we wasn't.

why? do you look down on poor people.

nothing wrong with charity shop clothing either. Its not like she doesn't have new stuff.

She will be more aware than you think about your previous money struggles. I was also brought up in poverty and worried about it all the time even though I am sure my parents thought I had no idea.

DH and I are comfortable but not wealthy as in we can go to the supermarket and fill a trolly without worrying and we have a secure house and transport etc. I try to not make everything about cost with (now teen) DSs. Sometimes it's nice to show them that money is there to be enjoyed as well as for security. i.e. If we decide not to cook and maybe pop out for dinner, it will be somewhere modest and i'll say it's just a replacement dinner so main course and drink and no steaks! If we are going out for a treat (birthday etc) we say to choose whatever they want. It's as important to show the value of money for nice things as it is to show how it should be saved and looked after.

She can't possibly appreciate your past, even though she lived through some of it.

Hell, I thought I was stinking rich aged 18 when my university loan started coming in. I was bright, believe it or not, but the idea of an adult who earned, say, £20k not being able to get by would have bloody baffled me.

She doesn't know what it's like to pay a bill, worry about long term financial planning etc. She can only work with what she has. Is it posisble that your attitude to money is rubbing off on her in a perverse and opposite way? I.e. you still anxious about spending, her wanting what she understands as normal?

She's behaving badly, but you can't possibly conflate it with your history.

No blehh, your attitude towards it is emotionally abusive.

Making a child who's fault it is not that you were poor feel guilty for having and wanting things now your not is a shitty thing to do.

@allisonandcole we dont act poor, i'm careful. charity shop clothes are fine?! and also environmentally friendly, and we can get brand names for a tenth of the price. you sound really snobby tbh

@skapunk righto. well you dont know me, or my daughter, and calling someone an abusive parent is fucking out of order.

I think OP's idea is excellent. It won't be much fun. There be some first class moaning going on!

She is pushing boundaries, being a bit lazy, a bit self centred and not grasping the value of money. This is pretty standard I think. It has nothing to do with how you grew up or how you both lived when she was little... you focusing on that is making you angrier then you need to be with her. Kids have a lack of impulse control, get one magazine, want another. Deal with it without making it all about your upbringing. She won’t do something you asked because “the cleaner can do it” - that’s about her not doing what you asked, punish her for that without making it about the cleaner issue.

I don't believe the Op is acting poor. I think, because of the challenges she had to face when growing up, she is simply being careful and that is very wise given how jobs can disappear overnight these days. I think you are wise, Op, and I think your DD is very lucky to have you!

What's with this precious "you mustn't think of your children as twats"? They are twats a lot of the time!! Of course you don't call them that to their face but it won't help them to grow into responsible adults if we put them on a pedestal.

Ignoring the holier than thou posters ...she didn't say she called her a twat to her face people ! My kids are 5 and 2 and entirely act like twats sometimes (unless you consider launching

Its definitely come from the ex, I'd bet money on it

@buglife she literally said 'the cleaner can do it'

No advice but I've got admiration for you, OP. I think you have a great attitude and I wish you all the best.

also am not angry. i dont get angry. im disappointed.