to think my 9 year old is an entitled twat

[blehh]

I grew up in poverty. Parents sharing a tin of beans for dinner, sharing a bedroom with my brother in a flat so small it can't even legally be let as a dwelling any more. We never had holidays, spent summer at 20p church hall clubs, and clothes were from charity shops. As an adult I have been through some hard times, literal starvation for days.

I have a 9 year old daughter. She won't remember but we have queued at food banks and soup kitchens together. I have missed meals so she could eat. We had a hard few years for a while.

Now I have a great job and earn well, and I have tried very hard not to spoil her. It's tempting sometimes, because I can if I want to. She gets the occasional comic, we have McDonalds once a month or so, new clothes when required but half of them from charity shops. We give back to charity shops, always stop at homeless people and buy them a sandwich, and have nice days out. I didn't get her a tablet computer until a couple of months ago. We still eat the value range foods because I am cautious.

So I have been surprised lately by her awful, entitled attitude and I don't know if or how to nip it in the bud. She sulks if I say no to a comic. She demands I buy her things in the shop and shouts at me when I say no. She puts things in my shopping basket and tells me she hates me when I take them out. She loses coats and jumpers and lunchboxes on a regular basis and retorts "well you have loads of money, buy me a new one!". We go to the cinema once or twice a month, and share a pick n mix as a treat, and she has started to get gobby about not wanting to share. She tore a school library book up.

I encourage her to do chores for pocket money - 10p at a time - but there are also basics that are expected, like making her bed and picking her clothes up and not littering. She has started to refuse to help around the house at all.

This week she refused to make her bed, saying 'well Barbie can do it' (Barbie is my friend who does 2 hours cleaning a week - she started when I had a nasty accident - I don't really need her any more but feel it would be rude to let her go!). I bollocked her for it and said that Barbie is not here to do her bedroom, that's her responsibility. (I keep my house pretty immaculate, and always make sure it is tidy for Barbie, so she did not learn that attitude from me!)

She breaks toys and doesnt take care of them. She doodled on a brand new rug with permanent pen and shrugged when confronted. Her attitude absolutely stinks.

I lost my cool today and told her that if she doesn't quit her entitled brattery, we are going to spend a week living like we did five years ago so she can understand what life used to be like. Tinned spaghetti for days on end, no lightbulbs, no tablet, no TV, no taxis, no trains, bag up and give away toys and clothes to charity, and go volunteer in a homeless shelter or food bank for the week. It would be grim as all hell but maybe it's the shock she needs to really understand her privilege? I don't understand where it's come from - she sees her dad on weekends and his family make a few jibes about me being 'loaded', but I mean, we don't even have a car and we rent our house. I dress in H&M and charity shops, am not flash with money, and cannot believe the crap she is coming out with right now. Am I being unreasonable?

@blehh
Your first paragraphs made me very sad: how are your parents managing now? And your brother?
One of my very good friend’s parents won a significant sum on the lottery when she was still at primary school, and invested it very very cleverly. All the children are lovely, actually, but she’s the eldest and only she can remember sitting in the dark of their bedsit because they couldn’t afford electricity, and lying to her mum that her shoes fit fine. She used to worry so much about her brothers, because the private schools (she wanted to stay at her state school, and did), cars, clothes, holidays were all they knew, and she used to be shit scared they’d lose it all and the boys couldn’t cope. She’s herself now incredibly wealthy (they could pay for an MBA; internships; all that jazz) and and she’s just like you in terms of things like her cleaner, and has ripped into her kids if they’ve so much as implied that it’s ‘Lucy’s’ job to wait on them. So I guess I don’t have any advice! I just wish you luck. Keep reinforcing that she can’t behave like that. I’m sure she’ll turn out fine.

My kids have said that! It's just a way of being lazy and cheeky, just be sensible and firm in reply, don't make it into a big issue about poverty and entitlement, I really don't think it is.

She's 9, she doesn't understand money and she may actually be trying to find out how poor you are if you do talk about it- mine have worried on and off when I've mentioned things are a bit tight this month or whatever.

Don't overreact, you are responding as if she's a bad child, and she isn't, you don't need to be disappointed, this is 9 year old girls for you!

Sorry posted too soon

OP it's a really hard balance and I think things have definately changed...my DP struggles with this because he grew up like you did including being homeless for some of his childhood , and he struggles because sometimes my DC can be entitled

I made a lot of mistakes when I was working ungodly hours my marriage had broken down and I gave in and have them what they wanted ...i regret that as we are having to correct that behaviour now

I've no magic wand but I will say this....my DF was like yourself , he had grown up with nothing and ensured that although I grew up with money I never was allowed to take it for granted

I have no doubt at 12 I was probably self entitled and entirely a brat...but that bit goes...the lesson stays and now I'm really grateful for that lesson

It's got me through some really really tough times...its reminded me that you work for what you have and whilst I grew up with money I am and always be a he'll of a grafter

I guess what I'm saying as tough as it is now the lesson you are teaching about appreciation is important and will be appreciated when she's an adult

I do think a week if losing the luxuries wouldn't be a bad idea but don't expect her to do a 180 straight away...this one may only come to fruition after the pre teen and teen years

You say you work 3 jobs to provide your lifestyle. Assuming that these arent all within 9-5 Mon-Fri, could she be pushing your buttons to get your attention?

FWIW my mother grew up in poverty but never made us feel like we were obliged to live every day feeling grateful we had more, she was just happy she could give us more. She loved that if we wanted some stupid trainers and they HAD TO BE A CERTAIN KIND in that stupid teenage way she could actually have a chance to get them, having experienced never having new things and having everything wear out before she might get new ones. It didn’t make me horribly spoiled! People will mainly grow up to have a healthy attitude to money/feel grateful for their privilege even if they did get treated as a child because once they are adults they can grasp the value of money better. A 9 year old can’t really do that. Also to be fair if you have a cleaner it’s not that odd she wouldn’t grasp what cleaning/tidying is for you guys to do and what the cleaner does. Again, she’s 9.

I hear you, OP! My 13-year old is on holiday with us right now and is behaving like an absolute arsehole.

He's always been 'high maintenance' though and went through a similar phase a couple of years ago. That time we finally discovered that he was acting out because he was being picked on at school. Could there be an underlying reason for such out if character / destructive behaviour?

Sadly this time mine's just becoming a teenager... 😩

There is no denying that she is acting up and her behaviour is challenging.

But ..

At 9 years old, she can’t be expected to reason like an adult. She won’t be able to put poverty and wealth into perspective.She won’t grasp everything you have explained in your post the way an adult would e.g you working three jobs, foodbanks etc.

As an aside- from what you say, it appears that you have been drawing to her attention to how your circumstances have improved. Could that be where she gets the idea that you are now ‘loaded’?

Just because you don’t ‘spoil’ her with material possessions, doesn’t mean that she won’t take your current lifestyle for granted.

You lost your cool today, that’s understandable as everyone is human. I’m sure you know that empty threats will get lead to her thinking there are no consequences to her behaviour. It’s done now, don’t dwell on it and move forward.

To nip this behaviour in the bud, would you consider setting up a reward system for her good behaviour? This could phase out her bad behaviour as she will no longer get attention for it.

Eg. Beads in a jar for every time she makes her bed etc. At the end of the week count out the beads and give her money to choose what she wants to buy as a treat for herself.

As she gets older and stops these negative behaviours, you could switch to giving her pocket money ( maybe in return for a few larger tasks about the house).

I agree with PPs that this isn't about the fact that you used to be poor. She needs to appreciate the value of money, and of other people's time.

Just a thought - you said you're working 3 jobs - is that more than FT hours? Could she be just wanting more time with you?

I would go with trying to understand if there's anything that is bothering her, and enforcing normal boundaries.

No blehh I don't know you, but you asked for the opinion of strangers on a public forum.

There's no need to be so aggressively defensive if you thought you were right, why did you ask?

YABU to work three jobs when you have a young child to pay for £470+ tablets (assuming you earn minimum wage for the 27 hours it took you to pay for it). Perhaps she just wants to spend time with her mum.

Op, I’m sorry your earlier life was so difficult. However you seem to be projecting that onto your daughter, maybe that’s why she’s acting up, During my childhood I was made to feel guilty, told how lucky I was and so on. It’s no way to bring up a child

we do a reward jar system already

@rainforesttreeswinging

Well give yourself a pat on your morally superior face why don't you love.

@blehh

I grew up in poverty too, I think your daughter needs a reminder of how good she has it now. Also stronger consequences for her actions.

everyone assuming im absent - i do all the school runs myself and we spend quality time together every day. i work 3 part time jobs - one is copywriting that i do at 6am, one is work i do when she is in bed. she gets more time with me than any other single working parent i know.

Could it be resentment from your ex and his family? You mention her going to his family at weekends and coming back talking about you being ‘loaded’. They might be annoyed that you are doing well in life now and she is picking up on that. Combine that with what might be shitty attitudes st school about clothes, labels, having the right brand stuff and it might be where her attitude is coming from.

I would just keep doing what you are doing, to be honest. Reinforce boundaries, talk about major incidents (like the library book) and follow through on punishments. You can’t control what she picks up on from your ex and school sadly

i dont understand why i am being made to feel bad about being frustrated by my daughters brattish behaviour? regardless of my own history, her destroying things and losing things then demanding i replace them is wrong. demanding a sandwich and then binning it is wrong.

Of course she doesn't get that she's privileged - she just sees it as normal. It does sound like she knows how to push your buttons though. Kids are good at finding the best ways to get maximum attention, and this is obviously something that is always going to provoke a strong reaction from you. I know that with my daughter, not reacting to the words, but having clear consequences for the behaviour would work. However, if my daughter was acting like that, it would mean she was seriously stressed about something, and I would be trying to help her work through it. But all kids are different.

I think this behaviour can be normal OP, my 8 year old has been behaving like an entitled twat lately too.

her uniform is new, shoes and trainers branded, bag is regulation school one and she gets the official school jumpers.

She's testing your boundaries...it might be better to decide what they are, what her responsibilities are, and stick to them, rather than doing a week of shock treatment, but then you know your child best. I thought I'd say what I found useful, which you can take or ignore as you wish:

Sometimes it helps to sit down together and write some Rules and Consequences. Not all 'don't do this' stuff- nice things too.

Share things- consequence is other people would want to share with you in future
Shout at mum- lost Xminutes of screen time (if screen time is limited)
Shout at other children- they won't want to play with you.
Get X amount of stickers on sticker chart- get to choose an activitity e.g. cinema etc.

We also have a kindness chart. Any time anyone (even visitors) show kindness a star goes on the piece of paper. It's not really a chart- it has no lines, or names, it's just paper with stars stuck on! We decide what we are going to do when it is full, some sort of nice activity, then when it's full off we go. It makes kids (and adults) focus on not just being kind themselves, but recognising kindness in others and showing gratitude.

Also, does your daughter have any sort of 'control' over her life at all apart from sulking? Does she get any say in meals/clothing/actities etc? As sometimes being restricted, or being told what to do, can be counter productive. My kids get magazines/sweets etc out of their pocket money- they do actually get a decent amount not 10p a chore! If they were to damage any of my stuff, or lose stuff through being careless then they end up having to contribute towards it's replacement. It gives them some idea of how money works- someone has to pay for everything. If it's clothing- they get to choose their own clothes but if things get 'lost' then it's replacement is not going to be as nice, and it will be my choice. School uniform is all well labelled to avoid losses.

You might well be doing all of this and sometimes kids just are...well..twattish. Just as adults can be! Mine have gone through phases of it, I suppose it's how they learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, and how to move forwards.

also i have 'lent' my ex 2 grand over the last few years and cleared payday loans for him to keep his family secure. i have never mentioned it to my daughter in any capacity and never asked for it back.

I thought OP had a great job, why the need for 3.

we have house rules we made togethee

we have a reward jar

pocket money is seperate to chores

she chooses meals and clothes and treats herself

we are a pretty democratic household

Of course her behaviour is wrong. Punish her. Repeatedly. Children don't understand the value of items until they are taught. She is acting up. Everytime she bins a sandwich, she doesn't get anything else. If she doesn't clean her room, you take away her iPAD. Also, sit down and have a grown-up chat about respect and the value of items.

Children don't understand the notion that because you had it hard when you were a kid, they should understand they have it good. They don't have a basis for comparison. It was only until I became an adult did I understand the poverty my Mum lived in when she was a child.

I'm sure it's just a phase and she just needs boundaries reinforced. Good luck!

@elevensmiles great =/= well paid. i love my main job, it doesnt pay the bills.