to think my 9 year old is an entitled twat

[blehh]

I grew up in poverty. Parents sharing a tin of beans for dinner, sharing a bedroom with my brother in a flat so small it can't even legally be let as a dwelling any more. We never had holidays, spent summer at 20p church hall clubs, and clothes were from charity shops. As an adult I have been through some hard times, literal starvation for days.

I have a 9 year old daughter. She won't remember but we have queued at food banks and soup kitchens together. I have missed meals so she could eat. We had a hard few years for a while.

Now I have a great job and earn well, and I have tried very hard not to spoil her. It's tempting sometimes, because I can if I want to. She gets the occasional comic, we have McDonalds once a month or so, new clothes when required but half of them from charity shops. We give back to charity shops, always stop at homeless people and buy them a sandwich, and have nice days out. I didn't get her a tablet computer until a couple of months ago. We still eat the value range foods because I am cautious.

So I have been surprised lately by her awful, entitled attitude and I don't know if or how to nip it in the bud. She sulks if I say no to a comic. She demands I buy her things in the shop and shouts at me when I say no. She puts things in my shopping basket and tells me she hates me when I take them out. She loses coats and jumpers and lunchboxes on a regular basis and retorts "well you have loads of money, buy me a new one!". We go to the cinema once or twice a month, and share a pick n mix as a treat, and she has started to get gobby about not wanting to share. She tore a school library book up.

I encourage her to do chores for pocket money - 10p at a time - but there are also basics that are expected, like making her bed and picking her clothes up and not littering. She has started to refuse to help around the house at all.

This week she refused to make her bed, saying 'well Barbie can do it' (Barbie is my friend who does 2 hours cleaning a week - she started when I had a nasty accident - I don't really need her any more but feel it would be rude to let her go!). I bollocked her for it and said that Barbie is not here to do her bedroom, that's her responsibility. (I keep my house pretty immaculate, and always make sure it is tidy for Barbie, so she did not learn that attitude from me!)

She breaks toys and doesnt take care of them. She doodled on a brand new rug with permanent pen and shrugged when confronted. Her attitude absolutely stinks.

I lost my cool today and told her that if she doesn't quit her entitled brattery, we are going to spend a week living like we did five years ago so she can understand what life used to be like. Tinned spaghetti for days on end, no lightbulbs, no tablet, no TV, no taxis, no trains, bag up and give away toys and clothes to charity, and go volunteer in a homeless shelter or food bank for the week. It would be grim as all hell but maybe it's the shock she needs to really understand her privilege? I don't understand where it's come from - she sees her dad on weekends and his family make a few jibes about me being 'loaded', but I mean, we don't even have a car and we rent our house. I dress in H&M and charity shops, am not flash with money, and cannot believe the crap she is coming out with right now. Am I being unreasonable?

The bragging begins.

Oops, posted too soon. I think they push boundaries at this age, they have more responsibility so they seek greater freedom - and the value of money still hasn't really sunk in. I've been refusing to tolerate tantrums and it is starting to get better, but it's still frustrating when he demands rather than ask, or treats me like the hired help.

...but if i went full time with it, i wouldnt be able to do the school runs or spend time with my daughter. i have no family help.

Unfortunately " stuff" and money are the new Gods to be worshipped. It is extremely difficult not to go along with this.

Your 9 year old doesnt know anything of your upbringing and talking about people who have less is just meaningless.

I suggest you focus on the here and now. Every time she is demanding in an unreasonable manner, say no.
Grit your teeth and try and focus on some positive behaviour.

@elevensmiles yes much bragging, i have to work 3 jobs to sustain us, really something to boast about.

She sounds like a fairly normal pre teen girl. Possibly she's having a growth spurt.
She's testing boundaries.
Punishments sometimes have the opposite effect of what you want. She'll possibly end up with a worse attitude and be less respectful if you dole out a long lasting punishment.
She should have consequences to inappropriate behaviour but it should be explained in advance so she's actually in control.
E.g: I need you to do your chores today. If you don't manage to complete them you'll lose half and hour of screen time. If she chooses not to do her chores, she loses screen time. She'll not like it and you might definitely have to put up with a lot of protesting and sulking. Stand firm.
Pick your battles and point out when she's done something good/helpful as often as you can. Kids love attentionand if they don't get good attention they'll try and get it by misbehaving.
I grew up poor. My dm and dd somehow managed to feed and clothe us and keep a roof over our heads but we didn't have luxury items. Clothes from the charity shop, no family holiday, supermarket brand foods and anything that was reduced, she cut our hair and we were aware from a young age that things were tight.
My own dc had much more luxury than I did and I spent a good amount of time trying to teach them the value of things.
If they wanted a brand name item of clothing they had to contribute towards it. E.g. I'd tell them what my budget was for clothing and how many items I'd need to get with that budget. If they wanted brand names they'd have to pay the balance. Yes I was called mean and lots of other names for not just spending the money on them because we could afford to.
I hope she settles down for you soon Kids are so challenging sometimes.
My dc are adults now.....and quite lovely.

bleh you hold down 3 jobs. Is she perhaps playing up for attention?

I have 3 kids between 7-13 and sympathise with the not taking care of stuff element but have never experienced that sort of attitude - no being shouted at or expecting to be bought things or saying that they hate me. I wonder if that's attention seeking?

I was surprised to read the post saying that you give her pocket money as initially I was wondering if she had no sense of money because she was not allowed any control over picket money spending and had to ask for everything but had no comparative sense of what things cost.

I'd advise clear boundaries about what you pay for and what pocket money is for - comics and sweets you never, ever buy because that's what picket money is for. £5 per week is very generous at 9 - mine got €4 at 9 which is similar ish but it was set in stone that they bought comics and sweets themselves and when it's gone it's gone - no handouts. This was established from when they started getting pocket money and by 9 they had totally stopped nagging for anything pocket money was meant to cover.

Asking for money started a bit again at secondary (not in supermarkets but money for town, to spend on fizzy drinks at youth club etc) and then we introduced meaningful amounts of money for chores - all optional but enabling them to earn a useful amount in a week if they need money or are saving up. 10p chores just trivialises it as even a 9 year old knows you can't buy anything with 10p.

i'm not gonna apologise for doing a job i enjoy, for fucks sake. i do two i dont!

OP, you being frugal doesn't make you an abusive or bad mother at all. You know what they say - The rich don't stay rich by spending their money!

*dm and DF!

Op, you’re knocking back every suggestion that you should in any way modify your parenting. She probably is a bratty 9 year old, but at least give some consideration to how your experiences might be affecting your parenting now. It’s not a weakness to reflect on your own behaviour too.

@blueskies i answered this. i do 2 when she is in bed. i work from 6am til 8am 5 days a week at my desk at home copywriting. then i do the school run. then i go to work. then i do the school run and we spend the evening together doing fun stuff. when she is in bed i do my other work 8pm til midnightish. i catch up on work over the weekend when she is with dad. so i work about 50 hours a week but still do all the school runs myself AND spend daily quality time with her.

@didiusfalco i havent knocked back anything. ive pointed out that i do most of what has been suggested.

Have not read the whole thread so apologies if repeating.

I think she is just trying it on a bit and you are overreacting. It does sound like you have had some hard times but your daughter does not remember them (probably). You are still living quite frugally, by the sound of it and, if she sees her classmates getting more luxuries, she will want them too. And chores for 10p does sound a wee bit tight. You can’t really buy anything with 10p.

I think you just need to remind her of the rules around looking after her room and manners and, if she does not do it, penalise her pocket money or screen time.

Hopefully she will never be in the position that you were and that is thanks to your hard work.

blehh, that sounds utterly exhausting tbh.

for the 5th time, chores start from 10p and pocket money is separate.the 10p ones are 10 second jobs.

@petrolpump28 yeah it is. but i have no family help so have to do the school runs myself. and if i went fulltime at one job i wouldnt be able to.

Do you think it's got something to do with her dad/time she spend there? It sounds like someone has been in her ear about money etc

I have a 9yo who is absolutely lush and practically perfect in every way, but I refuse to go in any shop with her as she drives me up the bloody wall! She just wants endless amounts of utter shite that entertains her for all of 30 seconds before being tossed around the house and eventually broken and binned. When I —shouted— spoke to her about it she just said ‘I’m sorry I just really like new things’ ah don’t we all love!

So now I just refuse to go into any shops with her, she knows why. I think it might just be a ‘being 9’ thing.
Fucking irritating though!

mmm sort of a side issue but could you do one job and a childminder do school runs?
Might improve things?

OP good on you for teaching her values of money. she won't ever understand how good she has it unless you teach her.

@petrolpump28 how on earth would that improve things? less money coming in, more going out, and less time with my daughter?

Have you considered counselling? What other influences does she come under. Tbh I don't think that is quite normal. It's normal for a child her age to not have much of a concept of money but the destructive behaviour is concerning.

@racecardriver ive been in therapy for years, she has weekly counselling already for anger management.

I don't think this has anything to do with money. She's lashing out at your weak spot, you need to find out why.