to think my 9 year old is an entitled twat

[blehh]

I grew up in poverty. Parents sharing a tin of beans for dinner, sharing a bedroom with my brother in a flat so small it can't even legally be let as a dwelling any more. We never had holidays, spent summer at 20p church hall clubs, and clothes were from charity shops. As an adult I have been through some hard times, literal starvation for days.

I have a 9 year old daughter. She won't remember but we have queued at food banks and soup kitchens together. I have missed meals so she could eat. We had a hard few years for a while.

Now I have a great job and earn well, and I have tried very hard not to spoil her. It's tempting sometimes, because I can if I want to. She gets the occasional comic, we have McDonalds once a month or so, new clothes when required but half of them from charity shops. We give back to charity shops, always stop at homeless people and buy them a sandwich, and have nice days out. I didn't get her a tablet computer until a couple of months ago. We still eat the value range foods because I am cautious.

So I have been surprised lately by her awful, entitled attitude and I don't know if or how to nip it in the bud. She sulks if I say no to a comic. She demands I buy her things in the shop and shouts at me when I say no. She puts things in my shopping basket and tells me she hates me when I take them out. She loses coats and jumpers and lunchboxes on a regular basis and retorts "well you have loads of money, buy me a new one!". We go to the cinema once or twice a month, and share a pick n mix as a treat, and she has started to get gobby about not wanting to share. She tore a school library book up.

I encourage her to do chores for pocket money - 10p at a time - but there are also basics that are expected, like making her bed and picking her clothes up and not littering. She has started to refuse to help around the house at all.

This week she refused to make her bed, saying 'well Barbie can do it' (Barbie is my friend who does 2 hours cleaning a week - she started when I had a nasty accident - I don't really need her any more but feel it would be rude to let her go!). I bollocked her for it and said that Barbie is not here to do her bedroom, that's her responsibility. (I keep my house pretty immaculate, and always make sure it is tidy for Barbie, so she did not learn that attitude from me!)

She breaks toys and doesnt take care of them. She doodled on a brand new rug with permanent pen and shrugged when confronted. Her attitude absolutely stinks.

I lost my cool today and told her that if she doesn't quit her entitled brattery, we are going to spend a week living like we did five years ago so she can understand what life used to be like. Tinned spaghetti for days on end, no lightbulbs, no tablet, no TV, no taxis, no trains, bag up and give away toys and clothes to charity, and go volunteer in a homeless shelter or food bank for the week. It would be grim as all hell but maybe it's the shock she needs to really understand her privilege? I don't understand where it's come from - she sees her dad on weekends and his family make a few jibes about me being 'loaded', but I mean, we don't even have a car and we rent our house. I dress in H&M and charity shops, am not flash with money, and cannot believe the crap she is coming out with right now. Am I being unreasonable?

Hmm maybe I'm being thick but I'm still quite confused.Thanks anyway for the response and for not swearing at me for the crime of not reading the whole thread pennycarb

I don't think a lot of that is normal behaviour for a 9nyear old.

having bit if a strop maybe but not saying I hate you or drawing on things on purpose.

to me it sounds like lack of empathy and not dealing the world doesn't resolve around her.

There s probably a lot of frustration there if you keep banging on about how hard you had it, how careful you need to be with money. Maybe your daughter knows you have more money but is frustrated by you being frugal.
Her peers probably get on at her about having this and that....ive heard my daughter's friend bang on about holidays and devices etc infront of her and it can make children feel shit.
Of course saying she hates you etc is out or order and she needs to learn to be grateful but she could earn more pocket money for herself by doing chores etc. 10p sounds a bit tight tbh.

Op I feel all of your pain, I have about 2 years on you with my darling 11 yr old son, who can also act like an utter twat at times too.

Someone said to me the other day that they test boundaries with us because this then gives them the grounding they need to be civilised humans away from the home.

I should imagine, at 9, she is having a lot of internal debates with herself currently, and the hormones are beginning to drip in also, and she is acting in frustration because although she thinks she knows it all, she actually doesn't.

You sound like you are doing all the right things, and I know you probably want to throttle her, but just keep on swimming and stay consistent 😊

Lawks. Nobody reads the thread do they?

No they don't OP, everyone is a 'psychologist' these days, even when they can't be bothered to read the full background. Perhaps they haven't grasped the concept of reading,

Don't worry some people love to live in 'cotton wool land' and be holier than thou.

Chin up you've done nothing wrong imo.

Lawks. Nobody reads the thread do they?

Sorry, I didn't see the bit about the chores being from 10p and how small some of them were. I was thinking more like "hoover your room for 10p" would be more likely to get done as "hoover all of upstairs for £1".

I suppose the original question was is that week idea unreasonable?

I strongly disagree with charity shopping all the toys and clothes as that will make her resentful. Also, you will be doing yourself out of selling it later when she has grown out of the stuff and her of the process of letting go of it appropriately when she has.

My mother never got over her mother getting rid of a lot of her stuff and while she didn't exactly turn into a hoarder, she accumulated a lot of stuff and in a smaller house it would have looked like hoarding, and she found it hard to get rid of a lot of things. I know other people who have large collections of certain types of thing they were forced to get rid of as kids. Full-blown hoarding is associated with experiences of loss and trauma.

However, the going without some stuff for a week and especially doing volunteering... As long as it is done nicely rather than angrily, I fail to see why that is really any worse than going camping to a site with basic facilities, and the beds at home will be more comfortable.

@blehh Have you talked to your therapist about this? As you are in therapy, your therapist will know you, your background etc and could talk it through with you.

Also, why is your DD in anger management?

For what its worth I think you're doing a fantastic job. I hope you have been able to get something of use from the thread.

I think some of this, as PP have said, could be her DF stirring things up? which is a bit bloody awful of him if he is considering what you have done to help him. Are you able to speak to him about her attitude towards things?

I wonder if now she is coming into year 5 you need a different approach. Maybe increase the weekly pocket money but from that she pays for every extra she wants comics/sweets at cinema games etc.

Does she currently earn a lot from extra chores? I would stop the paying for chores but make it absolutely clear a list of chores that have to be done on a weekly/daily basis. (which I'm sure you have anyway) any attitude or refusal will result in deductions from the pocket money.
Similarly broken things will not be replaced, lost things will only be replaced if they are urgent then at a deduction from her pocket money.

Its not unreasonable to expect things like cups brought down from the room etc without paying them to do it.

You're definitely coming into the age of resentment and 'I hate you's' so whilst the austerity week would be a good learning experience for her I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it in the way its meant and might make things more difficult for you in the long run if she holds onto the grudge.

Good luck

Lawks. Nobody reads the thread do they?

Ohhhh the irony! You aren’t engaging with posters giving you advice when you asked for it. For that alone you are being bloody unreasonable.

One of my friends is a single parent. His eldest is 19 now and she lives with him. He's had a good job, but he had a serious health issue a couple of years ago, and still isn't recovered. His eldest is working, on pretty good money now, and has just had a £2k pay rise.
He was daft enough to say before she started work that he didn't want to take board from her. He's now in dire straits financially, on benefits and she's clearing over £1k a month and isn't giving him a penny. l couldn't do that.
He told me she'd spent over £7k up to May this year on the usual, shoes, makeup, clothes, holidays, etc, and he's in debt and struggling. She's bright enough to know that, but isn't contributing. She was staying with her mum, but when her mum asked her to pay £40 a month (!) she moved back in with her dad.
They need to know from being young that things cost. We don't do them any favours by treating them like that. She's talking about getting a flat on her own, which is going to be a hell of a rude awakening.
Be firm now, you don't have to go back to the foodbank days, but by making her realise that you can't live for free, you're doing her a huge favour. She might not see it like that now, but she might thank you for it in the future.

The "I hate you" "phase" isn't" an inevitable phase though. I'm a bit at all the climbing up the OP's bottom. In what way fantastic? Her child is more than usually entitled, the OP is incredibly defensive, and calls her kid a twat. The kid's 9 not 15, the behaviour she describes isn't remotely par for the course at 9.

The op works all hours for very little money and has somehow, for some inexplicable reason, convinced her child and her ex that she's rich. It's all quite weird and messed up and full of internal contradiction.

Think you are getting money mixed up with bad behaviour. Being given lots of material things does not make children ungrateful or unappreciative. It's a separate issue.

Could she be lonely or unhappy about something? Or the ex causing problems? Sounds like maybe she needs to spend more time out of the house/with other children, it must be quite intense living with one parent.

@blueskies ive literally never claimed to be rich. i eat tesco value beans ffs and dress from charity shops!

I guess we have tried to read most of it?

How could you look at your child after calling her a twat, disgusting..

My 10yr old enjoys a maccy what I don't do is sit next to her telling her how grateful she should be, how much it cost, never saw a maccy when I was a kid, enjoy your burger I have some beans and so on, sound familiar OP.

Stop living as if you are still impoverished. The way you pay 10p per chore, buy second hand clothes, share sweets at the cinema is likely to embarrass your daughter. Your budget allows for new clothes and a bag of sweets each. Let her enjoy spending on treats.

This ^

I think there’s a huge difference between not having things because you (as a family) can’t afford them and not having things when you could afford them but you’ve got some arbitrary rule of only buying comics on every 3rd Tuesday or whatever.

I still have huge resentment towards my parents for making me wear 2nd hand clothes even though they knew I was being bullied because of it, and never taking me to a theme park or other child-centred day out when I was growing up, not because they couldn’t afford to but because they didn’t believe in spending more money than was absolutely necessary on children, but they were happy to spend tons of money on stuff for themselves.

Gosh, I honestly can't see what is wrong with sharing sweets at the cinema! On other threads posters throw up their hands at children being allowed sweets at all unless it's the 8th Friday of the month and a full moon. It's quite normal to share a cinema snack.

Other children do not know or care if their peers' clothes are from charity shops. Charity shops are often full of nice stuff for kids from supermarkets, M&S, Boden, etc.

The OP is frustrated by her dd's rudeness and attitude towards her and the lady who cleans for them. She is also not keeping her child in poverty while she has lots of treats for herself. Her 9 year old has a tablet! That is very privileged!

OP - I think you are right to be concerned because it is not normal behaviour but I think consistently explaining why that behaviour is unacceptable and hurtful alongside a strong consequence such as losing tablet privileges as you did before will eventually get the message across. No, obviously you don't want this attitude to continue but you are consistently pulling her up on it and punishing it, rather than accepting it.

I think you need to to stop enabling your husband financially. This will allow you to save more and thus feel less stressed and hopefully he will ease back on the loaded comments. £22k a year is hardly loaded so it sounds like he is trickling poison into your daughters ears.

I would stop the money for chores I think and just expect her to help. And I would stop the treats and tell her I don't want to buy her a comic when she is so rude to me.

It's so hard when they push like this. It's normal to go through horrible bratty phases but nothing wrong with cracking down on it

I've read the thread and am quite interested to know your response op!

Nobody reads the thread do they? And the op doesn't answer questions, does she?

You have been asked by multiple people why your daughter is having anger management counseling at 9, and haven't supplied an answer. You are not obliged to, of course. But that information might help us understand where she is & why she is reacting how she is.

blehh I think you're right,your daughter is a twat of the highest order,even though you are the perfect mother, and you should punish her for having a bit more than you did as a child growing up, by giving all her things to charity and making her sit (will she be allowed a chair) in the dark eating cold spaghetti hoops for a week.That'll learn her!
Is this what you want to hear? Because it seems that whatever anyone suggests to you you either say that you've already done that(and I can see you rolling your eyes when you say it,don't think I can't) or you get really defensive.So why ask people's opinion if you clearly don't care what people think unless they're agreeing with you? You come across as one confused and unreasonable individual to me,and I think you should look to yourself as to why your daughter acts up like she does and stop taking it out on other people.