to think my 9 year old is an entitled twat

[blehh]

I grew up in poverty. Parents sharing a tin of beans for dinner, sharing a bedroom with my brother in a flat so small it can't even legally be let as a dwelling any more. We never had holidays, spent summer at 20p church hall clubs, and clothes were from charity shops. As an adult I have been through some hard times, literal starvation for days.

I have a 9 year old daughter. She won't remember but we have queued at food banks and soup kitchens together. I have missed meals so she could eat. We had a hard few years for a while.

Now I have a great job and earn well, and I have tried very hard not to spoil her. It's tempting sometimes, because I can if I want to. She gets the occasional comic, we have McDonalds once a month or so, new clothes when required but half of them from charity shops. We give back to charity shops, always stop at homeless people and buy them a sandwich, and have nice days out. I didn't get her a tablet computer until a couple of months ago. We still eat the value range foods because I am cautious.

So I have been surprised lately by her awful, entitled attitude and I don't know if or how to nip it in the bud. She sulks if I say no to a comic. She demands I buy her things in the shop and shouts at me when I say no. She puts things in my shopping basket and tells me she hates me when I take them out. She loses coats and jumpers and lunchboxes on a regular basis and retorts "well you have loads of money, buy me a new one!". We go to the cinema once or twice a month, and share a pick n mix as a treat, and she has started to get gobby about not wanting to share. She tore a school library book up.

I encourage her to do chores for pocket money - 10p at a time - but there are also basics that are expected, like making her bed and picking her clothes up and not littering. She has started to refuse to help around the house at all.

This week she refused to make her bed, saying 'well Barbie can do it' (Barbie is my friend who does 2 hours cleaning a week - she started when I had a nasty accident - I don't really need her any more but feel it would be rude to let her go!). I bollocked her for it and said that Barbie is not here to do her bedroom, that's her responsibility. (I keep my house pretty immaculate, and always make sure it is tidy for Barbie, so she did not learn that attitude from me!)

She breaks toys and doesnt take care of them. She doodled on a brand new rug with permanent pen and shrugged when confronted. Her attitude absolutely stinks.

I lost my cool today and told her that if she doesn't quit her entitled brattery, we are going to spend a week living like we did five years ago so she can understand what life used to be like. Tinned spaghetti for days on end, no lightbulbs, no tablet, no TV, no taxis, no trains, bag up and give away toys and clothes to charity, and go volunteer in a homeless shelter or food bank for the week. It would be grim as all hell but maybe it's the shock she needs to really understand her privilege? I don't understand where it's come from - she sees her dad on weekends and his family make a few jibes about me being 'loaded', but I mean, we don't even have a car and we rent our house. I dress in H&M and charity shops, am not flash with money, and cannot believe the crap she is coming out with right now. Am I being unreasonable?

Absolutely address the bratty behaviour. But I don't think trying to make her feel grateful for not living in abject poverty is the way forward.

When my dc kept losing her lunchbox I started sending her into school with a plastic carrier bag with her lunch in. I used to buy them expensive thermos lunchbox so could have nice food and it would stay hot. I point blank refused to replace anything within one academic year if it was lost when I found myself buying new things constantly because dc lost her things.

She lost her coat and I marched her to lost property to find it and made her search the school till she did.

Didn’t replace PE kit either she had to make do with an old one till the following year.

She learned not to lose things.

I was also a single parent at the time and living frugally.

I have a thing where we do pay day treats so dc get one thing on pay day (or I surprise them with a treat), we discuss food and what they want to eat during the week and menu plan accordingly. I tell them when to expect take out or eating out so they have something to look forward to.

I suspect it’s a mix between hormones and your ex’s family stirring.

Her acting out should be punished, breaking/defacing things and losing things should have consequences. But also give her a bit of autonomy over her life, plan meals and ask her what she wants to do. Give her pocket money and tell her once it’s spent that’s it till next month. Tell her you need money to pay bills and for clothes and food the house you live in.

I also think volunteering won’t hurt her actually and showing her what life could be like may be a good lesson for her.

I've noticed people who have grown up very poor and have then become rich often have spoilt and lazy children. Probably because the parents know what life is like without money so want to make sure their children never suffer in the same way.
Anyway I think you're smart to nip this behaviour in the bud. If she rips up a book she has to replace it with her own money. If she doesn't want to share a bag of sweets she doesn't get any etc.
Try not to worry. I'm sure it's just a phase.

@60sname but we DID live in abject poverty. and i hold down three jobs now to ensure we no longer DO.

10p is fair, I don’t pay my dd anything for doing chores. She’s gets £5 a week to attend youth club and buy a few snacks.

You need to carry out your threat. She sounds like she’s testing you.

I wouldn't go as far as you suggest mainly because it's I think it would be a temporary solution to a long term problem. Yes she would think that week was awful but How long would it improve her behaviour for I'm not sure. Personally I would clamp down on all behaviour as it's happening. She kicks off because you won't buy the treat she wants no treats are brought. She moans about the pic n mix then there is no pic n mix! Treats are rewards for good behaviour they can come back when her behaviour improves. I would stop all the nice things you do and bring them back when she shows some understanding for why you do things this way.

I grew up very poor and my kids live like kings compared to what i had. I noticed a couple of years ago that they were becoming very entitled.

The more i gave them, the more they expected, the less they appreciated anything they got.

I also got comments on how loaded i was. Im not loaded at all, we do ok but im far from rich. I no longer tolerate any comments on my money. Its disrespectful and the children now know my money is none of their business. They were punished for tantrums or cheeky behaviour - no tablet, loss of pocket money etc

I limited treats to Fridays and made it clear they wouldn't get anything else so they learned to stop asking. I also give them money for chores. I realised they don't need so many toys or days out to expensive parks. Basically just pulled back on everything.

Nothing changed overnight but with consistency, and you have to be consistent, they eventually became less spoiled.

**"I've noticed people who have grown up very poor and have then become rich often have spoilt and lazy children. Probably because the parents know what life is like without money so want to make sure their children never suffer in the same way."

But I deliberately dont spoil her!

Is her dad encouraging her, I wonder?

YANBU, she’s being a brat of the highest order. Your austerity week is an excellent idea. Reintroduce luxurious gradually to emphasise how lucky she is to have a comfortable life and that demanding things is unpleasant and unfruitful.

Is she getting teased for wearing charity shop clothes? Or just not having the in items?

Maybe give her a bit of pocket money and explain anything extra comes from that? So if she needs something replacing or to pay for the library book or the comic or whatever.

10p is not worth the bother unless it's really short tasks like wipe the bathroom sink or something, say a magazine or something is £5 she'd need to do 50 chores... How long would that even take? Does she even have that many available?!

First of its difficult to understand how privileged you are when its simply normal to you. You know what its like to not be - she doesnt and that difference I think is making you drive a wedge between the two of you

I agree with abitlost OP to a certain extent it is normal at this age - its a time when they are really having to come to terms with the fact that they are growing up and its does make for some challenging behaviour. Outside of the bed everything in your other paragraph is normal!

You do need to separate out though what is linked to your past and what is her acting out

And it is one of the perils of modern society everything is instant, there is someone willing to do something for you if you can pay has started to make everyone a bit entitled. Everything can be easily replaced - you break a kettle/toaster simply buy a new one

when she said her tablet was stupid i told her it cost me 27 hours of work. i confiscated it and made her do 27 minutes of chores. then told her to imagine doing that SIXTY TIMES to earn the 'stupid tablet' back.

i'm definitely not a soft touch!

@cheshirecat her school uniform and shoes are all new.

OP she is 9 she has no concept of what you went through to keep you both afloat. There is no context for her to understand what that means.

You need to stop trying to make her suffer like you clearly still do. I know it must have been very stressful and worrying and traumatic for you and you did a fantastic job getting through it but life is better now why can't you enjoy it?

Her rudeness although normal is another matter though and should be disciplined. But by forcing her to feel ashamed by removing everything like you describe is the wrong way to go about it. Infact i woupd say that was borderline emotional abuse.

Is she at school with a lot of kids who get bought or allowed to watch whatever they want?

I like fuzzywuzzy’s post.

I also have experienced being very poor. We are now very comfortable and I refuse to let my kids be entitled. You just have to keep up the fight. Our favourite past time is rummaging in charity shops and he will only get a comic if he does well at school or does something extra special/kind.

I do wonder if her friends behaviour might be rubbing off on her? I definitely notice my son’s behaviour is influenced by one of his friends in particular.

Anyway my advice is to keep saying no and deal with the fallout. At some point you’ll have raised a reasonable adult and this will all be history.

YABVU to call your 9 year old CHILD a twat!
I hope you've not called her that to her face.

@cheshirecat they are all literally a minutes work each and can be done daily. they are extra for pocket money topups, she gets £5 a week as well.

I wonder, given how keen you have been to remind her where you both came from, whether she is actually quite anxious about poverty and in a childish way 'testing' you and your finances?

It’s hard because her childhood experiences now are very different to yours, so she has no comparison. She isn’t intentionally behaving badly she just doesn’t know how fortunate she is. I had a similar childhood to what you describe so I know where you are coming from.

@cammie of course not, jesus

You said you are cautious. Because of your upbringing it might be that you are vocalising financial decisions a lot, and inadvertently making purchases ‘guilt laden’. Buy her something or don’t, but don’t go into the ins and outs of poverty or current finances, that’s too sophisticated for a pre-teen. Do give her her own spendz, not tied to chores, and her own chores, that are expected not paid, and then do let her earn extra if you want. And most importantly, do occasionally treat her - and yourself -with material things, as well as in other ways, because she will recognise that this is part of our culture and she may internalise that you don’t love her. In short, she’s showing you there is a problem - meet her in the middle.

OP, I'd keep on doing what you're doing. She'll come out of it eventually.

@hotstickytired its the first ive mentioned it, after weeks of this. so no.

I think what you want to do is too drastic for the situation. She's just testing boundaries, so why not respond immediately to those rather than make it a whole' you're spoiled' type thing. So- spoiled library book (how did that happen?)- have to pay half for a new one. If she loses a lunch box, there's only bags for a week or two. If she says 'Barbie can do it', just say 'no, I expect you to do it' and perhaps you won't be able to go out til the chores are done.

By expecting her to see the bigger picture, you are on a hiding to nothing.

My mum used to say to me 'try to catch them being good'. At the moment, you are catching her being bad and making it about her whole personality- I would try to reverse the negativity, be really firm about any rudeness or destruction of property, and go about your business in a happy manner.

Unleashing some type of poverty week won't work as she's just acting up a bit like lots of kids do, mine moan and don't do all their chores within seconds, just stand firm without being cross and see what happens.