Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your child gets invited to the cinema, you should pay for the ticket?

199 replies

sissy89 · 26/07/2018 08:35

Just wondering really....

Dh had planned to take his teenage daughter (my step daughter) out for tea and the cinema last night.

The other day she text Dh and asked if she could bring a friend along.

Dh replied with 'that's fine as long as she clears it with her parents and she can pay for herself'

Not meaning to be tight but money is tight for us right now dh was paying for it all with some cash he has and wouldn't have enough to pay for an extra person.

Dsd replied saying she was currently at that particular friends house and her mum said it was fine and thanked Dh for taking her etc.

Anyway they went last night and dh rang me later that night to say he was on his way home and they had a great time but the friend had brought no money with her so Dh paid for it all on the bank card.

Now I'm not saying anyone is to blame to be honest. Dh really should of had a chat with the mother to make sure she knew that she was more than welcome to come but he couldn't pay for her. Instead of relying on dsd to pass it on. My feeling is dsd never actually said that she would have to pay for herself.

However.....is that what happens these days? I know when I used to get invited out as a child, my mum would always give me the money for it to pay for myself. Sometimes the parents would take it and sometimes they wouldn't.

I'm a few years off this yet with my dcs, but again, I'd never expect another parent to pay for them when taking them out. I'd always make sure they had enough money to cover the cost.

Dh really should of just said no to begin with so it's a lesson learnt really.

But it just got me thinking, if your child gets invited to the cinema or whatever activity....do you pay for it or is it expected that the other parent pays as they invited the child?

OP posts:
Kool4katz · 26/07/2018 10:15

It's so very English to make up your own bizarre rules of supposed etiquette and then assume everybody else knows the rules that you've just made up. Grin

I'm English but no longer live there and I realised as a child that you should always be clear in your communications with others to limit the opportunity for misunderstandings. DH should have spoken to the parent directly and explained that he was happy for the friend to accompany his DD but they would need to cover the associated costs of approx. ££.

It's not rude, it's not difficult and it works.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/07/2018 10:17

Tbf, op, you did make several comments of the “he should have spoken directly to the parents, we know now that’s where he went wrong” variety.
And then got all indignant when it was pointed out how crass that would have been, saying “dh would never do that, he’s not that type of person”...

MargaretCavendish · 26/07/2018 10:19

The problem with the “you should always pay!” line it that it means children of parents without much money never get the fun of going to the pictures with a friend.

But it balances out very quickly, surely - your child only has to go to the cinema twice with the same friend (once with you, once with their parent) before you've paid for two tickets whether everyone pays for their own child every time (so you've bought one ticket on two occasions) or the accompanying parent pays (so you've bought two tickets once). The actual problem is that the cinema is so expensive that many parents couldn't afford either option comfortably, but unless you're expecting charity from richer families (which is a nice thing to do but can't be reasonably expected) there's not really a way round that, sadly.

TheShapeOfEwe · 26/07/2018 10:20

If I extended an invitation I would always pay for the invitee, and if I couldn't pay I wouldn't invite them. That said I wouldn't mind at all if someone asked me to pay for an invite of money was tight, so I don't think you were unreasonable to ask. I think you're right that DSD just didn't pass the message on to her friend.

amicissimma · 26/07/2018 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonutCone · 26/07/2018 10:26

Can you not imagine how cringe worthy it would have felt for a 15 year old to say to her friend 'hey, do you want to come with me to the cinema with my Dad but you have to pay for yourself'.

I think when you have lots of children you have to factor this sort of thing in.

BertrandRussell · 26/07/2018 10:26

“but unless you're expecting charity from richer families (which is a nice thing to do but can't be reasonably expected) there's not really a way round that, sadly.”

That’s assuming that the children won’t have a better time going together than they would going separately. I can easily afford a cinema ticket for a child’s friend - and my child would prefer to have a friend along. I wouldn’t have the slightest problem with someone saying “We’d love X to come but can’t afford to buy his ticket”. I can understand that might be difficult to say that, but I can’t understand why you would mind having it said to you.

Original poster
sissy89 · 26/07/2018 10:27

Yes I still think he should of spoken to the parents when dsd sent the message. Not turning up at the door demanding money like it's made out to be!

Even if he did speak to the parents, he wouldn't of been like 'oh you need to pay for her' etc etc. It would of been a case of she's more than welcome to come but would of been openly honest at the fact that dsd and her friend had planned this themselves and unfortunately just at this time, it's abit tricky for him to pay for her. Embarrassing? Yes absolutely but that's just the way it is.

The reply he got from dsd was it was fine for the friend to come and that the mother said thanks and will make sure her dd had some money with her.

So somewhere along the line, it's been miscommunication.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 26/07/2018 10:28

I always cover the cost. If parents won't take it then I'll pop money through letter box with a note.

If kids friends come somewhere with us I'll pay for them.

BertrandRussell · 26/07/2018 10:28

“Can you not imagine how cringe worthy it would have felt for a 15 year old to say to her friend 'hey, do you want to come with me to the cinema with my Dad but you have to pay for yourself'.”

Nope. Not cringeworthy at all. And just checked with teen ds. Seems perfectly OK to him too.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/07/2018 10:31

But you and your kids aren’t the majority, Bertrand, as much as you like to portray them as the poster kids for right on progressiveness.
Most kids would have found it embarrassing, whether in an ideal world they should have or not.

Original poster
sissy89 · 26/07/2018 10:34

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar but that's life. Surely it's not right for children to just expect adults are made of money? I'd always pay for my children to go places with their friends but my children will never grow up thinking they can just add friends to an outing and I'm fine to just pay for it all?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 26/07/2018 10:35

I wouldn’t have the slightest problem with someone saying “We’d love X to come but can’t afford to buy his ticket”. I can understand that might be difficult to say that, but I can’t understand why you would mind having it said to you.

I think that's kind and generous and I hope I'd do the same, but I think realistically for a lot of people it would rankle if the arrangement was 'when you take the kids out you pay for both of them, when I take them you pay for yours'. Again, it's a bit like rounds - in theory it would be nice for the richer person to just pay for all the drinks if the money means a lot less to them, but most people wouldn't think that was an ok ongoing arrangement and want to take turns. People don't like feeling taken advantage of, even if there is a big income discrepancy.

BertrandRussell · 26/07/2018 10:37

I have no idea whether he in a majority and I am not trying to portray him as anything- he’s just currently my only available teenager.

How do you know he doesn’t represent the majority? In my experience kids are much less hung up about money than grown ups are.....

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/07/2018 10:39

Fair enough, I don’t. Maybe I’m just projecting.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/07/2018 10:39

Polite to at least offer to pay and then the inviter can decline if they so wish.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/07/2018 10:41

On the 'friends with different incomes' question, surely each invites their friends to activities they (the host family) can afford to host. So, you do fancier things with friend x, more playing at home with friend y - but, the important thing, is friends get to spend time together and reciprocate invitations.

The tension here is with the dd having been brought up in more wealth at her dm's house, so not being tuned in to her df's family's circumstances. It must be a bit of a balancing act for her to think 'if I'm arranging from mum's I can easily invite friend x to the cinema but, if it's from dad's I can't'.

If she'd always lived with her dad, she might have been motivated to get a part-time job to gain spending money and a touch of independence but, as more is provided at dm's, she's never felt the need.

SandyY2K · 26/07/2018 10:42

I would send my own child with money just in case, but if my child's friend came along I'd pay for them. I'd feel uncomfortable as the adult letting the child pay.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 26/07/2018 10:42

If we as parents invited a friend of our children to join us, we always expected to pay for them. Your dsd ‘invited’ her friend. Whether the friend asked to tag along or not is irrelevant, she was invited by your dsd as this wasn’t an arrangement made by her parents for you (or your DH) to ‘look after’ her, it was a social event.
Suck it up and next time say no.

SugarIsAmazing · 26/07/2018 10:44

Whoever invites pays. I wouldn't dream of asking someone to pay if I asked for them to come!

ShumpaLumpa · 26/07/2018 10:47

THE OTHER CHILD WAS NOT INVITED

Yes, the dad said they could come but it was on the understanding the friend would pay. There has been a failure of communication between DSD and friend but all these people chiming in saying they wouldn't dream of asking someone to pay if invited are not helpful.

RTFT.

Twillow · 26/07/2018 10:47

I would always send money to cover a ticket along, whether its asked for or not. However, its probably about 75% of parents who do that in return.
In a teenager's case, you would think they would have the nouse to bring some cash to pay, however, they simply may not have had any and it may not have been forthcoming from their own parents. So unless expressly asked for, it can't be definitely expected.

Trinity66 · 26/07/2018 10:48

Anytime we've brought the kids friends to the cinema we've paid but most times the kids will have been given money and offer it. I'd imagine the step daughter never told the friend she had to pay for herself because otherwise that's pretty cheeky if she had told her

SandyY2K · 26/07/2018 10:51

Yes I still think he should of spoken to the parents when dsd sent the message.

I don't agree really. From the response from DSD, he should have asked her "did you yell her she needs to pay for her own ticket?"

I don't expect he needed to speak with the mother.

beachysandy81 · 26/07/2018 10:51

I probably wouldn't invite a child along if I couldn't afford to pay for them. I would never not offer to pay either though.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread