To ask if your child gets invited to the cinema, you should pay for the ticket?

[sissy89]

Just wondering really....

Dh had planned to take his teenage daughter (my step daughter) out for tea and the cinema last night.

The other day she text Dh and asked if she could bring a friend along.

Dh replied with 'that's fine as long as she clears it with her parents and she can pay for herself'

Not meaning to be tight but money is tight for us right now dh was paying for it all with some cash he has and wouldn't have enough to pay for an extra person.

Dsd replied saying she was currently at that particular friends house and her mum said it was fine and thanked Dh for taking her etc.

Anyway they went last night and dh rang me later that night to say he was on his way home and they had a great time but the friend had brought no money with her so Dh paid for it all on the bank card.

Now I'm not saying anyone is to blame to be honest. Dh really should of had a chat with the mother to make sure she knew that she was more than welcome to come but he couldn't pay for her. Instead of relying on dsd to pass it on. My feeling is dsd never actually said that she would have to pay for herself.

However.....is that what happens these days? I know when I used to get invited out as a child, my mum would always give me the money for it to pay for myself. Sometimes the parents would take it and sometimes they wouldn't.

I'm a few years off this yet with my dcs, but again, I'd never expect another parent to pay for them when taking them out. I'd always make sure they had enough money to cover the cost.

Dh really should of just said no to begin with so it's a lesson learnt really.

But it just got me thinking, if your child gets invited to the cinema or whatever activity....do you pay for it or is it expected that the other parent pays as they invited the child?

As 'time for just them' the cinema is a poor choice really - it's not like they can chat, and it's expensive. Teenagers are more interested in their mates and looking right, than in their parents, so this sort of situation is inevitable.

When I had a DSS we barely saw him once he was 15, just made sure he had money, his phone and gave him lifts as required. Maybe your DH should have dropped the two friends off (what film did she want to see that he also wanted to see anyway?), gone for a drink, then picked them up, dropped off the friend and taken his DD for a lemonade so he could have a catch up with her.

Teenagers never pass on messages either, so you'll have to get used to that part too!

I always pay and return any money given to the child. I always offer to pay someone taking my child out but the parent has always said no. I think it's polite to offer

So it’s OK to accept invitAtions you can’t re iprocate, but no to say “We’d love X to come with us, but i’m afraid we can’t afford to pay”...........

Omg where have you all for 'asking for the money on the doorstep' from lol???

Dh picked the girls up from dsds house if you all must know and would never ever of asked for the money. If the friend never paid then he wouldn't of asked her for it as he knew that would just make things awkward.

Honestly you are all making him sound like some sort of money grabbing twat when actually he is the most loving father who does everything he can for his dsd but gets it thrown back in his face quite often. At least he is a dad that tries his hardest. He spent 4 hours driving last night for that trip.

A big deal has not been made out of it. Nothing has been said and nothing will be said. Not to dsd. Not to the friend. Not to the friends parents. It's not a big deal.

All it did was get me wondering how it works these days that's all.

Typical it gets turned into a massive debate and I get told I'm this and that.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn you can seriously f**k right off with your comment. Yes I'm expecting and yes money is tight. Dh business has just collapsed due to him being being let down big time by something that was not his fault at all.... this is all since I've been pregnant. Is that enough info for you? Or would you like anything else? Like how much our mortgage is?

OP - Just ignore the 2 or 3 posters who now having a go at you!

I would assume the family inviting my DD would be paying (for relatively small trips like cinema/swimming/bowling) but would send her with a tenner for sweets etc as a gesture.

I wouldn't dream of asking one of DD's friends to pay if we'd invited them.

@Beeziekn33ze I will from now on. It's just frustrating how a simple question can get turned into something like this.

People just assuming my dh would turn up at the door demanding the money lol.

And to be told we shouldn't be having a baby if we can't afford a cinema ticket - that's hurtful as we have been having such a hard time lately. Our pregnancy wasn't planned but we were incredibly happy and more than financially stable. Since then everything has gone down hill for us through no fault of our own.

All I was asking is what's the norm these days! Time to sign off. The amount of judgement on here is unreal.

To be honest, you should be focusing on the bigger picture if you can't afford the extra cost of one ticket yet are adding another child to an already large blended family.

WTF!

Its also fairly normal to expect to take a DC and their friend out a few times a year, so you really should be factoring that into your budget. Perfectly normal for parents to put a few pounds away over the year so they can treat the children in the summer holidays. Tbh, even the poorest families I know do this (albeit they might choose inviting friends to a day out at a beach with a picnic and an ice cream rather than an expensive cinema trip and dinner)

It's part of parenting. It's a bit worrying that your DSD has got to teen years, and your DH doesn't know the etiquette here yet - has he been neglecting this area of your DSDs life?

I would always send money with my own child and refuse to accept money from someone else's, like most people have said. Unless the parent was one of my closest friends and we had agreed beforehand that one parent would be supervising/driving and we would be paying for our own.

In a situation such as yours OP I would have said to my daughter "I wish we could but I don't have the money to do that." and left it at that.

The 'norm' is to send the teen with money, which they should then offer and the parent taking on the trip can either take it or refuse.

I have not yet come across a single teen who has been out with us who did not bring money with them and offer to pay for themself. As I said before unless it was something expensive and pre agreed with parent I would pay for the other dc. However my dd has on one occasion paid for herself when a parent took them as they were literally the chauffeur and the teens all paid for themselves at said activity.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar- she has NEVER been invited to do anything with her friends parents. Their child has been to the cinema multiple times for days out, and for dinner out, lunches out and they have never reciprocated. Not for my DD or any other children.

Boxsetsandpopcorn- wind your neck in. Vile person.

Boxsets OP doesn't mention other DC. Are you stalking her other threads?

Ate you suggesting she shouldn't have a baby because she has a 15yo DSD? Because that would be stupid.

I think that there are certain reciprocal friendships where its unspoken that the inviting family pays, knowing it will all net out in the end.

But if I didn't know the invitee I would send the DC with cash, and if I couldn't afford it they wouldn't go.

I took a DC's friend to a local fair, I'd made it clear it was my treat, however they still sent money just in case. As it happens DC's friend wanted to have a go on the side shows (hook a duck) and I don't usually allow mine to (they still have goldfish as a prize which I majorly disagree with) so she used her own money for that.

The friend's parent should have given child money to pay for her ticket and snacks. It was rude not to at least offer.
However, I wonder if she gave daughter money but daughter chose to pocket it?

My friend and I regularly take each other's DC out on trips with our own. It is the norm for the other parent to give the host parent money to cover the event plus snacks etc. Friend has more DC than me so it would be inequitable if I always covered the full cost and as a SAHM, I take her DC out more often as friend works F/T. This works well for us as it's clear and there's no worry or ill feeling.

The only time we don't take money is when the event is part of a planned birthday or similar and it's made clear that we won't be taking money off friend.

OP, to go back to your original question, I would always assume that the person inviting pays, but would always offer to pay my/DC's share if I'm the invitee then if they accept the money I think 'gosh, how rude'

i would give my child the money to go, you have to teach them to pay their own way in life, i wouldn't expect anyone to pay for me let alone my child.

I invite I pay. But I send dcs with money and tell them that if their hosts won't accept payment, the dcs are to use the money to buy drinks for everyone.
If I'm providing a taxi service everyone pays themselves.

@mrsm43s oh ffs no he has not been neglecting that part of dsds life. Why are you trying to bring my husband down so much?? Get a kick out of it do you?

Dsd lived 5 mins away from us until 3 years ago when she moved just over an hour away.

Every weekend dh goes to collect her and brings her back. Or now it's more eow as now she has a social life and that's fine. We let dsd decide when she does and doesn't want to come.

When she does come and stay, she is always made aware that she is welcome to bring a friend etc. However she never does. She uses the time with us to catch up with her primary school friends as well as her cousins on dhs side. She has regular sleepovers etc with her friends and cousins at our house.....and guess what? We even buy them all a takeaway without expecting them to pay!!! We thought about charging them all per slice of pizza that they ate but aren't so skint that we need to do that yet....

If dsd goes out with her primary school friends when she's with us then we do give her the money to go. As that's what I would do, even if another parent was organising it out of politeness. This has happened a few times over the years and this is what we have done. Like I say, my own dcs aren't at that stage yet.

My answer is more than likely not good enough for you and you will find something else to try bring myself or my dh down about. Next you will be asking how much cm he pays......

I invite so I pay. If a child has money with it then I may steer it towards paying for a drink or snack.

I will take DD’s best friend into London next week. I pay for tickets and lunch but I know the girl will have money with her so gift shops, shopping spree at Lush will be covered by her.

If DD is invited I always give her enough money for tickets and food and she takes money to spend on non-essentials. 90% of the times offers to pay are refused but I would never assume it.

If we invited another child, I’d pay for them

I'd always send my child with the cash to pay for their ticket. The cinema is expensive. I wouldn't expect someone else to pay.

I wonder whether part of the problem here is that the fact DSD has two families complicates reciprocation? By that I mean that if this friend's family had taken her out previously they might not send money because they'd assume it was the same deal - parent pays - but that's sort of an implicit deal they've struck with her mum, not with you? So from your point of view you've treated this child and got nothing back, but in theirs this is part of an ongoing exchange and so it's unreasonable to expect them to pay - a bit like doing rounds and then suddenly declaring them over when it's your turn.