Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

[Flashingbeacon]

I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

I’m so sorry but she has massive boundary issues.

Why the fuck should he have to recuperate at granny’s when he could (and should) be at home?

Can I suggest that you look into FOG? (Fear obligation guilt)

You might find it helpful

She's probably worried, but that's absolutely no excuse to control what happens to your son.

Also, make sure the hospital and nurses know he is ONLY to go home with you and DH. Warn that your DM might show up and make life difficult. They can and will have her removed.

Thing is she had a high profile responsibil job where hundreds of people took her word as gospel so it’s hard to believe she’s wrong. I know it’s not right but hard to believe.

I don’t want ds to be getting pulled between us when he’s not well though. I’d rather take that pressure off him.

Also thank you for reading and replying. I’m crying into my cup of tea because you’ve taken the time. I never cry but I don’t know what else to do.

Your DS will want you, not her.

Your mum is pressuring you into doing what suits her, not what suits you or DS at all.

Stick to your plans, text her and tell her straight that DS will be at home with you and DH (where he should be) and it isn't up for discussion. The fight that comes with it is absolutely necessary - you need to start laying the ground rules now before things get any worse.

He will yes, and I feel guilty enough about not being able to take 2 weeks off. I am doing seriously compressed hours though.

Even stupid things like dms house is white throughout, she’s talking about covering carpets and the couch in case he’s sick and moving his bed into the 1 non carpeted room. My house is much more “lived in” and I’ve washed more sick of the couch than I care to remember.

I feel completely spineless. I know what you all are saying. Just tell her no. But she’s never heard no. I’m pathetic.

no you are NOT 'pathetic' don't be so unkind to yourself.

Could you practice in the mirror , saying 'no'?

or think of some phrases that you can just repeat like ''that won't suit us, but thanks so much anyway'

Sounds like massive boundary issues, and also not counting your partner as a parent. She doesn't 'co parent' she is granny,

It doesn't matter if she is the Emperor of the world, she is not his mother. YOU are. Her house may be bigger but its not his home. Your son needs to be with you and your DH.

You made plans. Text her if you don't trust her not to tie you up in knots. Text her saying DS is staying with me, as planned as he needs to be with his MUM. I need to be there for him whilst he is recovering and he needs to be at home with us. We can arrange visits when we know how he is feeling.

Agree with the above poster, she is massively overstepping the boundaries. Her treatment of your DH is out of line too, she sounds jealous of his relationship.with you and your son.

Good luck OP.

I feel like the 8 year old right now. It will cause ww3 but I suppose I’m posting here because I know it needs to happen. I very nearly said her it’s not my fault she didn’t parent the way she wanted when she had the chance. The shit would really have hit the fan then!

You're not pathetic at all, but imagine your poor boy not being comfortable and worrying about being sick in the wrong place. he needs his mum and his own bed

well it does sound as though you are essentially scared of her reactions and that is no way for her to be operating.

Let it cause ww3 as long as it doesn't upset your child....

“Ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart”
Wow, she really lays it on thick doesn’t she? This is such a non-issue but she has you right where she wants you doesn’t she? Don’t rise to the dramatics. Tell her what is happening, then just ignore whatever else she says. You are enabling her to behave this way, be strong for your child, do you want him to be affected by her control games?

Candy yes she has a flair for the dramatic. When describing her mother not accepting my father (sound familiar) she says it was like being stabbed in the face with knives. All sounds batshit written down but in the middle of I can’t see it.
And yes I am scared of her reactions. I’m a lifelong peacemaker and have a job that means remaining steadfast when faced with extreme emotions but saying no to an outrageous request (demand really) I can’t think straight.
Thanks again to everyone. I wish you could tell me this stuff to my face.

Does it need to cause WW3? You have 100% right on your side. You simply need to tell her that you are his mother and he stays with you, full stop; you are not prepared to discuss it any more. If she tries to discuss it, walk away. If she pesters you by phone, text or email, tell her again that it is not up for discussion and that if she persists you will block her - and be prepared to follow through on that. If she comes round to fight about it, tell her the more she does this the less prepared you are to have her in your son's life, and shut the door.

Please don't feel intimidated by your mother. It sounds like she is so used to getting her own way, even fabricating lies to get it. Your son, your rules. He will recuperate much faster if he's in his own home, surrounded by his own things.

You mentioned that your mother wanted to co-parent with you?! WTF? Nip this in the bud as soon as possible.

Stay strong, you're a grown woman who needs to do what you think is right for your DS. It's about time, by the sounds of it, that your mother needs to hear the word No. Believe me, once you have said it to her, it just gets easier and easier to.

I hope all goes well for you and your son

You have enough to deal with over the surgery and recovery, you should not need to have to cope with a controlling mum.
I am so sorry she is doing this to you.
You need to tell her to stop. NOW.
That you have a plan and if she can behave properly she can visit, but it is essential that she put the needs of the child ahead of her control issues for the next two weeks.
Then you can have a talk about her inappropriate behavior.

Boundaries are really hard, particularly when the person who should have taught you about them is actively trying to destroy them.

Remember, this isn't for you, you are fighting for your DS. Fight for him, not yourself.

Tears again. Thank you.
I have tried the statement and walk away (with knees like jelly). She blew up and told anyone that would listen how terrible I was but I had right on my side so could respond to that.
We stayed with her when ds was newborn (his biological dad was a piece of work). She was working then and didn’t take anytime of work (no reason she should) but from then on always refers to herself as co parent (which is an improvement on Mum).
I’ll send a text at 6, saying exactly what you’ve all said. But I’m coming to find you if it goes wrong!
When my dad was dying she couldn’t keep track of his medicines at all and that’s probably the clincher for me. I know when I’m at work DH will text every time he has medicine or is sick or whatever but I couldn’t rely on Mum to do that and the medicines are a vital part of his recovery.

Holding your hand - sounds like she's an utter nightmare to deal with, especially with all the high dramatics and gas-lighting!

Your son should absolutely be in his own home where he is comfortable and has all his things, and doesn't have to worry about puking or anything else on granny's white showhome.

Write her an email because then she can't butt in and twist it and your head - write it all out in civil but straight language. Explain it as little as possible because YES it is absolutely your prerogative as your DS's MOTHER to say what should happen to him.

Something like
Dear Mum
Thanks for your offer to have DS after his operation but DH and I already have it all covered. You are welcome to come and visit him at our house but we will be looking after him in his own home where he can relax and not worry about making a mess.
He will not be staying at yours.
FlashingBeacon.

She won't like it and will probably go on about sharper than a serpent's tooth is the ungrateful child or similar, but stuff it - she has no thought for your feelings, why worry about hers?

I second reading up about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and understanding why she has this hold over you.
You are constantly the Child to her Parent - she has never allowed you to transition to Adult interactions with her.

NONE of this is your "fault", and your are NOT "pathetic" - you have been conditioned all your life to be this way by her.

Best of luck xx

Ah I feel you OP as I also have parents with little respect for boundaries and great expectations — subsequently I live with a lot of guilt.

Standing up to it is hard and I have only recently started going down the path of seeking therapy to help me deal.

I really feel for you and hope that you can handle the situation with as little stress to yourself as possible.. it’s not easy!

You are not pathetic, you have been groomed to respond to her this way. Fear, obligation, guilt.

You are not being unreasonable. She is. If anyone else said/did what she is, you'd think they were batshit.

Btdt, it is really really hard. You don't have to engage though, just write yourself a script to follow and don't get drawn. "Thanks for the kind offer mum but No, we have it sorted already" repeat repeat repeat. It's not a negotiation. Yeah, she'll probably have a tantrum. So you need another script "I won't listen to you being rude/dramatic, good bye" then hang up. Don't get drawn in, you know she'll just manipulate you into being confused and capitulating. Repeat your script and disengage. She'll eventually calm down and get over herself, if she really cares about her relationship with your son.

I didnt think so many people would agree with me. On paper she is in a better position to look after a child but thankfully it doesnt work that way.
I had a little look a while ago into FOG and it messed with my head. How strange that my position isn’t unique andbpeople get past it. I had a look at stately homes thread too but the poor buggers there have had to so much worse.
I have to try and keep calm though. You loses all authority when you’re shrieking like a teenager. I expect lots of King Lear quotes too.