Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

[Flashingbeacon]

I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

Your mum sounds like a right nightmare!
Stand firm and do what is best for you and your son.
Oh and she's not a co-parent, she's a grandparent!

Excellent work on phoning her and telling her.
Totally agree with others that you should STILL pre-warn the hospital to keep her out.
This isn't likely to be the end of it but at least you've got some space to focus on your son - hope the op goes well for him.

Yes, I disagree with Loopy too. Of course OP can declare she is his mum. What an odd post!

I really think she’s likely to poison your son against you or your husband.

Thumbwitchesabroad totally nailed it OP. IME once I took all my courage & stood up to my DM, the fear actually went. I'd built it up in my mind so much, that the ensuing hysteria & ranting wasn't as scary as id imagined, i just thought 'here are the expected drama queen tactics'. It was an epiphany. You do have it in you to be the adult, not the controlled 'child' she manipulates. Good luck.

One more voice saying your little boy needs to be at home with his mum and his father figure. Don’t be bullied over this.

I agree with Northernparent68. I think she's very likely to try and turn your son against you or your DH, or both.
The fact that she suggested you go to the hospital alone as you'd be distracted with your husband there makes me think she's trying to make the situation appear as if you are paying more attention to your husband. I'd worry that as DS gets older she will try and make him think you are putting your DH before him.

Thanks for sticking with me through the night.
DH is definitely his dad, the only dad he’s every known, I only made the distinction because there was a time when I was a single parent and possibly in need of a co parent. The only reason we haven’t gone down the adoption route is because it would be so bizarre and offensive to have to prove DH is a suitable father.
I’ve put it all to the back of my mind until the op is done and ds is on the road to recovery.
If you knew me and my mum you’d know what a quantum leap this is.

Rights wise I really would have dh adopt. That means there is no question if something happens to you - imagine something happening to you and your dh saying she coparents with you and challenging your dh- adoption means that can’t happen.

Op, I have plenty of friends who have a few children, are stay at home mums, lovely families. I work - would you say that on paper they are better able to parent my child? I’m their mother. You don’t need any other reasons.

Booboostwo
Wow impressive work!

CSIblonde
I concur. Once I really really got that I am my mother’s equal, her power games and histrionics lost power. When I’ve told her we are both adults and equals, she doesn’t accept it as according to her, she is my elder and better. It doesn’t mean I have to buy into that belief. She has a tendency to speak to me rather like I speak to my dd when she is pushing the boundaries except dd is 10 and is very much starting with the attitude. However unlike me my mother is demeaning and nasty with it and speaks to me in this way for no reason. Bottom line she simply cannot recognise me as an adult and I’m in my mid 40s.

well done.

I think our mothers may be twins separated at birth by the way....

Hi OP, you appear to have got a grip on this now, well done !
Keep looking on this, as protecting your Son, makes it much easier to stand your ground.
Now that your Mother has heard you, albeit put the phone down, how about dropping a "Thank you" card, through her letterbox.
Dear Mum,
Thank you for understanding that X needs to recover with us, in his own home.
You are welcome to visit, but we've decided to let him rest up for the first couple of days.
It was very kind of you to offer up your home, for X to recuperate, but I'm sure, after our recent conversation, you will have realised, that this is not a debateable issue.
Hope all is well,
Flash.

The adoption route isn’t just about what your mother thinks though is it? Isn’t it about celebrating the fact that your dh wants to be his father and loves him no matter what and even if your relationship breaks down? And that you are a family unit. He is your ds’s real father. Wouldn’t it also mean a lot to your ds to be formally recognised, especially vis a vis your mother, who is sewing seeds in his mind?

You know your dh is a suitable father. Adoption really isn’t about that. By seeing it as only about proving a point to your mother and deciding that you won’t do adoption for that imo is cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Good for you. Look again at Stately Homes again some time, your experience is exactly what took me there and it was a great help during the explosion, LC and ultimately NC.

Spoke to my aunt who has come round to my side after seeing Mum laying into me a few times. Im giving the bath a scrub but feel like I’ve split the atom or something.
I should thank you all individually. I was expecting a mix of answers and a lot of grow up and deal with it answers.
I’m going to address my issues about not feeling worthy of being a mother as well. I do look at other families and judges them to be so much better.
I think it’s great all these daughters here breaking the cycle too. I know my gran is pretty similar to my mum although she’s controlling in other ways.

I think adoption would be a good safeguard, for both your husband and son, just in case, God forbid, anything should happen to you and your mother tries any batshit tactics.

Do you all have the same family name?

Like hell would my DC be with anyone other than me if they're ill. And they wouldn't want to be with anyone else. When a child is ill they want mummy, end of.

Well done for sticking to your guns OP, hope all goes well and he recovers well .

She sounds horrendous! I'd love to see her friends' faces when she says, "And the cheek of it - she wants to look after her sick child herself!"

It does feel very strange to realise that you've been manipulated by your own parent for so long, but even now I'm over the worst of it with my mom, I still feel quite proud of myself everytime I tell her no, even just over little things like her inviting herself on our family holiday. So stick with it OP and stand your ground, the relief you will feel in the long run is well worth the hassle she will cause at first.

Also, I agree with pps about your husband adopting DS. I know there's a lot of hoops you'd have to jump through to prove he should be allowed to but I really think it would be good for you all. It would cement your DHs and DSs relationship, which is the most important thing and (awful as it is to think of) would ensure your DH looked after DS if anything were to happen to you, even specifying it in your will can not guarantee that. But it would also show your mom that DH is your co-parent of DS, would validate his place in DSs life and your mom would have to respect that.

She can't, in reality, do anything on Saturday. Warn the hospital about her, don't let her on to the ward if possible. When you leave, you leave with DH and don't allow her into the house.

How much does DS see of her? I'd reduce contact between them as she will be poisoning his mind. The fact hehas come up with the idea of spending some of his recovery time with her, to appease her, is appalling. His recovery should be about him, not her. I wouldn't let him spend time with her without you being there, who knows what she says to him?

And yes, let DH adopt him. And have DS (and you) take his name if he hasn't already (unless DS is strongly opposed to it). She'll hate it, but it's none of her business. You are an adult, and you are building your family. She is not the most important person in your world.

Chris on a bike, I'm so sorry. This sounds more like attempted kidnap than being a good grandmother. Have you tried laughing at her statements? Can be a good way of taking the fire out of situations, not getting so flustered, but she sounds a total nightmare. Best of luck.

She's never been a flipping co-parent she's been the grandmother and that's it.

You don't need to make excuses about not messing her house up. Your his mother end of.

Well done op you're much braver than me.
I came on to advise you to text her because I wouldn't have been firm enough to say it in person, but you've already spoken to her.

Your right and we will look into adoption once this period is over. We don’t share a surname but that was my choice (and it’s not the same as Mum). Maybe we should change to a blended name.
I’ve moved the Xbox and tv into ds bedroom, so I’m mother of the year candidate right now.

My husband adopted 'my' son (now our son, of course). Biological father died when son was 2 and I married my second husband 5 years later. Then he adopted. There is box-ticking to go through with social workers, and character references and so on, but it ties up everything neatly and means our son is now fully embedded in an extended family. Feels more secure all round. I'd really recommend you look into it, especially if you have a difficult mother who doesn't respect your husband's role as father.