Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

[Flashingbeacon]

I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

I hope you are all doing OK today

You shot yourself in the foot with disordered thinking Called Dm, whatever I think of her she needed to be here. She did not need to be there. She really really did not. In this situation it is 100% normal for parents to be there and nobody else.

You were thinking with her mind. I bet she would say she needed to be there because in her mind she's his parent too. That doesn't make it true. You've got to learn to think with your own mind. Hard I know after years of training.

Remember this situation next time you think you absolutely have to involve her. You almost certainly don't have to involve her.

I agree with Rabbits. I can totally see why you think it, I did too at one stage. Because someone that overbearing that has conditioned you to put them first always does really infect your thinking. But it's not normal or a sign that you're really close or whatever. She's just really overbearing. You'll keep getting these little shocks where you realise that it's not normal and other people don't live like this. It's all part of detaching and resetting the relationship, be that LC, NC or whatever.
But you're doing really well. Go easy on yourself, it's hard.

for you OP

Hope you are all tucked up at home recovering from the ordeal.

Another update, because i am so touched to be in your thought.
We are home now, and have stopped living if adrenaline.
Everything that happened before has been cemented in my mind. Apparently I was hysterical and unreasonable in my reaction to my sons condition. I had to ask them to repeat 3 times what had happened before I could take it in and sat in a corner sobbing for 5 mins. Maybe not cool and aloof but hardly hysterical.
I’m not back at work because ds needs me at home. We both got a hell of a fright. Apparently I must remember how manipulative children can be. Imagine seeing a child wanting his mum cause he’s in pain and bandages and thinking he’s attempting to manipulate the situation. Fuck her.

That's so horrible OP, I can't believe she's back trying to manipulate and gaslight you again so soon.

Keep strong!

I would imagine that when she says 'children are manipulative' she is describing how she sees you. You are also hysterical and unreasonable when you don't agree with her.

You're not at all by the way, you're the normal one here.

She's a terrible cunt, isn't she.

You're a wonderful mother and all you need to think about right now is your child. Ignore your own mother, and her demands. Focus on what's important. Your baby. Your partner. The support you're getting.

It's important right now to ignore distractions. You can do this. We've got your back.

Fuck me OP. You’re amazing.

😡 but hope your ds is on the mend.

Wow, that really would be the icing on the cake for me...how on earth could she be so horrid to you/about you and DS?

Thanks everyone. I’m feeling pretty worn out just now. Only have space in my head for one thing at a time.
Basically I’ll never be as scared as I was on Friday. Was very nearly the end of my life. Everything after that just feels like nonsense. Distance would be great but I’ll settle for peace.

I agree with every single word Rabbits said. Please read and re-read that post!

And stop contacting your mother. Stop answering the phone when she calls, stop answering the door when she visits. I’m not saying permanently. Just for now. While you recover from the stress of what your son has been through - you need to focus on supporting him and being kind to yourself. Your mother will work against all that.

It may not be your priority right now, but I suggest you read “Toxic Parents” and seriously consider counselling to help you sort your head out regarding your mother, and put much firmer boundaries in place.

The only coparent you need is your DH. He is the Dad in all the ways that matter.

Thinking of you

Apparently I must remember how manipulative children can be

Apparently I was hysterical and unreasonable in my reaction to my sons condition

So she wanted him at her house so that his needs could be ingnored and you could be belittled for wanting him looked after. If he had needs or you had the love and skill and knowledge to properly look after your child she could put it down to hysteria or manipulation.

When your DS is well again and you have the head space I would seriously plan to go NC with your M. DP will back you up I’m sure.

Jesus wept she's a nasty piece of work!! I'm bloody impressed that after the horrific shock you had, you could take in anything at all, never mind after only 5 minutes! As to the thing about children being manipulative - words fail me.

In short, have , , and - you rock!

Holy fuck

How the hell can you even think about even speaking to her ever again?

I’m so glad your ds is ok. Of course you were upset and needed time to take it in etc.

You weren’t hysterical and your son wasn’t manipulative. But this is the way your mother sees you both. And this is why you need to get some distances from her and stop her having so much control over you both. It’s very harmful to have someone like her around you, especially around your son as he grows up.

“Distance would be great but I’ll settle for peace.”

I hope this doesn’t mean appeasing her and ignoring your and your sons needs in favour of pretending her way is the correct way of seeing the world??? Please don’t do this. It will hurt you more than you know.

@Flashingbeacon has she calmed down at all? How is your DS?

It was a bumpy ride for a week. Amazingly when ds health was my top concern I didn’t have the time to pander to her.

I mentioned on the narc mother thread that she attempted to swan onto the ward but in the days of electric locks didn’t get very far.

I’m in a strange place to be honest. I was as scared as I’ve ever been so feel like I should be as happy as I ever have but mainly I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thank you so much for asking.

OP breathe. And just concentrate on your DS who needs you. Can't quite understand why during your DS's crisis you called your DM "who needed to be there" when a later post says she didn't do anything useful and then as usual was abusive to you.

Good luck and just ignore her - and you can deal with emergencies however painful they are. She disenabled you so you call on her when things get tough, or so it seems. You crack on and make sure you're strong enough to deal with everything thrown at your DS and you.

Stay strong

Honestly in the heat of the moment I forgot everything everyone here said and in a blind panic did what I thought I was supposed to. It was a stupid call.
I got back on course though. And I took on board what had been said about disrespecting DH. He stepped in for me when I needed a break. I was able to say “no Mum, DH is doing that, we’ve got it covered”.