Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

[Flashingbeacon]

I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

Im an adopter, I think you'll find that step parent adoption is a much simpler process. Your biggest hurdle is probably getting the agreement of birth dad.
Wishing your boy a speedy recovery

Ted that’s an excellent point, I wasn’t poopooing adoption at all. It should have been done when we got married. Birth fathers agreement is the stumbling point. Wouldn’t where to look, I don’t know if the prison service keeps records. I can’t imagine he would put up a fight though.

I’m mother of the year candidate right now.

You better believe it. In many, many ways.

"I was expecting a mix of answers and a lot of grow up and deal with it answers."

I think this shows what a number your mother has done on you - her behaviour is indisputably toxic (as clear as a flashing beacon!!) yet you still thought you might be the unreasonable one.

Your mother is not the police, or your boss, or in any other position of authority over you now that you are an adult with your own home and family. You do not have to do as she demands. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when a parent is abusive because a) it's your "normal" and b) they need to do a whole lot of serious shit to us before it overrides our innate assumption that they wants what's best for us.

Stay strong and don't let her suck you into any more of her boundary-squashing demands. Stick with the family you've chosen to spend time with and who choose to love you.

FFS just tell her to bugger off! End of. Repeat after me.....bugger off!

You are his Mum for goodness sake - she needs a brain transplant!

I am a grandmother and would not dream of behaving in this way. I am at a loss for words - except bugger off!

Just think - would you accept this behaviour from a friend? - someone you choose to have a relationship with? No you wouldn't.

My mother and I are equals. She hasn’t no authority over me. I know it to be true but I find it hard to believe.

You're doing really well OP. Stay strong. You have MN behind you

Seriously, don't doubt yourself. You are his mum. You know what is best for him. Defend that. You are doing this for him.

Glad to see you have told your mum the plan re DS recovery.

He is 8 years old so he needs his bed, his home and his mum. His grandmother can come and visit when he feels up to it.

You and DH have already sorted out how to cover his recuperation re time off work so no advantage to grandmother being there 24 hours.

It does sound like you need to stand up to your mum more and call her out on undermining your DH. Your DS will pick up on that if he has not already. She is not a co parent. She is a grandparent.

I had a grandmother like this.

You have a responsibility to stand up to her and put your DS's needs first.

I was eight when I had my tonsils out. I did go and recuperate at Grannie's (100 miles away from home). I didn't mind, in fact, I probably wanted to. Because she had already put herself in that role and I saw her house as my rightful home.

But the fact that things were that way, meant that I never had a normal relationship with my parents. My dad was never allowed to parent. My mum wasn't able to put my needs above those of adults.

You absolutely have to sort this out and re-establish healthy dynamics, for the sake of your relationship with your son as well as DH'S.

Hope your DS makes a speedy recovery. At home, with you which is what both you and he want. In this case what grandma wants is an irrelevance. Just let your phone go to answerphone when it is her and call back when you are in a robust frame of mind.

He might say he'll do 4 nights in each to keep the peace but I think he would be much better with you and his dad at home.

But you are his mother and so you decide.

After the operation (just when that is off your mind) I think you should make clear that she cannot refer to herself as a co-parent. She is a grandparent.

i dont understand how she is a good grandparnet

all her bullying and abuse will now be transfered to your son

turning up at work because she found condoms? shes batshit and is controlling you

Do you all want to come round for a cup of tea? My lip is still a bit wobbly but you are all reading the situation so accurately and telling me what I need to hear.
I have probably underestimated the affect on ds. And I’m doing dh a disservice.

Also:
My mother and I are equals

As human beings, yes. To your son, you are more important and you have more authority. You are his mum. Keep saying that to yourself.

Well done on telling your mum what you are deciding. If she's anything like mine though, she won't take this lying down.
Pushing, bullying and ignoring people's wishes is how she got to the responsible position she got to, in her mind this is what works so she has no intention of behaving differently, and will escalate every time until she gets her way.
This means you need to be prepared to "top" her with each escalation. But it doesn't mean you need to come out with a new argument, in fact, the contrary is probably best.
You say "he's my son, he's coming home to where I live".
Each and every time.
She will come up with new reasons and possibly get the flying monkeys in to support her.
You keep saying "he's my son, he's coming home ..."
It's called the Broken Record technique, you'll find loads of info if you google it.

Also, how she treats your husband is unacceptable.
If you want to change this you need to explain this to her and add in consequences, i.e. every time you ignore DH then I will not be in contact with you for another week/month. Then if she ignores him you absolutely MUST follow through on your promise (it's not a threat!!).
This is enforcing boundaries, i.e. you set the boundary then follow up with consequences which have been spelled out in advance.

I'd advise reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, it's not a long read. First part of the book shows various scenarios - you'll find lots of familiar stuff; the second part gives ways of dealing with toxic parents.

Good luck!

Yes what time would you like us to come round? I'll bring the .

It's good that you are beginning to see things as they really are and recognise that your mother's behaviour is totally out of order. Print this thread off and keep re reading it when you have a wobble.

Good advice above about letting the phone go to voicemail and only contacting her when you feel strong and it suits you.

I'm late to this one but best wishes to you and your family.

I agree with pp that your mother had already begun working on your son, given he came out with the 4 days at home, 4 days with her. For his sake, your sake and your DH's sake, contact with your mother should be reduced and supervised.

You might also want to find ways to bolster your relationship with your son, to reduce any negative influence from your mother. Not sure how you can do that, but I'd guess that between you and your DH, the time spent with your DS after the op, in caring for him, will be a good time to build your relationships with him.

Best of luck (and a cuppa sounds perfect 😁)

Agreeing with everyone else. You are doing great. You and DH are your DS’s parents and she is a grandparent. Keep strong.

You've done really well OP! You should be proud!

And yes many of us have been there with a mother like yours, honestly it's like they follow a script sometimes (mine has also shown up to the hospital uninvited!)

When your DS grows up, if he has kids - will you have equal say when it comes to bringing your grandchildren up?

That’s rhetorical btw - I know what your answer is.

And I know what your answer is because you’re reasonable and sensible and you knew what boundaries are.

Your mother sees you as an extension of her, and oversteps boundaries in ridiculous ways.

So instead of seeing her as equal, have a think about what the relationship should be like between you and DS. Because that’s what you should be aiming for when you look at your relationship with her

She has no authority over me.

When I was breaking away from my controlling mother I kept getting the Labyrinth quote in my head - "You have no power over me".

It's true. You can do this

You sound stronger each post OP. Well done. I hope your sons operation goes well and his recovery at home is peaceful.

How has today gone Flashing?

She thinks she is a co-parent??? That is deranged and, frankly, rather worrying!

YWNBU at all to repeatedly point out that you and DH are his parents and that you will make all the decisions regarding your son. I think it will have to be said repeatedly; firmly but politely. If she isn't prepared to modify her behaviour, tell her she will be forcing you to limit her time with DGS. Maybe that will make her sit up and take notice.