Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

[Flashingbeacon]

I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

OK, turn this around and see it not as standing up to your mother as her daughter but standing up for your son as his mother and his right to be parented in a different way to the awful way you were. Thing is if you let her override you as his parent she will in effect become his parent and in 2O years time it could be your son who is too afraid to cross her when he wants to do something important to him that she doesn't approve of. Don't let him become you, you didn't deserve that kind of mother but you couldn't protect young you - you're an adult now and you can and should protect your son.

And if in doubt (when you speak to her) repeat ad nauseam "Sorry, that doesn't work for us".

Also, re the Stately Homes Thread - some people have had it worse but you have still been the daughter of a controlling parent, which has messed up your responses - you are just as entitled to be on that thread should you wish to be!

Yes, ds has been protected from this so far but he’ll start expressing himself soon and she’ll turn on him. And it’s not fair DH is constantly undermined as a parent.
I can’t stand up to big scary men at work screaming in my face honestly because honestly nothing they say is worse than I’ve heard from my mother.
She’s maybe to entrenched in her patterns to change but that’s not my responsibility.

Right. Stop right there.

The Stately Homes threads? Yes some of it is bloody horrendous.

But let’s look at it this way.

Imagine you have a broken arm.

But you look at others and they have broken legs. Or backs. Or necks. Some may even have broken fingers or toes.

So you see people who are suffering from broken bones.

Does seeing them stop your broken arm from hurting?

Just because others have and are going through shit, it doesn’t mean that you’re not. Don’t compare yourself to others. Your experience is the only one that matters.

And from the looks of things your mother is a complete pain in the arse.

He'll only want his home and cuddles from mum and dad. Stick up for what is right and create those boundaries. She is a loving gran who can spoil him and love him within the boundaries that YOU set.

Ok. I hear what you’re all saying. Great to have impartial voices agreeing.
I’m not going to work today, I’ve done 50 hours this week and now I’ve not slept all night so I need to take the time to sort this out.
It won’t be the last time but hopefully I won’t feel too guilty and can focus on ds. No more taking the easiest path.
Although I’m checking the lottery ticket first in case I can just run away and not deal with it.

Go outside and find a small stone, small enough to fit inside your closed hand, but big enough to feel. Then go back inside and look at that stone, look straight at it and tell it exactly what you want to tell your DM. Then tell it again and again until the words are flowing out of you.

Then when you go to see your DM to talk to her, have that stone in your hand. If you feel yourself faltering, hold it harder and feel it in your hand, let it remind you of what you want to say and help you say it calmly and with conviction in the face of her craziness.

Dear Lord, Flashingbeacon, you poor thing . The thought of you in turmoil, and crying because of this guilt-inducing controlling behaviour at a time when you are already stressed because your son is poorly is just awful. You absolutely have right on your side. The idea that she refers to herself as a co-parent whilst belittling the man you love and have chosen to parent your son with is just nuts...absolutely insane. Actively hostile to ignoring him completely???!!! For many people, that would justify going NC...I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? It must be really awful for your husband as well, but I hope he supports you and doesn't make you feel guilty as it isn't your fault she is like this. Please stand your ground on this matter of your son going home to recuperate, even though it will be really hard as she is so prone to histrionics. If this doesn't change now, the pattern of destructive, coercive, controlling behaviour will likely get worse and you will be dragged even further down. Sending you a huge handhold - let us know how you get on and I wish your little boy all the best for his surgery and recovery at home with his mum and dad.

I think what sticks out for me is that yourself and DH have already arranged time off work to be able to look after him probably for his aftercare (at yours). That was your original plan, so there's no need to change it just because someone else says jump.

And (and I don't mean to sound disprectful with this) she seems to have laid everything on quite thick with her interpretation of when DH picked DS up - is that usually the case? I'm also thinking that having him basically confined to one room if DS was at you DM's won't really do him any favours. Obviously I don't know the reason he's having surgery, and that's a completely private matter, but if he is sick a lot afterwards then that's a lot of feeling anxious and crap that you've done something wrong by being sick when you just don't need it. Hopefully that makes sense.

Something that stood out here for me is that you said on paper she's in a better position to look after a child. What, a better position than loving parents who want to care for him in a home environment and can cognitively understand the medication? I don't think so!

She isn't helping, she's making it all about herself. This is the time to put a stop to that. There's lots of ways she could help, like bringing dinner round or sitting with your son a while, she could do some cleaning for you etc. But demanding she 'co parent' is exactly the opposite, good parents do what's best for their children, and she isn't doing what's best for her actual child (you) or your son.

Be prepared for major pushback, just don't engage and repeat on a loop that you will be looking after him in his own home with his father (if that's what both you and dc refer to him as). If she gets really difficult I'd be tempted to say that it's really unhelpful to add stress to your family and you'll speak to her once she's let go of this idea and not before.

Good luck, you can do it!

make sure you chat to your dh too.a hand on his arm letting him know you've got his back and no how your mother is being towards him.im sure it hurts him and angers him what she doing to your all so you need to support eachother.
you have your own little team right there.the three of you.she doesn't get to have power over that.
your son will need you and would never forget it if you passed him on no matter how much you thought it would be the easiest option because your mum forced this upon you.you just need mum at times in life this is very much one of them for your son and you too need to be able to be his mummy to nurture him back to health.this time is precious.
text him if needs be.there has been some great example from pp.just be to the point no faff.
hi mum.thanks so much for your offer of help with ds.but weve got him covered.we just want to have him here so we can look after him and have him close by.will let you no when hes up to it as im sure seeing granny will help him feel so much better through this too!thanks again I just want to be his mum and look after him here where hes has his own things and routines around him.
and don't feel guilty you taking all the time off you can.your doing all you can he will no that.all you can ever do is your best.

oh and if the shit hits the fan so what.whos important here.you and your family.who ends to lose out here.her actually because your son is just that,yours!so if she kicks up a fuss and pshes you she will lose you and her grandson so its her that needs to back off or back down.
and if it doesn't get horrid.you can deal with that too.i no its tough.i no its hard but if she treates you like that then its on her not you.noone deserves to make you feel that way.nobody has the right to make a mother things her son will be better looked after with her just because she says so.
any mum worthy of you would be tyring to help you support you and be there for you to look after him.she would be seeing how to make your work time easier by babysitting or comeing round with food or offering to do some chores etc.not takeing over or taking away your child to control the situation him and you

Flashingbeacon, my heart goes out to you. However you must stick to your guns, be calm and quiet and just say, "No, we've decided what to do", then change subject.

She can always have him for a sleepover or two when he's recovered.

DH was well warned before things got serious. He totally gets that her shit is completely separate from me and that I am nothing like her. Obviously it hits hard when she’s so disrespectful but he tries to always behave in a way that he won’t be ashamed of later (doesn’t call her batshit to her face, doesn’t fight in public etc).
Yesterday probably pushed him to his limit as I sat bawling my eyes out.
For his part ds said why doesn’t he spend 4 days at granny’s and 4 days at home. I won’t deny him a relationship with his gran but he’s 8 he doesn’t get to make decisions about his welfare.
Maybe this is my line in the sand.
I don’t have a stone but I’ve got a cub woggle that I think should work.

YANBU

Do not let your DM bully you into making decisions

Does your mother guilt your son into feeling that he should spend more time with her?

Don't let her take him. You'll be worried sick about him.

Your DS will want you, not her.
This ^^. When he's feeling crap he'll want his mum, his bed and his familiar surroundings. Not his gran saying 'don't be sick unless it's in this bowl'. And next time she refers to herself as co-parent just calmly point out that DH is the co-parent, not her, she's the grandmother.

For his part ds said why doesn’t he spend 4 days at granny’s and 4 days at home.
I bet he's picking up on the tension and trying to smooth it over. I doubt he's seriously wanting to. And he won't post-op.

DS probably said that to try and'keep the peace. Children learn that at a very young age.

When he's had the surgery he will be so happy that you stood up and said no, you are staying at home and with me.

Your mum is not a better bet on paper. YOU are. Children need their mums and dads when poorly. My DM looks after my DC whilst I work. They adore her. But mummy is still number 1 by a long stretch.

Good luck. If necessary, take a step back from your mum.

I am worried that ds is trying to smooth things over. I hope she’s bribed him with stuff I don’t allow (as fucked up as that is) because the thought that he’s turning into me is terrifying. It really does help having people say this. I do not talk about it in real life. And I’m sure I’ll be back later snivelling and trying not to compromise.

the thought that he’s turning into me is terrifying
The thought that he's turning into a decent human being who doesn't like stomping on peoples' feelings? Think of this as the opportunity to demonstrate to him that you can be nice and still be assertive. Besides, you can learn to be less accommodating, but it's much harder to stop being a complete knob (as your mother demonstrates); I'd say he's doing fine (as are you)

On paper she is in a better position to look after a child but thankfully it doesnt work that way.
Except she's not his mum, you are. Plus she's batshit. You can do this.

Please don't think she's in a better position to look after him, or let your son think that. You're his Mum, you have his best interests at heart and not yours. He will get the most consistent care from you and your husband, and the most security after his operation.

Agree with previous posters. As hard as it is I'd say 'thanks the the offer mum but no, ds just needs his mummy and his own home to recover' and stand firm, no negotiation, no what-about-her, no guilt. This co-parenting bullshit needs to stop, correct to grandparent each time she uses it. He's your boy. You decide.