Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

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I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

You’re all making so much sense. I’m in a weird place just now, tired, anxious but can’t believe I’m not compromising. I can justify her actions all day long to the detriment of my own happiness.

I will support my son to the ends of the earth and he will always be welcome in my house but I will respect his boundaries. I already do.

I think that you need to take this as a chance for a big step bvack?

Why was your son there yesterday?

If she was really concerned she'd be offering to pop round to help if you wanted.

I would not pull rank of "I'm his mum". You are the decider but don't need to alienate her either.

If you compromise with her, you could be compromising your son's recovery. Why on earth would you want to risk that?

I think you need to think about going LC for a bit.

He is your son and wants to be at home with his Mum. Might be way off the mark but it sounds like you are HMPS (and possibly your Mum was too and can't let it go - but that's another thread) If so you can take some paid leave to look after your son as he recuperates.

If the list helps you that's great - but remember -youare the parent, You have control. You don't need any reasons - just that this is what you have decided.

^^This. The problem with keeping a list of points is that it engages with her and reopens negotiation. It's the old adage - give her an inch and she'll take a mile. My advice would be to repeat, ad infinitum "mum, my mind is made up, there is no negotiation. He is my son and I want him at home, this is my decision to make not yours".

And please don't begin to feel guilty about her putting the phone down and attempt to make things 'right' with her again. Let her come to you and if, when she does, it's to say anything other than "ok, your his mum and I respect your decision" repeat the above, with confidence.

I hope your ds's op goes well and recovers well at home

There’s no back story with DH, except she’d like me to have married a millionaire lawyer who rows in the Olympics and I settled for less. He is from a different socioeconomic background from me but ffs only if you’re nitpicking.
Ds has witnessed way to much manipulative bs. I am as honest as I can be, saying granny says things she doesn’t mean and that’s not ok but she still loves us.

Also, what is she likely to say if you ask her to help care for DS at YOUR house while you're working, which could be a good compromise?

If she refuses, I guess it proves what everyone else is saying: this is about her needs, not your son's.

The key to this is the sentence in your OP 'she gets me all turned around'.

She's raised you in such a way as to make her able to do this. She believes she has, or is owed, limitless control over you and your life (hence all the turning up at work etc) and her manipulativeness is her workaround round the pesky fact that this society regards you as an independent adult and you may even have developed such notions yourself.

From extremely similar experience, you will do yourself the best favour by locating and establishing your boundaries and ensuring they are rock-solid. She will try and try and try to shift them. And holding your ground will feel to you like the most wrong and unnatural thing in the world. It may feel as if the world is falling in. That is the effect of her training. But on the other side of all this, if you have the courage to make the journey, it will emerge as the only thing you could have done and retained any sense of your self.

Your dp is your ally in this and a PP is right that your mother rejects him because he has the measure of her and threatens her control of you.

The medication issue could be quite useful. She's so sure she's right, it may shake her confidence to point out that past history demonstrates that she can't cope with getting medication right and that she wouldn't want to harm DS by making a mistake, would she?

Ofcourse YANBU! Your son should be at home, NEEDS to be at home with his parents! Your mother is seriously overstepping the mark here. I am that she thinks she is co parent!

It is worrying that your son is already trying to appease Granny (spending 4 nights at home and 4 at hers) which shows he is already being affected by her toxic influence. Hard as it is you need to start putting boundaries in place now, otherwise he will end up in the same place as you.

And you need to insist she treats your DH with respect too starting now. He is the only father your son has ever known (does he call him Dad?) and the way she treats him is appalling. This will damage your son as he grows up too and could even affect their relationship.

I'd be worried about what poisonous batshit stuff she is telling DS now when she has sole care of him. I 'd stop any sleepovers and cut back the amount of time she spends with DS alone.

Your son needs to grow up in a happy home with healthy relationships being modelled. Your mother is seriously impeding this. She is Granny, not parent and needs to be put firmly in her place before she does any more damage to your family.

I would suggest cutting back on the contact and the minute the histrionics start, walk away. Insist she is civil to DH at all times and keep reiterating that he is your son's other parent, not her. Have you considered DH adopting your son?

Going forward, you may find it helpful to have therapy so you can see things more clearly and learn to deal with her better.

Hope your DS’s operation goes smoothly and that your mum backs off and lets you two parent YOUR DS

From a practical perspective, it makes sense that your son be cared for by the same person who speaks to his medical staff- GP, surgeon, nurses, rehab staff, etc. Whoever sees him eat, sleep, have pain, etc. Especially at 8, where they don’t have the tools to differentiate between physical sensations and emotional ones so well with their words.

No chance for misunderstandings regarding care and medications, if it’s you and DH with him at home. I’d tell her that, and that it was mentioned by his GP, as a recommended way forward.

Why don’t you go with that, in your mind and to her face? The rest of the FOG stuff can wait until after your boy’s recuperation. It’s actually quite positive that after a lifetime of this you are hearing that faint little bell inside you that says ‘let’s change this up a bit, it’s not right for me’.

Listen to that bell, and delve back into OutoftheFOG. The bell will get much louder, and before you know it setting boundaries (and not getting so stressed about doing so) will feel normal. That’s the thing about fog. You can’t see your path through, and it feels like there’s no end to it. But actually, as a little corner of your vision clears it gives you strength to surge forward. You’ll never look back. Might take a few sessions with a therapist. It’s money so well spent.

Good luck with the op, OP.

Thanks for the help and well wishes.

I can actually focus on ds today. He’s got a lot on his plate and I want to spoil him a bit. Everything else can wait a couple of weeks.

YOu are so right to dig in on this one.... and you also married your dh against her wishes..and you had condoms at 22 :) maybe make a list of your 'wins' so you know you can do it once she starts.......

Its a shame your DS is suggesting a compromise as that does suggest she has started raising her level of manipulation to him so once this health stuff is over maybe you and DH need a plan for going forward ....as you say it is not his job to be a peacemaker/anxiuos

as for co-parent call her on that every time- she is not co parent she is granny/grandma whatever...DS will be hearing she is the equal of you and dh....

hope op and all goes well and you and dh have a good 2 weeks together...

My mums a very hands on Nan. Has done all my childcare since he was 5 months old including nights as I used to work shifts. There is not a chance in hell she would even suggest this let alone argue with me over it and if she did I would be telling her politely (maybe not so politely) to fuck right off.

He is your son not hers and she needs to back off. She's being very manipulative, be string and keep saying no. Your son will want you not her.

loopylass13, I think you are just plain wrong, sorry. Are you in a similar situation, e.g. does your Mum control you too? A Grandma is NOT a co-parent. They are another relative, who has almost no say in parenting.

OP well done for managing to tell your Mum that she can't unilaterally change your plans for your son. I do think that you and your husband should sit down with her at some point and make the point that you are your son's parents. Thank her for her help in the past and make it clear that you are more than happy for her to be an involved Grandma, but that includes not asking her grandson to make decisions like where he stays when he is ill.

You are definitely doing the right thing OP. She's clearly an expert at manipulating you, and now she's beginning on your DS, he's already feeling like he has to make compromises to please her and he's only 8. I think it is time you reminded her that you're his mom, and she's not a co-parent, she's his grandparent. If you're feeling brave it may be time to point out that your DH has been in his life for 6 years and he is co-parenting with you.

When I had my DD my mom tried this, she started telling me what 'we' would do with DD, that she didn't want me breastfeeding and that DD would be raised exactly as she raised me. She's brilliant at guilt trips and manipulating me into just agreeing with her as well, so I just awkwardly 'ummed' at everything. The final straw was when I said DP wouldn't like something she suggested and she said 'well why would he need to know'. I realised she saw herself as more important that DP in DDs life. I know it's a little different as DP is DDs bio dad, but your DH as taken on your DS as his own. When your DS is an adult it'll be your DH he thinks of as the dad who raised him. She needs to respect his position in your DSs life, but only you putting your foot down can make her do that. I know how hard it is OP, but you're an adult now, she can't control you!

Also, I think it's important that she stops seeing herself as DSs co-parent now. As he gets older and goes through the teenage rebellion stage she will be there to undermine you. It happened to a family member of mine, the grandparent had always been overly involved and when the child started pushing boundaries as a teenager the grandparent undermined the parent and told the child he could live with her. He did from the time he was 14 and the parent was very unhappy about the situation.

Sorry that was very long but just to add OP, when I started to stand up to my mom things were very tense at first and she went ranting to family members about how awful I was. But I stood my ground and when she realised she couldn't manipulate me anymore things became much better. I see her a couple of times a month now and my life is so much easier!

Well done, you're doing the right thing and stay strong. He needs, you, his bed, his toys, his DVDs you can never feel completely relaxed in someone else's home.

My mum is like this and we have now been NC for four years. She did the same, seemed to think she was a co-parent to my children and hated my DH. I'm fairly sure she has narcissistic personality traits and/or a personality disorder. No boundaries and total batshit, defcon 1, WW3 if you try to create any boundaries or go against her, hence NC once I did.
You don't know what to do and feel caught in the headlights because she's conditioned you to do what she wants. But to anyone on the outside it's totally batshit, you're his mum and DH is effectively his dad. You look after him and she can visit if she behaves nicely. This co-parent thing is insane, he has two parents already.
I know it's hard, but stick to your guns.

My mum has endlessly helped me with my children but she knows she's not a co-parent and is glad not to be at this stage in life- she's an extra pair of hands, an additional listening ear, a fun granny, my kids love her.

In this situation, the only acceptable response from her would have been to have offered help, and then accepted what you said. You are his mum and to think she should just wade in and take over is just awful.

I think this is probably a turning-point for you in realising how manipulative she is and how this has dominated your life, and how you really will have to challenge her to break free of it. Your son doesn't need to be pulled in two directions, and a good grandparent wouldn't allow him to be torn like that.

She sounds quite bizarre really.

Your mother is acting really inappropriately at a time when she should be taking her cue from you. You and your DH are there to support your DS through the operation and recovery, your DM should be supporting you in any way you find supportive. The tears, the recriminations, the poor me stuff are all ways of manipulating you and you have to stomp on that.

Earlier this month my DD had a limb lengthening operation. It involves the operation 7-10 days in hospital, six months with the fixator, another operation to remove it, etc. In addition we’ve had to move to another country for six weeks to Ben near her hospital (she has a rare bone disease and we have to be where the specialist is). We’ve known all this was coming for six months and have been trying to prepare.

Twice my DM offered to come stay with us near the hospital and twice I said that was a kind offer but not needed. DH and have both taken time off work to be with DD, DS has a place in nursery, it was all arranged. My DM is elderly and can’t look after both DCs, our appart,ent is small so her being here would be no help at all...plus she is toxic and winds everyone up (tells DD I am nasty and DH is fat!).

The day before the operation I got a text saying ‘Hi! I am here, hotel Y’ from DM who had also flown in. When I reminded her that she had been told not to come she made it all about her. She needed to be near her DGD, I couldn’t do that to her, etc. So I sent one reply back that said that the next day I would be calling her on her home landline to give her news of the operation, if she picked up great, if not she would not be getting any other contact. I did not engage further with any more histrionics. She went back home the next day.

I think sometimes you need to just put your foot down. Engaging with the twisted logic of toxic parents just opens you up to further manipulation. Hope everything goes well for your DS to'orrow.

I wish you and your son well. I think you had some very good advice for dealing with your mother. I just wanted to say that I remember having two longish hospital stays when I was your son's age and of course I wanted to go back home to my mum, my own bedroom and more importantly all my toys You are doing the right thing. Your son needs to be home with his parents looking after him.

I was ill around the same age, not on the scale of your son but still.

I adored my gran, her home was a second home, she was a second mum. But when I was ill I wanted my house, my bed, my mum.

For your son, take him home, it's where he'll want to be.