Aibu to say I’m his mother, I decide.

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I’m a regular poster but have namechanged, mainly because this isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this and people are probably sick of it.
Ds 8 is having an operation on Friday, should be out Saturday. Will have a couple of weeks recovery, will be poorly but manageable, not really ill if all goes to plan.

My husband isn’t his biological dad but has been in his life since he was 2 (mine a lot longer). My mum has never warmed to him, gone from actively hostile to ignoring him completely.

DH was coming to the hospital with me and ds. We’re not overly worried but still want to both be there and have arranged work so that over the next 2 weeks we’re taking turns at home.

Dm lives minutes away and asked me to come round after work. DH has picked ds up from hers earlier. I had an idea what was coming so text DH to see if everything was ok. He said when he called to arrange picking him up she’d said if he needed to she would keep ds later, overnight if he wanted. DH said he was getting picked up first thing by a friend since they wouldn’t see each other for 2 weeks and ds had some stuff to do at home (had promise to tidy his room etc) so he would collect him when it suited.

I arrived at dms and her side of the story was very different. DH has ripped ds from her arms and broken her heart. And she knew it would be best for me to go to the hospital on my own so I wasn’t distracted. And she would pick me and ds up on Saturday and she’s nurse him at her house. It sounds mad because it is. I fought my corner as much as I could but she gets me all turned around.

Her house is bigger and she could be at home the entire 2 weeks where I would be working some of the time. But I’m his mum, I want him home with me, in his own bed.

I can’t think straight because she talks about co-parenting ds and it makes me upset. She’s a really good hands on granny but she’s not a parent. And i feel shit for saying that.

I rarely talk about it in real life because it’s hard to explain and people keep saying tell her to piss off but the fight that comes with that isn’t worth it.

This is a marathon post, sorry, but Aibu to say I’m his mum, I’m talking him Home and she can visit if she can keep a civil tongue in her head? Or is that too cruel if she’s worried about him?

Please do talk about it in real life, I’m sure your friends will be supportive.

If I were you I would severely reduce the contact your mother has with your son, and would n’t let her have unsupervised contact. I doubt spending time with someone so toxic is in his interest, who knows what’s saying. He is already a people pleaser.

It can not be good for him to spend time with someone who openly snubs his father, she is likely to damage your relationship, or your husbands relationship with your son.

You sound lovely, trust yourself as it's so obvious that you are absolutely doing the right thing for your son.

As another poster has said you are sticking up for your son not standing up to your mother
You know it's the right thing
His recovery would be compromised by all the swapping houses thing at the very least, never mi d the emotional upheaval
Keep him home woth you and your mother can visit only while you are there as it seems that could be a problem too
Good luck

sounds to me that your dh has her measure and that is why she won't interact with him

Definitely contact the hospital and prewarn them about her, she may well try to head you off there, by blustering about her "co parenting" status and over ruling staff but if you have raised it already they will be on your side.

You can do this, your dh sounds like he is at your side with this and you know ds will be better off at home so for his sake you have to get this nonsense off the agenda.

Ok update. I called and said that I want him to come home from the operation. Just a big sigh and ok then the phone put down.
I doubt it’ll be the end of it. But I’ve written a list of all the key points (and all the nice things that have been said) and will keep it in my pocket so when she calls or turns up I can consult it.

I’m surprised pp’s have said pre warn the hospital or be ready for her turning up. She’s done this at lots of jobs, turning up or calling hysterical about a family emergency, worrying everyone sick. Once it was because she found condoms in my room. When I was 22.
I can’t thank you enough. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

You are the barrier between your ds and her. You will get him well, not her. Every time you get muddled talking to her, consider the fact that you need to defend him from the madness. You don’t need to explain or justify why you want him home. You just tell her no every time she mentions it. She starts talking about it, you just say ‘No’ and talk about something else.

She sounds incredibly manipulative, down to trying to influence your choice of partner by freezing him out. I am sure she a lovely granny but I would have serious concerns about her repeating this behaviour with your DC.
A poorly child will want to be with his parents and your DP is included in that.

It sounds as if your mother is very over powering and narcissistic.

Another daughter of a narcissist here. My mother has tried all sorts on my dd although luckily she is a far better grandmother than she was parent. I know she did her best and she cannot see how she was but she out and out favoured my golden child brother and treated me very poorlyand allowed my brother to do the same. It left me very damaged.

I have had to put very big boundaries in place with my mother. My dd is strong willed and has been given the right to call out bad behaviour so she will say something to grandma or tell me at the very least. I have had to confront my mother a couple of times about her behaviour and she knows spending time with my dd is a privilege not a right. All things your mother is yet to learn.

Absolutely your ds needs to be home and with his parents. The covering up the carpet and bla bla bla. Yes, familiar shit, which totally resounds with me. The house and stuff are so much more important than the human being. As a child I felt completely worthless and less valuable to her than my mother’s Kenwood spatula (literally the spatula).

I totally imagine your ds was people pleasIng when he suggested to spend 4 nights at his grans. Unless and until you have put the boundaries down, your ds does not get to spend prolonged periods of time alone with your mother and I would try to rely less on her for childcare. So no, there is no way in hell I’d let my child stay with an overpowering woman especially in such a weakened state. Imagine if he vomited how she’d react.

How dare she make decisions for your child and try to prevent his stepfather from picking him up.

As for your ds and competition of “ownership” of him, she has decided she trumps your dh as he isn’t anything officially to your ds. You need to be very clear that this is not the case. He is a primary care giver and has x,y and z rights over your ds. Would your dh be willing and able to adopt him?

Can't you just say don't be a silly mum son will be happier/comfier at home you don't need to sickproof your house and say no more. She sounds hard work don't get into a to a fro about it.

Just seen your update. Well done. And condoms in your room at 22. 🙄

As for your dh, she will likely take against any partner, who refuses to be manipulated by her as they risk influencing you to reduce the power she has over you. She thrives on control.

We could be sisters OP

All you can ever do is control yourself, not her. Get ready for another (physical) argument about it at some point.

Practice breathing exercises. Stay firm and repeat things over and over in a calming quiet voice. Force yourself to blink normally and stay still.

So proud of you OP - it is NOT easy standing up to a parent like that and you've done so well. Keep firm to that boundary even when she pushes it. She is not, and never will be, a coparent. Well done on taking this stand

Ah update well done she sounds a nightmare, poor you

Your child will want to be with his mother, in his lived in home with all of his toys and things.

You can not possibly allow this woman to dictate where your child recovers.

I agree with other pp just keep calmly repeating 'thanks Mum but we are all organised' and repeat. Do not back down.

Scaling back time with her, contact with her, placing boundaries will be key in the future. You need to 'manage' her much more carefully going forward. For the moment focus on your son, ignore her calls and texts and follow through by caring for your child.

I think you should say that you have decided to take him home and that is what is best, no more discussion... I know it sounds weird but when I eventually snapped at my MIL and said I'm his mum and I said no... She ran out the room crying, started shouting I was an ungrateful B and took to her bed for a week... Not worth the drama... Don't know how, but apparently is offensive to remind Grandparents they aren't parents

That isn’t love OP it’s control, she has totally overstepped the mark, you are mum and what you says goes. Be strong OP, she will get over it.

If the list helps you that's great - but remember - you are the parent, You have control. You don't need any reasons - just that this is what you have decided.

Once you're past your DS's recovery, you could move onto standing up for your DP - it really isn't OK that your mum is so hostile to him.

Yes, don't feel you have to make your reasons 'good enough'. She may try to argue you down and you'll feel you can't win. Stick to one clear statement of fact 'I'm his mum and he will recover at home with me'. Google broken record technique and use that.

On paper she's in a better position to look after a recuperating child? Well, it depends on what you include on the paper.

You describe a woman who was successful in her career, at least in part because she is very good at steamrollering other people to get her own way. You can hardly run a large team without that particular skill. Nursing, however, requires a quite different skillset. Many strong women who are also mothers can manage both, but by the sound of it your mother is not one of them. For example she's already proved she can't allocate headspace to any kind of complication around medication, and you know just how nurturing she'd be on the subject of vomit. As for the empathy to accept a sick child is going to want to be in his own home with his own mum, that is just a big fat vacuum. Having a larger house is no advantage at all, whilst having more time is only useful if you're going to allocate the time to, you know, caring. How does the equation look now?

Never mind his stepdad ripping the child from her arms, she's quite prepared to rip your son from your arms. Because doing what she wants to in the teeth of what other people want is what she does best. Good thing you're not her employee, eh? And neither is your precious child. She's already sacked his stepdad in her mind...

Your son is having an operation.
He needs to rest and recuperate in HIS home. That home is your house.

Your mother is not a co-parent. She's a grand parent. Grand parents have no rights in the eyes of the law and she's no exception.

I'd recommend reading another thread on here by YesSheCan - she's had a similar problem with her mother but is coming out the other side.

I strongly suggest you seek some individual counselling to find new ways to deal with your mum. The relationship is not healthy and you need to break the cycles to protect yourself, your child, and your marriage.

You could be writing about my mother.

She's an abusive arsehole op. I think you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she's at risk of never seeing your DS again if she continues to be abusive (use the word abusive).
Your poor husband too. Everything is wrong here and you need to stand up to her, your DS will end up jut like you terrified of his GM!

Thsts the first step done, now steady yourself for a little hurdle and then the marathon of no's, no mum, no, and no.
You can do this, for your son
Talk to the hospital is a great idea

Haven't read entire comments, so someone else might've already said this, but it strikes me that this isn't about her wanting to nurse your DS after his op, it's about denying your DH the chance to do it. Why does she dislike him so much? What's the back story?

You are not disobeying/disappointing her, you are putting your child's needs first. He needs to be at home, with you and your DH, surrounded by the things that bring him comfort. Not with his granny because it will annoy her if he isn't. He's already showing form for aping your peacemaker behaviour – you need to show him it's okay to say no to things that don't benefit him.

I've co-parented with grandparents, can be hard to the draw lines as from their perspective they are parenting all of us. I would talk again to your mum, acknowledge her effort and love but key into fact child will be most comfortable in our home in our bed with own comforts. I would stay as calm as you can and not mention any difficulties between partner/mum. That maybe you would love a little help when you have to work. That you love her and appreciate her but for you and child, it is easier to be in own home for recovery.