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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

208 replies

Maryzsnewaccount · 25/07/2018 00:45

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/07/2018 00:48

You are not being unreasonable. Although you are actually to not have done this earlier. Maybe you could drop dog at girlfriends so they can work out together Kennelling options for holidays ? As a starter salvo :). (Obviously not if you adore the dog, you didn’t sound like it )

lockhills · 25/07/2018 00:49

Hell, they’re adults, tell them what’s going on NOW.

Original poster
Maryzsnewaccount · 25/07/2018 00:52

I'm an idiot, aren't I?

I thought if I tried hard enough I could fix this for everyone, but I can't

OP posts:
PocketsForMe · 25/07/2018 00:56

You’re not an idiot! You’re a bloody saint!
Sounds as if you have handled this with dignity and grace, there comes a time when you have to stop that though. I would tell the kids everything, move out to wherever I could and all kids and dog would be welcome to join me. Sorry if that’s not helpful and I hope you can sort something out
(Flowers)

Ssssurvey · 25/07/2018 00:58

taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

hairymoragthebampot · 25/07/2018 00:59

Why wait until the holiday. Tell that man to leave. How truly awful after 32yrs and then not to see why he should move out. There is a word for that and I am too polite !

EllenRipley · 25/07/2018 00:59

Absolutely not. Stop. Right now. He's an utter bastard and he deserves nothing from you. Or his kids, for that matter. Time to pull the rug out from under his feet.
And Thanksfor you. Look after yourself x

Chasingcars123 · 25/07/2018 01:00

Sometimes you cant fix everything for everyone. You've done your best. It's time to stop protecting him. Be honest going forward and say exactly what you want to say.

Tell him he's moving out and he's taking his dog.

You sound great and you will get through this. Hold your head up high, you have right on your side. Best wishes Flowers

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 25/07/2018 01:02

Oh Mary what a farce!
You have been more than reasonable for 7 months. The dog thing is a straw, camels back etc. Do not put up with this total shite a moment longer.
Your kids are old enough to know the truth, let them know what’s going on.
Sounds like ex is behaving like a typical dick who is casting you in the role of wicked witch, while he’s swanning around in his speedos with his new bird.
You fight my lovely!

Iggii · 25/07/2018 01:02

What’s the best outcome for you in all this? Your dc must know something’s going on if you almost sold the house? Picture your own place withlkt the wanker in it...

Chasingcars123 · 25/07/2018 01:03

Cancel that card immediately!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/07/2018 01:05

I thought if I tried hard enough I could fix this for everyone, but I can't

That's a good lesson to have learned, Maryzsnewaccount . We are none of us immortal and most of us have to thresh out their own messes.

And, ifbt's bloody female socializlation lagain. Bloody stuff gets everywhere . Grin

DramaAlpaca · 25/07/2018 01:06

Oh, Maryz I'm so sorry. I'm useless at giving advice but just wanted to offer you a handhold and a patio to bury the bastard under if you whack him over the head with a shovel like he deserves

Franzipanny11 · 25/07/2018 01:06

OP - you’re absolutely NOT an idiot or BU. You’re a kind, caring, sensitive mum and former wife. This won’t help much now but you’re really too good for a man who’s behaved like that. During my divorce and separation and even in the few years when the marriage was broken, before we finally sold the house but were living as a family unit, I never bad mouthed my dc’s father to the. What’s the point? They love him as their dad. Now they’re both adults and ask me things about the breakup, I tell them the truth but just facts, they don’t need the emotion, even as adults. It’s time YOU took control of this situation. If he wants a life with another woman then you’ll have to sell the house. Get some legal advice on your rights re the house. In the meantime, speak to the bank about the loan, tell them your circumstances and separate the accounts if you can. Banks deal with this sort of thing all the time so no need to be embarrassed. He’s taking the piss and you need to make it clear that you won’t tolerate it any longer. Speak to a lawyer or citizens advice ASAP.

Mrsharrison · 25/07/2018 01:07

If he refuses to leave, warn him that you wiill use his toothbrush to clean the loo and you will find that toothbrush wherever he hides it.

Chasingcars123 · 25/07/2018 01:08

and make an appointment to see a solicitor first thing. Tell your husband you've done this and watch him shit himself!

SlowlyShrinking · 25/07/2018 01:11

Yanbu at all. Your husband is a piece of shit and you must be an incredibly strong woman to be keeping all this from your children while having to deal with his disloyalty. However, as they say, not your circus, not your monkeys. Let your husband take responsibility for his appalling behaviour.

mellicauli · 25/07/2018 01:14

You need to get out of the situation whereby you are going to be held 50% responsible for his debts as soon as possible. Who took out the credit card? You or him?

Tell him to go now and take his dog with him. He can pay for kennels. Get a solicitor and start protecting your assets before he pisses them all away. You need to make yourself number 1 priority in all transactions.

Franzipanny11 · 25/07/2018 01:18

OP - do you rely on him financially? Can you manage financially without him? It’s brutal life facts you have to face now which is a massive blow after such a long marriage but you need to take control. Could you afford a dog sitter for a few hours as I imagine he will be playing silly buggers as soon as you start to take control. Show him what you’re made of, you ran the whole show for 30 odd years anyway. You can keep running your own show now.

onlyk · 25/07/2018 01:31

Cancel the joint credit card - that loan which you are jointly responsible for probably paid for his holidays with new girlfriend!

Children both over 18 - surely DD should learn to drive if she needs to travel by car to get to work. Also DC could look after dog ?..

sounds like your “husband” (surely he’s your ex now) is having his cake and eating it. You’ve not mentioned but are you still cooking, cleaning, washing his stuff? His new girlfriend probably doesn’t want him to move in with her which is why he hasn’t moved out. The flashing the cash your husband is doing literally at your expense is more than likely to impress her.

Kick him out! ...... hard I know (short term it’s sh!t) but long term you’ll feel better for standing up for yourself.

LeftRightCentre · 25/07/2018 01:37

while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

Cancel the fucking card NOW. Divide your finances now. See a solicitor asap. Stop enabling this cunt.

BoreOfWhabylon · 25/07/2018 01:39

Oh god Maryz, I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through.

You deserve so so much better than this Flowers

Kick the fucker out. Tell him to take his dog with him or rehome it. Tell the children.

Put yorself first now. It's way overdue.

seventhgonickname · 25/07/2018 01:41

Repot his credit card as lost,that will cancel it immediately and give you a few days to cancel it properly.

Tell your kids,get them to sort the dog out while you are at work.
Make sure as much of your bank accounts /finance as possible are separated.
Do not give up your job.
See your GP if you need to as this is a stressful time.

seventhgonickname · 25/07/2018 01:47

Your dad also needs to organise herself to get to work on her own.I know rural is difficult but if she can't drive she needs to learn if she can then she needs a cheap car.

LeftRightCentre · 25/07/2018 01:47

And tell him he needs to sort out his dog or get his bitch to do it.