Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

208 replies

Maryzsnewaccount · 25/07/2018 00:45

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 25/07/2018 06:23

Hi Mary - you have handled this situation with dignity and respect. I wonder what hes told “his young fit weathly girlfriend” - about his current living arrangements. She must not want him to live with her.

You really do need to seek a divorce from him - has he not instigated this or mentioned it? I’m curious as he may want the financial side to go his way without being contested.

I would look around the house and gather up any financial documents you can - his wage slips, any investments and bank statements. If he has a pension you will be entitled to some of this. HE MAY not be entitled to 50% of the house.
Do protect yourself and your future and let your children know what’s going on.
You seem to have coped with the separation we’ll but where have your feelings gone. It’s time to put yourself first and perhaps your not good at this.
Don’t protect this man.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/07/2018 06:23

Flowers So sorry, Mary. Nothing much to add to the good advice you've had here, but to echo everyone else I think it's long overdue for you to put yourself first. What a rat.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/07/2018 06:25

Mary's in Ireland btw, I believe. Don't know how that affects divorce arrangements.

StealthPolarBear · 25/07/2018 06:26

So sorry to hear you're going through this shit maryz x

TanteRose · 25/07/2018 06:32

Fucking hell, Maryz - what a bastard Angry

tell the kids, they will find out soon enough anyway.
You can't fix this except to make the situation better for you.

Flowers Gin

AnyFucker · 25/07/2018 06:34

Mary, what are you doing ? Shock

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/07/2018 06:37

Please cancel the credit card. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

I’m not sure you are liable for debts that he has accrued After the breakdown.

Can you buy him out?

StopPOP · 25/07/2018 06:38

Um, no way would you be being unreasonable.

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/07/2018 06:51

YANBU, it sounds like you're doing all the compromising while he does as he pleases. I wouldn't destroy all his belongings though.

Changing the locks and putting his things in bin liners and putting them on the doorstep is very tempting but legal advice is the way to go. You'd be well rid of him. Best of luck OP.

Bramble71 · 25/07/2018 06:51

Maryz, you would be perfectly reasonable to do so, but in the meantime, move half of any current account balance & savings to an account in your sole name. Cancel the credit card if it's in your name, or remove yourself if you're the authorised user. See a solicitor and tell the kids the facts. Chuck his stuff in bin bags while he's away and donate it or stick it in the garage/back garden. You have more than tried to make things work and to protect your kids; no-one can say that you haven't. Now it's time to think of yourself first.

If it's any consolation, or you are feeling a bit vindictive, people who see them together are probably laughing; he sounds like a walking middle age crisis.

Sending you very best wishes for the future, Maryz.

Amanduh · 25/07/2018 06:56

What Bramble said.
Good luck lovely.

billybagpuss · 25/07/2018 06:57

Maryz do the credit card bills come addressed to you or him? if it's him not your debt as pp have said credit cards can not be joint so the original applicant is liable for any debt.

I would however chop yours up and apply for your own.

Pinkyponkcustard · 25/07/2018 07:01

Not sure if anyone’s mentioned this but there is no such thing as a joint credit card - it’s either in your name or his but with additional cardholder (who has no liability for the debt)

And ltb!!!!!

sexnotgender · 25/07/2018 07:03

You're not being unreasonable, you're incredibly hurt and trying to keep your life together.

However you're also bending over backwards to accommodate someone who clearly doesn't give 2 shits about you.

As others have said there is no such thing as a joint credit card. I sincerely hope he is the main cardholder or all the debt is yours.

sulflower · 25/07/2018 07:04

Oh Maryz you are a saint and letting him get away with murder, he's taking advantage of your good nature. Please start putting yourself first, get a lawyer and make sure you get what your are entitled to and that does not mean half the debts he is currently running up with his floozie. Get that card cancelled and start the ball rolling. You deserve a lot better. Flowers

WonkyWay · 25/07/2018 07:05

.

KeiTeNgeNge · 25/07/2018 07:08

Time to let the door hit his arse. You are showing him consideration he won’t show you. Cancel the card and start moving him out of your life

KlutzyDraconequus · 25/07/2018 07:11

Why does he automatically have to leave?

Sounds to me like OP has a dick head ex and grown up kids and would better off washing her hands of ex and house and walking away and leaving him to sort it.

You go on holiday for a month op. They're all adults, time they all learnt to stand on their own 2 feet.

Rudi44 · 25/07/2018 07:11

God, you need to stop making like so damn easy for him. Get legal representation ASAP. You can still be polite but deal with this firmly.

FlibbertyGiblets · 25/07/2018 07:13

Oh mate you're too darn nice. Lawyer up lady and get rid of him. I'm so sorry.

ShedsofGrey · 25/07/2018 07:14

Oh Maryz, how stressed you must be feeling.
My exDH did something similar around a hobby. It was exacerbated by the fact that his love interest was our friends daughter.
I found it helped me to tell everyone before the gossip got to them first.
I asked him to tell our sons but he didn’t have the balls, so I had to do that too.
If I have any advice to give you, it’s not to keep his secrets. Tell the world. Then tell the world’s wife what he has done and what he is putting you through.

BlardySM · 25/07/2018 07:17

Is this definitely MN Maryz? I know it says Maryznewaccount but is it actually our Maryz?

toomanykidstocount · 25/07/2018 07:19

theres not many credit cards that are actually joint - they usually have a primary card holder who the debt actually belongs to and a secondary card holder who doesn't have any control over the account and who the bank will not look to for recovering the debt (in most cases). If you are the primary, then just cancel the card now. If you're the secondary, it's his lookout - check with the bank, it might be one less thing for you to worry about.

Gncq · 25/07/2018 07:22

I don't think this is Maryz regular user.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 25/07/2018 07:22

Have you seen a lawyer? You need to separate finances ASAP.
He can’t be taking iut loans to go away on hols with the OW whilst you still clean, cook etc for everyone.
And he certainly can NOT take loan that you will have joint responsibility for just to go on a jolly like this. That’s less money for you and you will be the one who will be even more screwed up.

It’s not an issue about telling to not come back of he goes in hols. It’s an issue w Th yountaking back control and ensuring you are protecting yourself. Esp as all the dcs are over 18yo and meant to be able to support themselves....
He doesn’t care one not about you. Why do you care about him and make his life easy??