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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

208 replies

Maryzsnewaccount · 25/07/2018 00:45

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 25/07/2018 01:51

Maryz i always like your posts on here and you have always been pretty supportive to me and others on here. Im so sorry you are going through this. Thanks Thanks

hes a tosser.

trickyboots · 25/07/2018 01:56

I'm very sorry to read this. You're not a mug. However, I'd like to see you turn your attentions to yourself instead of making life nicer for all the other adults in your life. So do exactly as you propose. He's had a fair run. Good luck for your future

delphguelph · 25/07/2018 02:00

YANBU.

Leave him. Please.

DonkeyHotei · 25/07/2018 02:01

So sorry to hear what you're going through Flowers. You're an absolute saint and your kids are so lucky to have one genuinely selfless parent. But now do try and do the right thing for yourself as well. Great advice upthread, so I can only just add my support and best wishes for things to get much better for you.

NonaGrey · 25/07/2018 02:15

Maryz I’m so sorry you are going through this.

You need to protect yourself now.

See a solicitor ASAP and prioritise separating your finances.

The children need to know the facts.

This sounds very harsh but in your current position your job is more important than the dog. Your STBEx need to arrange kennels or rehoming.

I think you need to be honest with the children. Not necessarily bad mouthing but th facts will speak for themselves.

thebewilderness · 25/07/2018 02:18

I do not think you need to tell him anything. You need to pack up and move out, file for divorce and sell the house.

OkPedro · 25/07/2018 02:21

I don't think this is regular poster Maryz ?!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 25/07/2018 03:19

Time to get angry now. Make it cold, reasonable anger. You know the drill, SHL , separate finances, protect yourself.

kateandme · 25/07/2018 03:29

if my mum was hurting like this.even by my dad.id want to know.id have to no!
thinking of my lovely mum in bed right now.if my dad was doing this id be so hurt I wasn't there for her.so hurt I didn't know and could do this with them/her.
id also want to boil my dads balls.
you don't need to ge them on side or bad mouth.tell them the truth if they have anything about them they'll be mad enough from just knowing the facts of this!
you can still be kind.sensitive and dignified but telling them at their age ir perfectly reasonable.you can support eachother.
they might be upset.hurt.angry at first.it might get misdirected in all sorts of directions.but this isn't your fault.youve been amazing.

PenguinBollard · 25/07/2018 03:30

I'm pretty sure you can take your name off the card and that means the debt is only in his name? Could be wrong though.

You need to tell the kids what is happening before he twists it and you need to boot the fucker out.

Speak to a solicitor immediately to find out exactly what you can legally do.

Milkshakeminer · 25/07/2018 03:32

Oh sweetheart x
Personally I think you should wish him a lovely holiday and while he’s gone change the locks, donate his stuff, gather evidence and get a solicitor

duskymauve · 25/07/2018 04:00

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I have no practical advise in terms of finances, getting him out the house or what to do with the dog, sadly. However, my dad did a similar thing to my mum when I was an adult ‘kid’ still living at home - he had a younger, more fun, damsel in distress fucking girlfriend that he left my Mum for (who is no more a few years down the line). Funnily enough he also somehow found time to holiday with her (despite being self employed and begrudging about taking unpaid time off at Christmas to spend with his wife of 27 years and the children he supposedly decided to have). Honestly, I’m as good as over it!

My Mum put the last of the trust she could find in him and made him tell the whole sorry truth to us all. Even though she now says she feels ashamed and as though she was acting out of spite, I am so glad I got the whole picture. I’d had my suspicions and felt awful about having kept them from my Mum, but it also meant that I could draw my own conclusions. I do still have a relationship with my dad, but I have so so much more respect for my Mum now - all through my childhood I’d seen my dad as innocent and easy going, and my Mum kind of on his case, but suddenly I got it. It also taught me so much about what I will and won’t put up with from a partner.

They won’t blame you for any of it - you didn’t wreck the family, he did. There may however be problems ahead if the feel like you’ve kept things from them, even though you’ve done it for their own good. If you can’t trust him to tell the truth, do it yourself, before he can manipulate them as well.

duskymauve · 25/07/2018 04:01

*advice. I’m practically delirious at this hour.

Anxious2niteaaah · 25/07/2018 04:08

It's already over, you are just clutching at straws...he's already said he won't end it with her..

Just get a dog walker to look after your dog, or Google dog creches/dog day care in your area (it's for people that work and want their dogs to be walked...

You can't tell him.its over if he goes on holiday as it's already over, the only reason he was staying was for the house, not you...

If.it was me I'd have said if you go then you live with your girlfriend when you come back and we will.split the sale.of the house when it sells...I couldn't live in a house with a man who cheats...
Why are you protecting your adult kids from this...your husband isn't sparing your feelings, so tell your kids what is going on, they will.find.out eventually when he moves in with her and be angry at you both (him for cheating and you for.not telling them)

KickAssAngel · 25/07/2018 04:28

so - effectively you're covering up his affair AND paying him to carry on like this? Because he is racking up debt, and half of it will be yours.

Get to a solicitor asap.

Decide if you want the dog.

Tell your kids the truth.

Get your life back.

DrCorday · 25/07/2018 05:11

Call a family meeting and factually tell the children what is happening.

Invite H to said meeting making him aware that you are telling them with or without him there.

If finances are still shared, family meeting can decide if H can go on the holiday that he’d like to go on (I’m sure all will agree that he can’t / shouldn’t go when they know the facts)

Get yourself a solicitor asap.

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. Be brave and strong - no one deserves this.

NewbieSpartacus · 25/07/2018 05:28

FlowersFlowersFlowers

dailygrowl · 25/07/2018 05:30

Cancel the credit card - at least your half. Or else you'll be responsible for his debt.

Book an appointment with a solicitor asap.

Tell the kids before they end up hearing it from him [and he blames you/makes you look bad].

He ended it ages ago and is simply exploiting your niceness with regards the house and the finances. It's not unreasonable to give him the ultimatum wrt to the locks and the belongings, but you should tell the kids the truth either way.

You could discuss with your DD what to do about her placement after she's heard the truth. Is there someone she can get a lift from?

IggyAce · 25/07/2018 05:31

Flowers for you op. It's time to take action and protect yourself.
Credit cards can't be joint there is the card holder (person who applied for the card and is responsible for the debt) and an authorized user. I hope that you are the authorized user. If you are I would still cancel the card anyway.

Bezm · 25/07/2018 05:33

Be very careful. First, check the finances. Anything in joint names will be frozen as soon as you separate. He may try to 'hide' money if he knows you're splitting up, so get in there first. Draw out half the savings plus extra to cover the credit card spending he's done. If your salary is paid into a joint account, get it changed immediately.
Then, tell him to leave the home, don't leave yourself. Don't sell it yet. If he won't go, change the locks when he's on holiday.
See a solicitor for legal advice.
Tell the children.
Tell him to take the dog with him.
Don't let him walk all over you anymore, you should have more self respect!

rwalker · 25/07/2018 05:53

it"s a waiting game till the house is sold .Presume the kids are aware of split. Get a dog walker and sort finances. Don't change the locks you can not legally do that it is 1/2 his you can end up in massive trouble for this you can't evict someone from there own house because you don't want them there when the part own it the have a legal right to be there.

Seabreeze18 · 25/07/2018 06:05

U have been walked over honey, I’m sorry to say that nice people often do get treated this way. Speak to the bank ASAP. I would tell your husband to take the dog or sort out kennels or rehome. Good luck

sagasleathertrousers · 25/07/2018 06:07

There's no such thing as a joint credit card, is the account in your name or his? If it's in your name you must cancel his card immediately.

GabriellaMontez · 25/07/2018 06:12

You need to see a solicitor asap.

It will be worth it.

Half the house? You may realistically be entitled to more. Have you sacrificed your career to support his? Does he earn a lot more?

Don't let him convince you half is the right thing.

Stop being so 'reasonable 'you're being screwed. Start being kind to yourself.

43percentburnt · 25/07/2018 06:16

Take legal advice on the quiet. If the solicitor thinks you are entitled to more than 50% then go for it. His pension is larger? Go for it.

I can assure you he will not spend his assets on uni fees for the kids, weddings, cars and grandkids. If you get what you are legally entitled to you can choose what to spend it on.

He is choosing to run up debt that you may end up paying for! Channel your anger and energy into find a good solicitor.