to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

[Maryzsnewaccount]

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

Sorry, that was a bit 'tough love'. But seriously? You need to start protecting yourself from him. Your kids are all adults, it's going to be crap for them but it's you who's in the firing line and has potentially the most to lose.

Have you seen any legal bods yet? Got any advice re:finances? Got financial information together in case anything is hidden etc? He could have been planning this for a while so don't put anything past him.

And please let everyone know of his little game ASAP.

Tell the dcs first. I know that things haven’t been easy for you. Not sure how things are now. But they deserve to know befire been told by someone form outside of the family. And they also need to know who their father is and how he is actually behaving.

And then the wider family, friends etc....

Don’t let him go away with murder. Soon he will start saying that it’s all your fault for not doing x or y (or for doing z) whilst ‘forgetting’ his know indiscretions.

Get proper legal advice, sort your stuff out and don't enable him any futher. You need to protect yourself

How are you feeling this morning, mary ?

Look at all this support for you. Have you anyone in RL you can confide the whole story in ? Carrying the load in this way will break you sooner rather than later

You have been far too sccomadating of his mid life stupidity at your own expense (emotionally and financially)

Please do not give up your job. You will need it when he turns properly nasty when he realises reliable wifey is starting to look out for herself

*accomodating

I've unfortunately heard of several cases of men doing this after a long marriage - you are not alone but how hurtful, I'm so sorry. Sit down with the kids and tell them. Is the cc account in your name? If so, cancel his card/access and clear the debt from any joint savings. If not, you should be ok. Don't change locks, do gather evidence of the affair and all his finances. Would you be sad to see the dog rehomed?

Maryz, I feel I know you after so long on here, and have always read your wise and calm advice thinking how sorted you are, despite the many challenges you've faced.

Time for you to put yourself first now. Enough is enough. He mustn't be allowed to get away with this crap. Hugs and

Oh mate. So sorry to hear this. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself then extricate yourself asap from this absolute fucker. Sending positive thoughts, he’s not fit to lick your boots

Tell your DC the facts. If you were my mum I'd want to know so I could support you. I wouldn't see it as a burden.

See the solicitor and get your ducks in a row, before you mention anything to him.
Absolutely do not allow him to use your money to finance his gf.

Dear God, Maryz, is that you?

I'm so sorry

Here for support and virtual hand-hold.

What an arsehole he is!

I was very much kept in the dark when my parents seperated and I was mid teens. To this day it drives me mad that I don’t know the full story. Please be honest with your DC.. they will appreciate it in the long run.

Bless you Maryz what a total shit he is Take care love x

Sorry, I started this thread last night, then had a massive row and went to bed. I'll come back in a bit and read properly. I've never had such a long thread!

Unfortunately under Irish law he's entitled to stay here; if I move out I'm not entitled to any social welfare or help with rent so I can't afford it.

To be fair to dd she's been doing what she can, and she does almost all the dog-minding while I'm at work and a lot around the house; she only has a few weeks left, then she's moving away. She can't afford a car, insurance is astronomical here. ds is working away for the next month, so that's why the dog is an issue at the moment. I know other people leave dogs all day, but I've never done it; I'm going to have to start I suppose.

I've seen a solicitor; until the house sells I'm stuck. And even then it won't sell for enough for me to buy somewhere outright. I'm not earning enough to get a mortgage, so I'm not sure how that will work out. I couldn't work for a long time because of issues with one of my children,, so have no decent job, no money, no pension and even if I work from now til I'm 65 I'm still looking at a pretty poor old age.

Basically the whole thing is a mess. All I asked was for him to (1) stop spending money and (2) give me notice if he was going to be away and he won't even do those things.

Basically I'm fucked.

I appreciate the support though.

Yes, tell the children in a calm, factual, dignified way. “I am really struggling at the moment and I need to be open with you about what is going on.” Tell them what has happened, and what the practical issues are, that you don’t expect them to take sides, but you will all need to work together to make sure that everything is dealt with, and how can you address all the practical issues together. Tell them that you feel emotional and overwhelmed but that isn’t their responsibility.

They will draw their own conclusions about who is behaving badly here.

And it will be good to have someone in tne House who has some understanding of how you feel.

Sorry Mary, x posted.

It is the law here (England) , too, that you can’t get a co-owner out of the house or change the locks unless there is a court order because of violence or co-ersion etc.

You should be entitled to half his pension on divorce though?

Maryz so sorry to see this is you.

What a pathetic cliche he is.

I agree with pps that now is time to put yourself first. You've been a fantastic mother, done everything possible to support and nurture your kids.
Now it's their turn to support you.

Great advice here, I won't repeat it.

You know what to do.

Maryz, dear, I’m gobsmacked. I can’t believe you’ve let it go this far without getting angry and standing up for yourself. There’s reasonable and then there’s unreasonably saintly, and you’ve definitely strayed into the latter territory. You sound as though you’re about to blow up, which is very common for someone who’s been trying so hard to be reasonable and not get angry. It would and will be fine if you do blow up, but there are better and less messy ways to move forward. Please get some advice IRL. Talk to someone. An adult who can properly hold your hand and help you make a plan, because honestly you sound all at sea with this.
You cannot go on letting him get away with walking all over you like this. You are an inherently kind person but it’s not kind TO YOURSELF to let this continue.
I’m not sure that changing the locks while he’s on holiday is the best first step – totally understandable but in a way you’re still avoiding standing up to him in real life. How can you say no to him now? How can you start the process of putting in more appropriate boundaries?

I’m really shocked, I remember your posts from a while ago and how on the Charlie Gard threads how often you were the voice of wisdom and compassion.
Please let us all support you now. I can’t bear the thought that you’re going through this.
What a shit he is.

💐 Maryz.

This is so awful. I am so sorry.

Regarding getting another mortgage in Ireland four years after you get a divorce you are classified as a first time buyer and can get a mortgage from the council if you cannot afford one on your own.

You need to start telling people what is going on. Your children are old enough to know the truth.

Cancel the credit card. Keep any evidence you have that he spent it on a holiday. Make sure that it is written into any agreement that the credit card debt is cleared by him once the house is sold.

Is the dog only an issue for a month while your ds is away? Are there any dog walkers in the area?

The housing market in Ireland is slow at the moment but hopefully will pick up in September.

Here is some advice from Bank of Ireland about closing accounts etc when splitting

personalbanking.bankofireland.com/fs/doc/wysiwyg/divorce-separation-final.pdf

Unfortunately under Irish law he's entitled to stay here; if I move out I'm not entitled to any social welfare or help with rent so I can't afford it Fuck that's harsh. I won't go into how angry some Irish treatment of women makes me. Is there a local women's aid that could advise you at all?

You should be entitled to half his pension on divorce though?
I don't know Irish law but I'd look into this.

Have you talked to any mortgage brokers - possibly if you’re working there is something you can get. If not renting can have advantages - no upkeep costs plus way easier to move possibly somewhere with more work.

Did they give any advice how to separate financial? I’d be closing any joint accounts and cancelling any joint credit cards.

I’d also inform people what is going on – including your children.

I think trying to keep things going is a common reaction –from watching friends and family – then you reach the point of realisation this isn’t going to get better. You need to stop being nice and get tough – think about your future go after any money stop trying to be fair and reasonable.

My information may be incorrect. You may be classified as a first time buyer sooner. Ring the Revenue Commissioners and they will give you the details. Also look at the RebuildingIreland scheme.

Maryz I'm so sorry he's treating you this way. You don't know me but I've seen your unstinting support for others on here over the years, you're a good 'un.

do you have a neighbour that could pop in and let the dog out at lunchtime? All day is a bit long but provided they get a decent morning and evening walk a quick wee stop in the middle will be fine just for a couple of weeks.

So sorry Maryz, he’s a twat. Agree with earlier advice about closing c/c account - not just cancelling your card, make sure the account is closed. Time for a solicitor as well, and remember they (solicitors) have probably seen and heard it all so lay it all out for them. I’m pretty sure you are entitled to half his pension or at least some portion of it.

As for the dog, could a neighbor take them out at lunchtime?

I would also be telling the kids, they will have picked up on a lot of it anyway and facts will be more helpful than speculation.

You are NOT fucked. You will come out of this fine in the end. Time to be proactive and start putting yourself first. Fuck him and his selfish holiday.