to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

[Maryzsnewaccount]

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

I wouldn't be keeping his behaviour quiet from the children, no.

@maryzsnewaccount

JEEEEZUS OP. You poor thing. You have put up with an inordinate amount of shit, and it's time to throw in the towel. What an absolute bastard he is. How dare he treat you with such vile contempt?

You definititely need to LTB, and soon. You are worth more than this, and he doesn't deserve to have you.

I hope he moves in with little miss sporty-mcperfect, and within 6 months, she fucks off with someone else and leaves your twatty husband in the cold.

Cunt.

See a solicitor TODAY, and start divorce proceedings. PLEASE!

He's provoking you. He wanted to hurt you with the girlfriend thing and when you were so reasonable he was disappointed. So now he's ramped it up.

He needs to fuck off.

I just want to add my voice to the support for you here. I have been on this site for a long while and think you are a cracker of a woman. Only things I could add are all vindictive actions and not really helpful for you. However, I will say - you must be under a huge amount of stress with all of this and it might be helpful to visit your GP. If you feel some time off work would make things any easier then allow the Dr to sign you off. Should that time coincide with the holiday, well then it solves a couple of the practical problems and also gives you more time while he is gone to get all your documentation and financial ducks in a row, time for legal appointments etc and also to go around the house with black bags putting every item of his in those and then (as you cannot legally throw him out or change the locks) organise the rooms in your home to give him the smallest of them as a bedroom - if possible with a single bed and a chair - and dump all of his stuff in there. Perhaps a cheap microwave too and kettle. If he doesn't like that, he always has the option of moving in with "her". At least then you can have some peace while selling the house.

Is it possible at all (once your children have all the information) that you and the kids could buy him out? I know that is a lot to ask of them, but if they are working it is possible you could then get a joint mortgage meaning the amount may then be enough to cover it. Even if in name only and you can make the repayments (if viable) If so then once they are ready to buy themselves it should be easier to change an existing mortgage in to just your name perhaps? I appreciate that I know very little about these kind of matters and so this may be a stupid suggestion...but it popped into my head so I thought I would say it - then at least others could point out that it was impossible IYSWIM but there was always a tiny chance that it might work and so worth mentioning it...despite likelihood of my looking like an arse

So sorry this has happened to you OP.
You sound like my sister who has been 'standing by her marriage' for FIVE years, while her H went of with an OW, refused to move out, spent loads of money etc etc.
It's still not resolved, and I wish she'd sorted it out 5 years ago.

You don't have to keep his secrets, and your DCs should know what is upsetting you. Good luck with everything. Stay strong.

Bloody hell Maryz
Time to put yourself first Mrs, let the kids know what an arse he is. I don't know how you've held it together, sending you
If I were in Ireland I'd look after your ddog myself and we'd set about digging a large hole in the garden

@onalongsabbatical that law is exactly the same in the U.K.- if house is jointly owned and no court orders, both parties can stay. Actually Irish divorce law tends to be better for SAHMs in particular, compared certainly to English, though it's a long drawn out process.

Agree getting decent legal advise is critical, and separating finances. You should have access to his pension, and ongoing support: you will need to demonstrate to the court you made sacrifices to raise the family and as a result you should get a higher proportion.

The county council mortgages are a good idea- fixed lower rate, etc etc. But that's going far into the future. For now, start getting the bet advise you can and maybe make an appointment with your bank and MABS- they'll know your entitlements, be able to advise on implications of closing bank accounts etc.

Maryz what an awful situation.

You are not f**ked though! A brilliant, strong, fantastic woman like you will find a way through.

Ask for help, tell people, look at options in calm times when the hurt, pain and anger has subsided at least for a bit. Your best revenge is success in your own life. Destroying thinks may feel good but it won’t help you go forward at the moment.

FWIW you wouldn’t get benefits in England either if you moved out “making yourself intentionally homeless” unless there was violence.

My mum had your scenario fter 36 years of marriage. Now she’s in her 80s with her own flat, doing grand. You can do it

If he is going on holiday he pays kennels or a sitter for the dog. Get the divorce sorted quickly, split all assets by half. Get separate credit cards

*thinks= things

What an absolute shit he is.

You need to stop allowing him to treat you (and your family) like this. He's despicable and he needs to go now. Is there any real reason why he couldn't move out this weekend? Where he goes is his problem, not yours.

You know you need to get legal advice, don't you? And get copies of every financial or legal document you might need asap before he gets chance to spirit stuff away.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you will be able to sell your house soon as living with him must be a total nightmare. I would tell your children what is happening as they must know that something is going on. As for financial difficulties, I don't know anything about Irish Law, but won't you be entitled some of his pension if you divorce? I don't know how close you are to pension age but at least that will mean that your won't be poor after retirement age.

Thanks red what about the second bit though? if I move out I'm not entitled to any social welfare or help with rent so I can't afford it it was as much that as the staying in the house bit I was responding to. If a woman isn't entitled to help if she moves out voluntarily then she's trapped. I'm a bit out of date with this stuff, sorry, laws aren't my strong point.
I'm incandescent that Maryz can be going though this and she can't legally chuck him out or get away and get help.

if house is jointly owned and no court orders, both parties can stay

Yea my DSis ended up stuck in house for over 18 months with ex as the were joint owners and housing market had just slowed down - she got stuck paying the mortgage as he refused and he brought his new GFs round to stop – at least one of them had a go at her insisted she and their child should leave as they believed house was just his as he was the “man”.

You need legal advice ASAP!

Maryz, so sorry to hear you're going through this crap. You do not deserve this.

Off the top of my head - yes, be honest with the children. Yes, keep your job. Your DD will have to get herself to her placement for a fortnight - a lift or a taxi.

It sounds like you're the one doing all the work to keep everyone together/functioning - so common that the woman does this during a break-up, while the man's off having a mid-life crisis

You have adult DC living at home - be honest - should they start contributing a bit more, rather than you being the one who holds everything together? Can they care for the dog? Give lifts?

Get legal advice.

YANBU

Sorry Maryz, I managed to x-post with your 9.16am post Don't know how I managed that!

Just

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Laws here suck!! I think you really need to get in and see a solicitor. Start the legal separation so that finances can be separated and brought into order. That'll focus him as it seems right now he's just doing as he pleases and to hell with anyone else.
Agree with pp that you need to give the fact to your children
Also my own daughter is walking dogs for some neighbours who are away so maybe you know a young person who would like to make a few euro while you're stuck

What a horrible man. It’s not your fault. At least you are angry now but use this anger wisely.

See a solicitor. Stop the credit card. Keep your job. Tell your kids. Get your kids to help you out. Get a plan and a date that you are to get him to move out. Or sell the house. Whatever is going to work don’t let him drag it out any more.

Go on your own holiday as soon as you can. Even a weekend. Go on a walking one or where you are not alone and treat yourself.

Maryz so sorry you are going through this.

Please go see a solicitor and get everything sorted. Get yourself distangled from this male as much as possible. Even if you have to stay in the house with him make sure he is not using everything leaving you with nothing.

Who is the first named card holder on the credit card? Who made the initial application? Because in UK you don't technically have a joint card you have a first and second( or additional) named card holder. The person who is the first named can ask for the second card to be stopped so no new spending goes in it. I'm guessing though that it's not you but him who applied. However, the debt he has run up is both of yours so you have 'joint and several liability' for the WHOLE debt. I know you are reeling but this stuff is important and you need to sit down and gather all you financial stuff together and work out how much debt he has got you both into. Even if you change the locks with only adult children ( unless still in FT education) I think he has rights to his marital home. Personally I would serve divorce papers on him immediately. I once had to do this in an emergency ( abuse) situation and I arranged it in a matter of days.once he has the papers it will bring him up short and hopefully make him think.

Good luck

Oh Maryz. What a shitty situation. I’m really sorry you are going through this. You have been far too bloody nice. Time to get serious.

1 Tell the children. They deserve to know. They need to know.

2 Get all your paperwork together.
3 See a solicitor.
4 Tell some trusted friends if you haven’t already.

5 Start making a plan.

Lots of people around here to support you as you have supported so many over the years.

Time to get angry and kick ass!

This is one of the shittiest things I’ve read on here in a long time

Another one here that thinks you need to tell the dc. You’ve been so considerate and accommodating, but now is the time for YOU.

Harness your anger and use it

Surely though, you would be entitled to a greater share of the assets (ie the value of the house) given that you have facilitated his job while you were looking after the kids? It's not usually straightforward as 50/50, particularly given you can't afford a mortgage.

Stay strong. Could you contact women's aid? He's despicable.

However, the debt he has run up is both of yours so you have 'joint and several liability' for the WHOLE debt.

Is that true? I thought that the main card holder would be responsible for all the debt.