to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

[Maryzsnewaccount]

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

And agree with Angels about the dog - when he goes away, he pays for the dog to go to kennels or it gets rehomed. His responsibility.

Just to add, it’s worth finding out how much his sports equipment is worth so it’s taken into account in the divorce settlement- for example, cyclists can have multiple bikes which together are worth tens of thousands of pounds . ( I’ve heard some say , only half-joking, is that their wives will sell their bikes for what they’ve said the bikes are worth).

If Popsy is loaded, tell him to go & live with her while the divorce is organised, he will get a share of the house when it's sold.

He needs to take responsibility for this treacherous behaviour, the DC must be told, he is making this farce "normal"

I hope you have stopped doing everything for him like washing and ironing and cooking and basically everything that would make his life easier.

What does his gf think about him living with you?

Was it a huge shock?

I can’t imagine how you are feeling but after 7 months, it’s time you started caring about you.

It's still family money though Dungeon whichever way you look at it. If he doesn't pay it off (which he won't) it will have to come out of joint assets.

It's still family money though Dungeon whichever way you look at it. If he doesn't pay it off (which he won't) it will have to come out of joint assets.

Whether or not OP takes her name off the credit card won't effect that though. It will just effect whether she has access to credit at the moment.

It's not really clear, are your dc's aware of the situation? They are all adults, so it's time to make them aware if you haven't already. You are as worthy a human being as everyone else in your home, why take everything on your own shoulders?

Ask your feckless DH what he intends to do about the dog while he's away. Surely his wealthy sidepiece can fork out the money for kennel fees? And do none of your other adult dc's drive? Could one of them support your DD with her placement?

It sounds like you may be running around managing and enabling the lives of everyone in your home? You raised your family. Once you're rid of your charming DH it's time to start taking care of yourself.

What a fucking nightmare Maryz, so sorry to read this and hope you can get through as unscathed as possible

To answer a few questions: yes, the kids know about the affair - I made him tell them - and that he's refusing to move out, and also that we are going to have to sell the house. And yes, ds does drive and takes dd when he is here (and she gets taxis (or three buses in the evening; in the mornings no public transport can get her there).

I've told everyone he's having an affair; my friends think he's a bollocks, his friends (who used to be my friends) all seem to think it's hunky dory, and are welcoming her into their circle. I haven't heard a dicky-bird from people I've known and thought were friends for 35 years. Luckily I have my own friends and they are being wonderful.

ds is a student (no grants here) so needs to work all summer to save for term time; dd is an intern on less than minimum wage and is saving to pay a deposit for accommodation to go with her proper job in the autumn.The kids have been self-supporting when it comes to their spending money since they were 16 - both work and study hard. They aren't laying about the house expecting me to do things for them at all.

I've covered up some of his dickishness, because it's hard to tell kids that their father is a complete asshole.

We were only just about managing financially before this (with me being very careful). If I spend money to match his spending it will build up more debt, he can claim he's repaying it, so will give me less and without him I can't pay the bills. And he has no pension.

I know it's frustrating to see threads on MN where the op refuses all advice and just says "that won't work", but believe me I've considered all the options and gradually, over time, ruled them out. I've been to a solicitor; until the house sells I have to stay here. I won't have to repay the borrowed money; he is organising it into a proper loan, but if he moves out his rent and loan repayments will be deducted from his pay before it's worked out what he has to give me, so I won't have enough to pay the bills here. A smaller house is the answer for me, but I can't buy one if we can't sell this one .... and we are back to square one again.

I'm gritting my teeth and remaining calm and polite not because I want to or because I'm a doormat, but because the only alternative is screaming rows and throwing stuff around, which won't make any difference to the outcome. And the one thing I want to come out of this with is a smidgen of self-respect

Your "D"H needs to made to understand that while he may be checking out of his marriage, he's still part of a family, and doesn't get to throw all responsibilities out of the window.

The dog is his responsibility. Inform him that if he doesn't make plans, the dog will go to the shelter within an hour of his leaving.

All the for you.
A houseful (so there's no room for arsebadgers)

[flowers

Sweetheart you're a long way from being a mug or an idiot, you can hold your head high.

Tons of respect, admiration and affection for you on MN.

I do think he should take total responsibility for the bloody dog.
Or it should be re-homed.

I also hope you are not doing his washing or cooking for him. If he insists on being there I would make it as uncomfortable and inconvenient as possible.

I'm so pleased to hear that your children are doing so well and that your relationship with them is good.

More and some for later.

For you Maryz. For so long you have been giving good advice on here, now I think you have been given good advice yourself.

You are in a hard place, it must be really difficult right now, but even though you still inhabit the same house, I think you need to act as if you don't. Don't do his washing, and don't tell me you've been ironing for him? He needs his own room which he cleans and if you have one, his own bathroom. Don't cook for him or buy him food. If this means locks on some cupboards then so be it. Stop doing his organisation- let him forget his car tax and insurance and whatever.

Sort out separate finances, don't let him borrow in your name. You look like you have to stick it out till the house sells, so live separately in the same house.

I am sorry about your ex friends, that must have hurt.

Oh, his dog, his problem.

Keep strong, not very Mumsnety I know

At the very least you MUST separate your finances.

Him realising you won’t have the piss taken any longer is going to feel so cathartic for you OP x

So is getting the house sold the top priority really in allowing you to be shot of him?
Is your estate agent doing all they can, is it priced competitively?
Your h is being so cruel and I can’t wait to read that he has finally become a distant memory.

I don't know what the hell people/so called friends are thinking when they don't bother ringing or texting to say they hope you are OK. It's completely spineless behaviour. Sadly it's all too normal though.

As for his friends who think it's great craic to be unfaithful and slap each other on the back - there are no words!!!

The reality is those men end up in distant relationships with their kids who almost always support their mother.

It's pathetic. You hear them complain that the kids don't bother with them. This is precisely the same with my brother. To put it crudely he put his before his kids. Trust me in the long run they end up estranged and lonely.

His new plaything is an idiot. She must be completely clueless if she trusts him. It is just so effin predictable. The decent friends he had will not be impressed.

You hold your head up. The kids trust you. If you are upset ring Women's Aid or the Samaritans for a chat. Although you feel alone there are so many people in your shoes. We will support you from afar just as you supported us over the years.

I've seen you offer the most sensible and compassionate advice on here. I hope you feel the many posters' virtual support.
Don't quit your job. Make sure he knows the dog is his problem to solve.
Is it feasible to drop the price of the house - would that help it to sell quicker?
It sounds intolerable for you. He is a cruel and shallow shit. I hope you soon see a way out of this.

No advice to give Maryz, but you seem to be managing this with dignity.

You are quite right about not fighting as there is nothing to be gained, a lot of us don't even know that or knowing it, don't put it into practice.

And by the way she will never trust him and he will never trust her once the glow dims on their great passion. They are just two middle aged clichés. Pass the bucket!

As I mentioned earlier my brother did this. His 2 gorgeous grown boys (late teen/early 20) were horrified and lost all respect for him. They both came to blows with him. Their grandparents, my parents, were not impressed with their son's behaviour and were extremely upset for the boys.

If the marriage had broken down and their father had behaved with decency the boys would have coped ok. As it stands they don't go out of their way to see their father.

My brother's new love has 3 kids 14 - 21 who he now lives with. They can't stand my brother and by all accounts the feeling is mutual. The Waltons it is not!!!

My brother will end up very lonely and full of regrets. His new friend will realise he hasn't got as much disposal cash as she thinks and rows will ensue.

OP one thing you will always be able to do is hold your head up high x

It sounds as if you know what you are doing. I can understand that you don't want to fight but I think that he needs I think he is taking advantage of your reasonableness. He needs to know (whether or not it is true) that you will rehome the dog rather than give up your job.

It sounds as if you know what you are doing. I can understand that you don't want to fight but I think that he needs I think he is taking advantage of your reasonableness. He needs to know (whether or not it is true) that you will rehome the dog rather than give up your job.

Drop the dog over to his house and refuse to take him home.