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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

208 replies

Maryzsnewaccount · 25/07/2018 00:45

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

OP posts:
StripySocksAndDocs · 25/07/2018 07:24

No you wouldn't be unreasonable to react like that. But on account of the fact to your children are without full information you might, tell then what's happened first.

You're doing no body par the self centered man any favours. Starting thinking about you.

rollingonariver · 25/07/2018 07:24

Is this real? What an arsehole. You have the patience of a saint.
Divorce him and cancel any joint cards etc.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 25/07/2018 07:24

toomany he might have responsibility to paid the debts BUT when it comes to split the assets, this debt will come under the family debt that they will bith have to pay.
That means that in effect the OP will loose half of whatever he has spent (form the money made from the house sale for example).

Gncq · 25/07/2018 07:25

I'll just second that changing the locks on him could get you into serious legal trouble.

The dog is his responsibility, PP suggested dropping the dog off at the gf house and let them sort out kennelling/dog sitting for the holiday. You need to make it clear somehow gat you won't be picking up that responsibility.

Your children need and deserve to know the whole truth.

Speak to the bank about this credit card. Remove yourself from the debt immediately.

ScrubTheDecks · 25/07/2018 07:29

See a solicitor.

My guess is the children know but are not mentioning it to protect you.

You cannot give up your job to mind the dog! Warn Dd now so that she can look for a lift share, or prepare to cycle to a statio or bus stop or something.

Re-home the dog.

What does your selfish dick of an ex think will happen while he swans off again?

It sounds as if the whole household has always rested on ‘Mum picks up the slack.’. Get a dog...get a work placement you can’t travel to....

Really sorry he has treated you like this. He deserves a big nasty dose of reality.

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2018 07:30

What a shit. Are you Maryz? The poster that's pointed out about no such thing as joint credit card has a good point - there's always one main account holder and then you can get additional cards, if he's on your account cancel it how. Of course if you are on his.... Wink

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 25/07/2018 07:31

What a horrible selfish man. You’ve been a saint to try this hard, but you can’t try to fix a marriage without the other person trying too.

As a PP mentioned, there’s no such thing as a joint credit card - you can have an additional card holder but only one person can be liable for the account. Is it your name or his?

You need legal advice quickly, and work on moving any money that’s yours (half of everything at the minimum) to a safe place. Go and see a solicitor today. He’s wanted to have his cake and eat it but this farce needs to end here. And tell your children for truth.

Quartz2208 · 25/07/2018 07:33

You are trying to counter his complete unreasonableness with being reasonable

Get legal advice and start sroting out finances

and tell your children they must know their Dad is continually on holiday without them. And dont feel guilty you have not done anything wrong

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 25/07/2018 07:35

Why are you being so nice to him? He's being awful to you and he's going to take everything he can from you.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/07/2018 07:35

Yes, it is Maryz, very, very longstanding poster. She had to create a new account a month or so ago after a log in issue. All there on Advanced Search.

Belindabauer · 25/07/2018 07:37

Scrub is right. Everyone has treated you as good old mum who will sort everything out, well not any more.
Get legal advice and stop facilitating your h.

Your marriage is dead im afraid to say and has been for a long time.

Is your home mortgage free?

You can leave at any time you don't have to stay and sometimes Ledbetter your own health of you leave and start afresh.

Stop listening to your h, he doesn't care about you so think about yourself from now on.
The kids and dog will survive.

Please talk to a real life friend too.

Butterymuffin · 25/07/2018 07:38

What a shit he's been.

I'd like to see you turn your attentions to yourself instead of making life nicer for all the other adults in your life

This x 1000 Flowers

UrsulaPandress · 25/07/2018 07:41

Dear god Maryzed. Cannot believe you have put up with this shit. You have always come across as strong and sensible. I realise you are trying to protect everyone but seriously you need to throw the twat out.

Toofle · 25/07/2018 07:42

Time to be contrary, Mary.

BobbleHat102 · 25/07/2018 07:49

Maryz ...big hugs to you. This is awful. I've name changed for this.

Over a decade ago my mother was in the same situation. 30 years married, found out my dad had a new gf on the side who he'd been seeing while she went through treatment for a serious medical condition and dealt with the loss of a parent. My siblings and I were in our 20s at the time but staying at home to assist with her care. After several months of "i don't know if i will go or stay" bollocks from him she had enough and booted him. I honestly don't think it ever crossed his mind that she would do that, he took her completely for granted. Sounds to me like you have the same issue - three decades of being a loyal spouse and mother, and thats the level of respect?

I wanted to offer you a perspective from someone who has been the child in this situation.

You need to see a good solicitor as soon as possible and start divorce proceedings. He has checked out of the marriage, you need to do so too. I also recommend being honest with your kids, they are adults. Yes it will hurt but they need to understand why he has to leave. His relationship with them is not your problem. They will understand why you need to kick him out. For your sake you need to cut ties and move on with your life. Nobody wants to see their mum being treated like dirt.

It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. My mum is now much happier than she has ever been. My siblings and I now have an ok relationship with our dad and the gf (now wife) but this could never have been the case if we didn't see mum being happy again. And if your kids decide they are too angry to have a relationship with him, that's their prerogative as adults. You are not responsible for the consequences of his behaviour, he is.

After 30+ years of marriage and with behaviour like this you would probably be awarded 60/40 split in a divorce and even if the house were to be sold you could still get somewhere decent for yourself. My mum certainly did!

Please take legal advice and consider that your kids, relatives and friends are most likely to be incredibly supportive. Be honest with them. Change the locks and tell him to fuck off. His behaviour is disgraceful and going forward, you need to demand respect. Your kids will respect you more for this, not less.

lilypoppet · 25/07/2018 07:58

Send him off on holiday with a smile, then get a hot lawyer and change the locks. NEVER let him back in.

ICantThinkOfAGoodOne · 25/07/2018 08:02

I agree with an earlier poster - get yourself to a solicitor post haste.

I'd also say to tell your kids. It'll be hard, but try to be as calm as possible (although it sounds like you have mastered this already!)

You're not a mug either - you put 32 years of your life into this relationship, of course you would want to try and salvage something from it but he clearly doesn't feel the same way. In fact, he's taking huge advantage of your good nature.

It's time for him to follow through and leave (taking his debts with him).

VladmirsPoutine · 25/07/2018 08:08

If the kids are all adults now I'd tell them; they should know exactly what a conniving shit is is being.
Stop being so reasonable, he clearly is riding rough shod over all your attempts to behave like adults and deal accordingly.

LittleLionMansMummy · 25/07/2018 08:12

Is there any way you can get hold of details of bookings and cancel them? He's effectively using your money (since you'll be equally liable for debts) to go on holidays with the ow. Whatever your assets are worth, they'll be eaten away by the debts run up by this utter wankpuffin. Please try to cancel and immediately seek legal advice. You must be under so much stress op, not only with everything you're having to do daily but emotionally having to deal with the knowledge that he's carrying on like this. I'm usually against involving children in separations but they're adults and he's behaved like an absolute dick.

NoSquirrels · 25/07/2018 08:14

Don’t get mad. Don’t tell him any of that shit.

Agree that if he goes on holiday he needs to kennel the dog, and tell DD she’ll need to sort another arrangement with her dad fur that period.

Icily calmly get your finances and ducks in a row.

THEN get mad.

arranfan · 25/07/2018 08:16

YANBU.

As PP have siad, you do need to sort the finances because he's taking advantage of you (in line with his current behaviour in other ways).

You need to tell the children.

As others say, you can not change the locks - you must get appropriate advice. Depending on your DC's circumstances, you might be able to retain the house for a while (Mesher order).

FunkyHeroCat · 25/07/2018 08:18

Maybe someone's already said this, but why can't your grown up children who live at home look after the dog?

And rather than lose your job, why can't you get your DD to sort out her own transportation for two weeks, I'm sure she's got a friend who can give her a lift temporarily. If she's over 18, she really needs to take a bit of responsibility for this, and losing your job over it sounds a bit over the top.

I'd also be getting legal advice as soon as you can - what your husband has done/is doing is just blatantly wrong, you need to know your rights.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/07/2018 08:20

Maryz wtaf? Why are you protecting him? He's got no love or respect for you.

BoreOfWhabylon · 25/07/2018 08:20

For anyone wondering, this is definitely MN's Maryz. She had to make a new account a while ago.

She has been here for years and has been tireless in her support of other posters.

Time for us to support her in any way we can.

Are there any Irish legal types around?

FunkyHeroCat · 25/07/2018 08:21

And go and have a holiday on your joint cc if he is - that can work two ways! Wink

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