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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he should never come back, I'm done

208 replies

Maryzsnewaccount · 25/07/2018 00:45

I've been married for 32 years. In all that time I've supported my husband, made sure he managed to keep up his hobby (a sport), sorted the kids, the money and the house.

On January 1st this year he told me he had a girlfriend he's been seeing for a while; she apparently does the sport, she's lovely, young, fit and wealthy; he'd been seeing her for a while, he was going to carry on seeing her but he wasn't moving our because, why should he, the house is half his.

Since then I've been polite and reasonable, agreed to all suggestions including selling the house so he could get half (unfortunately the buyer pulled out so we are back to square one); I haven't badmouthed him to the kids (all over 18 but still living at home). I've been positive and tried to minimise the negatives for everyone. I've got a job, taken dd to work (not managable by public transport), picked up the pieces for everyone while he's had multiple holidays abroad with the gf and taken out a loan on our joint credit card;

He's just admitted to booking another holiday in September, which means he can't look after the dog on my work days - I work at night so dog doesn't have to be left too long; he was the one ho wanted to take on the dog, I didn't or drop dd to her placement for two weeks. I can''t do it unless I give up work.

AIBU to tell him that if he goes on this holiday he shouldn't come back. That I'll change the locks an destroy his belongings. And tell the kids the truth about the finances, the house and how much of a shit he's been.

AIBU to stop being a mug?

OP posts:
NotBuiltForThisWorld · 25/07/2018 10:51

I'd be inclined to do it this way - just some thoughts, obv you know the ins and outs of your situation better than us lot....

  1. Tell the DC. They need to support you.
  2. Tell fucking EVERYONE - trust me, once his sordid behaviour is open to public scrutiny you'll find you have a lot of allies and he'll be inclined to be slightly less of a cunt, for fear of further disapproval
  3. Withdraw as much money as you can
  4. Use it for deposit on affordable place for just you
  5. Leave him with the dog and the kids and the bills
  6. Petition for divorce.

You shouldn't have to move out but practically it might make more sense for you to do so - I'm guessing the house is large to house all those adults and so the outgoings are going to be a pain, and if he's the one who goes I bet he won't be cooperative in contributing.

The kids are too big to be considered a factor in you staying in the family home in a divorce (although fairness would suggest he should bloody well just piss off out of pure decency).

If you find a space for yourself you can focus on just you, and your job - focusing on yourself sounds long overdue!

It sounds like the situation's gone on long enoiugh - you must be under intolerable amounts of pressure and you are incredibly strong!

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2018 10:51

I have just checked and credit card debts are the responsibility of the main cardholder (unlike other debts) so if OP is the second card holder she doesn't need to worry about it. If she is the main cardholder she should cancel his card now!

Fairenuff · 25/07/2018 10:53

Bloody hell Maryz so angry that he's treating you like that.

Get your name off that credit card pronto!

That woman will drop him like a hot potato when his money dries up and he knows it so he will keep spending.

Bugger.

Feb2018mumma · 25/07/2018 10:59

You are an amazing person... Get rid of the man... Who cares that house is half his... 'Bye bye cheaty man we can settle this in court and you're a cheat so I am getting half and your paying off the credit card! Go on holiday because you havent got a home here my friend!!! Also KIDS come down stairs, daddy is a cheat and has been taking my money for holidays for his secret lover'... Let's be honest it's not a girl friend, you can't have a girlfriend when married! It's a slutty lover who needs to take her sloppy man into her house rather than have him live with his saint of an ex wife!

lapenguin · 25/07/2018 11:01

Do you not have to counter sign or at least agree to a loan on a joint credit card?
Contact a solicitor and contact the card company, tell them you did not authorise it

MiggledyHiggins · 25/07/2018 11:02

Maryz, we've chatted occasionally on Craicnet, and I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

He's a cunt. By all means nurse murderous fantasies towards him but in reality, see his pathetic goading for what it is. Tell everyone. You have nothing to be ashamed of, everyone around will see him for the pathetic twat he is.

While he's distracted by his new woman, I'd get moving on officially separating if you haven't already. You can still co-habit but there are ways to prove that you are living separately.

I'd seek a second opinion from another solicitor as I think being the primary carer for all those years does count for a lot. My neighbour divorced her husband in her late sixties and was a SAHM all her life. The children were adults with families of their own and the judge awarded her the family house and decent maintenance outright despite the wanker pleading he was a poor farmer when he was actually fairly solvent.

lapenguin · 25/07/2018 11:03

Also I agree, tell the kids. They are old enough to handle it and if anything it is a teaching moment for them on how not to treat your partner, even when splitting up.

DroningOn · 25/07/2018 11:03

Time to speak to a solicitor, especially if he's taking out credit in your name to spend on the GF

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2018 11:04

Get your name off that credit card pronto!

Why get her name off if he is the main cardholder though? I would do the opposite and spend on it. Perhaps withdraw cash too.

Mammalamb · 25/07/2018 11:04

Get thee to a solicitor pronto

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2018 11:08

Why do people keep telling OP to see a solicitor? She has already done that. Why tell her to get her name off their credit card. If he is the main account holder it is his debt and his problem. If she is the main account holder she can't "get her name off it". It is her debt so she needs to cancel the card. Considering that she didn't have a job until recently it is probably all his debt though.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/07/2018 11:11

Mary is there by way you can freeze all joint accounts so he can’t create any more debt under joint names?

I would quite honestly first of all drain every single penny from joint accounts first.

Set up separate accounts under your name only. But do this only if you can afford to pay bills yourself as once bank accounts are frozen no money can leave accounts you can only put money in.

Go back to your solicitor and ask if there’s anything to be done about your stbxh getting you both into debt to finance is new girlfriend.

Tell everyone and rally around support, you can’t do this alone. And I wouldn’t give a shit about covering for his sorry arse.

Re-home the dog or as a PP suggested drop it off at new girlfriends. If you don’t want to keep it.

Find out exactly what you will be entitled to and ensure you have copies of everything his payslips and pensions and anything else that may be of value and make sure you get what you are entitled to. I hope he gets the shits on holiday.

GahWhatever · 25/07/2018 11:13

All the things that PP have said, plus get him to pay for kennels while he's away. Do not give up your job.

carbuckety · 25/07/2018 11:15

dungeondragon it depends on who is the first named card holder. If it's him he is liable solely BUT credit card companies can come after joint assets eg house to recover that debt. It's extremely complicated unpicking joint and sole debt in divorce so OP needs a specialist advisor. I think that's the first thing to do then serve him

PolkaHots · 25/07/2018 11:20

I am so sorry to hear about your predicament.

You always give such wise advice on here, what advice would you give yourself if you came across this OP?

Chasingcars123 · 25/07/2018 11:21

Mary you literally were my silent partner when I was rearing my two (bonkers) teenagers. You kept me sane. I still repeat 'ignore, ignore, ignore' the odd time. You are a lovely person and an amazing mother.

I'm sorry you are going through this. To be honest there's not a heck of a lot you can do at the moment. My SIL was in the exact same situation, dog included! All you can do is tell everyone including the kids. He needs to be shamed.

He might feel like Lord of the Manor but other people won't think his behaviour is decent. My brother lost a lot of friends because of his lack of respect to my SIL. It wasn't the marriage breakdown that lost him his reputation, it was his treatment of his wife and kids.

If the children love the dog don't sweat it. Can your husband move to a spare room or sleep downstairs? If he so much as raises his voice to you ring the guards. Do not cook, clean or iron anything of his.

Completely ignore him. That will freak him out. See a solicitor asap. The bill will go on to account and get settled when things are concluded.

Get support from people you trust. Best wishes Mary you are up to this task. It won't be easy but you've reared your kids brilliantly, in very tough circumstances at times. No better woman for the job!

Im sending you love, support and friendship.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2018 11:22

dungeondragon it depends on who is the first named card holder

I know that!! My point is that they won't be jointly liable. It is either his debt or hers. If it is his debt (most likely) then he is responsible for the debt. If it is hers then she can't get her name off it. She can only cancel the card to stop him spending. The debt will still be hers though and not his. As she didn't have a job it is probably his debt though.

If it's him he is liable solely BUT credit card companies can come after joint assets eg house to recover that debt.

That will happen whether or not she gets her name off the card though! If he is the main card holder, removing her name will just mean that OP is less able to spend. It will have no effect on her H's spending.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/07/2018 11:22

dungeondragon it depends on who is the first named card holder

I know that!! My point is that they won't be jointly liable. It is either his debt or hers. If it is his debt (most likely) then he is responsible for the debt. If it is hers then she can't get her name off it. She can only cancel the card to stop him spending. The debt will still be hers though and not his. As she didn't have a job it is probably his debt though.

If it's him he is liable solely BUT credit card companies can come after joint assets eg house to recover that debt.

That will happen whether or not she gets her name off the card though! If he is the main card holder, removing her name will just mean that OP is less able to spend. It will have no effect on her H's spending.

Mix56 · 25/07/2018 11:36

His pension is half yours. If he keeps his whole pension you keep a bigger % of the house

Trinity66 · 25/07/2018 11:40

bloody hell, you poor thing, I don't know how you managed to stay so composed what a terrible way to be treated after so long together, what happens to people to change them into such cruel monsters :( The faster you separate yourselves the better for your sanity i think

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 25/07/2018 11:46

A lot of people are giving advice about the legal position re debts and pension, but Mary is in the Republic of Ireland. It might not be the same there.

I think telling everyone is the way to go. The facts will speak for themselves. A dear friend of mine was in a not dissimilar position recently. Her husband behaved abysmally badly to her after a long marriage - no physical abuse, but the lack of honesty, respect and kindness for her was horrible. When their family and friends found out, all the support was for her. Their adult children maintain a relationship with their father for the sake of the grandchildren as much as anything, but it's strained. His focus is increasingly on the new woman's family. Sad

AngelsSins · 25/07/2018 11:49

Re the dog, even if this is something you would never do, you need to make him believe that if he doesn’t sort out kennels for whilst he’s away, you will re-home the dog. He doesn’t get to just dump his responsibilities on you.

Also, stop covering for him, tell the kids, tell his parents, your parents, anyone you want. Time to him for realise you’re no longer going to dance to his tune. I hope to god you’re no longer doing his washing or anything like that either!

longwayoff · 25/07/2018 11:59

Do everything on here. Best wishes, stay strong, finances first tho or he will turn you over.

Inertia · 25/07/2018 12:15

It sounds like he has noted your willingness to be reasonable and to protect the children, and is taking the absolute piss.

Are your children aware that he is having an affair, and is trying to leave you destitute? They need to know the truth, especially as it will affect their own housing security.

There seems to be little point in threatening to lock him out- it sounds as though he can get back in anyway. Keeping the moral high ground here means acting legally, though I would be absolutely honest with everyone I knew about his behaviour.

As others have said, you need to act swiftly to protect your share of joint financial assets and avoid being liable for his debt.

It sounds like he might be trying to spend cash assets as fast as possible, so that he has less to split once the divorce comes through. F finances allow, it might be worth you making big purchases (car/ car servicing/ insurance/ laptop etc) now, before finances are split in the divorce.