Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Meal out with OW and mutual friend

182 replies

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:19

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

OP posts:

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 23/07/2018 11:20

Excuse - but tell the truth. Why would you cover for them?

TemptressofWaikiki · 23/07/2018 11:20

Tell the visiting friend.

NewYearNewMe18 · 23/07/2018 11:21

Make excuses, alcohol will be flowing and that's a recipe for disaster. The outcome will not be dignified.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:23

NewYearNewMe18 actually, A and me are tee-total and B will be driving so no alcohol.

I'm not telling people because I don't want to. Not about covering it up, just I don't want people involved in my private business. It's how all this started!

OP posts:

TheLionRoars1110 · 23/07/2018 11:23

Tell the visiting friend. Maybe they can fit you in separately or you can go early?

SugarIsAmazing · 23/07/2018 11:23

What is an 'emotional affair'?

Shortstuff08 · 23/07/2018 11:24

I would tell friend A. Simply say you would love to see him, but as B is going you think it will be uncomfortable and tell him what your dh and friend b did.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 23/07/2018 11:25

I wouldn’t go and I would tell friend A why.

raisedbyguineapigs · 23/07/2018 11:26

Could you tell her what happened and see if she can meet up before for drinks? It's not your fault that this person did what she did. You shouldn't have to be the one to protect her feelings/ reputation.

timeisnotaline · 23/07/2018 11:28

Tell the friend and say you won’t speak to her. Does Ows dh know?

Shortstuff08 · 23/07/2018 11:30

Well if you don't want to tell friend A why, you need to not go. Or accept that you will have to see b in social settings and try and move past it.

Not going to things could result in ending friendships.

You are working at moving past with your dh, so you may be able to do it with friend b eventually.

Hereward1332 · 23/07/2018 11:32

YABU. You have to go, hold your head up, be dazzling and witty and make B like she is the lowest of the low. You didn't come on to her husband - she is the one who should have to duck out.

notacooldad · 23/07/2018 11:33

I would go tbh.
You have done nothing wrong and I would be sending a message that you won't be hiding from anything.
It would also be important for me to see my friend.
I know it's not an easy thing to do though.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:37

Does Ows dh know I don't know. I haven't spoken to him about it.

She claims to anyone who asks why we aren't speaking that she doesn't know why (I never confronted her about it, just dealt with my marriage). So I doubt that she has spoken to him about it.

SugarIsAmazing an emotional affair is one where two people make an emotional connection which usually goes along with an intimate relationship. Where that discuss things (usually regarding their feelings, emotions and own marriages) which should be reserved for their actual marriages/ partners. It usually leads to a deep emotional connection which becomes romantic.

In DHs case, he and B were going out for drinks and talking about what a crap wife I was, how I wasn't meeting his needs and how I was forcing him to stay home with sad old me and the baby, rather than letting him go out with friends. She used information I told her in a best friend capacity to drive a wedge between me and DH. Due to my PND I retreated further in to myself, thought they were right and encouraged him to go out more and more. It got to the point where DH and I weren't talking and he was spending all his time with her, giving her all his emotional resources and leaning on her. I found out the extent of it when I found he'd booked them a night away in a fancy hotel.

I'd like to add DH hasn't got off scott free (as in I'm not blaming her for it all, though I do feel more betrayed by her for reasons I won't go in to), we've really had to work on our marriage, had counselling, I've had treatment for my MH and we are working on it still.

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 23/07/2018 11:39

I wouldn't go. Either there'll be an argument or there'll be 'atmosphere', it won't make for a fun night.

I understand you don't want to make your private business public but I think your friend is in the middle now and may be suspecting something quite trivial as to why you aren't speaking to the OW. If they aren't a particularly close/good friend then just make your apologies but I'd they are, I'm sure they can keep your confidence.

ToadOfSadness · 23/07/2018 11:40

I understand why you would want to keep it private but you can't let her dictate how you live your life.

I would make it clear on arrival to everyone that you are here to see A and the others, but that you won't be interacting with B because they tried to break up your marriage while you were at a very low point. Then enjoy the evening and say no more about it.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:43

You are working at moving past with your dh, so you may be able to do it with friend b eventually not a chance in hell.

I've already ended friendships because of it, and happy to continue to do so if it safeguards my marriage and my mental health. If I never had to see her again it would be too soon. She has hurt me in ways I cannot describe.

She is also completely unable to see how her behaviour is unreasonable and inappropriate (she has form for this unfortunately) and continues to display these behaviours with DH (who moves away, rebuffs and keeps out of her way)and others on the times we have had to see her socially.

We generally refuse any social invite that isn't a large group, so we can avoid her.

I'm going to message A and tell him that whilst I'd love to see him I don't want to make things awkward at dinner and so won't be coming.

OP posts:

InfiniteVariety · 23/07/2018 11:44

Was B married at the time of her emotional affair with your DH?

soapboxqueen · 23/07/2018 11:45

If OW is making out that she doesn't know why you aren't taking, she is manipulating your friends into believing that you are unreasonable, in the wrong and she is the victim.

As much as I said before I wouldn't go, I'd be very tempted to go and put all my cards on the table.

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:45

InfiniteVariety yes

OP posts:

CoraPirbright · 23/07/2018 11:47

Def tell A what has happened but it would be a shame to miss out on seeing him - could you meet him for an early drink?

Shortstuff08 · 23/07/2018 11:49

So you won't tell anyone and going will damage your mental health. Then you shouldn't go. Fake illness.

I've already ended friendships because of it, and happy to continue to do so if it safeguards my marriage and my mental health.

OP you sound so distressed. Please be careful of isolating yourself from your friends, for a man who betrayed you.

raisedbyguineapigs · 23/07/2018 11:49

I would go in that case. 7 people is enough not to have to talk to her. Especially if she's going with her husband and hasn't told him. She'll be feeling uncomfortable all night looking at you wondering if you are going to say something. Look fab and happy and so not the sad whiny wife they had you out to be. I think I would tell your friend though and tell her not to tell anyone else. She may be able to help keep you apart or spend time talking to you if there is a lull.

littleteapoms · 23/07/2018 11:50

I think you definitely need to tell A. They might take it personally which in turn could affect your relationship with them because they obviously don't know the real reason, which is completely understandable by the way.

A might just think it was a petty disagreement not a massive fucking betrayal by B, especially seeings as B is pleading ignorance.

Sorry you're in this situation op x

Original poster

Wellthisunexpected · 23/07/2018 11:50

As much as I said before I wouldn't go, I'd be very tempted to go and put all my cards on the table. I might, if the others going were also my friends, but they are merely acquaintances who do not to deserve to be dragged in to this mess.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8