Meal out with OW and mutual friend

[Wellthisunexpected]

WWYD?

A friend (A) who lives abroad is in the UK for a few days and is in my city for a night. He has organised a meal out to catch up with as many friends as possible on that day. I have been invited.

Also invited is my ex-best friend (B), who had an emotional affair (which would have turned physical had I not found out when I did) with my DH whilst I was in the grip of PND and PTSD. She is attending (with her husband) my DH will be remaining at home to look after DS (he does not know A as well as me). Due to the short notice and venue only about 7 people are going, including B, her husband and A.

I want to see A, and won’t have another opportunity, possibly for more than 12 months. But the thought of sitting at a table with B all night and being forced to make polite conversation fills me with dread. Due to having mutual friends I have seen a couple of times since (the incident came to ahead about 18months ago) but have been able to just avoid her and not speak to her at all (I just blank her), but in such an intimate setting I won’t be able to do that without making things very uncomfortable for A.

A is aware we are not talking but does not know why.

WWYD? Go and make nice for a chance to see A, or make excuses?

It's already a "thing"! Not going to the meal doesn't make it more or less so, and going won't make it go away! There are times I have to see her (weddings, christenings etc) and I do, but they are usually big enough groups for me to not have to interact with her. In a group of 7 I feel there will inevitably be some conversation in which we are all part of, in which case me not interacting with her will be obvious. However me not going, citing childcare/ timing/ money/ whatever will not raise suspicion - in this instance it'd be childcare I'd have to site (as it is the only reasonable excuse not to see him).

I think I'd feel better if A wasn't going to be arriving with B and I didn't have to arrive late, so no choice over where I sit.

She has no power over me, but doesn't mean I want to spend time with her.

I feel for you OP, but in all your posts it screams that you don't want any confrontation so it's best all round that you don't go. Mainly for your own mental wellbeing.

I think you may have to take the hit with your friendship with A but you don't seem worried about friendships you have lost so far. I don't mean that in a harsh way but if A is closer to B anyway it's not a great start to a friendship.

I would be telling A personally, but you have to do what you need to do for your own health.

LyndseyKola I don't think it's brass neck, I think she doesn't think she has done anything wrong. A mutual friend actually said to DH "that's just what she's like" in response to DH telling him what had happened. Her behaviour is continually excused, forgiven and accepted.

I wouldn't go, personally, even though it might compromise the relationship with A (but it sounds like he is closer to B than you anyway?).

The impact of affairs isn't limited to just the people involved, mutual friends end up being drawn into one side or another through situations like this. It's another thing that the affair participants are responsible for (not you) even though the impact can take months or more to play itself out.

Why can't your H explain privately to A why neither of you feel able to attend this time? If he's doing everything to make amends then owning the problem would show his support for you.

I'd 100% tell A why.

Sorry posted too soon. Tell A why and not go. You'll end up miserable, even if you are happy to see A.

Detach detach detach.

Haven’t RTFT but I gather you don’t trust the visiting friend not to share information with the OW which could hurt you? In which case he’s not really a friend friend.

In which case, toxic interaction. Let it go. Meditate, get a David Attenborough box set in, go for a jog, buy yourself a new dress. Enjoy a bun fight on Mumsnet.

If anyone asks, try not to get too involved in explaining why you couldn’t make it, but be all “boring grey rock” ie babysitting duties or boiler stuff.

It’s not about “winning” - it’s about putting yourself and your MH first.

fieryginger why? what would you expect it to achieve? He isn't going to stop being friends with her (nor would I expect him to). The only thing it would do is make him uncomfortable and place him in a difficult position. I see no reason to drag others in to this mess, I wouldn't appreciate it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Good 😊

I know how you feel, but it’s things like this that mean it never seems to go away.

In that case maybe you should go and get it over with.

Hope you get a happy solution

Haven't rtft but are you sure she's going OP? Think I'd check with A first to make sure.

Reading more, I’m not sure what’s in it for you if you go. Or continuing a friendship with A.

I don’t think I could stomach being around the same table as B and everyone to be enabling her by seeing nothing wrong. Your marriage nearly ended OP and will never, ever be the same. That’s a huge betrayal. That she sees no wrong is like another punch in the face.

I would tell A and say you can’t keep up the friendship, sorry.

PhilomenaFogg yes, lifts have been arranged, which is how I know she is driving.

From past experience (not affairs but things like workplace or social bullying) I’ve found that often others are fairly “disloyal” in that EVEN IF THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED they don’t go “Bob treated you like shit are you ok?”

but will happily drink/socialise with Bob to keep the peace and protect their own social interests.

It’s not personal - one can’t expect everyone to fight my battles and be over involved - but I would look at branching out into new social circles as time goes on.

So dh was struggling and confided in a friend.
You decided this was an ‘emotional affair’ and rather than talking to the friend just started ignoring them?

How much do you want to see A? It would be a real shame to let her impact on your friendship with A, if it's one you care about. Especially if this is the only chance you'll get to see A for another 12 months.

I still don't really understand why you can't tell A? By keeping quiet you suffer - you don't get to go to the dinner, you don't get to see A, you potentially hurt A's feelings.

I can't see the benefit in you not saying anything apart from that B's husband is protected. Have I got that right?

Aralyop I have. both DH and I now have a good social circle of new 'couple' friends and also our own friends, which is so much healthier for us. This is a very unusual situation as there are few remaining mutual friends.

I don't expect others to fight my battles, which is why I have told few people, not to protect anyone, or because I'm embarrassed but because it wouldn't achieve anything - they wouldn't stop being friends with her, wouldn't pull her up on her behaviour, it would just make things uncomfortable for all!

I would try to make a different plan with A if I possibly could

I would tell A no details, but that B had hurt you very very badly and you cannot be at an intimate gathering with her.

Greenyogagirl no. That is not what happened.

I am also reading this as the 'OW' getting the blame for the OP's marriage going through a tough time. It was the husband that booked a room. He did that, not her.

I just wouldn't go if it's this fraught already.

From past experience (not affairs but things like workplace or social bullying) I’ve found that often others are fairly “disloyal” in that EVEN IF THEY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED they don’t go “Bob treated you like shit are you ok?”

but will happily drink/socialise with Bob to keep the peace and protect their own social interests

^ This. People behave pretty badly on the whole, in my experience.

By stayong silent, you are letting her imply that you are at fault. However, if you think the friendship group is toxic anD they would continue to enable her anyway, there's nothing to be gained by telling them. It puts you in a shitty position, but if you think A would minimise and enable her, A isn't really a very good friend.

Maybe best off making a totally fresh start. As you say, you've begun new friendships, which will be better for you in the long run.

I'm also not sure of exactly what her crimes are here.

Tell the visiting friend the truth. Why should you cover for the OW? Ask the visiting friend if there’s any way you can meet him sometime else.

Blackbirdblue30 no, she is taking her share of the blame. DH and I both did things which contributed to the breakdown of our relationship and opened the door to allow the emotional affair to happen, they just aren't relevant to whether I see A or not, as DH won't be there (there was never any question of him going, he wasn't invited).

There's obviously a lot of ins and out of how it happened which I haven't disclosed here and how I found out and how I know it wasn't just a friend to confide in, they aren't relevant to the point here. This isn't a debate about whether this was or wasn't an emotional affair, that ship has sailed.

With regards to the hotel, DH booked it but she knew about it, she suggested the trip which required the hotel, she suggested they share a room (to save money), it just happened I found out by seeing the email confirmation of the hotel (which was not the twin room travel lodge they had both told me it was).

If you want to see A, I would just go. I can see why you don't want to have much to do with her and she certainly was not a friend to you but what evidence do you have that she was having an "emotional affair" with him. The fact that your DH booked a hotel room for them suggests he had ulterior motives for confiding in her but you don't have evidence that it would have been reciprocated do you?

Dungeondragon15 I do.